Never Give Up

by Heidi Lis

  It’s nearing the end of my day and it could not come fast enough. My head has not been right since Matt was here. Liza has been busy most of the day, so I didn’t have to worry about her prying too much. It worked out perfectly, I played my bizarre behavior on a bad headache, and she bought it. There was not a snowball’s chance in hell, I was telling her who Matt was. Hell, I’ve never even told her Micah’s name. I’ve kept that part a secret, because I never wanted a long conversation that included his name being brought up over and over again. She never pushed, and I never offered it up.

  Cleaning up my desk, I glance up and see Nick walking to the front door from the parking lot. Shit, dinner. Oh man, this is the last thing I need tonight. How the hell do I get out of dinner? Simple. I don’t. I suck it up. Nick does not need to find out about this little hiccup.

  Opening the door, he says, “Hey beautiful girl, ready for dinner?” His emerald eyes sparkle drinking me in.

  Just like that, my frown turns into a smile, a genuine smile. Nick just knows me. He’s exactly what I need to forget my crappy day. Straightening out my head, I hold up my finger to let him know I’ll be ready soon. “Give me a few and we can head out.”

  Giving my area a once over, I grab my purse and reach for the door handle. Liza is working late with a patient. They have another hour ahead of them. Knowing her boyfriend is coming to pick her up, I’m ready to go. With my hand on the door, the phone rings, and I ponder on whether to answer it or let it go to the recording. “What now.” I let go of the door handle to answer it.

  “Noelridge Dental, can I help you?” My voice is marginally stressed.

  An awkward pause follows.

  “Elsa, is that you?”

  “Yes, this is Elsa, can I help you?” I’m not paying much attention, because the file on my desk needs filing. Not thinking much else, I turn to do just that saying the alphabet in my head, to make sure the chart is filed correctly.

  “Oh my God, this is you.” His voice softens to a whisper.

  It’s then I freeze. A burst of adrenaline blasts my body like a locomotive My heart slams out of my chest and hits the floor.

  HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

  “Micah.” Saying his name ignites a tingling sensation across my body.

  Taking every ounce of strength I have in me, I whisper his name with my eyes squeezed shut. My racing heart feels like it might explode. Damn near knocking the wind out of me, my legs give out. Luckily, my chair catches me. Upon opening my eyes, the first thing I see is Nick standing in the doorway, staring right at me.

  MY HEAD’S SPINNING, and the awkward silence is almost too much to bear. I’m clueless what to say to him, and by the lack of words coming from him, I can only guess he is feeling the same way. The shock on Nick’s face gives way to the look of horror on mine. This day is going to kill me yet. So many emotions are running through my mind. Holding my hand over my mouth, I can feel the tears threatening to escape.

  Nick’s startled expression abruptly changes to a murderous stare. He’s watching me fall apart in front of his eyes. I know the more I crumble apart, the more his look transforms into hatred.

  Clearing my mind and throat, I’m desperate to make Micah understand. He’s repeatedly asked me to talk with him. With him on the phone, and Nick breathing down my neck, all I want to do is escape.

  Fiddling with my necklace, my voice trembles. “Micah, I’m not sure this is a good idea.” My hushed tone carries more like a whisper with every scorchingly hot tear that ebbs my cheeks. Streaming, each tear feels like hot lava, descending, just like my resolve.

  Micah’s voice breaks into his own set of sobs. “Elsa, I need to talk to you. There are things you don’t know, and I need to tell you before you find out another way.”

  I can hear the anxiety laced with his words. I’m sure he had no idea when he woke up today, he’d ever imagine he’d be talking to me, just like I had no clue I would ever speak to him again. But, here we are. Five years later.

  Holding the phone next to my ear, I’m struggling to find the right words. Pinching my lower lip, I’m at a loss for words. A part of me just wants to hang up on him, shutting him out. But the other part is desperate to hold onto the phone just to hear his voice.

  I simply can’t allow this.

  “There is nothing you need to say, so please don’t contact me again Micah. You have no idea, so just please let it go.” I say timidly, as a loud sob escapes my throat. Clutching my chest, it feels like it’s split wide open. I’m rocking back and forth in my chair. I can faintly hear Nick insisting I hang up the phone over my shoulder.

  Micah refuses to listen, he keeps on. “No El, you need to listen to me. For the love of God, please hear me out.”

  His voice becomes muffled like his hand is covering his phone. “Jesus Christ, how the hell did this happen?” He is talking to someone, no idea who. It’s then another male voice speaks, and I conclude it’s Matt. Of course. Dammit.

  Listening to them talk, I notice Nick is pacing the front room, he comes to my desk tapping his fingers on the counter.

  He’s beyond mad, more like fuming mad. “Hang up El, there is no need to talk to him. Don’t you let him hurt you again.” Nick says in a tone the matches the look of his face. Cold, loud, hard and angry.

  I disagree with him. “No, he can’t hurt me. Not anymore.” It’s then I realize he must have misinterpreted my notion because he is shouting at me now.

  “Enough Elsa, tell him enough! You’re done with him, once and for all.”

  My mouth hangs open, I’m surprised by his anger, and the fact he is shouting at my place of work. Holding the phone away from my face, I try to hush him using my hands. “I’m not letting him hurt me again, let me handle this, Nick.” I swear the look I’m giving him should alert him to the fact to just how difficult this is. It’s freaking natural that I’m shocked, but I don’t need him going off the deep end. I’m not stupid, I’m just shocked, surprised maybe, but never an idiot.

  At the moment the only stupid thing is all I’ve shared with Nick about my past with Micah. He knows too much, enough to hurt me by hurting Micah. Nick knows all of my secrets. If he ever got a hold of Micah, I know he would tell him the one secret that would destroy Micah. His primary goal would be to hurt Micah, but in doing so, he would destroy me. I cannot let that happen. It’s as if my entire world is gradually falling apart. Knowing what power comes with knowing this secret, hell, I’ll protect it with everything I have. I won’t let anyone use it as a pawn to hurt someone else. I’ll defend it like a lioness protecting her cub. A mother protecting her child.

  “Who is that? Is that Nick?” Micah says with pure venom.

  Pulling the phone from my face, I stare at it. How the hell does he knows Nick’s name? Wait, I just said his name out loud. What the heck, my nerves are shot. I’m not thinking straight. Why the hell would I be? My past showed up today and is slowly chipping away at me. Not sure how much more of me there is to take, because once your heart is shattered, and your soul is shredded, there’s not much left. Doesn’t matter how strong of a person you are, there is only so much before the only thing left, is an empty shell.

  Micah’s frantically trying to convince me to hear him out. “Meet me at least once. Please give me a chance to explain things before it becomes a huge mess. I’m begging you, Elsa.”

  Micah’s voice shakes the last bit of my resolve. All of these years he’s haunted my dreams, and now he is on the phone begging me. How did this happen?

  I need to end this. “No, please just go away. Live your life, I’m trying to do the same with mine.” It’s not the time nor the place to have this talk with him. Either that or I’m going to faint. Nick is going to smash the phone or better yet, Dr. Davis is going to walk up front. Any of those is not a good thing, the best option is to disconnect the call.

  Determinated, I’m able to use a hushed, controlled tone. “I have to go, this is not the time or place. I’m at work. Bye!” Lowerin
g the phone, I can hear his voice through the receiver.

  “Elsa, please do not hang up on me.”

  Oops…too late!

  Nick and I come back to my place. I’m too worked up to eat or be anywhere in public. To say I’m out of my mind, would not be far from the truth, I’m a wreck. I have no idea what Micah was trying to hint at that he needed to talk about something. It’s lost on me, but Nick is beyond pissed. His incessant pacing in my living room is not helping my nerves or resolve.

  “Nick, for the love of God, please sit down.” I’m damn near hyperventilating sitting on the couch with my arms bouncing, resting on my legs. Lowering my head, I try to calm my erratic breathing. I wasn’t kidding when I said, Nick’s behavior is not helping me one bit.

  “What the fuck is his game, Elsa? Why even bother to call you? And what the hell did he mean to say he needs to talk to you about some huge, potential mess?” Nick’s so upset he about hits the wall with his fist.

  I’m staring at him like ‘how the hell should I know?’ Good Lord, it’s been five years.

  “I told you all I know. Matt was in today, and most likely that is how Micah knew to call me there. Other than that, I’m as clueless as you.” I’m so in need of a drink. “It doesn’t matter, there is nothing left to say. He left me, end of story. That being said, I know differently, as well as you, but he will never know any part of that, right?” I need him to swear he will keep his mouth shut if he ever has the chance to meet Micah in person.

  Nick huffs out a breath sitting down next to me pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry El, this cannot be easy for you. I just don’t want you hurt. Not again, and definitely not by him.” He rubs my arms with his hands.

  I could not agree with him more. “Yeah, well tell my heart to catch up with my brain would ya?” Ain’t that the truth. My head is light years ahead of my aching heart. With strong arms around me, I relax, letting my body slouch. The floodgates are now open, and there is little hope of them stopping anytime soon.

  A sigh leaves his lips. “Wonder what he wants to tell you, though,” Nick says with little to no emotion. “He’s been out of the picture for so long. Now suddenly he wants to talk.” I can tell he’s tense when his hands slowly tighten around my body. “Well, fuck him.”

  I’m sure Nick is having some insecurities when it comes to Micah. The one guy I’ve pined over for the past five years and now suddenly he turns up, and he wants to talk to me.

  Wiping my eyes, I sit up to apologize. “I’m so sorry.” My words come out in a snotty mess, but I need him to realize I know this is hard for him too. Poor guy finally gets the girl and now the other half of her soul has turned up out of nowhere.

  Anguish takes it toll on him. He’s obsessively rubbing his hands down his face. “Oh hell, baby, I’m hurt and confused. I don’t want this fucker to come in and steal you away from me. He lost you. He gave you up when you needed him the most. I was here for you…for years. It was my shoulder you cried on. My hands comforted you, and my words were the ones you sought solace in. I finally got you. You had finally let me in, and I’m scared as fuck I will lose you. To him. It’s always been him.” The pain in his voice matches the look on his face, and it hurts me.

  His honesty is like a dagger. On one hand, I have the love of my life wanting to talk to me after all this time. On the other, my safety net, Nick, who is strong as steel, is fearful of losing the one person he’s wanted for so long. The guy has never wavered from me, all the late night crying, the panic attacks, even the days I just wanted to give up, he was there.

  Voices outside our apartment indicate Liza is home, most likely with Ace. Just what I don’t need tonight. “Oh shit, I’m in no mood to meet her boyfriend.”

  Realizing they are coming in, I wipe my eyes and take a few dozen calming breaths. Nick’s arms hold onto me tighter, telling me wordlessly it’s going to be okay.

  “What is it with you tonight? I swear you’re acting weird.” Liza’s sounding like her usual cheerful self. Not!

  I hear no response, so Nick and I exchange a strange look. Nick had met Ace a few times when I was either at work or not home yet, so it seems I’m the only one yet to meet him.

  Going to stand up, I turn to see an agitated Liza stomping her feet. She takes in my appearance; I’m sure I look delightful crying like I have the past few hours.

  She stops dead in her tracks. “What the hell is going on here?”

  I swear she is ready to punch Nick, thinking he caused my unhappy state. I’m just too damn drained to explain, so I shake my head instead.

  Nick, holding his hands up says, “Don’t ask me, ask her?”

  She pins her puzzled expression on me. Praying this day away, I’m rolling my eyes when I catch the movement behind her. Shit, I damn near forget she’s not alone. I go to speak, but I’m rendered speechless as he walks in.

  Now in life, you get a few surprises that render you speechless. You might even get a few that knock you on your ass. I would say right now, I got both in one giant puff of smoke.

  Several things happen all at once. Not sure what came first, second or even last, but I heard mumbled words, the room started to spin out of control, and I was about to hit the floor. I swear I may have blacked out for a moment, but my hearing is crystal clear.

  Liza screeches like she’s right next to my ear. “Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to her. Pip, wake the fuck up?”

  The next thing I hear is Nick. “Baby, oh shit, I knew this would happen. Today was just too much. Ace, what the fuck is wrong with you? Liza what the hell is wrong with your dude, over there? He’s looking like he just seen a fucking ghost.”

  “Who the hell knows? He’s been weird all day.”

  Liza’s has to be rubbing my arms, I can feel her icy fingers all over me.

  It’s then I hear it.

  I hear him.

  “Elsa.” It’s faint, but it’s there.

  “What did you just say?” No mistaking Liza’s ‘what the fuck moment.’

  I hear a thud followed with a long extended sigh. My head is gradually coming around, and as I try to open my eyes. I’m questioning if I really want to. Feeling Nick’s arms around me, and the cold fingers of Liza combing through my hair, it oddly comforts me. The spinning room starts to slow down, and everything is coming into focus. A frantic Nick and wild-eyed Liza are right in my face staring down at me. Leisurely my eyes drift to the person sitting on his knees before me with tears shimmering in his eyes. His expression is distant and lost and instantly, my heart crumbles to pieces. It’s him, still with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.

  After five long years, our eyes are intently locked to one another. My breaths catch in my chest. Staring at him for an overlong moment, I choke back a sob and whisper, “Micah.”

  Then…I heard two very loud gasps!

  I’M QUIET AS A church mouse, still stunned I think. That mess, the one Micah was referring to? Yeah, it’s definitely a mess. Liza throws up her arms with pure resentment, and is voicing her displeasure so loudly, I’m sure everyone in our building is getting an earful. I can’t help thinking our story would make a great TV sitcom. The out of body experience I’m having right now is nothing compared to the continual shouting coming from Liza.

  “I don’t understand,” she idly points out directing her tirade at Micah. “Don’t tell me to calm the hell down. Ace, how is it possible my best friend and my boyfriend are a long lost hookup? Why go by Ace? Why not Micah?” She barely stops to take a breath. “Jesus Christ, did you know I hated you? All because of what you did to her.” She then throws up hands. “I, of course, had no idea it’s actually you.”

  Micah lowers his head giving it a slight shake. So many emotions flicker across his furrowed brows.

  I think we all cringe, listening to her unleash her fury. She is missing the fact none of us knew, and we are all just as stunned. While her rant is never ending, the three of us are still stunned speechless. It’s Ace, (aka) Micah, getting the
worst of it. All the while¸ he is trying to get her to calm down. But his eyes are directed at me, instead. Sadly, the only thing this does is infuriate her even more.

  Micah’s still kneeling on the floor, at close quarters with me, nonetheless. His eyes are full of sorrow, and glistening as tears cascade down his cheeks. He admitted to us he used the name ‘Ace’ while in the Air Force. These days he rarely uses his given name. While he speaks, his ashen eyes are immersed solely with mine, trying to gauge my reactions as I sit and soak in his every word. To say I’m shocked as hell is an understatement. I shake my head in disbelief. My life would be any writer’s dream come true. I never knew how complicated or heart-shattering my life would become, but sitting here now, lost in the eyes of the one who shattered my fragile heart, I think it’s a tragic love story in the making. My thoughts, and my eyes are stuck, his amazing baby blues entrance me. I’ve never forgotten how piercing they were. How is it possible we’re here right now?

  This damn day can’t come to an end fast enough for me. Who would have guessed that my best friend is with my ex-boyfriend? Nick’s hold on me hasn’t eased up, he’s emanating some serious anger towards the guy he thought was simply Ace, Liza’s boyfriend. But he’s not, he’s the guy who crushed my soul and spirit many years ago. I’m aware Micah is staring at me, and it unsettles me. This intense hold he has on me is frighteningly fierce. One of the many reasons I’ve avoided prolonged stares into his eyes… I’m afraid of what I may see in them. The way his body is shaking with tears streaming down his face, I think we all know what he is most likely feeling, and a part of me is hopeful for it.

  “Mind telling me why you have tears in your eyes?” Nick says to a somber faced Micah.

  Nick’s less than friendly question to Micah has Liza and me just as curious. I guess we’re all wondering why Micah is looking a bit lost. It’s his tears that are not so easily explained. Why is he crying? He seems just as bewildered as I am. My feelings toward Micah are one thing, and I’ve concluded he did not feel the same toward me since I have not seen or heard from him in years. He didn’t even explain why he broke it off to begin with.