Wanted

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  To seek advice. To tell someone—anyone—all about everything she’d done and every horrible choice she’d made.

  How she’d taken advantage of Holly’s friendship. How she’d let Brandon imagine she returned his feelings. How she’d lied to her family because she enjoyed Brandon’s admiration. But as she looked for Anna’s buggy and prepared to call out to her to stop, her heart lodged in her throat.

  Anna had already left. Once again, Katie knew she was all alone.

  Chapter 9

  All day Jonathan had looked forward to the moment he could come home from work and relax in the comfort of his own home. But as he entered the living room and eyed Katie’s gently curving shoulders and pale neck bent over a bit of sewing, he felt his face heat up.

  Oh, Katie affected him so.

  In fact, every time he heard her voice or spied a bit of her pretty form, he could feel himself becoming tongue-tied and the muscles in his shoulders starting to bunch. No matter how hard he tried to not be different around Katie, things were out of his hands. The plain truth was that he fancied her. He couldn’t help himself.

  And that wasn’t right. He had no need to marry again, well, beyond his girls needing a new mother. But that didn’t seem like a sound reason in the long run. Jonathan didn’t plan on being married to a woman he wasn’t sure he could love.

  And fact was, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of loving again. Did the Lord desire a man to do such things? His will was a mystery to Jonathan.

  Yes, his feelings about Katie most certainly did not make sense. Surely if he was meant to marry again, it would be to a woman not so different from his first wife.

  Someone not so terribly young and fresh and merry.

  Though, perhaps he didn’t need a copy of Sarah, after all.

  Things with Sarah had been rocky at times, that was the truth. Her sharp tongue had cut his feelings more than a time or two. Their union hadn’t been all that he had hoped it to be. His efforts to hide their strained relationship had been a surprise, as well. Jonathan had always prided his honesty and forthrightness. He’d thought those two qualities were integral to the type of man he was. But during those last months with Sarah, he’d been a master of doublespeak and avoidance.

  Even his gut friend Eli had commented on it one evening when they’d been raking gravel for the church services. “What is going on with you, Jonathan?” he’d ask time and again. “You seem so quiet and blue. How can I help?”

  But instead of seeking Eli’s advice and assistance, Jonathan had brushed him off. He’d been too embarrassed about the state of his marriage. Too ashamed that he wasn’t happier.

  Now, though, Jonathan realized that in spite of his intentions, his heart and head were thinking about companionship again with a certain blue-eyed woman. Every time she smiled, he imagined a life with her. Every time she laughed, he’d find himself dreaming about the possibility of not being alone night after night, with only his shadow for company.

  But was Katie Brenneman the answer? Part of him thought she could be. Katie had a sunny nature which encouraged him to smile. He liked the way she treated others and how she was just bossy enough so as he wouldn’t be tempted to run roughshod over her.

  She also had a winsome way he found as beguiling as anything he’d ever come in contact with. It made him want to protect her and keep her safe.

  Though he was not anxious to admit it, he liked how she did not always bend to his will. She stood up to him, but not in that brash way Sarah used to. No, it was more Katie’s way to listen to him, then state her reasons for wanting things differently.

  She was a surprisingly good negotiator, that Katie.

  In spite of himself, he smiled. As every day passed, Jonathan found himself becoming more eager to see her. Every morning when she made him breakfast, it was becoming harder and harder not to admire the way she moved about the kitchen so competently.

  Not to notice how pretty her skin was when the morning light shined on her just so. How her clothes smelled of lemons and her eyes were bluer than a fresh spring iris.

  But in spite of his awareness of her, he still found himself to be at a loss for words around her. Part of him wanted to encourage her attentions, to show her that he welcomed them. But old hurts from his past would curb his tongue.

  Now he worried that his distant manner had wiped out any feelings she’d previously had for him. Would she now even want such a man as himself? Someone so much older than she? Katie was twenty, while he was twenty-eight. Eight years was a fair difference. Perhaps she would notice his age over time.

  He’d also noticed how she had tried to please him. She’d taken to making applesauce bread when he’d commented how much he liked it. But, had he even attempted to praise her cooking skills? He doubted he had—sometimes when he looked at her, all thoughts would run from his head and it would take all he had just to remain in the same room with her.

  Fact was, from the time he could remember, people had commented on Katie’s fair beauty, both in looks and in spirit. While it was true rumors had circulated about her running-around years and how she’d been a bit too wild, Jonathan had long since pushed those stories off. Gossip seemed to be inevitable in their small community. No, Katie Brenneman was a fair faultless woman, and therefore, most certainly not the type of woman for him.

  The only remedy he could think of for his preoccupation was to keep away from her. He decided to do just that, and began edging backward out the doorway. Perhaps he could read through The Budget again. There might be some article or bit of news he’d overlooked the first time he’d read it through.

  Or he could work some in the barn. He’d neglected the tack room something awful lately. Blacky’s bridles could use a good oiling.

  “Jonathan, please don’t go.”

  Caught, he froze. “Hello, Katie. Gut-n-owed.”

  “Good evening to you, too.”

  Something in her voice was different. High strung. Concerned, he stepped forward in spite of himself. “Are you needing something?”

  “No, it’s not that.” She treated him to a ghost of a smile. “I just—well, I was alone all day and now the girls are asleep. Want to come in here and sit for a bit?”

  He did not. What would he have to say to her that she would find interesting? What would she do if she caught him staring at her, like a young boy?

  She nibbled on her lower lip. “I won’t keep you too long. I promise.”

  He couldn’t refuse such an offer. “All right.”

  Katie was a near wonder—he’d feel bad if he didn’t try to nod to her wishes at least a little bit. He moved forward and hesitantly sat in the large rocking chair across from her. “Are you warm enough?”

  The fire was roaring, and she’d even thoughtfully laid a crocheted afghan along the back of his chair. “I’m comfortable. This room has become mighty cozy, don’tcha think?”

  The room had never looked so inviting. But if he admitted that, it would shame Sarah’s memory. Wouldn’t it? “The fire is warm.”

  Something faded in her expression. Raising her chin, she tried again. “That rocking chair there is a fine piece of furniture. Have you had it long?”

  He paused to rub the soft, buttery wood under his arm. “Jah. My daadi—my grandfather—made this chair soon after he and my mammi Leonna married.”

  “What kind of wood is it? Oak?”

  “Oak, jah. But it’s stained a fair shade.” Remembering Sarah’s criticisms of it, he mumbled, “Some think it’s a bit too dark.”

  “It’s beautiful. I’ve taken to rocking in it when the girls come home and want to read with me.”

  The homey bit of information brought forth inviting visions of the way he’d always envisioned his life being. Of security and comfort at home. Of his house being more than it was now—a shell of a place. “Mary and Hannah enjoy sitting with you, Katie. You’ve done much to help them.”

  “I like being with them.”

  “They can tell. You are
so…so chatty.” Jonathan closed his eyes as he felt his cheeks burn yet again. Chatty? For goodness’ sake!

  But to his great surprise, Katie acted as if he’d just given her the greatest of compliments. She laughed. “I know I’m too chatty! Henry has told me more than once that I am too talkative by half. It’s a failing of mine, to be sure.”

  “We don’t think so.” Jonathan felt the blood rush to his face once more. Would she notice that he’d included himself in the compliment?

  Hesitantly, Katie ventured, “To be honest, I miss my family.”

  Like glass breaking, the tender moment was shattered. “I’m sorry—but it’s only for a short time that you will be here.” Somehow he knew the place was going to seem even emptier than it had felt before Katie, with her bright blue eyes and winsome demeanor claiming every corner.

  She blinked. “No, that isn’t what I meant at all. I was going to say that I miss the way my family gathers together in the evenings. We read or quilt or knit. It’s a very pleasant time.”

  Jonathan didn’t know if he could sit with her in the same room for hours on end. With nothing to occupy himself except for the distraction of her smile and the girls. “I’ve never been much for reading anything besides The Budget.”

  “We could do other things.” Eagerly she looked around. “We have puzzles at the inn. I could bring over one of those. Once Henry and I completed a two-thousand-piece jigsaw. It took us weeks!”

  Just the image of sitting next to her, putting pieces together side by side made his throat feel dry. “I don’t have—”

  “Or any kind of game?”

  He could see he was not about to get out of her suggestion so easily. “I’ll do some thinking about that.”

  To his surprise, Katie chuckled. Intrigued, he asked, “What is so funny?”

  “You are! Of course you are going to have to think about things, Jonathan. You do everything slow. As slow as molasses.”

  That sounded mighty critical. Stung, he said, “There’s nothing wrong with takin’ my time.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with walking backward, either,” she said with another chuckle. “I’m just surprised that you never want to shake things up a bit.”

  “My life has been shook enough, Katie.”

  All merriment fled from her face. “Oh! Jonathan, wait! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Surely you know I was only joking?”

  Embarrassment made his tone sharp. “My feelings are not hurt.” And how could he even imagine telling her if they were? She’d probably laugh even more!

  “So, please stay for a bit. We have much to discuss…to plan for the service.”

  “We’ve already planned most everything, jah? Eli and Henry will help me prepare the outside so there will be plenty of room for all the buggies and horses. They’re also going to help with a path to the basement door. You said you had the menu in hand.”

  “I do, but I’m still worried.”

  “Many hands will make quick work of it all.” To his surprise, he found himself speaking gently with her, like he would to Mary.

  Like Mary, she responded to his encouragement. Sitting up a little straighter, she nodded. “You’re right, Jonathan. Many hands will help. Yesterday afternoon the girls and I swept the basement well and washed the walls. Things already look better.”

  “The wagon with the oak benches will come tomorrow. Several men are going to help me unload them and carry them inside. Then, together, we’ll wipe down everything until it shines.”

  She frowned. “It’s too bad it’s winter. I always enjoy the services when they are in a barn and we get to eat outside.”

  Almost naturally, he sought to calm her fears. “This will be nice, as well, Katie. Don’t worry so. Plus, everyone knows our circumstances and will not judge too harshly if everything is not as perfect as it could be. You can’t help that Winnie is gone and the Barrs had to cancel.”

  Her blue eyes sparkled. “I’ll try to remember that. Um, how is Ruth, by the way? Did she recover from surgery all right?”

  “I stopped at McClusky’s for some supplies and heard the latest. Ruth did fine and now she is hoping for a lot of ice cream.”

  “I do love ice cream. It almost makes me wish I had a reason to enjoy a steady supply of it.”

  She liked ice cream? That was an easy enough way to make her smile. And, well, she was doing so much for him—it was the least he could do in return, right? “I’ll bring you home some tomorrow, if you’d like.”

  To his pleasure, Katie blushed. “Oh. Well, thank you.”

  “Any special flavor you like?”

  “Strawberry?”

  “I like strawberry, too.” Just as he was about to close his eyes in frustration—he sounded terribly young and foolish—Katie smiled. He felt her regard to his toes. Perhaps Katie and he might one day have a future, after all.

  Reaching into a large basket, she pulled out the latest edition of The Budget. “Would you like to read for a bit? We don’t have to talk anymore if you’d rather not.”

  At that moment, Jonathan trusted his eyes to focus on the paper instead of his tongue to say the right words. “I…yes. I’d like to sit here and read with you. If only for a bit.”

  “Only for a bit is fine with me.”

  As the glow from the kerosene lamps mixed with the glow from the fire, the room became illuminated in warmth. A sense of calmness filtered through the air, mixing with the apple-scented candle and igniting his senses.

  Finally Jonathan was able to admit to himself that this was the scene he’d always pictured in his mind, the type of moment he’d always wished he and Sarah had had more of.

  After years of wishing for companionship, years of resigning himself to a lifetime of being alone, Katie Brenneman was showing him that there was still time to find love again.

  She was someone he could trust his heart to. And that knowledge was incredible, indeed.

  Chapter 10

  I won’t go away.

  Katie bolted upright in bed and scanned the room, searching in the dim light for Holly. She’d heard the words so clearly, for a moment she’d been sure Holly was in the room with her. Her pulse beat rapidly, every muscle felt on alert. Taking deep breaths, Katie willed herself to settle down.

  She also realized she’d come to the inevitable truth. It was time to meet Holly. Avoiding her wasn’t working—all avoidance did was foster feelings of guilt and sleepless nights.

  Surely, anything was better than receiving her notes from Henry and Anna and being faced with their questions.

  But of course, she was alone. Katie shivered. In spite of the cold weather, her body was covered in sweat. With a grimace, she pulled at the neckline of her nightgown. It felt too snug and confining. Damp.

  Little by little, as the chilly air met her skin, the dampness dissipated. She looked at the clock near her bed, its plain white face illuminated by the moonlight. Barely could she make out the numbers. Two a.m., or near that. Too early to get up. Four a.m. would arrive soon enough.

  With a force of will, Katie lay back down again. But though she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, sleep was far away.

  All that seemed to enter her mind were the awful words. Holly’s sentences were as completely puzzling as they were frightening. “I won’t go away”?

  Why would Holly write such a thing? They’d hadn’t seen each other in almost a year. What could be so important now? The only thing Holly could be speaking of was Brandon, and Katie knew it would be terribly foolish to ever see him again.

  Sleep was surely never to come. After lighting a candle, she pulled out her memory box. The little teddy bear with the golden eyes stared back at her when she lifted the lid.

  Gingerly, she held it in her hands, stroking the soft fur. Remembering how she’d felt when Brandon had placed it in her hands. Even now, she was reluctant to part with it. Such sweet moments were rarities.

  “It’s for you,” Brandon had whispered. “It’s just
a silly toy, but it reminded me of you.”

  She’d sat there, mesmerized. “How did such a thing make you think of me?”

  His expression teasing, Brandon had tapped the bear’s head. “First, it’s very cute. Like you.” He’d leaned closer. “There there’s its eyes.”

  She’d been completely confused. So terribly naive. “Mine are blue, Brandon. This bear’s eyes are brown.”

  He’d laughed. “But they’re almost as pretty. And they have a look of wonder in them. Just like you do, Kate. I love your sweetness. I like you so much.”

  She’d closed her eyes then. Every sense had been aware of him. He always smelled like cologne. His feelings had always been so open toward her. So caring, as if she was special.

  “Oh.” She’d looked around the room for something to comment on, for something to say so she wouldn’t sound so tongue-tied, but nothing else held her attention. Holly had left them to talk on the phone to one of her friends. That meant the two of them had been alone, with only the television to act as a chaperone.

  Very gently, he placed the bear into her hands, like she mattered the world to him. “No matter what happens, take it, Kate. I bought it for you. Whenever you look at it, you can think of me.”

  “I won’t need the bear to recall you.”

  Her frank words had made him chuckle. Oh, she’d always taken his words so literally! “You might.”

  And so, she had held that bear in her arms. She’d kept it even after he’d told her he loved her. Even after she’d told them the truth about who she was.

  Even after she told them that she didn’t love him. Not enough, anyway.

  To her shame, Katie had encouraged his attentions. She’d smiled and flirted and hinted that she wanted everything he did.

  Yes, she had disregarded everything she’d known to be morally right. She’d lied to her new friend, and instead of feeling vaguely guilty about hurting Holly’s brother, Katie had felt triumphant. Important. Oh, so very full of herself.

  Looking back, Katie wondered how she could have gone so far astray.