Until We Are Gone

by Gia Riley

  “Just breathe. Come inside, and I’ll tell you everything.”

  I want to follow Nolan, but I can’t move. I’m afraid that, if I go inside, I won’t come out the same person. Maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t know at this point. But this feels like the first time I went inside my own home with Cash. When he walked around and pointed out all the items I used to love so much. Items that meant nothing to me. Not even the music box could stir my emotions.

  It wasn’t Grandma’s, I remind myself.

  Maybe, if the box were the exact one she’d had, I would have remembered it. Because, like Ms. Lucia said, even the smallest of details can change your perception.

  Nolan holds out his hand, and as badly as I want to take it, I’m still afraid.

  “Meadow, please. Let me explain how we know each other.”

  I grip his fingers because, if I don’t, I’ll run. I won’t stop until I’m through the corn and at the farmhouse. I can’t be sure Cash got rid of the vodka I had stashed all over the place, so if I were to find a bottle, I wouldn’t be strong enough not to drink it.

  Nolan sits me down in the living room, on a couch draped with homemade afghans, like Grandma used to make. I silently pray that she’s with me because the silence is so unnerving; my heart is thumping in my ears.

  “Say something, Nolan. Make this feeling go away.”

  “Tell me what you’re feeling,” he says.

  But that isn’t part of the deal. He is supposed to start explaining.

  “I don’t want a therapy session. Just the truth. Why is my picture in your phone?”

  He swallows the lump in his throat. I know it’s there because mine’s burning, too. It always does when another bombshell gets dropped on me.

  “There’s no easy way to lead into this, so I’m just going to say it. Okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Meadow, you’re the girl I was talking about on the way here. You made me buy the Mercedes.”

  If I’m the girl who made him buy it, then all those other things he said were about me, too.

  “She wasn’t a gold digger. The exact opposite actually.”

  “She’s a sweet person. Full of life, and she has a really good sense of humor.”

  “I have for a long time.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  The entire conversation runs through my mind, and all I can focus on is the fact that Nolan misses me. We were together, and he looks at me like I’m special because he cared.

  “So, I haven’t been imagining it? You feel something, too?”

  “Yes, Meadow. You were my girlfriend. We were happy. The only reason we didn’t stay together is because the accident happened.”

  “How did I end up with you though if I’m married to Cash?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “You never spoke of him. There was no ring on your finger, and you had your own place. I was shocked when I found out about Cash.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  There’s so much I need to find out, but there’s only one person who can fill in those blanks. Without him, we’re missing the rest of the pieces to this puzzle.

  “How could this have happened?”

  “I don’t know, Meadow. I loved you, and when I couldn’t find you, I was devastated. I had been planning on asking you to move in with me. The house next door would have been ours.”

  “That’s where you still live, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you swear, we were together the night of the accident?”

  “Yes. I’d have been there the second the hospital called if I had been listed as your emergency contact. But I’m guessing Cash was, and they had no way of knowing if you were still together or not.”

  “I wouldn’t have had an affair,” I tell him. “I might not know a lot about who I used to be, but I can’t imagine I’d ever do something like that.”

  “There was nobody else, Meadow. Not even Cash. We were together every free second we had. Most nights, you slept at my house, only going to the condo when you needed more clothes. That’s why I planned to have you move in with me, so you wouldn’t have to go back and forth between two places anymore. It just made sense.”

  “Why didn’t you come to the hospital and see me? You sometimes have patients there, right?”

  “Trust me, I checked the computer every chance I had. Someone had you wiped from the system. You had to have been listed under a different name, a name that nobody would know. That’s all I can think of.”

  How could that have happened? Why would Cash have done that?

  “Where’s my condo?”

  “Not far from here. Just a couple of minutes.”

  “I want to see it,” I tell him. I need more proof that he’s not making all of this up. “Can you take me there?”

  “Yes, I’ll show you. But then I have to take you back to the center. That doesn’t mean we’re done talking about this though.”

  “I know,” I whisper as a tear slides down my cheek. I don’t know what else to do with myself.

  I’ve been in hell, struggling to come to terms with a life that makes no sense to me. A life that doesn’t feel like my own, no matter how hard I try to accept it. And, now, Nolan’s telling me I’ve been living in the wrong house with the wrong man. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

  “Don’t cry, gorgeous.”

  “Did you call me that when we were together, too?”

  “Yes,” he says. “You liked it. I’ll stop if it bothers you.”

  “No, don’t stop. Hearing you say it gives me butterflies, one of the few reminders that I’m happy these days.”

  He runs his thumb back and forth over my skin. “I promise you, Meadow, we were happy. If we hadn’t been, I wouldn’t be telling you any of this. I’d let you go on with your life instead of weighing you down.”

  “What are we going to do? Does this mean we’re still together?”

  He sighs and closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them, they’re glassy. “You didn’t have a husband before. I mean, technically, you must have, but I didn’t know about him. We never really discussed our former relationships. There wasn’t a reason to push for information or a single red flag. You were just a nurse from Pinewoods, doing her best to help people. That’s what I loved about you the most.”

  Loved.

  I still love him.

  And, now, I might not ever have him again.

  Regardless of our relationship status, what happened has Cash written all over it. I’m just not sure how or why, but I will get to the bottom of it. Because, since the accident, it’s been nothing but heartache and disappointment. And I’m tired. So damn tired.

  “I’m not sure it helps, but I do think this could be why you had such a hard time at home.”

  “At the house with Cash?”

  “Yeah,” he says. “There was an internal struggle going on without you even knowing it. It was only a matter of time before you fell apart.”

  “So, the drinking and depression might not be my fault?”

  “Nothing is your fault, Meadow. You didn’t ask for any of this. Remember that.”

  I wouldn’t be in this position if I could remember.

  What he’s saying makes sense though. If I wasn’t living with Cash at the time of the accident, maybe that’s why I didn’t remember my own house. I was miserable because my body knew that I had a place of my own. My heart knew it wanted to be with Nolan.

  “You weren’t kidding when you said we’re complicated.”

  “I wish I were,” he says. “Imagine how I felt when I found out that not only were you my patient, but you had also been living fifteen minutes away from me the whole time. Once I took on your case, I had to walk into a room and pretend I felt nothing for you. I was terrified that the woman I loved was gone from this world even though she was sitting right in front of me.”

  “That’s what Cash says.”

  “Cash is an idiot then. Because I didn’t
see a stranger, Meadow. When I looked at you, I saw the same gorgeous girl I had fallen for. The only thing different was this ugly disease that’d been trying to strip you of a future.”

  A disease that stems from lies.

  “I wish I remembered you, Nolan.”

  “Sometimes, I think you do.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Just from the way you look at me. Nothing about that has changed. I see the same fire inside your eyes. The same passion radiating from your heart. You might not remember what we did for your birthday or where I took you on the weekends, but you remember me. I’m still inside of you somewhere.”

  I know he’s right. From the moment I saw him, I couldn’t explain why I wanted him so badly. All I knew was that I had been dreaming about a man I couldn’t live without. My body was at war with itself, and my heart brought him back to me the only way my mind would allow—at night in my dreams.

  And, now, I have a confession of my own.

  “I probably should have told you this last night, but I was afraid you’d think I was insane.”

  “I’d never think that, Meadow. You can tell me anything.”

  He might regret saying that, but I tell him all about the dreams anyway. From the way they started to how they progressed. I even recount a majority of the filthy nights we shared. He listens intently, and when I get to the end, he gives me the wickedest smile I’ve ever seen.

  “Can I see the journal?” he asks.

  Blushing, I bite my lip because I can’t stop thinking about all the dirty ways he’s touched me and how much I want him to do it again.

  I freaked out when Cash saw my journal, probably because my gut told me that the dreams weren’t about him. They were private, only for Nolan and me.

  “I’ll show you,” I tell him, my voice a breathy whisper.

  Nolan pulls me onto his lap and wraps me up so tightly, I wince.

  “I’m sorry. I forgot about the bruise.”

  I haven’t felt the pain since we came inside the house. And I probably won’t until I come down from this high.

  “I’m okay, Nolan.” For the first time in a while, I think I might even mean it. I’ll get through this. I’ll deal with every single piece of new information without the help of vodka. I don’t need to drink. Not when I have Nolan.

  “Were you going to force me to remember?” I ask him.

  “I’d never force you to do anything. But I did plan on hypnotizing you and using some of our memories to do it. I told myself every look you gave me couldn’t be a coincidence. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I had to try.”

  When we go back to the center, Nolan and I won’t be a secret anymore. Ms. Lucia and anyone else who saw the fight will know there’s something going on between us. So, if he wants to hypnotize me and use any of the moments I wrote about in the journal, I don’t care. I’m still terrified of the entire process. I trust him though. He’s not going to make a fool of me or do anything inappropriate. And I don’t even care if Gretchen’s in the room.

  “I want a chance to remember us.”

  “What are you saying, Meadow?”

  “I want you to try to hypnotize me. If you can give me back us, then I want that.”

  “What about Cash and your marriage? I might be able to get you back there with hypnosis.”

  Shaking my head, I say, “No,” without a second thought. And, given the fact that he looked away from me when he mentioned it, he doesn’t want that either. “I don’t love Cash. And I understand why now. Whatever I need to know, he’ll tell me himself.”

  “It’s okay if you feel something for him. I’m not upset.”

  The only feeling I have for Cash is hate.

  “I mean it, Nolan. I haven’t been able to love him because, this whole time, I’ve still been in love with you.”

  What my brain forgot, my heart remembered.

  Nolan places a soft kiss on my forehead. It’s the kind of gesture that sets your soul on fire and lets you know you’re finally in a place you belong.

  I’m ready to figure out the rest of the story. It’s time Cash and I got on the same page.

  “Will you take me to the condo before we go back?”

  “Sure,” he says. “We can’t stay, but I’ll drive by.”

  Just as he stands up and places my feet on the floor, someone blows their nose.

  Nolan smirks because it kind of ruins the moment, and then we manage a little laugh. Given the circumstances, it’s a much-needed lull in the heartache.

  “Meadow, there’s someone I need you to meet before we leave.”

  I glance over his shoulder and see a woman leaning on a walker, shuffling her way toward the couch.

  “Mimi,” I whisper.

  thirty-one

  NOLAN

  I’ve never told Meadow Mimi’s name. Not once.

  “Welcome back, darling girl,” Mimi says as she holds out her hand.

  And, though Meadow’s first step is cautious, she practically runs into Mimi’s arms. Seconds later, sobs rack Meadow’s entire body, and Mimi sheds a few of her own.

  On the way here, I prayed like hell that Mimi was having a good day. Because, on a bad one, she barely recognizes me. Sometimes, it takes telling her a story to jostle her memory, and other times, nothing I do helps. But, regardless of all of that, I never expected this moment to happen.

  “Let it out,” Mimi tells her. “You’ve been gone a long time.”

  The nurse becomes the patient and the patient the caregiver. It’s the most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen.

  “Mimi,” Meadow says over and over. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

  “You didn’t have a choice. You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  My phone chimes with another text, and at first, I want to throw it against the wall. Nothing is more important than these two reuniting. But it’s Ms. Lucia checking in.

  So, after I snap a quick picture because this moment deserves to be celebrated, I send it to her with the caption, She remembers.

  Ms. Lucia must be as emotional as I am because she doesn’t yell at me for being gone too long or threaten to fire me for taking Meadow someplace other than the hospital.

  All she says is, Thank God.

  If I had known seeing Mimi would help Meadow, I’d have done it right away. But her file said that seeing people she was supposed to know and didn’t had set her off. I couldn’t risk making Meadow worse.

  Mimi keeps rubbing Meadow’s back, and though Meadow’s supporting most of Mimi’s weight, they still sway side to side.

  “It’ll be okay now, Meadow,” Mimi says. “Everything will turn out how it’s supposed to.”

  “Yes”—Meadow sniffles—“it already is. I just got my two favorite people back.”

  Mimi’s face lights up, and I realize just how much she was missing Meadow, too. I should have talked about Meadow more or done something to fill the void besides replacing Meadow with another abled body to take care of her. Mimi needs more than that. She needed a friend.

  “Stick with Nolan and don’t give up, you hear me? That boy loves you something fierce.”

  Mimi has a devilish gleam in her eye, and I can only imagine what else she’d like to say. I’m just glad she keeps it PG even if Meadow would love to hear her worst.

  “I won’t give up,” Meadow tells her. “And you need to take your medicine, even the green pill that tastes like chalk.”

  Mimi looks at me and smiles. “Even the green one.”

  We just argued about the green pill the other day.

  It’s so fitting that the one person Meadow remembers is Mimi. Meadow was devoted to Mimi’s care, spending more time than she was getting paid for looking after her. We were a team in that sense, and I can’t even describe how it feels to have my partner back. The gaping hole in my chest is slowly being filled back up.

  When Meadow turns around, her eyes are puffy and red. It’s okay though; these are
the good kind of tears, the ones that need to be shed.

  “We have to go,” I tell her.

  Though hesitant to let go of Mimi, she nods and says, “Okay.”

  I feel like I’m breaking two best friends apart. Mimi needs time with Meadow just as much as Meadow needs time with Mimi.

  I should ask for permission first, but I do what I feel is best for the both of them. “If Mimi’s feeling up to it, I’ll bring her by on Wednesday during visiting hours. You can spend more time together.”

  “I’d like that,” Meadow says with a grateful smile. “I’ll see you soon, Mimi.”

  One last hug, and then Meadow follows me to the car. Once we’re both inside and belted, she brings her knees to her chest and buries her face. I turn the radio off and listen to the sound of her breathing.

  She’s keeping them steady, just like I told her to do at the hospital.

  Meadow’s okay.

  She’s handling this better than I could have ever imagined.

  She’s getting better.

  Meadow hears the turn signal and looks up, and I know the only reason she does is because she’s curious about how to get to her place.

  It’s been months since I drove by, and though we usually hung out at my place because it’s closer to Mimi, I start to wonder if we never stayed at the condo for a reason.

  Meadow didn’t hide the fact that she lived in Pinewoods. She was proud of her place. And the inside was just like her—full of life. She wasn’t messy, but she wasn’t ashamed to have a little dust on the mantel either.

  “It’s lived in,” she once told me. “Perfection makes me edgy.”

  At the time, I took her admission for what it was—a girl who wanted to live life and not be chained to a rope. She had flaws and accepted them along with a past that was probably littered with mistakes, but I had all of that, too.

  Now, I’m trying to remember everything she ever said to me, wondering if I missed obvious clues about the life she’d lived before me.

  Was she drowning then?

  Why the hell didn’t I find out when I had the chance?

  Blinded by love, I guess.

  When I pull into the lot, she looks around. I wait to see if she has any recollection of which one is hers. She doesn’t.