All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  “You can’t go there and just take him away. You can be accused of doing the same as we’ve accused Juan. We are here. We are watching them. For now, Desiree, this is all we have. We will get to the bottom of this if the boy is Iain. I promise.”

  I didn’t answer. In my mind I knew he was right. My heart.

  The evenings we spent walking on the banks of the Danube River. It was wonderful in the setting sun and reminded me a little of my days by the River Thames. Lately a lot of things had started to remind me of my old life, the one that I liked; the one that I had left behind.

  On Friday evening we arrived back at the hotel very late. Harry sat behind the computer and I was sure that he was nagging poor Irene. It was Friday night and he was immersed in business. That was how he dealt with the problem.

  As he was so deep in conversation with someone on the other side of the computer screen, and I had nothing to do, that I went to bed. Sleep was restless. I woke up several times during the night but was not able to remember any of my dreams. It was very disturbing.

  The next morning when I woke up, Harry was all ready to go out again. When he saw me, he stopped.

  “What happened to you?”

  “Don’t ask.”

  “Nightmares?”

  I shook my head.

  “Can’t remember. When did you go to bed?”

  “At three,” he answered.

  I looked him up and down. There was no sign that he’d slept for only four hours. He was all dressed up and ready for another sporting event. Looking outside, I saw the sun shining high and bright in the sky.

  “You slept…?” I didn’t finish the question.

  “Four hours. It’s enough.”

  “Have you ever been to the doctor because of this?” I asked him, but got no reply. We had similar conversations every few months. Harry did suffer from insomnia but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. And that was something I worried about.

  “I’ll be right with you,” I said and closed the bathroom door behind me.

  The image I saw in the mirror was really a poor one. I knew another day was ahead of me and was completely sure that this would be the day I would somehow get closer to the Crest team or at least to Lorcan—I wanted to look my best. I wanted to be close to the boy, to see for myself if the lead was right one.

  It took me only half an hour to shower, dress and apply my makeup; yet when I came out of the bathroom, I was alone. Only a note on the coffee table was waiting for me. Harry had already left for a business meeting.

  His note forgot to mention that he’d taken both of our tickets with him. I didn’t realise it myself until I had searched for mine everywhere—it was nowhere to be found. So Harry wanted to be alone with Crest and the rest of the team. What he didn’t realise was how much he was pissing me off.

  I had nothing else to do, other than to turn on the television and surf through the channels. It was Saturday morning and I was pacing the room. Although I tried to reach Harry by phone constantly, he was unreachable.

  Becoming hungry, I called room service. Although the meal was tasty, I had no idea what it was and basically I played with it, not really eating. It didn’t improve my mood much. As there was really nothing for me to do, I fell asleep on the sofa. A knock on the door woke me up.

  “Just a minute, please!” I yelled, afraid the person might walk away before I got a chance to answer. I was sure Harry was sending me a note, letting me know he was waiting for me in the lobby to join him for the Saturday qualifying. Man, was I mistaken.

  Instead, there behind the door stood a hotel bellboy and the message he had for me was not from Harry. I was given a large white envelope with a silver ‘C’ on it. I knew who it was from.

  I gave the boy his tip and closed the door. My fingers trembled when I carefully opened the letter; I didn’t want to tear it apart. It was so simple, yet so beautiful. Sitting back down on the sofa, I reached in the envelope and took out a white sheet of paper. It was a personal invitation for the evening charity ball at the Crystal Hotel.

  The invitation was engraved with the same initial on the right corner as on the envelope and it was for both Harry and me. I had read about the ball a long time ago, but never thought I would ever attend. But I didn’t understand why this invitation had not been handed to Harry personally.

  Looking at the clock, I jumped up. It was already three in the afternoon and I had only three hours to get ready. The qualifying was already over. That invitation was the perfect revenge. Harry had left me in the hotel, but now I had a more powerful weapon in my hands. I would get closer and see for myself what was actually going on. This was my chance.

  Dialling the front desk I was lucky that there were appointments available in the spa. Before leaving the room, I put the invitation back in the envelope and hid it under the cushion on the sofa. I wanted to be one step ahead of Harry.

  In the spa I chatted casually to the staff and I told them what I was getting ready for. They immediately ordered their seamstress to check the dress I said I was planning to wear. It was the one I had bought with the help of Anne-Marie in Cannes, the only one that I had taken with me: black with a touch of green.

  I was not quite sure why I’d packed it, but luckily it hung in the closet. The seamstress told me that she had ironed it and it was now waiting for me.

  I had a complete treatment; bath, massage, manicure, pedicure, hairdresser … you name it, I did it. It was the first time I had decided to do something like this and it felt good.

  When I saw myself in the mirror once the ladies had left, I was more than satisfied. They’d earned their pay and the tip I gave them. Harry was unaware what waited for him.

  It was half past six in the evening when Harry finally came back. I stood at the windows, half hidden by the curtains. I was all dressed up and ready to go. Standing in the evening shadow with the setting sun behind me, Harry didn’t see me; all he saw was my silhouette. I had the envelope in my hands.

  “Hi, Sis,” he greeted me.

  “You came back.”

  “Give me five minutes, I’ll be with you and we’ll go out for some dinner.” He still didn’t look at me properly—just headed straight to his room. Before he reached the door, I said,

  “Perhaps you will. If you’re not ready in half an hour I’m leaving without you.”

  He turned around and stood still.

  “My God, Desiree. You look … What is.? … Where are you…?”

  “Are you planning to finish at least one question?” I asked wryly.

  “You’re angry with me,” he said. I looked at him calmly.

  “You think? Why would I be angry with you, Harry? Any particular reason?”

  “Alright, Desiree. I get it. I shouldn’t have left you here. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not enough.” I knew that yelling at him wouldn’t get me anywhere. “The clock is ticking. You have exactly twenty-five minutes to get ready, otherwise I’m going alone.” He started to move towards me but I stopped him with my raised hand.

  “No. You go and get ready; I’ll tell you all that you need to know on the way there.”

  “Where the hell did you get a tux? I didn’t bring it with me,” he called from his room.

  I sat down on the sofa.

  “You wouldn’t believe it, but in Hungary you can get a lot of things.”

  “You’re being sarcastic,” he stated. “I’m not used to that.” I smiled a little. Before I could answer. he spoke again.

  “Yes, I know. I‘ve taught you well.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  Soon Harry’s deadline to get ready passed, and I went to the front door of the suite, opened it and quickly closed it hard with a bang. He ran into the living room. When he saw me standing by the door, he sighed.

  “You’re still here,” he said.

  “Yes, I am. I’m giving you one last chance. I’m not sneaking out.”

  “Like me you mean?”

  “Like you,” I nodde
d. “Are you ready?”

  “I’m ready,” he came closer. “Where are we going?” I opened the door and stepped outside. Only when the door was closed did I show him the envelope. His eyes widened when he saw what I had in my hands.

  “No! We’re not going.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Really?” I said, and went to the stairs. We were on the second floor and I didn’t mind taking the stairs. I didn’t want to be alone with him before getting into the car. I also knew Harry. He wouldn’t want to make a scene in public. That was my advantage.

  He had to run after me.

  “Do you know what this is?”

  He grabbed my arm. I smiled at the elderly couple coming up the stairs.

  “Yes I do: a personal invitation to The Crest Racing Team Charity Ball. This year they’re having it in Hungary. Isn’t that a surprise?” He tried to snatch the envelope from my hands, after the couple had passed us.

  Before reaching the lobby, I let him take the envelope from me. I saw his smile and his grip on my hand became stronger. He tried to pull me to the open elevator. I managed to slip under his fingers and continued on my way to the exit.

  I smiled with all my heart. Turning around, I faced him.

  “You can have the envelope. I have the invitation. Now, will you join me or not?”

  Everybody looked at him. They were not sure what was going on, but they did know that he’d lost some sort of battle. And so did Harry who hated no longer having control. Without saying anything, he joined me.

  “I called the driver,” I said and took his offered arm. He looked at me in astonishment.

  “Why didn’t he tell me?” he asked in surprise. I didn’t answer.

  He escorted me to the waiting car parked at the entrance of the hotel, and the driver opened the door. We got in and soon we were travelling through Budapest. Sitting next to me, Harry poured himself a glass of brandy and I gave the address to the driver. Like a few days before in Monaco, he was all politeness here, too. I really wondered how much Harry paid the man.

  Leaning back, Harry raised his glass in a toast.

  “This is payback?” he asked me. Although I rarely drank brandy I poured some into a crystal glass. I looked calm, but inside I was a wreck. I didn’t know what to expect. I’d managed to conquer only one barrier … I was not sure how successful I would be with the other … meeting Lorcan again. I’d left him and broken the promise to wait for him the next day. I hadn’t run away but it had to look like that to Lorcan. I had my reasons, but.

  “Are you sure you want to drink this?” Harry asked. I looked at him and drank the drink in one gulp. It burned my throat, but I managed to hold back the cough that threatened.

  “Yes,” I finally said.

  “How did you get the invitation?”

  He was curious.

  “It was brought to me this afternoon. Anything else you’d like to know? Oh, we’re here already,”

  The limo had stopped in front of the magnificent hotel. The 19th Century Crystal Hotel was beautiful, one of the jewels of Budapest. Before I managed to open the door, the driver was already at my side opening it for me. He helped me out.

  I waited for Harry and as he offered me his hand; I held his arm. I appreciated the gesture as my legs were a little wobbly. I quickly realised that the brandy I’d drunk in one gulp was a little bit too much for me.

  When I showed the invitation to the event manager, we were escorted to the big ballroom. Everything there was white with silver accessories: from flower baskets to the table decorations. Everything. We were offered a drink and I took a glass. I felt Harry’s eyes on me.

  I remembered why I was there : I wanted to see Lorcan again. I needed to know who the boy that had accompanied him two days ago was. I knew I was on dangerous ground, but the not knowing was more dangerous for my restless mind.

  Suddenly we were amongst glamorous people I’d only ever seen on television or read about in the newspapers. Anyone who was someone, in or out of the Formula 1 circuit was there. The Crest Race Team Charity Ball was the celebrity event not to be missed.

  “Are you ready to open your wallet?” I whispered to Harry.

  Soon I was introduced to men who quickly apologised for the fact that they would probably talk about cars all evening. Harry tried to explain to them that I was just as much a Formula 1 enthusiast as he was, but I just smiled. I was glad that Harry was distracted by the other guests and I had a chance to be alone. I had my own plans and Harry was actually in my way.

  As soon as I was out of Harry’s sight, I swapped my glass of juice for one of champagne. I didn’t want Harry to see that. I needed courage. Slowly, I continued my walk between the tables to see where we were supposed to sit. Seeing the other guests many times on television, I felt I knew everybody and no one.

  I stopped when I saw our names on the main table. We were seated at the Crest Team’s table. Somehow, I was not surprised to see Lorcan’s name next to my own. I emptied the glass and changed it for another.

  My nerves were a mess. The other guests were gathering and the charity auction was scheduled before dinner. I started to wonder if I’d made the right choice coming here. I wasn’t sure anymore. Before I realised, the glass was empty again and I replaced it with a new one.

  When I turned around, I saw that Harry was still surrounded by men. I decided to join him, but I stopped walking when I saw Lorcan entering the ballroom. I had to steady myself on the back of the nearest chair.

  He stood out in his black suit and tie being taller than most of the men in the room. As before, what I noticed most were his sparkling silver eyes. But I was surprised to notice that those eyes were watching the people around him with boredom. Slowly he moved forward and stopped abruptly when our eyes met. He was surprised to see me there; I was sure about that.

  I felt Harry’s eyes on me and what I felt even more was his terror. It’d been a long time since I’d felt this, but the sensation was so strong that I was not able to do anything else but to turn around and walk away from Lorcan. I hoped to get lost in the crowd whilst people wanting to shake his hand and talk to him surrounded him.

  Finding a large vase of beautiful flowers, I hid behind it. I needed another glass of champagne and took one from the passing waiter. But I was not alone for long.

  “Will you explain to me what is going on?” I heard his voice. I didn’t see him as I was still standing behind the flower decoration. I sipped from the glass, not sure how many I’d actually had. I needed time to respond. Everything in my mind was blurred and mixed together; joy at seeing him again, fear I might do something that would jeopardise my search for my son … and I wasn’t sure if the reason was all the alcohol I had already drunk, or if it was his presence.

  “I was told that this was a charity ball.” Those were the first words I could think of. He came around the flowers and looked me straight in the eyes.

  “Why did you run?” I was not prepared for that kind of question. I wanted to fight with him. He was serious and his eyes were calm.

  “I didn’t run. Harry called me back to Paris. I thought he told you.”

  “Why didn’t you wait for me?” he asked. “You promised.” I was saved from answering by the sound of men approaching.

  “Here you are!” It was Harry. I stepped around Lorcan. Harry was not alone. The owner of Crest Racing Team stood beside him.

  “Here I am,” I answered Harry.

  The elderly man smiled at me.

  “Now I understand why Lorcan almost crashed his car in Monaco. Let me introduce myself. My name is…”

  “Daniel Crest,” I interrupted him quite impolitely. “I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I didn’t want to interrupt you, but I must thank you for the invitation.”

  The man turned to Harry, smiling.

  “Formula 1 fan? Is that your influence?” Harry smiled back, but before he could answer, Lorcan interrupted.

  “Don’t get into a debate about Formula 1 with
her. You won’t win, I can guarantee it.”

  When I looked into his eyes I knew what he was talking about; our first encounter, where we almost crashed on Grand Corniche and where I had spat on his ability to drive.

  “I was told that, yes,” Daniel Crest said. “Anyway, I’m always open to new suggestions. Can I escort you to our table?” He offered me his elbow and I took it. Both Lorcan and Harry had no other choice but to follow us.

  There were nine men already at the table and Daniel introduced us to them. They were all the key team members: Team Principal Mick Coldberg, Trackside Operation Director Jonathan Riverside and several other titles and names I couldn’t remember.

  Although I was seated between Harry and Lorcan, Daniel switched places with Harry. When we were all seated, I spotted three empty chairs on the opposite side of the big dining table.

  Daniel saw my expression and explained that they belonged to the two test drivers and the other team driver, Carlos Souza, the young man who had just entered Formula 1 for his first season.

  “They are all young,” Daniel smiled at me. “They need to…”

  “The night before the race?” I interrupted him. He smiled a broad smile and Lorcan joined him.

  “Yes, actually. They need to sleep longer than we do, right?” he looked around the table at the men who sat around. I felt embarrassed. That was not what I meant and everyone knew. I took my glass of champagne again and drank its contents. I tried to relax but couldn’t.

  “I need to apologise that my wife couldn’t be here this evening. She went back home with our grandson, Daniel.” My eyes widened as I heard those words. I searched Harry’s face slowly and saw the fear in his eyes again.

  “Your grandson?” I heard myself asking in a croaky voice, but Crest hadn’t heard me as he had been approached by the event manager and was deep in conversation.

  “Excuse me,” he apologised to everybody at the table and went after her. The event was beginning to start and there was no time for small talk.