All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  There were many different items in the auction. Small ones like key rings, pens, flash drives, I-pods, I-pads, etcetera … with the Crest team tags on them, which were not that small after all as they were made from different precious metals. The main auction item every year was the most desirable one – a drive with the Formula 1 Champion in an annual ‘race’ with an Aston Martin Vantage over the one of Europe’s mountain roads – this year it was Passo dello Stelvio in Italy.

  Bidding was high and I wondered what Harry would do. He had remained fairly quiet during the auctioning of the jewellery items. He bid a little but left the winning to the others. I was watching him and was not sure if he realised that he had to buy something.

  When the auction was almost at its end, the last item still remained, the race with the Aston Martin Vantage against Lorcan Shore. I took a sharp intake of the breath when I heard Harry bid the highest price.

  Everyone looked at him when the auction was over. No one had wanted to beat his bidding; fifty thousand Euros! I’d never seen him spend money like that. He was a careful man with money; he’d learned the hard way that it didn’t grow on trees.

  When the crowd stopped applauding and everyone had calmed down, dinner was served.

  Daniel Crest joined us and congratulated Harry.

  “It looks like it will be me and you?” said Lorcan. Harry only smiled.

  “Perhaps. We will see.” No one understood him. Not even me, but I’d had enough of this farce. Harry and I both knew why I wanted to attend this dinner – to see the blonde boy again. But I had been robbed of this opportunity. I’d had enough of pretending to be fine. As I stood up, all the men stood up too. I was a little intimidated by their reaction. Finally, I managed to smile.

  “Excuse me. I need to find the ladies’ room.” As I was getting up, I saw that Harry wanted to say something to me, but I just shook my head. I really didn’t want him following me out to the ladies. And besides, it would have seemed very strange. Halfway out of the ballroom, I stopped the waiter and asked him for directions.

  I was relieved to be alone. For the last two hours it had been difficult to act normally. But before I managed to get out of the ballroom, Lorcan was after me. He took my arm and led me away from where I was heading. My legs just didn’t allow me to fight him. I’d had too much to drink in a short period of time and with no proper food inside me.

  “Why are you running away from me?” he asked me when he finally stopped on the other side of the hotel ballroom.

  “I’m not. I just wanted to refresh myself a little,” I answered him. And that was the truth. I needed some cold water on my face.

  “But…” he started. I interrupted him.

  “The boy yesterday…” I let the words hang in the air. I saw the confusion on his face. This was not what he wanted to talk to me about.

  “What are you talking about? Daniel’s grandson?”

  I smiled:

  “Oh, yes. Crest said so. It’s his grandson.”

  “As far as I know. The child’s not mine.”

  “I didn’t ask you that.” He stepped away from me. His hand running through his hair was an indication that he felt uncertain about the situation.

  “Can we talk somewhere else?” Lorcan asked finally.

  At that moment another waiter came by and I took yet another glass from his tray. Lorcan refused the offer of a drink and waved the waiter away. Suddenly I saw them all. Many pairs of eyes were watching us, including those of Harry and Crest.

  “Why?” I asked him. I was stalling because my legs were wobbling. I was not sure if I would be able to walk properly. Before I got an answer, Harry came over to us.

  Lorcan looked at him and sighed.

  “It looks like I never choose the right time to talk to you, Desiree.”

  “Desiree?” Harry raised his eyebrow. I looked at my brother and drank the champagne.

  “Do you really want me to talk to him, Harry?” He understood me. He knew how to read between the lines. It was written all over my face; I wasn’t able to hide it anymore.

  “Please, be reasonable,” Harry pleaded.

  “Reasonable?” I rolled my eyes and looked for somewhere to put the empty glass. I knew very well what Harry’s begging look meant. I wanted to assure him that everything would be fine, but my mind was too clouded because of all the champagne I’d drunk.

  “Fine! Have it your way. We will talk,” I said quietly but sharply.

  Lorcan interrupted our verbal battle.

  “Not here.”

  Harry took that as a warning. He turned and left. I put another empty glass down. My head started to spin. I looked at my brother and felt sorry for him. All I did was cause him trouble. He didn’t deserve it.

  Lorcan tried to take my hand, but I pulled it back.

  “Desiree, please. Let’s go.” I saw pleading in his eyes.

  “Where?”

  “Somewhere private. Everybody is staring at us. We don’t need to do this in public.”

  “Fine,” I agreed and at the same time I questioned whether my legs would obey me. Lorcan stepped aside and gave me space to walk out of the ballroom.

  The first few steps were tricky. I needed to concentrate hard to walk out in a straight line. I straightened my shoulders and walked firmly in front of Lorcan who followed me one step behind. No one stopped us, but I felt their eyes on my back.

  A stairway led down to the hotel lobby. I’d completely forgotten about the stairs and, thankfully, the metal handrail looked firm. I held onto it to steady myself. Walking on the thick rug outside the ballroom had been hard enough. I was not sure how I would manage those stairs. I finally realised I’d really overdone it with the drinking.

  Lorcan was still a step behind. I figured he didn’t miss my struggling.

  “Can I help you?” he asked quietly.

  “No need,” I answered in defiance. At the same time, I missed the last stair and lost my balance.

  Lorcan instinctively moved forward to grab hold of my left hand before I fell down in front of everyone. When he was sure I was standing firmly on my own two feet, he let me go.

  My face reddened. To hide my embarrassment I lowered my head. I didn’t want to see his face. Without saying another word, he took my hand and led me out of the hotel as if nothing had happened. I was grateful for that.

  The silver Mercedes was already waiting at the entrance. He opened the door and helped me in. We were both silent even though I didn’t know where he was taking me.

  Lorcan concentrated on the road. He didn’t say a word. I leaned back, closed my eyes and the calm, smooth driving soon sent me to sleep.

  Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard Lorcan talking, but I couldn’t answer him. My eyes were too heavy to open. I was actually slipping away.

  When I woke up I knew there would be hell to pay. My head hurt even before I opened my eyes. I slowly opened them and shut them immediately. It was piercingly bright.

  Finally, I managed to open my eyes slightly. The ceiling above me looked familiar, but it was not the one from my room. Slowly, I looked around me and the room was quite similar to my own in the hotel, but it was not mine. At that point I realised I was undressed and my dress from the night before was hanging over the armchair. All I had on were my panties and a white tee shirt way too big to be mine.

  It took most of my strength to get out of bed. Although I spotted my shoes by the bed, I stayed barefooted. While still feeling dizzy, the previous evening came back slowly to me. I started to count how many glasses of champagne I’d had, but it was just too much for me to remember.

  Looking around the room again, I tried to think where I was. How had I got here? Who’d undressed me? My eyes stopped on the bed I’d slept in. It was messy, but not only on the side where I slept, but on the other too.

  A name finally surfaced from my heavy head. Lorcan. I’d left the Crest Charity Ball with him. The next question that came to my mind was: Where the hell is Harry? Why did
n’t he come to get me? He knew who accompanied me when I left.

  Seeing myself in the mirror made me grimace. I tried to get my hair sorted at least, and I started to comb it with my hands but it was far too knotty. So I picked up a ribbon that I’d had in my hair the previous night and made myself a firm knot at the base of my neck. I felt a little better, but the taste in my mouth was awful and I was still unaware of where I was or what time it was.

  I could hear someone talking on the other side of the door: Harry and Lorcan. How much conversation I’d missed I didn’t know.

  “I don’t understand,” I heard Harry say. Lorcan answered him with a question.

  “What?”

  “I don’t understand how she fell asleep in the car. She drank two, maybe three glasses of champagne … Alright, there was that glass of brandy in the car…”

  “What? How much?”

  “She drank a glass of brandy in the car and those two glasses at the table…” Harry’s voice was a little broken. And then silence again. I wondered myself how much I’d drunk and was unable to recollect, but was pretty sure I drank a lot more than Harry said. The painful throbbing in my head was proof of that.

  “From the moment I arrived, she drank at least six glasses of champagne. How much she had drunk before—I’m not sure. The last one…”

  “What did you say?”

  I could just imagine the astonished expression on Harry’s face. I sighed. The men didn’t know I was awake or that I was listening to their conversation.

  “You heard me. It looks like she’s not accustomed to heavy drinking. So what made her drink?” Lorcan’s voice was calm.

  Silence again. I started to wonder if Harry would tell him what was going on in our life to make me behave the way I did. So much was going on, not least Lorcan Shore!

  “I’m not the one to tell you. She’ll have to tell you herself. If she wants to.” I had a hard job hearing Harry’s quietly spoken voice. “What I think is … and don’t misunderstand me … but getting involved with you doesn’t help her at all. We’ll solve her problems alone.”

  I realised we were on a slippery slope. I had to stop myself from entering the sitting room.

  “What problems?” The tone of Lorcan’s voice changed. I didn’t like it. No one liked to hear that someone had problems.

  “You didn’t talk?”

  “I told you, she fell asleep the minute we sat in the car.”

  “I can’t tell you.” Harry was firm.

  “So, what will we do now?” Lorcan backed down.

  “We’re on the second floor. When she wakes up, send her back to me.”

  It was time to face the world. Well, at least Lorcan. I quickly changed the Tee shirt for my dress.

  The room I entered was in darkness. The curtains were half drawn, so that the setting sun was unable to send its last rays into the room. I was glad. My head was still throbbing.

  I found Lorcan sitting in an armchair facing the bedroom door. His eyes were sparkling. I stopped in the middle of the room.

  “Hi,” Lorcan said and stood up. I nodded curtly.

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?” he asked. I stepped away from him.

  “For not judging me,” I answered simply. Turning away from him, I saw a trophy on the cupboard.

  “You won?” I asked. I didn’t dare look at him.

  “No. I was third. Carlos and Ron Wilde were faster.” He didn’t sound disappointed.

  “How come?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened the night before. The trophy was a perfect distraction.

  “There was something wrong with the tyres and also the team in the paddock had problems with the equipment. Nothing went as it should.” I turned around and looked at him. By the look on his face, I was sure he hadn’t told me the whole truth and, somehow, I was thankful for it.

  “I’m sorry I missed the race.”

  That was the truth. I came so far and overslept? I had only myself to blame.

  Suddenly I felt dizzy. Just as I was about to fall to the floor, Lorcan was by my side, ready to save me.

  “You’re not well. Let me help you.” He helped me to the nearest sofa and laid me there. There was a knock on the door and the room was filled with the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

  “Here you go,” he brought me a large cup of coffee. “Sugar? Milk?” I shook my head slowly.

  “Nothing. I drink it black,” I said quietly. Taking the cup from his hands, I was careful not to touch him. I knew myself too well.

  When he sat down, I looked at him.

  “Finally,” he said, smiling.

  “What?”

  “You looked at me.” I took another sip of the black coffee. It helped clear my mind.

  “What happened yesterday?”

  “You fell asleep in my car. I had to carry you to the room.”

  “My God,” I moaned and the cup clattered on the saucer. Suddenly it felt as if the clock had stopped ticking.

  “What’s wrong, Desiree?”

  “I don’t understand.” A shooting pain through my head almost took my breath away.

  “Wait a minute. I’ll get you an aspirin.” He stood up quickly and was already halfway to the bathroom when I finally managed to get my thoughts back under control.

  “No. I don’t take pills. Not unless my life depends on them. It will pass. I need to get back to Harry…”

  Harry’s greeting was somewhere between cold and happy to see me. Sensing such a mixture of different feelings was not something I wanted to deal with. He stepped away from the door so that I could enter the suite.

  Lorcan had escorted me back; he wasn’t convinced I would manage on my own.

  “So, she finally woke up?” Harry asked him. I turned around quickly and at the same time realised it was not the wisest thing to do. Harry was acting as if I weren’t in the room.

  “Yes I did and I’d ask you not to speak about it. My head hurts and I won’t listen to your lectures.” I went to my room. I needed to freshen up and to clean my teeth.

  Coming back to the living room I felt much better than before. Realising Harry was alone I wondered why I hadn’t heard Lorcan leaving. I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes.

  “Are we leaving tonight?” I asked him.

  “No,” was the answer I got. “Here you go.” Opening my eyes slowly, I saw a large glass of juice.

  “It’s grapefruit,” Harry said. “It will help you clear your mind.” I stood up and took the glass from his hands. I drank it in one gulp. He was right. The grapefruit was good for my sensitive stomach.

  “Are you ready to eat?” Hearing that question alone made me want to throw up. I shook my head.

  “Don’t mention food to me,” I pleaded.

  “Did you…” I raised my hand.

  “No, I didn’t vomit if that’s what concerns you.” Harry came closer and sat next to me. I put my head into his lap. He started to caress my hair, the same way as he had in the past when I was a little girl and he was all that was left of my family; my solid, granite rock. I almost fell asleep.

  After a while I heard him speak again.

  “You missed a lot.”

  “Like what?” I murmured without opening my eyes.

  “Lorcan was third.”

  “I know. I saw the trophy.”

  We were both silent after that and he continued caressing my hair, trying to calm me down. I was thankful he didn’t give me any lectures. I was really not prepared to listen to them.

  Suddenly I realised that was not all that Harry wanted to tell me. I opened my eyes.

  “Harry … what did I miss?”

  He spoke calmly, almost too calmly.

  “For a month we won’t be able to do anything.” I raised myself and leaned on the sofa. My eyes were big. His words sent a wave of mixed emotions through my body and my mind.

  “What do you mean?” I asked finally.

  “Next race is in Spa.” He let the wo
rds echo through the room. I was terrified.

  Each year there was almost a month’s break until the Belgium race started. My hands were tied. In this period of time there was no way to get closer to the boy, as Crest went back to his home in England. Silent tears started to slip down my cheeks.

  The following week back in Paris was a living hell—for me and for Harry, and I’d caused it. I was bored and, because of that. I thought too much.

  Harry went back to his office and I stayed there in the apartment with nothing to do. On Wednesday he came back home when I was already asleep. It killed me. He apologised, but there had been so much work that had piled up when we’d been away and he needed to make sure everything was as it should be.

  I knew that was not the main reason. The main reason he stayed so late in his office was me. I knew I had behaved in an impossible way but I just couldn’t help myself. When bored, I was a nagger. Harry tolerated me … long enough.

  “Where are you going?” I’d asked him on Thursday morning. I was coming out of my room and he was already at the door.

  “To the office—we have a conference.” Harry said.

  “Again?” My eyes were full of accusation. He came back to me and kissed my forehead.

  “I’m sorry I came home late yesterday…”

  “You’re sorry my ass, Harry. You’re avoiding me!” I snapped and went into the kitchen. He followed me.

  “Desiree, what can I do? Tell me. What? We can’t go…”

  “Really? We can’t?!” I turned around and faced him. “Why can’t we? We know Crest. We dined with the man…” That was when he finally exploded:

  “Because we can’t, Desiree! I know and understand you want to be sure about the boy, but James has no evidence the boy is your son!”

  We were both silent for some moments. Finally his eyes met mine again.

  “You stay here and I will be back from work at noon to take you to lunch. I love you, Sis.”

  When the doors closed on him, I’d realised I’ve gone too far.

  We needed a break—a break from each other. In the past three years we’d completely forgotten how to live together. We had our separate lives. The tension between us wasn’t helped by the fact that we were waiting for the next race, and waiting for even more information from Harry’s private detective. Our nerves were on edge.