by C. P. Watson
"I... I..." I heard her voice breaking, "is she going to be okay?" She asked him making him sigh.
"Yes, this hasn't happened for a while now, has anything been completely off with her lately?"
"Umm... no... I don't think so."
"You likely wouldn't know anyway, she doesn't open up to anyone, including her mother." He let out a deep breath, "it's been years, everyone has moved on but she can't seem to, especially not after what took place." His voice broke and I looked up from my pillow to see his face saddening.
"I am not a virgin Ava," I said as I sat up, my head resting on the back of the chair.
"Honey, what are you talking about?"
"I think maybe it's time for you guys to know, especially since I had a meltdown. I am tired of keeping it a secret. I can live with you pitying me." I sighed as she walked towards me and took a seat next to me on the chair.
"What is it?" She asked, her eyes looking at me with concern.
I closed my eyes trying not to remember what happened. "Kylie, I already know what happened." He said making me shake my head.
"You don't, no one does except mom and a few police officers. It's not something to tell people." I said as Ava placed her hand in mine, which made me immediately pull away.
“What is it then?” He said coming to sit next to me as well.
“Can I please get some space?” They both got up and took a seat on the couch perpendicular to the one I was sitting on.
"I want to see him." I said making my grandfather want to say something but I continued, "I want to show him what I have become. I am not afraid of him anymore grandpa, I was a child then but now it's different. I want him to suffer just the way mom and I did, I want him to feel the same..." I paused for a moment, "pain I have felt. But I know what he has done to me can never be the same pain that I can ever give him." I closed my eyes as tears began to fall. "You think he only hit us, mistreated us and used mom as a punching bag?" I shook my head. "He has done much worse than that," I mumbled looking down at my thighs.
"What more did he do Kylie?" My grandfather asked. I was hesitant to tell them, after keeping the truth locked up for a very long time, I was tempted and deterred too. Everyone already looked down at me with pity, what I would tell them would make the pity party even worse.
“Kylie.” I heard Ava say, they were getting impatient, even I was impatient with my lack of words. I just wanted to say it, but then that would make everything that happened real again, but it was real, it was not something made up, but the court ruled it as that, just my imagination.
“He made me do things.” I swallowed, “things a little girl should not do. He was my father but he seemed to think of me as one of those whores he seemed to continue to cheat on mom with.” I looked up at them, surprise and realization in their eyes, "he raped me repeatedly." I took a deep breath as my voice became strained. "He used me like I was some sex toy, and I never said anything. I never said anything because I knew what he was capable of doing. I was only five but it seemed like I lost my childhood because of him, worse thing is that I barely remember any of it, yet it is so clear in my mind what he did." I felt the tears flowing down my cheeks. "When mom caught him fingering me while I was asleep, she immediately moved us out and filed charges against him, but he didn't let us go without a fight, which also lead him to threaten us with a gun. We didn't even know he owned one." I shook my head as fragments replayed in my head. "He was drunk off of his ass, I don't remember that night much, but I do remember the gun being in my hand," I sighed and fiddled with the fabric of my slacks, "I shot him in the arm, which did not make me look good in court, he somehow got off the charges without a dent in his name while I am left broken for the rest of my life."
"How is that even possible, what happened to the evidence?" I knew she was referring to a physical examination report, which was a mandatory procedure for sexual assault reports.
"It was ruled inadmissible because the doctor who did it tainted the evidence somehow. I really can't replay the details of what happened but all I know it that he got off."
"I can't believe Jaclyn refused to inform me about this. That motherfucker... I am going to kill him." Grandpa growled making me flinch.
"Kylie," Ava said walking back over to me. "I am here." Somehow letting out what I had kept locked away for so long released a lot of my emotions, and I did not feel like pushing her away at that moment. As I wrapped my arms around her neck, I found a new kind of comfort, something I never felt before.
CHAPTER SIX
Grandpa’s rage made him call my mother to give her a piece of his mind, resulting in her calling me after and saying that she was taking a leave of absence from work to come see me. The weekend was over and school was at its usual, I did my normal routine of tutoring but I avoided Ava as much as I could. It was hard being that she was my teacher and I saw her every day, but I didn’t help her out anymore, at least until I cleared my head.
I knew she liked me, and I liked her too, but I could never fulfil her needs and desires, which made me think that it was useless for her to be with me, and it was for the best as well, since she was, in fact, my teacher and there were a lot of consequences if anyone found out.
My grandfather must have suspected something about us but didn’t voice whatever he thought was going on, knowing that it was already a sensitive topic. But in all honesty, I was fine, it was nothing new that happened, the only conflicting thing was that I was developing feelings that I should not for a woman who should not have reciprocated them either.
In her classes, I actually listened, allowing new knowledge into my mind and a distraction from my life. Literature helped with occupying my time. When I was not in class, I would be reading through the textbooks, or sometimes rereading the novels. I did all of that within two days, which made me realize that nothing could have distracted me from my problems.
It was Tuesday and my head was hurting including my heart, my focus on Ava was getting too personal, since I was not only paying attention to what she was saying but also her actions and movements, like how she would lick her lips almost every five minutes, or how her hands would randomly sway in the air, which was so cute. I could not deny my feelings for her, nor could I be with her and that was what affected me the most. She knew about my past and the events that haunted me, yet she still seemed want me though she knew about everything that happened.
That day when I broke down, she did not bother to go to the fair, instead, she stayed at home with grandpa and was there for me. She kept her distance, but she was in my room lounging on my bean bag chair.
The thought made my heart flutter, her just wanting to be there for me, it was something that made my feelings for her even stronger.
But after she left that night, I did not talk to her the next day at school, or the day I was currently in. She must have realized that I wanted space and time, and maybe she needed to process the situation as well.
After class was over, I left without a second thought, not wanting to get into a conversation with her just yet, maybe I was afraid that she would have tried to kiss me again, but the thought alone made goosebumps form on my skin. I did not understand my emotions. I wanted her, yet I was too afraid to indulge myself. I let out a deep breath as I leaned against my locker, getting lost in my thoughts before remembering about the essay I was supposed to write. I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand before walking back towards Ava's class, knowing that once I had a free period, she did as well, so she was likely to be alone.
I rapped on the door and waited for her to open it, after she did she looked at me with surprise before gesturing to enter without a word. I walked over to her desk and just stood there awkwardly as I waited for her to close the door. When she did, I let out a heavy sigh as I gripped the strap of my satchel. “The essay, I totally forgot about it,” I said knowing that was not a good enough excuse. She nodded and walked to her desk before taking out a blank piece of paper from a folder.
&
nbsp; "You can write it now if you like." I nodded as she handed me the paper, which I already had many in a folder in my satchel, but I was grateful for the offer.
"Thanks," I said as I walked over to the desk in front of hers and sat down. I took a pen out of my satchel before dropping it to the floor and began to write a random topic off my mind.
"So how have you been?" She asked making me lift my head up to lock eyes with her. I felt an electricity run through my body from the intent stare we were giving each other.
"Um...uhh..." I cleared my throat before forcing my eyes to look back down at the paper. "I am fine."
"Okay, so you've just been ignoring me?" She whispered. I could feel her emotions with the words she said. ‘Was I hurting her, making her sad?’
"I am sorry, I just... I..."
"I know, it doesn't mean I can't miss you." I pressed my lips together as I continued to write.
"My mother is coming for a visit, I wonder how that is going to pan out." I said knowing that my grandfather and she were not on the best of terms at the moment because she never told him about what happened.
"I met your mother once I think, when I was a baby? At least that was what my mother told me."
"My mom moved away from here three years before I was born, so it is likely she met you when you were a baby," I said making her chuckle.
"I feel so old and I am only twenty-three."
"Do you need a physical relationship?" I blurted out not even realizing that those words slipped out of my mouth until after it did.
She got up from her desk, walked over to the desk beside me and sat down. "You mean a sexual relationship?" I nodded feeling my tension building up. She shook her head and placed her hand on mine. "Does this make you feel uncomfortable?" I took a deep breath as I looked down at her hand on top of mine.
"Kinda, I have a problem with affection," I informed as she removed her hand and placed it on her lap.
"I really like you, Kylie, I am interested in you sexually but that is not all that I want from you." She said, sincerity laced with her words. "As I said, I don't mind being just your friend, maybe it's best that way since I am still your teacher but I would hope to be something more someday, even if it's just a relationship where we hold hands, I will be content with that." I felt my eyes starting to tear up, she truly was an amazing person if she was willing to do all of that just for my companionship.
I leaned in closer to her, not caring that we were in her classroom and it was a risk, but as I pressed my lips against hers, a tear escaped my eye. She was soft and applied no pressure, and as my discomfort began to seep in, I backed away but very much enjoyed it. "Thank you," I said as I wiped away the stray tear. "But please don't get your hopes up, I may disappoint you."
She shook her head and began to run her fingers through my hair, a gesture that I happily accepted. "You're doing great so far, I didn't expect for you to kiss me until a month more or so, but you did." She smiled.
"You deserve it," I said as she stopped running her fingers through my hair, maybe not wanting to overstep my boundaries for too long. "I liked it, maybe we can try it some other time."
"I would love that." She brushed her hand against my shoulder as she got up and walked back over to her desk. She sat down not breaking eye contact with me which made my insides swarm with a new feeling. I could not describe what it was but it was definitely something I had never felt before.
After I finished writing the essay, and I read it over to check for possible errors, I gave the paper to her which she accepted with a smile. The bell signalling for lunch rang, and I decided to stay with her since the day before I had stood against my locker for the entire hour, resulting in my feet becoming sore.
"You didn't bring an egg salad sandwich, did you?" She arched her brow as she took the paper bag out of her bag.
"Were you stalking my mother this morning when she was making me lunch?" She questioned slipping the sandwich out of the paper bag.
"I just assumed, lucky guess." I grinned. "Can I have half?" I pouted with over exaggerated puppy dog eyes. She chuckled before giving me half of it.
"You are getting out of your comfort zone already." She said as I took a bite of the sandwich.
"Maybe I am just hungry."
She shook her head, "I am glad you're not as closed off as you were before."
"Well, it's hard to be so closed off when this teacher keeps on giving me weird looks in class." Her eyes widened.
"I... ugh... didn't mean to." She stuttered making a laugh escape my lips.
"I stare at you too. By the way, you lick your lips too often."
She arched her brow, "looking at me very intently, I hope you are paying attention to what I am saying and not only what I am doing."
“Yeah, yeah, I can multitask.”
◆◆◆
“SO YOU KNOW THAT thirteen squared is...”
"259?" I shook my head as I pointed to number 13 on the paper.
"169," I said correcting her mistake, "and four squared is..."
"16." I nodded.
"So 169 is equal to 16 plus BC squared, so how do you find BC?"
"Um..." the girl thought for a moment. "So, 169 minus 16 is equal to BC squared and BC is equal to the square root of 153, which is..." she calculated the root on her calculator, "12.4." She said making me let out a sigh of relief. She was the slowest of the other two but was getting somewhere.
"Good, at least you understand what you have to do, so do this exercise for homework," I wrote down the page number in her exercise book, "some of the last questions will take more effort but all of it is what you have learned on Pythagoras Theorem," she nodded as she began to put away her books.
"Okay, I'll try to complete it but I have cheerleading practice for most of my free time so I might not finish all."
"You better because we are going onto another topic in the next class, which is simple trigonometry for triangles that are not right-angled, unlike what we have been doing." She bit down on her bottom lip before getting up from her seat.
"I'll try, don't worry. Anyway, gotta go, I have a class at 2:00." I checked the time to see it was only one thirty but before I could say anything she was already out of the library.
I exhaled deeply as I picked up my satchel and got up. I made my way out of the library and the school to begin my walk home.
My mother would be arriving later that night, I was not too sure what time, since I did not really pay attention to what she told me over the phone. Grandpa was not going to pick her up, his argument is that if it was not necessary for him to know what happened it was not necessary for him to pick her up either. A lot of animosity was building up there and mom was going to ask me a million questions when she arrived, one likely being, if I wanted her to schedule an appointment with a nearby psychiatrist, which she should have known, would not have worked out, since I was not open about my feelings, especially with a stranger.
I took a deep breath as I neared that Diner, a smoothie on my mind, making me enter without even thinking about it. I walked over to the counter and the same woman who criticised my attire the last time looked up at me. "It's nice to see you wearing appropriate clothing." She said scanning me, I held back a comeback and tapped my fingers against the counter top.
"Can I have a strawberry smoothie please," I said making her arch her brow.
"Sure." She mumbled before I turned my body away from her. The Diner was empty including the streets. I thought of taking a run but I felt too exhausted to do so, I had not been too energetic lately. "Here you go honey." The woman said making me turn back towards her.
"Thanks." I smiled as I fished for my wallet out of my satchel and took out a ten dollar bill. I handed it to her and picked up the smoothie. "Keep the change," I said as I walked out of the diner and onto the streets.
I exhaled deeply as the wind gently caressed my skin, clearing my thoughts, as I walked the rest of the journey home.
When I got home and had
already stripped from my clothing, I checked my phone to see that I received a message from Ava, reading it brought a smile to my face, as I took a seat on my bed and just stared at it.
I made a hasty decision, one which I might have regretted later, I called her, in need to hear her voice.
"Hi, Kylie didn't expect for you to call." She said sighing.
"Sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice," I said biting down on my upper lip.
"Hmm, someone's getting clingy already, but babe I have a class at the moment." I was lost in the thought of her calling me ‘babe’ before she spoke again, "Kylie?"
"Um...mm sorry, you have a class?" I questioned knowing that she only taught Juniors and Seniors, all of the classes I was in.
“Yeah, book club. You should join, it would be nice to have you around.”
"Hmm... my schedule is a bit overloaded at the moment, pesky teenagers and their math problems." She chuckled making a smile form on my lips. She had an adorable laugh.
"The time management varies, we usually decide the next time we meet up at the end of every class, but babe, I really need to get back. We'll talk later okay?" She said before placing a kiss on the phone. "I am sorry, I just couldn't help myself." She said making me press my lips together.
"It's okay, I... ugh... liked it. Now get back to your class and don't text me, cause you're gonna tempt me to call you again."
"Sure thing cutie. But can I call you later?" She said with a lingering voice.
I hesitated for a moment, "text me first and I'll tell you if I am in the mood."
"Okay, bye." She said before hanging up. I removed the phone from against my ear as I laid down and scrolled through my other messages.
Seeing one from Owen made my heart stop for a moment, ‘what could he possibly want?’
It read, "I talked to dad on the phone and he seems a little less opposed to hearing your name." I rolled my eyes.
"Would you please stop? Your constant obsessing about that ass is increasing my blood pressure!" I texted back before I threw my phone down on the bed and got up.