All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  After a two hour drive I stopped in Hythe for a coffee. I constantly checked the rear view mirror and was reassured that I was not being followed by anyone.

  I stopped abruptly after leaving the coffee shop. There they were; both of them. Lorcan had parked his Mercedes behind my car, blocking it. Slowly, I approached them.

  “What are you doing?” Harry asked me as I stared at the hood of the car. I didn’t want to look at Lorcan, so I looked at Harry in silence. He shook his head.

  “I got your letter.”

  “Then why you are asking?” I said impatiently. Lorcan still didn’t move. He was leaning on the hood of my BMW.

  “Did you tell him?” The question surprised me.

  “Are you crazy? Of course not!”

  “You should have…” Harry said, but I shook my head vigorously.

  “I’m not going to.”

  Harry grabbed my hands and shook me hard.

  “Yes! You will! He has the right to know!” I was shocked. Harry never acted that way. No matter what happened he had never lost his temper. The tears I’d held back since I’d left the Crest estate started to run down my face.

  “Harry, stop it!” said Lorcan. I looked at him. Lorcan’s face paled for a second, like being in shock by what he’d witnessed. But in a split second his eyes got that stormy glow again. He was furious.

  “We agreed that you don’t meddle, Lorcan,” Harry responded but he let go of my arm.

  All the pain I’d nurtured inside me started to rise from the bottom of my heart and soul, and threatened to consume me. I thought I would go completely insane.

  I dried my eyes with my palms and finally looked at both men. They were still arguing.

  “Will you two please stop?” I said quietly. Turning back to Harry, I asked,

  “Are you sure?”

  He nodded.

  “Yes, otherwise he will find out in tomorrow’s newspapers.”

  “What do you mean?” Lorcan and I spoke in the same voice; but I knew. The press had dug up my past. It was my own fault.

  “Right,” I said slowly. “I’ll tell him.”

  Lorcan looked a little bit lost. He was completely unaware of the kind of mess he’d fallen into when he had met me. I felt sorry for him. Harry opened the passenger door and looked at Lorcan.

  “Now go. Sit down and talk. I’ll be waiting here for you.”

  Leaving Harry with Lorcan’s Mercedes by the coffee shop, Lorcan and I drove to Princes Parade. I parked near the beach path and we sat on the barrier. I wanted my story to be brief, but once I started to talk, I couldn’t stop.

  Lorcan was silent. He didn’t say a word or ask any questions and I was grateful for that. All he did was hold my hand. People were probably watching us, but my eyes were turned to the sea.

  After I was finished, he wanted to say something, but I put my hand over his mouth. I didn’t need any comforting words from him. No reassurance that everything would be all right. My soul felt lighter just from telling him what I’d kept in for so long.

  As he followed me back to the car, I hoped he might understand me.

  Harry had waited where he said he would. As soon as he saw us he got out of the car. I didn’t dare look at Lorcan. The day had been surreal—it was as if it had happened in a different dimension. But then again, my whole life was in turmoil. Why would one day be different from the rest?

  “I will wait for you in Paris, Harry,” I said to my brother. I saw the men exchange looks when I was seated behind the steering wheel.

  “Doing what?” Harry asked me. I turned the engine on and said with a voice full of sorrow,

  “Burying my son.”

  Coming back to the empty apartment made me cry all over again. Pictures from my short months with my son flashed before my eyes. It was remarkable and it was healing. I hadn’t let myself do this in years. I saw it all.

  I was redecorating a room in the apartment for the baby; buying everything a nursery needs: a crib, a changing table, rocking chair for me, a new wardrobe for too many clothes Harry and I had bought, and toys: so many toys. Harry even hired an artist to paint beautiful pictures on the walls of the room.

  I saw myself holding him after bringing him home into our apartment, feeding him, playing with him. Most of all, what I saw was his green eyes, my eyes, actually. I admitted that to myself—I had seen him every time I looked at myself in the mirror.

  I did what I needed to do to finally let go of my son. In my heart I started to prepare myself to say my final goodbyes.

  I sat at my desk all night writing a letter. I poured my heart out and it was all that I was able to do. All that I’d told Lorcan a few hours back on the beach in Hythe, I wrote down in the letter to my son. I knew he would never get it, but it was the only way that I could tell him.

  I walked to the Champ de Mars and after more than an hour of staring at the spot where Iain was taken from me, I released a helium balloon with the letter attached. That was it. That was my goodbye.

  When I returned to the apartment, all I could do was sleep. I was woken by Harry the next morning. He didn’t ask, and I didn’t tell him anything. I had closed that chapter of my life and was completely clueless as what to do next.

  That morning all we said was ‘good morning’ and, before he left for his office, he hugged me goodbye.

  The day was long and even though I had slept through the night, sleep took me again. I hadn’t eaten all day and that was fine.

  Soon after we sat down in our favourite restaurant, he realised that taking me out for dinner had not been such a good idea. I was subdued so he did all the talking. I’d learned the details of the business agreement he and Daniel Crest, or better, in Harry’s own words ‘The House of Dame and the Crest Formula 1 Racing Team’ had made.

  “That includes you too,” he continued, raising his glass of wine. I raised my head and looked at him.

  “What do you mean?” He drank what was left in the glass and, after putting it down, the waiter came and filled it again. Harry waited until he’d gone away and I knew he was stalling. Before he managed to take another bite of the food that was on our plates, I put my cutlery back on the table.

  “I asked you something.”

  Harry shrugged.

  “It was Crest’s demand.”

  “Crest or…” Harry looked at me.

  “I said Crest and I meant it. Lorcan was not in the meeting. Daniel is flying to Paris on Friday and by then the contract must be ready. He wants to sign the papers. Desiree, this is not a small thing. This will secure us a spot on the fashion map. This is it.”

  “So why don’t you just sponsor the team?” I asked.

  He looked angrily at me and put down his knife and fork.

  “Because we don’t need just advertising. Didn’t you listen?” he hissed. I stayed silent. I realised I was upsetting Harry for no apparent reason. He was watching me carefully. After some moments he pushed his plate away and drank his wine.

  The sight of an empty glass on the table brought the waiter back. Before he’d managed to refill the glass, Harry stopped him and asked for the bill. We waited for it in silence.

  After we said good night, I asked Harry something that had been bothering me.

  “You said we both own the House of Dame.”

  Harry looked at me.

  “Yes, it’s official since you turned twenty-one.”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “That makes me involved already. Why are you panicking?”

  He watched me closely. Somehow I knew that this did not bring any comfort to him.

  “It’s not just your signature on the papers. Actually we don’t even need your signature…”

  “I realise that.” I was calm. I knew the lightning would strike soon enough.

  “You will learn what your involvement will be, on Friday. Crest will explain.”

  Harry turned and went into his workroom.

  When he closed the door, I went into kitchen.
I opened the wine cabinet and took out a bottle and, with a wine glass, returned to my room. I knew I needed it.

  Friday came and Harry insisted that I went with him to the office. I followed him grumpily and sat in the corner until all the papers were ready and Harry was pleased with them. He offered them to me to read but I shook my head. If he was pleased with them, then I had nothing to say. He was the heart and soul of the company; I was … actually I was nothing.

  At ten o’clock sharp, Irene announced that Daniel Crest had arrived. When he came in, he greeted my brother like a long lost son … well, not exactly; more like a long lost friend. I thought that the pointless conversation they started would never end, and I watched and waited.

  Daniel was seated when he spotted me sitting in the back corner on the sofa. He immediately got up and came to me.

  I stood up out of courtesy and offered him my hand but he hugged me instead. I was watching Harry, as I didn’t quite know what to think.

  “I hope your friend feels better?” he asked me and sat beside me on the sofa. I was still looking at Harry but he shook his head. I knew he hadn’t told Daniel the real reason why I’d left. This must be the excuse he had given.

  “Yes, she does,” I slowly replied, dragging the words out of my mouth.

  “She?” he asked with surprise. I nodded.

  “Yes. Anne-Marie is…” I answered but I was watching my brother. He took the contract from his table and joined us on the other side of the office. He turned one of the armchairs to face us and sat down.

  I knew Daniel Crest wanted to ask more questions but, luckily for me, Irene entered the office with a tray of coffee. I was so glad that she did, and at the same time angry with Harry that he had left me in the dark.

  Irene hadn’t even managed to close the door behind her before Harry offered Daniel one of the contracts. He took it.

  “Is everything as we agreed?” Daniel asked Harry.

  “This is the printed version of what you have already approved, but by all means … read it.”

  Daniel leaned back on the sofa.

  “Don’t get me wrong, but I will.”

  “I don’t expect anything less.”

  I drank my cup of coffee, stood up and went to the large window. The silence in the office was broken only by the rustling of turning pages.

  Several minutes later, Daniel Crest put the file containing the contract down. I was watching the men in the reflection of the glass.

  “It’s just like you said,” said Daniel.

  My brother nodded.

  “Shall we sign it?”

  Daniel took a pen out of his suit pocket and flipped the pages again, until he found the last one. The pen had almost touched the paper when Harry spoke.

  “Everything is written as I said, but not everything is agreed.”

  Turning around, I saw Crest lift his gaze from the contract and the pen he was holding to sign it. Both men were watching each other until Crest spoke again.

  “You haven’t told her.”

  It was more a statement than a question. Harry shook his head.

  “That’s your job. We agreed on that.” Crest sighed and looked at me. He motioned for me to sit down beside him on the sofa and I was not sure if doing that would be the sane thing to do. The cup in my hand was empty.

  They were both waiting for me to come closer. I had no option, so I joined them again. I refilled my cup with coffee and sat back down.

  “Will someone finally tell me what kind of role you have in mind for me?”

  Both men exchanged looks again and sighed almost at the same time.

  That Friday, I returned to Nice. September was coming and Paris was not my favourite place in the autumn. I needed the Mediterranean sun and I knew it was waiting for me on the coast.

  I had not yet left Paris when my phone rang. I didn’t check who was calling but instead I just barked into the phone.

  “Sign that damn thing. I’ll do what you two asked me to do.” Without saying goodbye, I threw the phone back into my handbag and drove without making stopping along the way. I was in Nice by the evening, catching the setting sun. Strangely, it felt almost like coming home. Almost.

  The next morning the sound of movement inside the house woke me. Coming downstairs, I saw Anne-Marie had already prepared breakfast and was waiting on the back terrace. She hugged me, as we hadn’t seen each other for a long time.

  She chatted and filled me in on what was happening with her life. The divorce proceedings were almost at an end and she was actually blossoming. I just couldn’t believe the change I saw in her and felt great happiness for her.

  I let her speak until I finished eating and, afterwards, she took the dishes, threw me a kiss and shouted over her shoulder as she left.

  “I’m coming back in the afternoon. Philippe is coming to get the boys for the next week.”

  She smiled at me when she reached the corner.

  “Then I’ll listen to your news as patiently as you did mine.” And she was gone.

  Before she came back, Harry called twice, but I didn’t answer. I needed peace to think things through. I wasn’t sure why they’d decided that all the documents between the men would be printed and carried from one side to another. I had been chosen as a ‘delivery boy;’ the ‘go-between.’

  When the phone rang for the third time, I answered.

  “This is important, Desiree,” Harry started without a greeting. All I could do was sigh.

  “Yes, you told me, but I still don’t understand. We have e-mails and a number of courier companies who could deliver the papers. Why me?”

  “Because you need something to do.”

  “But…” I started. He interrupted me.

  “We both know you won’t return to the Jasmine.” It was true. “All you will have to do is to deliver some papers to Crest and back to me – or the other way around. That’s all.”

  “Why? Have you thought about the costs? E-mails are free. You can send a courier wherever Crest travels,” I said. There was silence on the other end. Harry had no answer.

  “Don’t worry about that aspect of the business. I have a feeling…” The line was broken. I looked at the screen—the battery was empty.

  Staying in Nice for the next two weeks was somewhat relaxing. August came to an end and the Belgium Grand Prix Race at Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps was something worth watching, even though it was Belgium. That weekend it was raining there again. It was almost the same every year. The Grand Prix in Belgium without the rain was something almost unimaginable for me.

  The race itself was intense. There was unexpected overtaking, some minor crashes, withdrawals because of tyres and car failures. It was a very interesting two hours spent in front of the television. The only thing that didn’t change was Lorcan’s success. He was in his element again.

  Anne-Marie left me alone that last August Sunday afternoon, but she was on my back porch as soon as the press conference was over. She took me for a walk on the beach without giving me the opportunity of complaining or refusing her offer.

  I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I let her speak. The boys were with their father again before school started and she had almost all the time in the world. The dogs were running around us and we threw them sticks.

  Finally, she spoke.

  “Your story was in the newspapers.” I remained silent. She knew the truth, that’s why she wasn’t surprised.

  I threw the stick for the dogs a couple more times before finally asking, “When?”

  “Before you came back.” She replied. I nodded. Harry had warned me it would be in all the newspapers, but it looked like he had managed to hide all of them from me. And I was just so overwhelmed those days after coming back to Paris that I forgot about it.

  “I know,” I finally said. “Harry told me they found out who I am and what skeletons I’m hiding in my closet.”

  She was surprised to see me so calm.

  “I don’t understand,” sh
e said. “You don’t mind?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I picked up another stick one of the dogs had brought back and threw it as far as I could.

  “I said my goodbye to Iain, Anne-Marie. I need to…” I was left without words. Actually I didn’t know what I needed. She understood.

  “So that was the balloon thing then?” she asked.

  I looked at her with surprise.

  “You released a balloon in Paris,” she explained.

  “How do you know about it?”

  She smiled.

  “It was in the papers the day after the story about your past.”

  I nodded in silence.

  “They didn’t say what that was about.” She put her arm through mine and we continued walking. Barking dogs and crying seagulls were all that accompanied us along the beach. She didn’t disturb my peace anymore.

  Another week passed and I helped Anne-Marie in the last days before her boys needed to go back to school. It looked like she’d decided to involve me in as many activities as possible. It was fun and I enjoyed it.

  Michelle and Lucille visited me several times. We spent some lovely afternoons together. I’d told them what they needed to know. Of course they had read about it in the newspapers. I confirmed that it was true and told them that the Jasmine was now completely dependent on them, as I had no intention of going back. If there were any problems, then Harry was in Paris, as always.

  I didn’t dare to set foot in Monaco. Several times I had a feeling that I was being watched but I had no proof. Deep down I wanted to see Lorcan at my door, but I knew I must have disappointed him, just as I’d told him I would. A child? The lies? Who on Earth would take that?

  There were still some articles about the House of Dame and me, but as I had made no comment on anything, the press soon forgot about me and found new items that interested them more. Lorcan was photographed with another ‘paddock bimbo’. No one commented, not even Harry.

  School started and the weather on the Azure Coast was still the same. We were able to wear our shorts and short sleeved tee shirts. The weather didn’t change so much as in Paris or other cities I knew and had visited in my past.