As Jamie sat there, the blood draining from her face, she could think of only one thing—what this would do to her daughter. The horror that Ashley's life would become.
And what about Kyle? Once her past was public knowledge, it wouldn't be long before people put two and two together and came up with five. They'd assume Kyle had been one of her clients.
Her mind in a fog, Jamie tried to think. To act, rather than react. But she couldn't move. Terror had robbed her of strength. She couldn't even raise a finger to erase the damning message.
She could refuse Nelson. Kyle would stand by her. And, of course, Ashley wouldn't know any better than to be on Jamie's side. But both of them would take unlimited abuse if they did. Kyle's position at the university could be threatened. Other kids would be mean to Ashley, their mothers not letting them play with her.
She could do as Nelson asked. He'd be discreet. He always had been. She had her invisible room to hide in, her way of coping. It would see her through.
Spurred on by nausea, Jamie found the strength to race for the bathroom. She barely made it in time. And being sick didn't bring any relief.
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Because there was no relief. There was no way to fix this. No right answer. She'd already made her choices. There was no taking them back. No making them better. She couldn't rewrite history.
Finally accepting the truth, Jamie knew what she had to do. Ashley and Kyle stood to be hurt—unless she left town now. Alone. Then, when the truth about her came out, instead of the town's scorn they'd have everyone's sympathy. She had to leave them, taking her sins with her.
Ashley would miss her, of course. Head against the bathroom wall, she sat there and planned the end of any life that mattered to her. The little girl would be devastated for a time, but it was far more con-scionable to allow that than to ruin the girl's entire life. Jamie could hardly remember being four herself—except the part where John came to live with them—and knew that Ashley's memories of Jamie would eventually fade. It probably wouldn't even take all that long with Kyle around. He'd love their little girl enough for both of them. Of that, she had no doubt.
And Kyle. While he'd be upset at first, he'd probably also be relieved. Maybe even surprise himself with the extent of his relief. She knew he loved her, but he couldn't let himself completely accept her. Doing that would mean he'd have to accept his mother, too. Which was something he'd never be able to do.
Jamie didn't blame him. His mother had done some disgusting, unforgivable things.
Surprisingly calm, numb, Jamie rose, found a duf-
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fel and started throwing things in. Her college diploma. She'd need it to work wherever she ended up. Some clothes. A picture of Ashley.
She couldn't decide which one to take. As she leafed through them, her pain broke through the ice surrounding her and the tears poured forth. Leaving Ashley was going to kill her.
Sobs racked her body as she carefully tucked away every single picture of Ashley she had. All the ones she had of Kyle, too. Their spring vacation at the resort, the first time he'd driven Ashley to school, the day he'd shown her his office and classrooms. Without looking at any more, Jamie added the rest of the pictures to her bag. Someday, when she'd found a way to live with herself, she'd look at them again. Maybe there'd come a time when she'd be able to see them without feeling as though she'd been ripped in two.
The camera she left for her daughter, setting it on Ashley's dresser, ready for the little girl to begin building new memories. Memories that wouldn't hurt her.
She couldn't look at the rest of the room. Knew she'd never find the strength to leave if she allowed herself to touch Ashley's things, to smell the fresh little-girl smells. Without a backward glance, she left the room for the last time.
Ashley was alone at school that day—Kayla being home sick with a sore throat—and due to be picked up from school in an hour. She had to be gone by then.
In the kitchen she saw the buns and chips on the
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counter, purchased for the picnic they were to have had on Mother's Day. It was fitting, really, that she wouldn't be celebrating it with Ashley and Kyle. She'd made Mother's Day a symbol for something—someone—that didn't exist. She'd been trying to convince herself that being the best mother she could possibly be had wiped out the sins of her past. That simply by virtue of the fact that she was Ashley's mother, some of Ashley's goodness, her purity, became Jamie's own. But it didn't matter how much she tried or how much she pretended; the woman who'd sold her body to the highest bidder time and time again had been right there with them all along. That woman, the person she'd been, had dibs on Jamie's life.
But she didn't have to ruin Ashley's life. Or Kyle's. And she told him so, very briefly, in the note she left. She also told them both how very much she loved them.
The last thing Jamie did before she walked out of her house for good was pick up the phone to make three calls. One to Ashley's school to let them know her father would be collecting her. And no, she didn't need to speak to the child herself.
She'd never have lived through that conversation.
The second call was to Kyle, asking him to please pick up Ashley, since she had an important errand to do before their weekend together. He was as agreeable as she'd known he would be. She hung up without telling him goodbye. She couldn't do that, either.
The third call she'd planned to make was to
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Karen. But in the end, she couldn't do it. As much as she needed her friend's loving reassurances, she couldn't risk the chance that Karen might talk her out of going. Because she knew that was what Karen would try to do. Knew, too, that Karen would probably succeed.
Then, slinging her purse over her shoulder and grabbing the bag, her vision blurred by the tears streaming down her face, she let herself out. Locked the door behind her. And didn't look back.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Kyle wasn't surprised to find the house locked when he arrived home with Ashley shortly after noon on Friday. Jamie was gone—running her mysterious errand. Ashley couldn't wait to find out what her mother was up to, sure that she had a special treat for Mommy's Day. Kyle had to admit he was a bit curious himself.
Ashley ran off to her room as he opened the front door with the key Jamie had given him weeks before. Kyle wandered into the kitchen to get them both a cool drink and some cookies to last them until Jamie arrived home to have lunch with them.
Seeing the note on the counter, Kyle picked it up and was frowning over the first line when Ashley came darting into the kitchen carrying an expensive-looking camera.
"Mommy's camera's in my room!" The little girl was excited. "Can I take pictures?"
Kyle was getting a really sick feeling in his stomach. "Not now, sweetie," he said, reaching for the camera before the child dropped it.
"Maybe when Mommy's home?" his daughter asked, her little brow furrowed. Her long auburn
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hair, so like her mother's, was falling out of its po-nytail.
"Maybe then," Kyle agreed. The note in his hand was burning his fingers.
"Okay." Ashley tore out of the room, apparently in search of more excitement than her father was capable of giving her at the moment.
With his back to the doorway, Kyle returned his attention to the note in his hand. He read it again, sure he'd missed something.
It said exactly the same thing the second time.
Kyle, I love you and Ashley too much to stay around any longer. Nelson Monroe is hack. Wants me back.
Kyle glanced up from the paper, feeling dizzy and sick. Wasn't this exactly what he'd been afraid of? That his adult life would take on the same tones as his childhood if he lived with a woman like Jamie?
His gaze darting around her kitchen, settling nowhere, Kyle could feel Jamie there. In the cleanliness, the organization. In the wildflowers on the windowsill. The
refrigerator covered with family goals, positive mottoes, reminders of promises and obligations. Ashley's drawings.
Suddenly filled with a burning rage, Kyle knew he was capable of hunting Nelson Monroe down and killing the man to keep him from bothering Jamie. Kyle didn't know why she'd made the choices she had before, but he was certain that desperation had driven her. She wasn't desperate anymore. She'd fought her way out of that life because she was a good person and she'd known the life she'd been living wasn't good.
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And that was the difference between Jamie and the woman who'd borne him. His mother had never seen how wrong her life had become, how degrading, how damaging to her young son.
In order to protect their daughter from what Jamie had once been, she'd gone so far as to create an entirely new life for herself. In a new town, among strangers.
He could only imagine how horrifying it must have been to have had that safe harbor invaded by a man from her past.
Kyle needed to hit something. Hard.
Without even reading the rest of her note, Kyle could have told himself what it said. Because he knew Jamie. She hadn't gone to Monroe. But Monroe had driven her away.
He's threatening to tell Dean Patterson about me if I don't do what he wants, Kyle read. Please take care of Ashley for me, Kyle. She'll need extra care for the next little while. Love her.
Kyle had to look up from the note then, tears blurring his eyes, scrambling the words on the page. Blinking the tears away, he continued reading.
/ love you so much, Kyle. And I love Ashley, with all my heart. But if it's easier for her not to know that, please don't tell her. Do whatever you must to make her happy…
The note was signed simply J.
He already had the phone in his hand by the time he got to that part. The note was wadded up in the pocket of his jeans when Karen answered.
"I need you and Dennis to keep Ashley for the night," he told her without preamble. He pushed the
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sleeves of his white oxford shirt up his arms. He was way too hot.
"Of course," she replied instantly. "What's wrong?"
"Jamie's gone."
"What? Where?"
"Some guy from her past's been bothering her. She decided we were better off without her."
"Oh, God." Karen started to cry. "She's the most honorable, decent woman I know. And she's paying for things she mostly didn't even do. It's just not right."
"I know." Kyle's jaw was clenched, his fingers damp with sweat as he removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Where is she?"
"I have no idea, but I'm going to find her."
"How long has she been gone?" Karen was still crying.
"Not long. She called me just over an hour ago."
"She probably had to stop for gas. She was low yesterday…"
Kyle's mind wandered for a second, reacting to something Karen had said a few minutes earlier.
"You said she's paying for things she mostly didn't do," he interrupted her. "You know details about her past."
"Some."
"I'm going after her, Karen, and when I find her, I'm asking her to marry me." He paused, but when she said nothing, he continued. "I'm not going to take no for an answer."
"Good for you," Karen sniffed. Crying again.
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"It would help if I knew what I was up against."
Ten minutes later, Kyle wished he could take back the question. That he could roll back not just the last ten minutes but twenty years. He thought he'd had it rough. Freezing, he pulled down the sleeves of his shirt, buttoning them at the cuff.
He had to find her. To love her. To spend the rest of his life storing up so much happiness for her that somehow it would balance out the hurts.
When he thought of a grown man raising a fist to a child like Ashley he got physically sick. Somehow, someway, he was going to be worthy of the woman who'd mothered his child. Worthy enough to fill the next sixty years of her life with smiles.
Kyle had been on the road about twenty minutes, heading toward a gas station on the edge of town, when he got the idea. He'd been hoping someone at the station might have seen Jamie, would at least be able to give him a direction to take on his trip out of town. But suddenly he felt sure he knew where she'd gone.
To the ski lodge where the three of them had spent spring break. She'd feel close to them there. He and Ashley were the most important part of her life, and he knew Jamie well enough to realize that the only way she'd survive this first night was to go somewhere she could feel their presence.
In spite of the speeding ticket he got on the way, Kyle made record time to the resort. And was rewarded when he stopped at a pay phone and asked to be connected to Ms. Archer's room. He hung up
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before Jamie could answer. He'd found out what he needed to know. She was there.
Now he just had to find out which room. Kyle started at the building farthest from the lobby and began knocking on doors. He was gambling that he'd locate her before someone reported him.
She was in the second building he tried, on the first floor, right by the pool. He recognized her voice as soon as she called, "Who is it?"
He also knew she'd been crying.
"Room service," he said, lowering his voice, afraid she might not come out if she knew he was standing there.
"I didn't order any."
And that was all the patience he had. "Jamie, it's Kyle. Please open the door."
The door flew open so fast Kyle almost fell through it. ' 'Did something happen to Ashley?'' she asked, fear making her eyes wild. She was wearing a pair of brown corduroy overalls cinched at the waist, with an off-white turtleneck underneath. And she was barefoot.
"She's fine," he said firmly, putting an arm around her to lead her back to the room. She was on the verge of collapse.
"You're sure?" Her gaze was still uncertain as she stared up at him.
"Positive."
Because he had no clue where to begin, Kyle pulled her into his arms and just held her. He'd stand there, holding her, for as long as she needed him.
When her legs gave out, he picked her up and carried her to the couch at one end of the minisuite.
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Sitting with her, he stroked her back, her hair, occasionally laying gentle kisses along her brow.
What scared him most wasn't her silence but the fact that she wasn't crying. As if he was too late to save the tender person inside.
He knew his worries weren't unfounded when she started to touch him back. Not gently. But sexually. Like a woman who knew exactly how to get the response she was seeking. He cried out silently for the loving spirit that was Jamie, the spirit that had been so strong but maybe not strong enough.
Eventually her caresses moved upward, as did her lips, and she sought his mouth in a searing kiss that made Kyle's blood boil. His body sprang instantly, painfully, to life.
And he pushed her away.
"It's okay, Kyle," she said in a voice he didn't even recognize. "I'm not going to stop you this time."
He didn't know what to say, how to explain.
"My choices were made a long time ago," she told him matter-of-factly. "I'm not allowed to change them. So I might as well know the joy of having sex with the only man I've ever loved, don't you think?"
He might have thought so if there'd been any emotion in her voice at all.
"No…"
"Oh, I get it." She sat up, moving away from him. "You don't want to be dirtied." She didn't even sound as though the words hurt her. ' 'I understand."
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The thing that tore at him most was that she really believed she did.
"You're wrong, Jamie," he said, taking hold of her hand, caressing her fingers. "About so many things."
"I know, Kyle." She nodded. "I always have been. I think I was born that way, you
know—with something wrong inside me." She could have been discussing the weather. She was completely and totally resigned. As though today's honorable act had drained all the life out of her, had sent the real Jamie, the true Jamie, far away.
Kyle hoped to God he wasn't too late to bring her back.
"Will you let me speak, please? Without putting words in my mouth?" He couldn't have any coherent thoughts, let alone express them, if she kept interrupting him. And he'd never needed coherent thoughts more than at this moment.
Obviously surprised at his frustrated tone, she nodded without another word.
"In the first place, the only thing I meant you were wrong about was how I feel about you—about making love with you. And mark my words—" he brought her hand up to his lips "—when we sleep together again, which we'll do very soon I hope, we won't be having sex. We'll be making love."
He thought he saw a spark of light in her eyes, but it was gone so fast he couldn't be sure.
"That's why I stopped you, honey. I couldn't let you compromise your principles. You aren't ready to make love yet. But when you are, we will."
She was staring at him, not even blinking. He
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took that as a good sign. "I love you, Jamie. More than life itself. Without you, my life means nothing."
"I lost my virginity when I was nineteen, to a man old enough to be my grandfather," she said baldly, apparently expecting to shock him.
"After a full year of being friends with him first, and believing that he loved you and was going to marry you."
"How do you…" She was frowning at him.
"Karen." They both said it at the same time, though Jamie's rendition of her friend's name wasn't very complimentary.
"She told you everything." Her eyes were dead. He couldn't even determine if she was still looking at him or just through him.
"Enough," Kyle said, so filled with love for her he wished he could wrap her up in it. "The rest of the details are yours to give if and when you want to."
She pulled her hand away. "That's why you're here."
"I'm here to ask you to marry me." He had no idea if the time was right, knew only that he had to be honest. "That's why Karen gave me the information she did."
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