Never Give Up

by Heidi Lis

  I’m abruptly feeling the need to sit down as a wave of light-headedness overwhelms me. With a few calming breaths, I can’t help but feel ashamed. “I do, please believe me when I say I do.” The moment feels like a bucket of cold water put the flames out. I can’t help shaking my head repeatedly as my voice cracks with each tear that falls. “I should have known this wouldn’t work out.”

  Bending forward, Nick wipes away my tears. “Oh, it will work. I’m not stopping. You want me and I need to make you forget him. I need you to realize how good it can be between us. Let me love you, El. Let me be your new beginning, it’s time to let him go…for good.”

  That pretty much sealed it for me. He’s right, I need him as much as I want him. It’s time for a new beginning. It’s time I moved on from Micah.

  With a flutter in my stomach, I’m hyper-aware of the tingling sensations running rampant when our eyes lock onto one another. As I affectionately, reach out to touch his cheek, he leans in and seals his lips to mine, unleashing all of his warmth and sweetness. His plump lips are all-consuming, and before I know it, his hands wrap around me. Slowly laying me back on my bed, he sits, slowly stripping himself of his shirt. Seeing him this way and knowing what’s about to happen, my fingers flex, begging to touch the trail of hair that runs down his chest, dipping below his jeans. My fingertips trace downward to unsnap his jeans. The slight moan that escapes my lips seems to spur him on, lifting his hips into my eager hands.

  “Sweet Jesus El, I’ve wanted you to touch me like this for so long. I’m afraid I’m going to explode the minute I feel you take me in your hands.” Nick can’t help but cover my hand with his as I lower his zipper sliding into his boxer briefs. He may have expected me to be timid and shy, but I’ve lacked any sexual contact for years, so right now I’m not shy at all, but that does not ease my nervousness.

  Not able to contain my utter surprise, I gasp. “Oh shit, Nick, you’re like…big.” I’m so embarrassed. Did I just say that to him?

  He belts out a laugh while kissing my neck. “Oh baby, you just wait.”

  I swallow loudly, “Okay.”

  In no time at all I’m stripped naked, with Nick looming over me in all his glory. He’s quite beautiful. He works out, and it shows. Each muscle is proudly displayed for me to ogle.

  “I’m going to take this slow, baby.” I know he is trying to assure me because my body is trembling under him.

  My hesitant nod has me feeling like I’m a virgin again. I might as well be since I’ve only had sex once. My other experience was altogether a different situation, I’m not comfortable discussing. Especially not with Nick.

  I’m struggling with these memories invading my mind. To push those away, I resort to begging. “Please, I need to feel you.”

  He positions himself over me while, gazing into my eyes, and we just pause, staring at one another. I’m not sure what he is searching for, but the look he’s giving me tells me he will make it good, that he is right for me.

  “Do you trust me, El?” His emerald eyes implore me.

  Not able to find my voice, I simply nod.

  “Do you want me?”

  I nod again.

  “Thank Christ,” he says, with a pant.

  Leaning forward, he takes my lips again, bearing his full weight. My arms automatically wrap around him and my legs easily fall open. With the help of his hand, Nick lines himself to my center. Feeling him there, I panic and damn near jump off the bed.

  “Hey baby, just feel me. Let go.” Repeating this many times in my ear.

  A humming noise escapes my throat.

  I’m so excited. I know I’m beyond wet, more like drenched because his erection glides with ease, sliding over my clit with every stroke. Arching my back, he takes advantage and sucks a nipple into his mouth while continuing to torture me with his erection sliding up and down my center. This time, I’m losing it. The stars come out, and I scream his name.

  “Holy hell, that was hot.” He’s breathing hard, yet I’m the one who had the over the top orgasm.

  Blinking rapidly, I’m gasping for my next breath. “Oh, that was…just wow.”

  Each moan escaping his mouth is louder than the last in the process of kissing his way up my neck settling on my lips. “Oh baby, you are in for a surprise. Get ready, Elsa.” Nick says nervously while sliding on a condom. The minute I see the green wrapper, I tense up…terrified. My saving grace this time is I’m on the pill and have been for years. Not that I necessarily needed it, but I’ll be damned if I would allow that to happen to me again. My heart would not survive it.

  “You okay?” I’m sure the look on my face is nothing less than horrific.

  Blinking rapidly, I whisper, “Yeah, of course. It’s just…you know.”

  With a nod of his head, his look tells me he understands exactly what I meant. “Baby, I’ll make sure you’re okay. I know what you’re thinking, I also know you’re on the pill. I’ve seen you take it for years. No worries.”

  Having him candidly acknowledge my pill routine, enlightens me to how much he knows about me. Lining himself up, he takes his time, kissing my neck. With my thoughts held hostage, I close my eyes fighting what I’ve been avoiding. I knew whenever I had sex again, Micah would no longer be the only one who would have touched me this way. Deeply, not only in my body, but my soul as well. I’ve kept that part reserved solely for him. Maybe that’s part of my problem.

  Nick gently pushes inside as tears escape my eyes. I’ve got so many different emotions swirling in my mind. My sudden panic attack halts my breathing, and I hold onto his arms with an iron grip. Nick continues to push himself into me, an inch at a time.

  His body shakes over mine. “Oh shit, Elsa, you’re so tight.”

  Those innocent words sink into my mind, cutting me deep. The slight shred of pain coming from him stretching me does nothing compared to the pain that’s tearing my heart in two. Taking every inch of him he has to give, my mind echoes, “Good-bye Micah,” as my tears fall for one final goodbye.

  TAKING A QUIET MOMENT to replay my night with Nick, I’m slowly sipping coffee from my favorite mug. My lower body is sore, of course, I knew it would be. Once was not enough for him, he had taken me again before we fell asleep. Emotionally and physically, I’m drained, yet last night was very therapeutic. By allowing Nick in, I’m finally able to let Micah go. I knew it sounded crazy, but to me… it meant everything.

  Liza interrupts me when she strolls into the kitchen while sporting the biggest grin possible. I bust out laughing as my tired, weary eyes hit hers.

  “Well, well, well… how was it?” Her hushed voice indicates she knew Nick is still here.

  Walking by her I bump her shoulder, looking around the corner to see if Nick was in fact still asleep in my room. “Oh, stop it.”

  “Should I go wake up sleeping beauty and ask him?” My evil roommate snickers at me.

  My cheeks instantly flush. “Hell NO!” I’m shushing her with my hands.

  Raising her wicked eyebrow at me, she’s snapping her fingers. “Give me the goods, how was good ole’ Nick in the sack?”

  I nearly choke at her question. Shaking my head, I squint my eyes, as I glare back toward her. “Oh all right,” biting my lip, I slightly hesitate. “It was over the top, fantastic. He was amazingly sweet and knows how to make a girl scream.” Meeting her gaze, I’m silently asking her ‘does that answer your question,’ but all I get is bug eyes.

  She mouths the word “wow," before whistling. “My oh my. Now that is what I’m talking about. So are all the cobwebs cleaned out? Five years is a long ass time to go without getting any action. How sore are you, by the way?”

  I’m about to open my mouth with a smart ass response when I freeze, realizing we are no longer alone.

  “Hello ladies, talking shop are we?” Nick saunters in, grabs a mug and kisses me on the cheek. “Good morning, beautiful.”

  Closing my eyes, I breathe him in. My thoughts drift back to last night, even
with my mental breakdown, he never once made me feel bad. He never wavered, he stood strong and showed me how much he wanted me. The second time around, he was just as sweet, if not more. I’m a lucky girl.

  He must comprehend my daydream, because he lets out a soft laugh. “I am that awesome, aren’t I?”

  I’m somewhat shocked at how comfortable I feel around him this morning. Seeing how confident and funny, he is, I accidentally spit out my coffee all over him.

  He jumps back, shouting out, “Damn that’s hot.”

  Wiping my chin, I can’t help chuckling. “Serves you right, sneaking up on us knowing full well we are most likely talking about you. Just be glad my aim hit your arm and not your johnson.” My eyes leisurely linger down his body.

  Liza laughs, holding her belly. “Pip, who the hell says johnson anymore? You are not some old lady, call it what it is, a dick.”

  “A ‘large dick’ or ‘johnson’ in Pip’s case.” Nick just has to add in his two cents. It’s funny because he only addresses me by my nickname when Liza’s around.

  Horrified with them laughing at me, I decide to leave the room. “Oh God, you both are sick. I’m off to shower.”

  Slowly closing the bathroom door, I can hear Liza’s soft voice grilling Nick.

  “How was she last night?” Liza’s trying her best to talk softly, but instead, her voice carries rather loudly.

  Nick’s voice softens, “She was nervous and upset at first, like I knew she would be. I was patient, took it slow, and had the best night of my life with the girl I’m crazy about.”

  I can hear what sounds like a slap on someone’s back. “You’re a good man Nick, not many guys would put up with that shit from a girl.”

  Liza’s words sting even though she’s right. What guy would want to sleep with a girl who was crying over another guy when she was naked with him? Yeah, not many.

  Sighing, I closed the door to take my shower. While I’m rinsing my hair, an idea hits me. It’s more of a way to symbolize my new life without ever forgetting my past.

  Shopping with Liza today, just got a whole lot busier.

  An hour later, showered up we’re heading out for our day of shopping. We both got paid yesterday, so we are eager to spend some of our hard-earned money.

  Nick left at the same time we did after an awkward goodbye. He grabbed me by my hips, pulled me against him, and crushed his lips to mine to cement last night’s activities. The kiss differed from the one’s he gave me last night. Long gone were the slow, sweet kisses, this kiss was more urgent and compelling. Fisting my hair in a firm grip, his intense gaze pleads to me.

  “Don’t forget last night, and don’t you dare forget how much it meant.”

  The sincere honesty in his words meant so much. The only thing I wanted to do was reassure him. “Last night was amazing for me, you were amazing. I should be thanking you for being so patient with me, it had to be weird for you.” It hurt admitting this to him.

  With a shake of his head, Nick sighed with a one-sided grin. “It was perfect. No regrets. Last night was bigger than just us, I knew that, El. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Thanks,” I said snuggling into his big arms.

  Liza then interrupts our little love fest. “Christ you two, can you maul each other later? Shopping awaits, chop chop.” The girl has zero patience.

  Pulling out of his arms, I tell him I’ll call him later. He simply replies, “you better.”

  Liza and I then head off for the Mall, but I had yet to mention the other little thing I decided to do today. Not sure how she’ll take it either.

  “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?” Liza is beyond shocked.

  I’m calmly hold up my finger. “Umm, no. I’m doing this with or without you. Are you going to come with me?” I say to give her the opportunity to leave.

  “Shit, you are serious.”

  “Dead.” My facial expression never changes.

  Realizing she will not change my mind, she tosses her hands up in the air. “Well, let’s go find a good guy then. Do you know what you want?”

  Smiling. “Absolutely.”

  I’m on a mission trying to locate a man named Jack Daniels. I kid you not, I got his name from a girl at the Gap. Generally speaking, it’s pretty odd to get a referral for what I need from a lady who sells clothes for a living. But from the looks of her arms, I would say she is the perfect person to help me out.

  Finally, after tracking him down, I’m now sitting in the chair of Jack Daniels, a tattoo guru according to Violet, my sales lady from the Gap. Her arms are a walking advertisement for his work. Quite impressed, I excitedly took his name and number. Lucky for me, he had time, so here I sit.

  Getting his equipment ready, he then asks, “Okay, so you’re sure this is what you want?”

  I’m a bundle of nerves bouncing in the chair, nervous as hell. Grasping the sides of the chair, I hang on with an iron clad grip. Even though I’m anxious, I also know this is what I need to do. “Yeah, it’s personal, and it stands for something lost but never forgotten.”

  He lets out a laugh. “Babe, if you knew how many something lost but not forgotten tattoos I’ve done in my lifetime, let’s just say you’d be amazed. I get it, you know. It’s cool, you doing this. It’s your way to remember without ever letting go.” He keeps his eyes locked on mine. I could not have said it better myself.

  Looking over at Liza, he dismisses her with an eye roll. She is making it known she hates this idea, and she doesn’t understand why I feel the need to mark my body.

  Clearing my throat, I get Jack’s attention. “Don’t mind her, she doesn’t get me.”

  Shaking his head, he sighs. “Yeah, I get that too.”

  Clearly agitated, Liza doesn’t stop. “Pip, this guy does not deserve to be inked on your body. He’s never coming back.” Wow, her words are more like venom. I wonder if she’ll ever truly understand me.

  I can’t help fighting back the tears that are screaming at her. “Yeah, Liza, I understand that. The tattoo is not for him, it’s for me. Just leave if you don’t want to be here with me.” I’m irritated and hurt. She’s my friend, why can’t she support me? I’m getting more support and understanding from Jack and I just met him.

  Just then her phone rings. Thank God!

  “Ace, hey baby. Where are you?” She’s even snippy with him. If I’m lucky, maybe she will leave to go meet him.

  With a snap of her fingers, she’s bitter. “Oh NO, my roommate is now getting a tattoo to remind her of this loser from high school.” No, she did not just say that.

  “LIZA.” I’m beyond mad, so I shout at her.

  Her voice is inching higher and louder. “Yeah, that’s her. I’m not… Oh my God… I am here for her. Well, it’s been years now, she thinks she needs to do this to get over him. No. No. Oh, okay.” She says, shoving her phone in her purse with a huff.

  I’m stunned, staring at her so upset right now listening to her one-sided conversation. Jack is nearly ready, and ignoring her the best he can.

  Pinching her nose with her fingers, she lets out one final huff. “He thinks I should be more supportive of you. He wants me to tell you how brave you are and good luck.” Her incessant eye rolling does not make me feel any better. I’m sure the way her boyfriend stuck up for me is the reason she seems put off.

  “Wow. Tell him thanks.” I think.

  “Okay ladies,” Jack turns to Liza, “Miss if you want to talk to your boyfriend, please take it outside.”

  I’m silently praying she does just that.

  She mumbles and stomps off toward the front door. Yes, I can relax for a minute before the real pain begins. The idea of getting poked with needles does not excite me.

  A half hour later, Liza strolls back in and thankfully I’m almost done. Jack is going over my home care instructions. To be honest, it wasn’t so bad. I might even consider getting another one in the near future. Jack hands me a mirror to look at his masterpiece on my hip.
The instant my eyes see it, they flood with tears. It’s beyond beautiful and so much better than I ever imagined it could be. Jack is the tattoo guru, it’s gorgeous.

  “Oh my God, Jack. It’s perfect.”

  He smiles as he cleans up. “Why thank you sweetness, it looks great on you.”

  Meeting his eyes, the look he gives me tells me he understands the reason for my design. I bet he hears a lot of stories behind the many tattoos he does on a daily basis. For me, it’s all about healing and moving forward.

  My gaze traces the intricate letters disguised in the design inked on my pale skin. Jack drew up the letters to mold into the design. The idea being I would be the only one knowing the double meaning behind them. A double M weaved sideways to form the wings of the butterfly. Symbolic for the two names forever in my heart. To this day, only a few people know who Micah is. The other letter M, well, that’s my secret to tell.

  LIZA’S STILL NOT speaking when we return home from our day of shopping. We grabbed dinner on the way home. I had no idea that getting poked with needles would wipe me out as much as it had. Dragging my bags to my room, I pull out the beautiful dress I bought. Thanks to my new found lease on life, I’m excited to wear some of my neglected clothes that are hanging in my closet. Getting dressed up and looking pretty for Nick excites me. I want to render him speechless. I’m sure he has to be sick of seeing me in my usual attire of jeans and t-shirts. It’s time for a new look, a new attitude, and a new beginning…with Nick Edwards. Who knew the banker, aka my best friend in the world, would be the one who could give me all the firsts I’ve been missing?

  Pulling out my new silver strappy heels, I’m amazed I purchased them. They were astonishingly pricey, but to die for at the same time. It will take me a lot of overtime to pay them off, but who cares? They were so worth it.

  Checking my tattoo out in the mirror, I decided to hop in the shower before we eat dinner. I also need to call Nick before bed. On my way to the bathroom, Liza stops and informs me she’s skipping dinner to go out with Ace. Whatever.

  Turning on the hot water for my shower, I let the room fill up with steam, like my personal sauna. Dropping my clothes, I’m about to get in the shower when I hear our front door slam shut. I left the bathroom door ajar, shrugging off any notion, I’m sure it’s just Liza leaving.