On the Edge

by Mari Brown

  Squirming in my seat, I can’t help myself as I think back on watching Cole do just that in the shower a couple weeks ago. I turn my attention back to the road in front of us and let my thoughts drift off to Juliana.

  I’m thankful she is finally coming home. Her physical injuries are all but gone, but the emotional damage is deep. I wonder if she will ever be the same again and worry that the happy girl we used to know is gone. In her place is a quiet, yet moody girl. We’re grateful that Julie wasn’t sexually abused during her ordeal. However, she’s far from back to normal. We’ve all been concerned about her.

  As soon as Justin shuts off the engine, we rush inside to Julie’s bedroom, unintentionally startling her.

  “Sorry,” I say, slightly out of breath from rushing upstairs to get to her. “We were both just so excited to see you.”

  “It’s okay,” she says in the flat voice that we’ve grown accustomed to over the last few weeks.

  “Are you happy to be home?” Justin asks, flopping on the bed next to her and causing both of them to bounce a little.

  “Be careful with your sister, asshole,” I yell at Justin with slight laughter in my voice. The last few weeks, I’ve been a little over protective of Julie. It’s as if I can’t help myself. I’ve been no different with Seth and was thankful when Ms. Bea started her job as a nanny this week.

  It doesn’t matter that Sal is sitting in jail right now, or that there is no way he can get out of serving time in prison. But his goon, Ralph, the one I fucking shot, is taking the fall for all of this kidnapping shit. Fuck me, but it pisses me off. When I brought it up with Cole one night, he tried to make me understand it by saying there were guys, including my brother, who would take a rap for him. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea that Drew would allow himself to go to jail for Cole, but I knew Cole wasn’t lying. I could see Pete, Drew, or even Rocco going to prison for Cole in a heartbeat. I really didn’t want to think about any of them going to jail, and during the conversation, I told Cole to make sure that it didn’t happen.

  “Did the tutor come in today?” I ask Julie while laying down on the bed beside her. I look at her, watching her face, to make sure she’s not hiding any pain. I’m content that she is fine, physically at least.

  “Yeah. She’s an older lady. She’s going to help get me caught up with things, so when I go back to school next week, I shouldn’t be behind.” She replies in the monotone voice that I’m getting used to.

  “That’s good. Are you going to be ready to come back to school?” I ask.

  “Yes!” she hisses and I notice irritation written all over her face. “Dad’s driving me crazy. And all of you keep treating me like I’m going to break.”

  Now I’m getting a little upset. “Fuck you! No one thinks you’re going to break, but excuse me for giving a fuck,” I snap, jumping off the bed.

  “Fuck you, Kat! You don’t know what I went through or what it’s been like for me,” she yells at me.

  “No, I don’t know specifically what you’re going through, but I have been beaten, too. You want to be pissy, be pissy, but I’m not putting up with your shit,” I say, starting out of the room.

  All I think is… no, I didn’t go through what you went through, but you didn’t grow up with my mom, either. Julie isn’t the only one who’s had a shitty hand dealt to her. My life has been far from perfect. These last couple of months with the Knights is the most normal my life has ever been.

  Justin finally speaks. “Damn, when did you become such a bitch. I can’t believe you said that to her.”

  I don’t even stop. I head out and make way to my room. I barely to my door when I hear him before I see him.

  “Who pissed you off?” My brother’s coming up the stairs with Cole right behind him.

  This is just fucking great. I don’t want to see either one of them right now. I’m going to wind up fighting with one or both of them.

  “No one!” I snap. I head straight into my room, slamming the door behind me and hoping they get the hint. I should have known better. The door is thrown open, and Cole and Drew come marching in.

  “Kitten, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Cole asks, looking me over from head to toe.

  I slam shit around on my dresser. “Your sister is a bitch,” I say, picking bottles up, turning them over in my hands, and then setting them back down hard. I pace around the room and move over to the bed. I pick a book up off the bedside table and hurl it across the room. I cut my eyes to the guys standing and staring at me like I have morphed into a unicorn or something.

  “I blame both of you. I was better off without friends.” I huff, plopping down hard on my bed. I’m overreacting at this point, but I’ve just spent three weeks being scared for my best friend, and now, she wants to be pissy with me for caring. Fuck that. She also hit a nerve with me when it comes to my mom.

  “Kat.” Drew breaks into my thoughts and I notice the guys exchanging looks.

  “What?” I bark out. I know I shouldn’t take it out on my brother, either, but he’s convenient right now.

  “I think I’ll let you two talk. I’m going to check on my sister,” Cole says, leaning down to kiss me on the forehead before turning and walking out the door.

  “Go ahead, say whatever it is you need to say,” I testily say to my brother.

  “I get it. You let yourself get close.” He sits down beside me.

  “Damn right, and after you were the one to tell me to get the hell out of this town, look at where I am. Fucking living in the Knights mansion, dating Cole, being best friends with his sister.” I’m literally shaking the bed at this point because my legs are bouncing so much. “Now what am I going to do, Drew? I’m so fucking attached to these people, this family. It’s going to kill me to leave them in two months.” I pour my heart out to my brother.

  “I know I told you to get the fuck out, but things change,” he says, nervously rubbing his hands on his legs. “You know you don’t have to leave.”

  “Don’t have to leave? Are you fucking kidding me?” I jump up and begin pacing the room. Drew’s eyes follow me. “I worked too damn hard. I don’t ever want to be like the bitch we call mother. If I stay, I’ll never be anything more than Cole’s arm candy.”

  “Fine, so you go off to school and you come back,” he says, watching me pace the room.

  “My plan is to go to school and then come back. I love him, Drew. He’s the only man I ever see myself being in love with.” I sigh as the impact of what I said hits me. I sag into the chair at my desk. “Oh God, I’m so fucked.” I moan. “Don’t you tell anyone what I just said, Drew.” I warn my brother. Now is not the time for me to be admitting just how deep my love for Cole goes. With the kidnapping and then Juliana recovering, Cole and I have not talked about me blurting out that I was going off to school. Cole and I need to talk, but it’s just a matter of finding the time.

  “It will work out, Kat,” Drew says while watching me closely. He’s searching for something, I’m not sure what, but he suddenly seems satisfied and visibly relaxes. I don’t know what he has seen to ease his mind, but I’m glad he found it because I’m still a fucked up mess.

  “Drew, what am I going to do? He’s going to hate me.” I groan.

  “He is not going to hate you,” he says, getting up and coming to me. He squats down. “Sure, he might be upset you’re leaving, but if he knows it’s only temporary, he’ll deal.”

  “You have more faith than I do, Drew.” I fidget with the arm of the chair I’m sitting in. “Nothing ever works out for me.”

  Later that evening, Cole and I are sitting downstairs in the family room, and somehow, we’re all alone. I’m not sure how that happened. We almost never have time just the two of us unless we’re locked up in a bedroom.

  “We need to talk, Katarina,” His tone serious.

  I cut my eyes to him and get a bad feeling from what I’m seeing. I’m not going to like this conversation at all.

  “Whadda we need to talk abo
ut?” I turn my body sideways so I’m facing him. He turns to face me as well.

  “First, my sister. Then Sal. And last, the craziness of you leaving for California.”

  None of these are things I want to talk about right now. Once again, I find myself sighing. This is really not a conversation I want to be having now, or ever, for that matter.

  “Let’s not and say we did.” I fiddle with the throw pillow, pulling it up against me and hugging it like it’s a lifeline.

  “Kat! I’m serious.” His tone is formidable. I know I can’t keep avoiding this shit. He reaches for my hand pulling it away from the pillow. His thumb rubs circles around the top of my hand. “I think Julie just needs time to come to terms with things. Let’s face it, my sister’s not tough like you. This kidnapping has messed with her head.”

  I jerk my hand away.

  “No shit, I know this. I’m just not talking to her until I’m no longer angry. It’s better for everyone,” I snap at him. Yes, I’m more upset that we weren’t talking, but I don’t want to talk to her until I’m calm.

  “Fine, I’ll drop the thing with Julie.” He grabs me by my arms and slides me towards him on the couch. I want to be mad at him, but I can’t seem to muster the energy right now. “Let’s discuss the thing with Sal. What we’re hearing is that he’s going away for a minimum of ten years, no matter what happens. So is Joe. The guy you shot will be lucky if he gets a taste of freedom ever again,” he says while still holding me close to him. His voice is a whisper in my ear as he speaks. His arms hold me tight to him, my back against his chest. I shouldn’t be so at ease in his arms, but I am. This attraction between us doesn’t happen for real, right? I can’t believe the way he makes me feel on a daily basis. I press against him.

  “So, we won’t have to worry about Sal for a while. Is what you’re telling me?” I tilt my head up to look at him.

  “No, babe, he won’t be a problem. The only problem we have is this bull shit about you leaving for California.”

  “It’s not bullshit,” I say, sitting up straight as I feel myself growing angry with him.

  “It is!” he says, anger clear in his voice. He has been keeping himself in check, but now he is angry and feeling it. “There is no fucking reason for you to go across country. You can go to school locally.”

  I jump and begin pacing the room. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I ask while continuing to pace, my body on fire and alive with anger. “I’ve worked my ass off for UCLA.”

  He’s now off the couch and standing in front of me, hating my relentless pacing. “I know and I’m proud of you, but it’s no longer necessary for you to move across country,” he says while reaching for me. I shrug him off.

  “I’m going to UCLA!” I grit out each word, making it clear I’m not backing down.

  He grabs me, pulling me to him, his chest rising and falling in anger. “Katarina, no, you aren’t.”

  Who does he fucking think he is, telling me I won’t be going to UCLA after I’ve spent the last two years working my ass off to get there. He has fucking lost his mind.

  I try to shake loose from his grip. “You’re not controlling this, Cole!” I spit out, getting angrier. As I squirm in his arms, he holds me around the waist. The television is still playing quietly in the background. I look around the room, wildly trying to find a way to escape Cole.

  “Kitten.” His voice softens. My insides melt, but I keep straining to break loose from his hold. “I can’t lose you.”

  I stop moving, his words halting me in place. “You aren’t losing me if I go off to school.”

  “I would be,” he says to me.

  “Asshole!” I exclaim. I can’t think because I’m so floored by the bubble rush of emotions. The anger at him trying to control me. The depth of love he shows for me is breathtaking. “You won’t lose me,” I say, my voice softening and my eyes cutting into his. “You have to let me do this though, Cole. Please,” I plead with him. “You have to let me find myself before trapping me here.”

  “I’m not trying to trap you,” he says, his tone showing his anger coming back.

  “You are. You want to keep me in this cocoon, but you have to let me become who I want to be, not who you want me to be.” I say softly, my hand reaching up to gently cup his face, making him look at me eye to eye. I want him to see that my leaving for UCLA does not have to be the end of us.

  “You’re not going! That is final!” he finally bites out.

  Now I’m pissed. I manage to break free from him

  “Fuck you!” I yell back at him as I storm upstairs to my bedroom, slamming the door and locking him out. I can’t deal with him. I have to do something. Why can’t he see that it’s not a bad thing. That I will come back home on breaks, and when I graduate, I will come back to him. There is only one thing left for me to decide. How do I handle Cole now that my mind is made up?

  Time is a strange thing that sometimes moves so quickly, and yet, at other times, it seems to drag. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to how it moves. As I look around my bedroom in the Knight home, memory after memory of how I came to be here six months ago wash over me. I never once dreamed that a single phone call to my brother would change my life so dramatically.

  I have received the official acceptance letter and my scholarship paperwork from UCLA, and if just a few hours, I leave. I have lied to Cole for months now, telling him I’ve given up UCLA. I’ve done everything possible to avoid fighting with him because I didn’t want to ruin what time we had left together. His family has completely accepted me as part of them. Bruce has become very special to me these last months. He is the father, no, the parent I’ve never had before. That man took in a complete stranger and embraced me as one of his own. Bruce is also the only person I have trusted with the knowledge that I still plan to go to UCLA.

  My mind drifts back to the conversation we had a few months back.

  I’m a nervous wreck as I stand in front of Bruce’s office and knock on the door.

  “Come in,” Bruce calls out.

  I open the door and close it softly behind me.

  “Kat, what can I do for you?”

  I swallow, suddenly feeling as if the paperwork in my hand weighs a ton. I walk towards the desk and thrust them at Bruce. He takes them, looking a little confused until he glances at them, and then a small grin forms across his face. When he looks at me, I’m still standing there, nervously twisting my hands.

  “Sit down and let’s talk,” Bruce says in a soft voice.

  I fall back in a chair, only to fidget and nervously tap my toe. To make matters worse, I can’t seem to find my voice.

  “It’s all done? You should be proud of everything you accomplished to get this far.”

  I just stare at him, not certain that I can speak without crying because I feel myself fighting back tears. I don’t cry!

  “You’re leaving my son, aren’t you?” Bruce finally asks. I’m afraid to look at him. “Look at me, Kat.”

  I slowly lift my head and meet his eyes. Nothing but kindness and maybe understanding reflect back to me.

  “What do you need from me?”

  “I need your help I need you to help me leave I need your help to keep Cole from stopping me I love him so much, but I’ll never make it through school if I have to deal with him He won’t let me go in the first place I know I’ll cave, so I’m not telling him until the last minute.”

  This all comes out in one long, fast blur of words. I’m essentially setting myself up for a broken heart. Cole isn’t going to forgive me for choosing UCLA over him. I didn’t want it to come to this, but he’s forced my hand.

  “Are you sure that is what you want to do, Kat? You know my son isn’t going to take this well. Are you ready to face that?”

  I gulp, but I know Bruce is speaking the truth. “If, after four years, he’s moved on, then I won’t return. I’ll just stay in California so I don’t have to live where I might see him going on with his life. I love him, I really
do, but I’m not going to miss this opportunity to expand my world view.” I’m almost shouting at the end. Bruce walks around to my side of the desk, and gently pulls me into a hug.

  “You will always have my support and the Knights will always protect you. I’ll help you. I think you should give Cole a chance to come to terms with this and let him have a say so in what happens between the two of you, but I won’t make you stay.”

  I sag against Bruce in relief and I feel moisture on my face and realize I’m crying because I know deep down this is it. I won’t be coming back to Belmont.

  True to his word, Bruce has helped make all the arrangements for me to get out to UCLA and arranged a bank account that he will fund as long as I maintain my grades and scholarship. This is very generous of him, but I realize, that to him, I’m family. He loves me as if I’m one of his own children.

  Speaking of his children, I feel bad that I’ve not told any of them I’m leaving for California in just under forty-eight hours. Julie’s going to be hurt that I’m leaving without telling her, but I plan to keep in touch with her daily and visit with her as much as I can. She’ll always be an important part of my life. She’ll be attending school in New York, and Bruce plans to send a guard with her. That is the only thing that gives me peace.

  After her kidnapping, Julie’s changed. Some things worry me but I trust that she’ll be okay in the long run. She’s gone from the spoiled princess to a wilder, crazier version of herself. Many weekends, Justin and I have hunted her down at a party and pulled her out of a sticky situation.

  Justin is going to be pissed at me for leaving. He’ll understand why I’m sneaking off the way I am. He knows his brother will never let me go. Too many times in the last few months, Cole has shown just how possessive he is of me, and how jealous he is of his own brother. It’s ridiculous, but I don’t let him keep me from teasing and treating Justin the way I want.

  Seth, my precious little boy. I’m going to miss him the most. He won’t understand my leaving. Bruce has promised that he will bring Seth to visit me regularly and make sure we talk daily. He’s already told Ms. Bea to add my calls to Seth’s schedule. I just hope that I can live without that sweet face for four years. I’m heartbroken at just the thought of leaving him.