151 Days

by John Goode

  As I looked up and saw the three arches, I said, “There is no way I will ever get used to this.”

  “And this is where I hand you off,” Danny said as three men walked out of the building toward us. One was Coach Perkins, but he was following the other two men a couple of steps behind. It was kind of obvious they were important.

  “I hope Mr. Devin here was a good guide?” the man in the middle asked.

  “He was great,” I said truthfully. “If I wasn’t obsessed over this place before, I sure am now.”

  “Thank you, Danny,” the man said. “You can go.”

  The basketball player nudged me and gave me a quick wink. “Good luck, man.”

  I shook his hand. “Thanks for the tour, man.”

  “I’ll be seeing you later.” He waved to the three men as he walked off.

  The middle man walked up to me. “So you are this Bradley Greymark I’ve been hearing about. I’m Rodney Peterson, head of athletics here.” I shook his hand mutely. “This is Bud Freeling from our alumni association, and you know Coach Perkins.” I nodded and shook each man’s hand. “We have a lot to discuss. Why don’t you and your father follow us?”

  “Nice place you got here,” my dad said as we walked into the huge stadium.

  The alumni guy smiled and answered, “We try to live up to the motto ‘Everything is bigger in Texas.’”

  My dad began to joke with them casually, as if my entire future didn’t depend on it. “Well, that tour guide of yours must be fourth-generation Texan to be that big.” The other men laughed, and I realized this was what my father did for a living. He was a salesman, and right now he was selling me.

  Not going to lie, I was a little unsure how to feel about that.

  “If I remember, Danny is a military brat, but he did go to high school in Texas, so I think we can claim him,” Mr. Peterson said as we walked into a conference room. There were drinks on a table to the side and an ice cream bar from Blue Bell. I wasn’t sure if I was in a baseball stadium or Willy Wonka’s. “Have a seat. Either of you need anything?”

  I shook my head, but my dad took a bottle of water. Once everyone was sitting down and situated, Mr. Peterson got real serious. “From what I have been told, we have had our eyes on you for a while.” He looked over at Coach Perkins, who nodded. “Since your sophomore year, I believe.”

  “Coach Gunn told us about you pretty early on,” Perkins added. “We were going to come to you with an offer before the season, in fact.”

  My dad asked casually, “Then why didn’t you?”

  Mr. Peterson cleared his throat. “I think we all know why that didn’t happen.”

  Perkins and the alumni guy looked away, and my father’s face got red as he clenched his jaw. It was a classic sign that he was about to lose it. I, on the other hand, was completely clueless. “I don’t get it,” I asked in the uncomfortable silence. “What did I do?”

  All three men looked at me, none of them wanting to say whatever it was out loud.

  Then I got it. “Oh, I came out,” I said, more to myself than to them.

  “Yes, that,” Mr. Peterson said. “That changed a lot of things.”

  “Why?” my dad asked, his voice gruff with anger. “Does who my son decides to sleep with change the way he plays ball? And by the way, if it does, then you should pray your team is gay as well.”

  “Dad,” I said trying to calm him down.

  “Shut up, Brad,” he snapped at me. “Are you saying that my son isn’t getting a scholarship because he is gay?”

  Mr. Peterson seemed unaffected by my dad’s anger. “No, I am saying that if we were to offer your son a chance to go here, there would need to be conditions.”

  “Like?” my dad asked before I could.

  “For one, he cannot be vocal about his sexuality to anyone. Not the press, not publicly, period. For the next four years, as long as he is on the team, he does not comment on his preference at all.” My dad looked like he was going to say something, but Peterson kept talking. “Two, we are giving him a scholarship, not his boyfriend or his future boyfriends. If he is going to date, he can do it off campus and away from where people can see. If he wants to pursue a relationship during the summer, away from here, I don’t care. But while he’s here, that is a nonstarter. And three, if for any reason he does violate these conditions and is released from his scholarship, he is going to sign a nondisclosure agreement not to discuss why he was let go. I am not going to put the school into jeopardy by having its name dragged into the press over this.”

  The alumni guy broke in. “Look, it’s nothing personal. It’s just a lot of our budget comes from donations from alumni, and they are not ready in any way, shape, or form to embrace a gay athlete being an Aggie. No one at this table cares what you do on your own time. We just can’t risk making certain people upset.”

  “So this is about money,” my dad said after a few seconds.

  “It’s about reputation,” Peterson corrected him.

  “Right, it’s about money.” My dad looked at me and then back to the men. “Can I talk to my son for a moment? Alone.”

  The three of them got up. “Of course, take all the time you need. We’ll be across the hall in my office.” They all gave me a half smile as they passed. Coach Perkins paused and said, “This isn’t as bad as you think, Brad. You aren’t the only gay baseball player out there, trust me. They all played under this rule.”

  I nodded, and he walked out.

  Once the door was closed, my dad looked me straight in the eye. “At the end of the day, this is going to be your decision. I can’t make it for you, Danny can’t make it for you, no one can. You have to make the choice and be able to live with it.” I nodded, feeling overwhelmed by it all. “But if you want my advice, take the deal.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he talked over me. “Look, you’re broken up with Kyle, and you were never vocal about this before. All you have to do is keep your head down, play ball, and you have the best education money can buy on their dime. You feel lonely, then maybe you find someone on the side who can keep it quiet or we invest in more porn for you. But I am telling you, Brad, you are not going to get another deal like this. I was wondering why there weren’t more people knocking at your door, and this makes sense. No one is ready to sign a gay ballplayer yet. It just won’t happen.”

  His words were like someone was punching me. Not hard, not enough to knock me out, but enough for each one to hurt. One by one they were nothing. All together they were devastating. “You want me to just lie?” I asked him, trying not to show how hurt I was.

  “Why not? You spent eighteen years doing it,” he countered. “It was just the last six months that you felt the need to express yourself, and look how that turned out. If you had lasted eighteen years and six months, you’d be beating schools off with a stick.”

  “But—” I began to explain.

  “Look, Brad, I said it was your choice, and it is. But if it’s not this, then what? You going to work at that sporting goods shop while you go to junior college? How gay do you think you’re going to be able to be in Foster working a part-time job? You want out of that town, and I don’t blame you. This is the only way you got right now.”

  I honestly just wanted him to stop talking.

  “Okay, fine,” I said bitterly. “I’ll take the deal.” I felt a part of my soul begin to shrivel up and die because I knew, the second Kyle heard word of what I did, he would never, ever talk to me again. And I can’t say I’d blame him. “I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

  I saw my dad’s face blanch at the tone of my voice, and he leaned over and put a hand on my arm. “Brad, life is making hard choices and doing things you don’t want to get to things you do want. It’s part of being a man.”

  I looked at him squarely in the eyes and asked, “You mean like coming back and raising a kid with a woman you left behind?” I was rewarded by his face going even paler. “I said I’d take the deal. We don’t need to
talk about anything else.”

  He slowly took his hand away. “You can be mad all you want,” he said, standing up slowly. “But this isn’t my fault. You can hate me for a lot of things, but the advice I just gave you? That’s not one of them.”

  Before I could respond, he walked out to get the men back in there.

  I missed Kyle.

  SO THE deal was, they were going to write up a contract for me to sign the next day. In the meantime, they said, some of the guys on campus were having a party, and I was welcome to join them to experience what college life was like after class. I didn’t feel like going anywhere, much less a party, but my dad reminded me that this was still an interview, and if I refused, it gave the impression I was rocking the boat.

  God forbid the boat is ever rocked.

  So around nine there was a knock on the hotel door. I wasn’t that shocked to find basketball Danny standing there. “You ready for some trouble?” he asked with a devilish smile.

  I was wearing a button-up shirt and khakis, not sure what proper dress code was. “This too much or not enough?” I asked him.

  “As long as you don’t mind having beer spilled on them, it doesn’t matter.” He began to laugh at his own joke when he saw my dad lying on the bed behind me. “Oh, hi, Mr. Greymark, didn’t see you there.” He scratched his head as he tried to find a way to cover himself. “I didn’t mean actual beer. I was talking about….”

  My dad waved him off. “I’m not completely ignorant to what goes on at a college party. Go and have fun,” he told me. What he meant was, go and don’t draw attention to myself as a problem child. I grabbed my letterman jacket and followed Danny.

  “Your dad is a lot like mine,” he said as we got into his jeep.

  “Your dad is a raging asshole who’s distant and unavailable?” I said, buckling myself in.

  I saw him give me a sideways glance as he started the car. “Okay then. I guess they aren’t that alike.”

  He took us by the campus, and the school looked completely different to me now. Instead of this great institution where Texas history had been made, it looked like a huge beast just waiting to devour me. All the joy of the place had been drained out of me. Now it was just another jail that I was willingly committing myself to.

  “So how did the meeting go?” he asked me, turning down the music. “They all slobbering on you to get you to sign?” It would have been easier to dislike this guy if he wasn’t so freaking cute. I don’t mean to say I was attracted to him; I’m just saying he was ridiculously cute for a guy who was taller than most field goals.

  “No, nothing like that,” I assured him, not wanting to get into it.

  “Ah, well. I don’t know how the baseball department works,” he said, making a turn. “I had UT, USC, and Arizona after me, but I wanted to play here.”

  “Must be nice,” I grumbled, trying not to sound like a complete bitch.

  “There are going to be some baseball players at this party. You can ask them how they were courted. It’s different for everyone.” We pulled in to what looked like an apartment complex. “Welcome to Northgate,” he said as we parked. “One of the best places to live off campus.”

  There were cars parked everywhere, and I could see people milling around, some heading out to party, some heading in to do the same. It was exciting, despite my mood. I’d never been to a college party, but this reminded me a lot of when I was asked to a varsity party when I was a freshman. I followed Danny, who waved to a few people as we passed by. “I was going to pass you off as a new student, but the letterman jacket is a giveaway,” he said as we went inside. “If anyone gives you shit let me know, but shouldn’t be a problem. Most of these guys are my bros.”

  We walked up a couple of flights of stairs. When we got to the third floor, Danny opened the door, and the sound of the party came crashing out. As we walked down the hall, I saw nearly every door was open, and there were people everywhere. It was insane. I was thinking of, like, a party at a house or something, but this was the entire floor. “A few of us on the team got the same floor, and we lucked out since just about everyone else were either jocks or cool with partying,” he said over the music. “The RA is a huge basketball booster,” he added, smiling. “Well, more correctly he is a wannabe, so he lets us get away with hell.” We got to the common area, where there was a keg set up while a crowd of guys sat around a big-screen TV playing COD against each other. With each death, the guys either cheered or groaned. I instantly cheered up.

  It was exactly what I pictured a college dorm to be like.

  “You want a beer?” Danny asked, pausing to hear my answer.

  I had been one of the popular kids too long not to know when I was being tested. “Yeah, whatever there is.”

  His smile got wider, and he walked away to grab us some drinks.

  I walked around, taking the whole scene in at once. There was an energy that reminded me of the parties we used to throw after games. There was no organization or pattern; it was just a bunch of guys getting together with an excuse to get drunk and have fun. This was what Kelly’s parties were like before….

  I sighed as I realized Kelly would have loved this place.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Danny said quickly as he walked toward me with two red cups of beer. “You almost looked like you were going to smile there for a second. Quick, take a drink!”

  I took the beer and downed almost half of it as I tried to drink myself out of my misery. Danny finished his in one gulp and looked at me and my half-full cup. He moved his head as to hurry me along, and I laughed. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

  He leaned closer and whispered, “I’m trying to get that gigantic stick out of your ass and get you to have some fun, dude. Drunk just happens to be the quickest way to do that.”

  He looked like he was joking, but I knew he wasn’t.

  I finished my beer in one shot and held my cup out again. “Hit me,” I said, swallowing hard.

  “There it is!” he cheered. “Come on, let me introduce you to some people.”

  I followed, trying my best to be happy.

  SEVEN BEERS later, I was feeling no pain.

  Danny had introduced me to a few of his teammates, all of them older than both of us. They were nice enough, but since I wasn’t being recruited for basketball, they weren’t too keen on getting to know me. That was okay, because being surrounded by a group of guys who consider six foot four short was a bit intimating. I did meet a couple of guys on the baseball team, and they seemed very cool, but I could tell talking up a potential recruit at a party was not their thing.

  A couple of hours in, Danny brought us back two more red cups of beer and two girls. I began to break out in a cold sweat as he introduced girl one and girl two to me. It seemed girl two was meant for me, because she moved next to me and gave me a drunk smile. I didn’t know her, so I could be wrong about that, but I do know at the very least she gave me a pleasantly buzzed smile. “I like your jacket,” she said, putting a hand on my chest and letting it trail downward.

  I took a step back and spilled beer all over my slacks.

  “And we have a winner!” Danny roared as I jumped up quickly. The people around us laughed as I tried to wipe the beer off my lap. “What did I say? You’re dressed fine,” he said, raising his beer in a salute.

  Girl number two moved over to me and whispered in my ear. “You want to get those pants off?”

  “No!” I screamed in reflex. She froze as everyone within earshot looked over at us. I had forgotten what being consumed by peer pressure felt like. “I mean, it’s good,” I added quickly. “I just need another beer now.”

  “We can get you guys some,” girl number one offered, taking Danny’s now empty cup.

  Girl number two stared at me for a few seconds before taking my cup. She was way too drunk to know what was going on, but she wasn’t so stupid as not to sense something. “I’ll be right back. Don’t take those off without me,” she said with a slur.
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br />   “I won’t,” I said, chuckling at the nonjoke.

  As soon as they were out of range, Danny moved closer to me. “Look, dude, just play along right now. It’s easier if someone sees us talking to some drunk chicks before we jet.”

  “Say what?” I asked, confused.

  Danny couldn’t answer as one of his teammates walked over with a girl on his arm. “Hey, we’re heading to IHOP. You guys wanna bring your dates?” he said, gesturing to girls one and two, who were standing in the line at the keg.

  “Maybe,” Danny said with a sly grin. “But I doubt it.”

  The other guy broke out laughing and held his fist out for Danny to bump. “Tear it up, my brother.” Danny nudged his fist. “Nice to meet you, Barney.”

  “Brad,” I said, correcting him.

  “Who?” he asked back.

  “Never mind,” I said, as the beer began to dribble down my legs.

  The guy gave me a quick “Whatever” and said to Danny, “Call me tomorrow, big guy.”

  Danny nodded, and about a dozen guys walked out with girls. They looked like a band of giants who were taking their female captives back to their lands. I shook my head as I realized I was a bit more buzzed than I had figured.

  “Okay, good,” Danny said as soon as they were gone. “Come on, before they get back.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me through the crowd.

  “Who?” I asked, following the best I could.

  “One skank, two skank, red skank, blue skank,” he said, nodding back the way we came. “Come on before someone sees us!”

  I let myself be pulled down one of the halls simply because I had no idea what was going on anymore. We stopped at a closed door, and he pulled a key out of his pocket. “The party is winding down. They’ll assume we left with the other guys.” I nodded, not knowing what that meant as he opened his door. “Get in here already.”

  I hurried in as he slammed the door. I turned around to ask him what was going on, but as soon as I opened my mouth, I found his on top of mine.