151 Days

by John Goode

  I stood there frozen as he kissed me.

  Seconds passed, and I didn’t move.

  After more nothing from me, he pulled back slightly.

  He stared at me for a second. “You okay?”

  I nodded.

  He leaned in to kiss me again.

  “Whoa,” I said, pulling back. “Why are you kissing me?” The room was ridiculously small—even more so when occupied by a guy his size.

  “Why?” he asked, pulling his sweatshirt over his head. “I’ve been wanting to attack you since this morning.” His T-shirt had ridden up, exposing a body that was just this side of perfect. He had an eight-pack and I realized there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him. He was huge and defined. I hated everything about his genetics instantly.

  And then my brain stopped being a horndog. “Wait, you’re gay?”

  “Bi,” he said, pulling the T-shirt off. “It’s cool, dude. I know about you,” he said, advancing.

  I took another step back. “You do? How?” If this guy was going to try to force the point, I really didn’t think I could stop him.

  He chuckled as he slipped his shoes off. Jesus Christ, his feet were huge. “Why do you think they sent me to walk you around? I’m in the same boat, man. Trust me, it’s all good.”

  His hands went to his pants, and I called out, “Okay, stop!” He froze as I tried to ignore the fact I could see he was already aroused through his boxers and slacks. “I can’t do this.”

  The top button of his pants was undone, and I could see the Adonis cut of his torso flex. I honestly didn’t know they made guys who looked like this. “You can’t? Dude, we’re covered. The guys saw us with those chicks. As far as anyone is concerned, we fucked them silly and then crashed.”

  “No,” I tried to explain, shaking my head. “I don’t…. Look, can you please just sit down and talk for a second?”

  He stopped walking toward me and looked down. “Are you not into me? Because you’ve been staring pretty hard for someone who isn’t attracted.”

  I sat on the edge of his bed as he straddled the chair at his computer desk. “Do I think you’re hot? Yes. But I am not going to fool around with you.”

  He got a confused look. “Why?”

  I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say when I opened my mouth, but the moment the words came tumbling out, I knew they were the truth. “I’m in love with someone else.”

  He put his head down and let off a pretty convincing growl. “I. Have. The. Shittiest. Luck.”

  “I’m sorry?” I offered.

  He looked up and sighed. “It’s cool. You want me to take you home?”

  I sat there for a moment and thought about it. “I’d rather you tell me what it’s like to be an athlete in the closet.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and I really thought he hadn’t heard me. Finally he said, “What’s it like? Crap. You can’t tell anyone what you’re really thinking. You can’t be with the person you really want to. I’m dating a girl that I have zero interest in, which is a shame because she’s an incredible person. I feel like a dog that has a piece of steak on his nose, and the world is just daring me to eat it. So how is it? Well, if I had a choice between this and having a guy come in every day and kick me in the balls, I’d invest in ice packs and industrial-strength cups.”

  He sounded miserable, but I think he felt better after unloading all that on me. I went back over his words, and something clicked. “Who is he?” I asked.

  He looked up at me. “Who?”

  “The person you really want to be with,” I answered.

  He didn’t say a word for a long time and then just deflated in his chair. “Who cares? I screwed it up with him anyways.”

  “Me?” I asked, pointing a finger to my chest.

  He chuckled a bit. “Okay, I guess it’s true. All jocks are self-absorbed idiots. No, not you. You just happened to be hot, and I knew you were into guys. The guy I screwed up with was… different.”

  “Different good?”

  He nodded and added, “Different incredible.”

  I knew the feeling. In fact, I knew the exact feeling. The words I said next weren’t so much to him as they were to my own lazy ass. “Then go get him. Go after him, and don’t let anything stop you. Look, you love basketball the same way I love baseball, but look at us now. We’re fucking miserable. Sports isn’t going to make our lives instantly perfect, and they aren’t going to give us everlasting joy.” I leaned toward him. “And we both know that playing any kind of ball isn’t going to make us like girls. So you… we have a choice. We either keep being miserable because we sacrifice the things we really want for the things we think we should want, or we stop being pussies and man up. Go get the thing in life that is going to make us complete, and fuck the rest of the world. If they aren’t ready for a gay athlete, then someone else will be. Because I’d rather be a happy me than a miserable someone else.” I stood up. “And I’m tired of being someone else.”

  He looked up at me, his face kind of stuck between a smile and something else.

  “You’re right,” he said slowly. “You are absolutely right. If I want Sam, then I should go get him.”

  I had no idea what that meant, but I chimed in. “And I want Kyle, and I am going to go get him.” He looked at me and smiled.

  He stood up, and I instantly felt like a reject from the lollipop guild. “Fuck yeah!” he roared.

  “But not right now,” I said, quieter. “Because it’s like three in the morning, and any guy we call and proclaim our love for will think we’re just drunk-dialing them.”

  He thought about it and agreed. “Yeah, good point. Then tomorrow, I’ll go get him.” He looked down at me, and I again tried not to stare at his eight-pack. “I’m glad I met you, Brad. You’re a serious bro.” He did a quick one-shoulder hug and patted me on the back. “Seriously, man, your guy is a lucky dude.”

  I smiled at him. “Thanks, man, and I’m sure Sam is just as lucky.”

  He pulled down his shirt and grabbed his keys. “Not yet, but he will be.”

  WHEN DANNY dropped me off at the hotel, I wasn’t surprised to find my dad asleep in his bed.

  I didn’t turn on the lights and just slipped my clothes off in the dark. I was digging through my bag for some sweats to sleep in when I heard him ask, “So, have fun?”

  I pulled on the pants and slipped my shirt over my head. It reeked of smoke. I tossed it in the corner and felt my way over to my bed. “Kinda,” I answered, sitting on the edge. “Dad, I came to a decision.” The room was dead silent as I waited for him to speak. I heard him rustle in his bed, most likely moving to turn the light on. “Please don’t turn that on,” I said quickly. “I need to say this, and it is going to be a lot easier if I don’t have to see your face.”

  I could hear a half sigh escape his lips. “Fine. No lights.”

  He was waiting for me, and I was waiting for courage. Not finding any, I just took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to take the scholarship, and here is why. I know it’s a great opportunity, but they want me to pretend I’m someone I’m not, and I can’t do that anymore.” I heard him move from the other side of the room, but I kept talking. “Okay, no, I could do it. I just don’t want to. You don’t know how it was, Dad, lying to everyone, keeping secrets, making sure I didn’t look too long or say the wrong thing. I didn’t even know it until Kyle, but I was dying inside. Something inside of me was in agony, and I can’t go back to that. If I did, I’d either end up binge drinking or just blowing my head off, because I can’t go four years lying to every single person I know. I just can’t.”

  He said nothing.

  “So if you want to be mad and kick me out of the house and whatever, fine. But I am not going to go to school here, period.” I waited for him to scream or to start bellowing. Hell, part of me was expecting him to come leaping out of the shadows to hit me.

  Instead, he turned on the light on the nightstand. He was sitting on h
is bed across from me. “You done?” I nodded. “Okay, then let me say a few things.” I mentally prepared myself to be torn into a million tiny pieces. As my eyes got adjusted to the light, I could see a half-empty bottle of something on the nightstand with a glass next to it. Leave it my old man; he wouldn’t pay the minibar prices, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from getting his drunk on.

  “If you don’t want to go here, then don’t. I told you it was your choice, and it is. Do I think it’s the right one? No, but then again I’m not gay, so I have no idea what you’re going through. I think you’re wrong, though. I think you can get through it. Not because I don’t think it’s that difficult. I think you can get through it because you’re my son, and I have never seen you back away from a fight in your life.” I felt my eyes sting as he kept talking. “I know we haven’t always gotten along, and that is because I couldn’t afford to be your friend, not while I was pushing you so hard to succeed. I put you in sports because it changed my life, and I knew it could change yours. When you wanted to play baseball instead of football, I didn’t stop you. Hell, I didn’t care what you played as long as you were the best.”

  He paused like he thought I was going to say something, but I was too stunned to even breathe.

  “I don’t know if you’ll ever be a father, but if you are, try to remember this. It’s your job to make sure that kid gets across the finish line. Whatever race they decide to run in, you have to support it, and then not let them back out of it, because that’s what kids do. They start something and then whine when it gets too hard and never see it through. As a father, I made sure you saw things through, so that when you were there and had to make a choice, you could make an informed one. You made it here. You have A&M offering to pay you for four years of college. That is because of you and your talent. If you don’t want to take it, that’s your choice, but it’s a choice that you made because you got here. You didn’t stop in junior high because you hated running or freshman year because you didn’t like playing under a Texas summer, and that’s because I made you play. But you’re here now. You’re a man. If that’s your choice, I’ll honor it.”

  There were tears going down my face because this was the closest my father had ever come to giving me a compliment.

  “I know I was rough, and I know the shit between your mom and I affected you. But seriously, Brad, you are as good as I knew you could be, and that’s why I pushed you. So you could sit here and tell one of the biggest colleges in the south to go fuck themselves.”

  I rushed over and hugged him like I had never hugged him before.

  “Thank you, Dad,” I said as he hugged me back. “Thank you for everything.”

  He chuckled. “Well, not everything, but most of it.”

  I sat there crying. I couldn’t have agreed more.

  MY FATHER did the talking as he told Mr. Peterson that he could go jump off a cliff.

  “That is regrettable,” he said, not sounding the least bit upset.

  That was when my inner Kyle jumped out. “No, what is regrettable is the way you treat athletes who generate millions of dollars for your school, sir.” All three men looked at me like I had grown a third eye. “Bad enough that you license their likeness and names without giving them a cent, but to make them live a life that is a lie is the worst.” I looked at the alumni guy. “If the people who donate money here have a problem with gay athletes, then they should get used to losing a lot because in the future, more of them are not going to take it anymore. My sexuality has nothing to do with how I play baseball, and anyone who thinks so is welcome to try to prove it at a batting cage any day of the week.” I looked at Coach Perkins. “I’m sorry I won’t be playing for you this or any year you’re coach here.” I pulled his baseball card out of my pocket and put it on the table. “I don’t need this anymore. My heroes don’t stand by and let shit like this happen.”

  I looked over to my dad and nodded. “I’m good.”

  He smiled and put his arm around me. “Good luck with your season,” he said cheerfully and walked me out.

  As we made our way to the car, he asked, “You sure?”

  I gave him a smile as I opened my door. “Never more sure of anything.”

  As we buckled up, he reminded me, “You do know you still have to figure out what you’re going to do.”

  He started the car. I nodded but didn’t say a word. I knew exactly what I was going to do.

  I was going to get Kyle back, no matter what.

  WE TOOK a detour to Arlington instead of going home because the Rangers were playing the Mariners, and my dad said he wasn’t ready to head home yet, and I never needed a reason to see the Rangers play in person. I felt like a kid again as we walked into the stadium, and I begged my dad for something to eat. He shocked the hell out of me by coming back with a basket of hot dogs and nachos and two beers. I was about to tell him he forgot my drink when he handed me one of them. I took it and looked around guiltily.

  “I can’t drink this,” I said, whispering for no reason whatsoever. “I’m not legal.”

  He gave me a smile. “I know how old you are, and we’re in the middle of a baseball game. Just drink the damn thing and try not to pretend that it’s your first one.”

  I couldn’t help looking around before taking a long drink. On a hot day like this, it was the best beer I had ever had.

  “I remember my old man took me to see the Oilers play back in the day, and he bought me a beer.” He was looking at the field, but I knew he was looking backward in time. “I remember thinking that if I started drinking, I’d end up like him. Turns out I didn’t even need that. I turned out to be an asshole all by myself.”

  It was weird seeing my dad as another person, with thoughts and wants and all that. I mean, you know that your parents were once kids like you and all, but you get so used to seeing them as these things… these parental units that you forget they’re human.

  I put my hand on his, and he looked over at me in confusion. We were never the touchiest of families, so he was a little bewildered by the action. “You may have been rough, but I just turned down a scholarship to A&M, and it’s because of you.” He gave me a look, and I laughed. “That didn’t come out right. I mean, I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you pushing me. I’m not going to pretend you were always my favorite person, but you were a decent father.”

  I could see my words had touched him, and I let them linger there for a moment. “This whole hand-touching thing is weirding you out, isn’t it?”

  “Little bit,” he agreed.

  I laughed and went back to drinking my beer.

  It was a great day.

  We also won 11-3, just saying.

  WHEN WE got back late Sunday night, I realized there was no way to talk to Kyle until tomorrow at school.

  I thought about calling Jennifer for a moment and then changed my mind. Calling this late was risking the wraith of the dad, and that was nothing I wanted to risk. So I forced myself to lie in bed until I finally passed out. The next day, everything changed. I just knew it would.

  THE DAY started the same as every other day: too early for my taste.

  I took a shower and got dressed, my brain thinking only of Kyle and getting him back. I wasn’t even hungry as I ran out the door. I texted Jennifer and asked her if she needed a ride. She wasted no time saying “hell yes.” She was waiting outside when I got to her house. She handed me a Pop-Tart as she got in the car. “Someone is up early.”

  I almost finished the pastry in one bite. “I have a mission,” I said as she buckled her belt.

  “How was A&M?” she asked, remembering why I was gone all weekend.

  I waved my hand at her. “They offered me a full ride, and I turned it down, but that isn’t important.”

  She almost choked on her food. “What? Since when?”

  “Doesn’t matter.” I began driving to school. “I need to get Kyle back,” I said with conviction.

  She didn’t say anything fo
r a couple of blocks. Finally she piped up. “Wait, so they gave you a scholarship, and you turned it down? Why?”

  “Because they didn’t want the gay me, just the me that played baseball.” It was weird that I had no malice about it as I explained it to her. It was a choice. I’d made it, and I was at peace with it. I really didn’t think that would happen. “They wanted me to sign all this crap that said I wouldn’t date a guy or tell anyone I was gay, and I said no. I’m not that guy anymore, and I don’t want to be him again.”

  She didn’t say a word all the way to school. In fact, when we pulled in to the parking lot, I saw she had just been staring at me. “What?” I asked, thinking I had food on my face or something.

  “Did you give up A&M for Kyle?” she asked me, her voice half-concerned and half-sad.

  “No,” my mouth said without thinking. No? I didn’t? Then who did I turn it down for? “No, I didn’t do it for him,” my mouth kept talking without my help. “I did it for me. I did it because I wasn’t willing to pretend to be the perfect little jock they wanted. I am who I am, and if they don’t want that, then they don’t get the rest.”

  I honestly think I just impressed myself.

  “We need to talk about Kyle before you talk to him,” she said as we got out of the car. “This isn’t a normal ‘Brad rushes in and says a bunch of stuff and wins the day’ kind of situation. Kyle is in a bad place, and I think you just professing your love might make it worse.”

  “What’s wrong with him?” I asked, pausing before closing my door. “You never got a chance to tell me Friday.”

  The first bell rang, and I realized she wasn’t going to have time now either.

  “In class,” she promised me as she turned to the building. “Don’t do anything until then,” she warned me.

  I gave her a salute, which made her laugh.

  I ALMOST lost it before I got to Mr. Powers’ class. When she walked in, I almost jumped her.