Until We Are Gone

by Gia Riley

  “It’s building two,” I tell her. “The second floor, on the end.”

  “I need to get out,” she says, so I pull into a parking space and let her open her door.

  Meadow won’t run, I’m sure of it, but when she starts walking toward the building, I go after her. I don’t know if I should let her look inside or not, but if she hadn’t gone inside Mimi’s house, she never would have seen her or realized that she still remembered her favorite patient.

  “Does anything look familiar, Meadow?”

  She shakes her head, and then once inside the building, she stops. The line of mailboxes catches her attention, and without thinking, she moves in front of box 209.

  “This was mine,” she says.

  Running her fingers over the nameplate, she lifts it, and beneath is her name, Meadow Fuller. It was hers.

  “Do you remember the condo? If we went up, could you get there without me showing you the way?”

  “No. I have no idea what the inside looks like. Or where to go from here. But I know this mailbox. I was so proud of it. I’m not sure why, but I just know that I was.”

  “Bring the nameplate with you,” I tell her.

  “Can I do that?”

  “It was yours. Whoever packed you up and moved you was probably supposed to remove it.”

  She slides the name card the whole way out, leaving the current tenant’s name in place. And then she tucks it in her palm and takes a deep breath.

  “It’s crazy how fast you can be replaced. An entire life, just wiped away.”

  “We’ll figure this out, Meadow. I promise.”

  thirty-two

  MEADOW

  ONE WEEK LATER

  I’ve been pacing Nolan’s office since the sun rose. If I were smart, I would have soaked up the last few hours of sleep before today’s meeting. I haven’t been able to sleep in days though, and I know I won’t until I sit down and talk to Cash.

  It took five full days of begging for Ms. Lucia to agree to let me meet with him. She felt I wasn’t ready, that I needed more time to recover from my injuries before I could address the next step in the treatment process.

  It wasn’t a process to me though. What I had were problems. Problems that needed to be explained, so I could move on with my life.

  I understood where Ms. Lucia was coming from. To her, my mind was still a very fragile place. But I was remembering, and that was all she’d ever wanted for me.

  Cash and I might be a ticking time bomb, but he holds valuable information that might set me free, once and for all. Even if it does nothing to jostle my memories, at least I’ll know the truth.

  I’ve gone over my speech a million times, making sure every reason I’m upset with Cash is justified, so he has no choice but to see my point of view. I’m sure it won’t do much good. The second he walks into the room, I’ll panic. And then I’ll forget my perfectly concocted speech anyway.

  “Are you ready?” Nolan asks as he hugs me.

  He’s stayed at the center almost every night since we got back. We’re not supposed to be alone in his office anymore, not even during a session, but we are anyway. Having him under the same roof makes me feel better. I’m calmer, knowing he’s right down the hall, asleep on his couch.

  “I’m ready,” I tell him.

  He pulls away and glances at my face.

  “Then, what’s wrong?” he asks. “You’re so tense.”

  I dig into the pocket of my jeans and pull out the nameplate from the mailbox. I’ve been carrying it around as a reminder—that I had a life I wanted before the accident. For all I know, it might be the only piece of evidence I have to convince anyone of that. Because I don’t know if Cash will admit the truth today or if he’ll just keep trying to fill my head with more lies.

  “I want this meeting more than anything. I’m just scared the stories still won’t match up after we’re done.”

  “Meadow, I’m not lying to you about my side of the story. You were mine. Hell, you still are. The condo proves you weren’t living with Cash.”

  “I know that. I honestly believe you. I just don’t think I can handle more lies. If Cash isn’t honest with me, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  “You’ll move on. Just like you have been.”

  “With you?”

  “Of course with me. I don’t care what he says today. You don’t belong to him regardless of your last name.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  Nolan runs his fingers through my hair, and then he wraps his arms around my back and looks down at me with that look. The one that makes me ache all over.

  “We’re alone, Meadow.”

  “I know,” I whisper. “Ms. Lucia got called to another room.”

  “I know,” he says, smirking.

  “You had something to do with that, didn’t you?”

  He shrugs, neither confirming nor denying, but it’s obvious. He’s been up to no good.

  “I just wanted a little time with you before Cash arrives. Without prying eyes and nosy people recording everything.”

  That’s exactly what I need. He always knows the right thing to say and do.

  “But we’re not supposed to be alone,” I remind him.

  “Yet here we are.”

  I love it when he’s like this—playful and needy.

  “I brought you something,” I tell him.

  I feel his eyes on me as I walk over to my spot at the table and unzip the bag sitting on my chair. Pulling out the journal, I take a deep breath, and then I hold it out for him. “It’s yours if you want it.”

  “This is the one?” he asks.

  “By the one, if you mean dirty dreams, then yes. It’s the only one I have.”

  Nolan takes it out of my hand and opens it to the first page. I didn’t ease into anything. When I wrote about us, I went full throttle from the first sentence, and as he glances over the page, he groans.

  I’m not worried about what he thinks, just curious if any of it actually happened. When he looks up and licks his lips, I think I have my answer.

  “When you’re released, Meadow, we have a lot of work to do, just you and me.”

  “I realize that,” I tell him. “Maybe, if you find something you like in there, we could try it.”

  He doesn’t answer me; he just turns the page and devours another night’s worth of visions.

  The door opens, and I reach for the book, but Nolan closes it and quickly sits down at the table.

  Ms. Lucia sits across from him, and I take my place at one of the end seats, assuming Cash will be at the other end of the table.

  “Are you okay?” I whisper to Nolan.

  He swallows and opens his packet of papers. At the top, he scribbles the words, I want you so bad. I can’t stand up.

  It’s the laugh I need because the next person to walk through the door is Cash. And he’s not alone.

  “What is Teddi doing here?” I ask him.

  He helps her take off her coat and pulls her chair out. Once she’s settled, he finally looks at me.

  His eyes are already pleading for me to go easy on him. I don’t want to scream or yell. I just want him to truthfully answer my questions. I want him to set me free. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

  thirty-three

  CASH

  Teddi squeezes my hand underneath the table. On the drive over, she told me to be honest. That, no matter how incriminating things got, I had to get it all out in the open.

  From the conversation I’d had with Ms. Lucia on the phone, Meadow was ready. That should have made me happy, but all it had done was scare me. She was determined when she needed to be, and I figured today was one of those days she’d be ready for war.

  “Teddi’s here for support, Meadow. Like Nolan.”

  She scoffs at the dig. “For the record, Nolan’s my therapist. And I think it’s pathetic that you told Teddi the truth before you told me. I thought you respected me more than that.”

&nbs
p; I don’t want to start this meeting off with a fight. All I want is to make peace with the past and close this chapter—for good. We’ve been through enough.

  “Meadow, why don’t we let Cash start from the beginning? In his own words, without pressure from any of us.”

  She nods at Ms. Lucia and then stares at the table, bracing herself for a conversation that probably should have happened months ago.

  “When you’re ready, Cash,” Ms. Lucia says.

  I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, but I start anyway. I take it all the way back to the night of the accident. The night I made some bad decisions.

  When I got the call from the hospital, I just got home from the office. I was still wearing my suit and jacket and hadn’t even eaten yet. The nurse who called said it was urgent, that my wife was in a serious accident and that I needed to come to the emergency room as quickly as possible.

  Of course I didn’t hesitate. I grabbed my keys off the counter and jumped right back into my car. I blew through a couple of Stop signs and ran a red light.

  I barreled through the hospital doors and after I spoke to the woman at the desk, someone came right out to get me. That was how I knew Meadow’s condition wasn’t good. Every person I passed on the walk to her bed looked at me with pity. By the time I got to Meadow, I thought she’d died.

  Then, I saw all the tubes and machines, the fresh cuts and bruises covering her body, and I knew I still loved her. God, did I love the woman in that bed.

  They let me spend a little time with her, and then someone else came in the room to ask me a bunch of questions. I answered them the best I could. Luckily, Meadow had her own insurance through her job, so I didn’t have to worry about that. They looked it all up in the system though, and that was when I realized that all of Meadow’s care was still in my hands. I was her next of kin—the emergency contact they still had record of. And she was unable to tell them otherwise.

  But I knew she had been seeing someone, and if he came to look for her, he’d figure out a way to get my name taken off the chart, listing his information instead. I couldn’t risk that happening, so I told them to change her name in the system. It was the only way I could assure that I wouldn’t be forced out of her life.

  I’d convinced myself that the accident was my chance to make things right with Meadow. They’d warned me about the injuries, that it would be a long road to recovery. But I’d be there every step of the way. I’d make her forget all about why she’d left me in the first place.

  Days later, when she finally woke up and didn’t remember me at all, I couldn’t decide if it was a blessing or a curse. Not remembering was the worst-case scenario, of course, but it also meant that she was still mine—even if she had no memory of us as a couple.

  There was a good chance my plan could backfire, but if I could make her fall in love with me again, I thought it might not matter. I looked at it as a fresh start. This beautiful woman didn’t hate me anymore.

  Down the road, after she was discharged, I discovered it was Teddi who had made the changes in the system that I’d requested. I didn’t know that until much later. And, once we’d moved out of the emergency room, I hadn’t seen her again until she moved in across the street. Even then, I didn’t realize it was the same woman. But she remembered Meadow, and she was worried about her.

  Meadow hasn’t taken her eyes off me since I started speaking. I’m waiting for her to explode.

  “Are you stalking me, Teddi?” Meadow asks.

  Teddi stiffens next to me, and I squeeze her hand.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper.

  “No, Meadow. I don’t stalk people. I was just worried about you. The move was a complete coincidence.”

  “What could you have possibly told her to make her change my name, Cash?”

  Swallowing, I prepare myself to answer the question I’ve been dreading. I’m not proud of what I’ve done.

  I told Teddi that Meadow had been having an affair. I said that, if she didn’t change the name and protect Meadow, another man would come in here, and he could potentially hurt her.

  What I did was wrong. I knew it all along, but Meadow was my wife, and I didn’t want another man standing on the other side of her bed, waiting for her to wake up. And I wasn’t stupid. I was well aware that Meadow would choose him. She’d never get back with me.

  And then Meadow woke up and didn’t remember anyone. I told her we were married, which wasn’t a lie, and gave her back her ring. Then, once she was well enough, I took her home.

  At first, things were okay. She was open to hearing about our life. I had all the pictures to back up our relationship, and everything I told her was the truth.

  I truly believed the accident was our second chance—until the drinking started.

  Meadow slams her fist against the table, and we all jump. “You tried to take my life away from me and replace it with a different one. Do you realize how messed up that is, Cash?”

  “I know,” I tell her. “And I’m sorry.”

  “When were you going to tell me? Or weren’t you?”

  “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. I thought you’d eventually regain your memory, and after we worked through the split, we could pick up where we left off, minus all the bad stuff.”

  “And what if I remembered all the bad stuff? Or what if I wanted to stay broken up? Then, what?”

  “I dunno,” I whisper. “I guess I’d have dealt with that when the time came.”

  “You’d have lied some more,” she says as tears roll down her cheeks.

  I know the answer is yes. I’d have made up more lies to cover the ones I’d already told. There was no way out once I’d dug a hole that deep. I’d have just had to keep digging.

  Meadow looks at Teddi and laughs. “I’ve been so damn confused about you, Teddi. All the watching and following creeped me out. I wish you’d just told me that you knew who I was. Maybe then I wouldn’t have tried so hard to run from you. I might have even asked you for help.”

  “I’m sorry,” Teddi tells her. “I had so much guilt for reasons I didn’t understand. When I changed the information, I thought I was protecting you. And, once I knew you were in danger, I couldn’t let go.”

  “And yet you still fell for my husband. Were you after him all along?”

  “No. It wasn’t like that, Meadow.”

  Meadow rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. She’s still crying, doing her best to hold it together when she wants to climb across the table and strangle us.

  “How was I supposed to get better with the two of you pulling strings like I was your puppet?”

  “We’re sorry,” I tell her. “All we want is for you to be happy.”

  Meadow glances at Nolan and smiles. It’s not flirtatious or anything like that. It’s a sad little curve of her lips, like she’s reminiscing about the life they could have had all along.

  When she looks back at me, her eyes pierce right through my heart. “Nothing could make me forget Nolan. Not a brain injury, memory loss, or you.”

  Meadow’s words sting like hell. My chest constricts, and I’m on the verge of losing it myself. But I have to hold it together for both me and Teddi.

  “You bastard,” Nolan says as he stands up, flipping his chair backward, denting the wall.

  Ms. Lucia tries to stop him, and Teddi even stands on her chair to help, but there’s no slowing down a grown man when he’s as pissed as Nolan is.

  I do nothing to stop him. I just stand still with my arms by my sides, letting him sucker-punch me in the face this time. I deserve it, especially after everything I’ve done.

  The bruises will heal.

  But Meadow’s pain is forever.

  Teddi grabs our things and pulls me toward the door. She’s in the hallway, begging me to follow, but I turn around one last time. Because I know, the next time I see Meadow, we’ll be in court, getting a divorce.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “So fucking sorry.”

 
epilogue

  MEADOW

  SIX MONTHS LATER

  “Something came for you today,” Nolan says as he holds a white envelope in the air.

  I’m not expecting mail, especially not on move-out day, so I’m not quite sure what it is.

  His expression isn’t one of worry, so I tear it open and unfold the paper.

  “Oh my God, Nolan. They’ve accepted me.”

  “Of course they did,” he says.

  I thought I’d have to ditch my nursing career altogether and find something else. But, once I left the center and was transferred to a sober living house, Nolan and Mimi encouraged me to apply to school again so that I could regain my license.

  “You can still take a different path if you want.”

  “No,” I tell him without another thought. “Being a nurse is the only job I’ve ever wanted.”

  He pulls me backward, so I’m leaning against his chest, and as I keep reading, I realize that I won’t be jumping right into school.

  “They’re letting me take an exam before I begin. To see if I can test out of any classes.”

  “See, it won’t be nearly as bad as you think. You’ll have your license in no time. I’ll even help you study.”

  “It’s not definite though. If I fail my testing, I won’t be considered for the program. I won’t get a job in a hospital, and then I’ll have to start from scratch.”

  “There’s no way you’ll blow it, Meadow. You want it too bad for that to happen. You’ve worked too hard to get your life back.”

  We’ve stayed up so many nights, talking about our dreams and how it’s taken us both longer than normal to find them. Mostly because we were derailed by vices and circumstances out of our control. We weren’t sure we’d ever find our way back to one another. And, now that we have, we’re holding on extra tight.

  Nolan turns me around, so he can look me in the eye as he says, “You’ve been through rehab. You’ve completed your stay in sober living. Every roadblock has been removed from your life, and you’re free to go after whatever you want.”