Intergalactic Pain in the Ass

by Jaide Fox

  Hauk jolted to attention, looking around himself so quickly, he almost fell down with the wave of dizziness that washed over him. “What the hell?"

  The rustle of brush behind him startled him, and he whirled toward the threat, whipping his gun out and bracing his feet wide apart to balance himself.

  A half a dozen small creatures covered in short hair from head to foot emerged from the brush. He studied them wide-eyed for several moments. “Well hey there, little fellas. You wouldn't happen to have seen a naked woman running around here now, would you? Did you frighten her away?” he said with a chuckle.

  It was the last thing he remembered before pain exploded inside his head.

  Hauk woke with a groan. He wasn't certain whether it was his throbbing head or the sensation of motion that made him want to puke his guts out. It took a strenuous effort to will the sickness away. In the end, pain superseded all else, and he opened his eyes.

  The first thing he discovered was that he was looking up at the sky. Completely disoriented, he stared blankly at the tops of the trees for several moments before he realized that his arms and legs were hurting because he was tied to a pole. His ass was burning because the short little bastards that were carrying him weren't tall enough to hold him off the ground.

  He began struggling to free himself and managed to shake their grip loose. He knew this, because he landed on the ground and the pole hit him in the head.

  When he came to the second time, the sky had begun to darken. Around him, he heard dozens of the little bastards muttering to each other. One sound, however, was completely out of place. Somebody was groaning, and he didn't think it was him.

  Peering around with an effort, Hauk discovered that his group of captors had converged with another group of hunters. Some little distance away, he could see Cole trussed as he was no doubt trussed, a long pole between her ankles and wrists as two more of the furry little bastards carried her. She was also naked. He tried not to think about that.

  He tried really, really hard not to think about that.

  "Cole!” he called out. “Are you okay, baby?"

  "No, I'm not okay, dammit!” she snapped, glaring at him across the distance.

  It was just as well she was pissed off, Hauk reflected, otherwise, she might have noticed the slip. But despite everything, he realized that he was infinitely relieved to discover that she was still able to be so pissed off.

  "Where do you think they're taking us?” Cole asked, sounding more subdued now.

  "I don't know,” Hauk replied. “But don't worry about it. I'm sure Sylo and Fuzz will be along any minute to rescue us."

  "I hate to be a wet blanket,” Cole said, “But we've been walking for hours and hours. If they were going to rescue us, don't you think they could've done it by now?"

  Hauk felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, remembering the brew in Sylo's hand as he left. “I'm sure they're just waiting for the right moment,” he lied hopefully. “Not that we need them. Sooner or later they're going to have to untie us, then we'll make a break for it."

  "I've got no circulation in my arms or legs,” Cole pointed out. “I don't think I'll be in any condition to run any time soon."

  Hauk was wishing he had no circulation in his ass. He had friction burn, and he was fairly certain he'd picked up a couple of splinters too. It was becoming increasingly difficult to get his mind off the pain.

  It was almost with a sense of relief that he caught a glimpse of first one and then another crude fire. Obviously, they'd reached a village of some sort, though he couldn't see any dwellings. It was pretty dark though, but the creatures had slowed down. Soon, they were bound to take them loose from the poles they'd used to carry them.

  "I hope we're not on the menu for dinner tonight,” Cole said.

  Until that moment, it hadn't occurred to Hauk that they might be. “You're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?” he snapped irritably.

  "I don't suppose you have your weapon with you?"

  Hauk glanced around his body without much hope. “Uh. I left it at the camp,” he lied, not wanting to admit that these knee high creatures had disarmed him and tied him to the pole.

  Dozens more of the nasty little things crowded around as they were set down in the middle of the village, all shrieking and gesturing. They were untied and the poles were removed.

  Hauk groaned as sensation began to return to his arms and legs. Before he could feel any real relief, however, his arms were seized and two of the creatures began to drag him across the clearing. Hauk gritted his teeth as two more grasped his ankles, lifted him off the ground, and dropped him into some sort of pen, or a cage, made of poles. Cole was thrown in on top of him, and the top was closed and tied.

  Several moments passed, and then they felt the cage being lifted slowly until it was completely off the ground, twisting slightly. If there'd been room to fall down, Hauk had no doubt that he would've, unfortunately, the cage they'd been locked in was barely big enough for the two of them to stand, nose to nose. Or, more accurately, since Cole was a good bit shorter than him, with her nose somewhere in the vicinity of his breastbone.

  Cole twisted her head and looked up at him. “Okay, so let's hear this plan of yours. Now, how was it that we were supposed to escape?"

  Chapter Five

  "Master” twisted his chin and glared down at her over one cheek bone. “I have to assess the situation first, don't I?"

  "Uh huh,” she said doubtfully, oozing sarcasm without words.

  He looked around. At a little distance from where they were, a similar cage built of poles was suspended by a twine rope from the limb of a tree. Inside was a creature somewhat similar to the screaming demons that had captured them, except that this creature was even taller than he was.

  With an effort, he twisted his head and looked up. A sense of relief flooded through him when he realized that their cage suspended from a limb the same as the other captive.

  "Simple,” he said. “These are primitives. This cage is just poles tied together with twisted vines and hung from a limb, on a rope made of twisted vines. All we need to do is jump up and down and something's got to give."

  "Exactly how am I supposed to jump up and down? I can hardly breathe in here with you. Besides, it seems to me these vines must be pretty strong, and the tree limb too, otherwise they wouldn't have been able to hoist us up here to begin with."

  Sharmin sighed. “Do you want to escape or would you rather just complain? Maybe they'll get tired of listening to you and just let us go."

  Cole would've glared at him except that she doubted that he could see her face. She contented herself with giving him a threatening nip with her teeth.

  "Ow!” he exclaimed indignantly. “What was that for?"

  "As if you didn't know."

  "This isn't going to get us anywhere. Are you going to try or not?"

  "You mean me? I'm supposed to jump up and down and get us out of here? You're twice my size. Don't you think it would be better if you did the jumping?"

  "Well my head is practically against the top of this thing already. Just how high do you think I can jump?"

  With an effort, Cole twisted her head so that she could look upwards. He was right, although she hated to admit it. There couldn't have been more than six inches of clearance between the top of his head and the top of the cage.

  "All right,” she said irritably. “I'll try.” Cole began bouncing up and down. The cage began a slow upwards and downwards movement in direct opposition to her attempts. Her breasts jounced along his chest.

  Hauk gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the jiggling globes of flesh. Try though he might, however, he simply could not close his mind to the fact that she was rubbing her bare naked body all over him. He groaned. “Stop. You're killing me."

  "What?” Cole asked irritably.

  "It's my ass,” Hauk lied. “They dragged me all the way here, and I think I've got splinters in it."

  "Well if it's your
ass that's hurting,” Cole said, “why is your cock digging into my belly."

  Hauk glared down at her. “Never mind,” he said. “I don't think that's going to do it anyway. I'll lift you up and drop you."

  "What so you can impale me on that tree limb that's trying to dig a hole in my belly already?"

  "Do you think you can get your mind off sex for just five seconds?"

  "I can if you can,” she said. “The question is, can you?"

  Hauk concentrated with all his might. Finally, he felt his engorged member relaxing. He gave her a look of triumph.

  She gave him a look that said she was not impressed. With an effort, he slipped his hands beneath her armpits, trying to ignore the soft breasts pressed against his palm on either side. “Now, I'm going to lift you up,” he said with a dry mouth, sweat popping out on his brow as he felt his cock growing hard once more. He thought that either she wouldn't notice, or she'd have the courtesy to pretend she hadn't. No such luck.

  "I've got a better idea,” she said. “Why don't you just lift me to the top so I can chew through?"

  "This is no time for levity,” he gritted out, discovering that it was harder to lift her straight up than he would've thought. His position, however, prevented him from using anything except his arm muscles.

  Arms straining, he held her aloft for several moments. “All right, I'm going to let you go now! Ready? One, two, three!” He released his grip on her. Her collision with his distended cock almost made him pass out.

  "If you puke on me,” Cole threatened, “I swear to god I'll make you regret it."

  "Nothing,” Hauk said with an effort, “could make me regret being in this cage with you more than I do at the moment."

  "Look on the bright side,” she pointed out. “I don't think your erection is going to be a problem for us any time soon. I'm ready to try again if you are. You know, I think I actually heard some crackling and snapping that time."

  "It was my cock,” Hauk said. “I think I might be seriously injured."

  "Quit being such a baby and lift me up again."

  "Not on your life, lady. Anyway, I don't think I can at the moment. I'm just going to rest here a few minutes."

  Cole turned her attention to the teddy bears, who were very busy building a huge bonfire entirely too close to where they were at for her comfort. “Don't rest too long. I think those furry little bastards have something very nasty in mind."

  The cage was still twisting slightly, and Hauk strained to get a view of what their captors were up to. He was inclined to agree with Cole. Things weren't looking very well. He was still feeling more than a little bit ill, but he decided waiting around for Fuzz and Sylo to rescue them wasn't an option. “Okay, I'm going to try jumping."

  "This'll be fun,” Cole said sarcastically.

  At about that moment, Hauk realized that there was no way in hell he was going to be able to jump straight up. “Okay, I'm going to lift you up again. I want you to hold on to the poles overhead. Whatever you do, do not let go."

  It took far more of an effort this time to lift her up, but since Cole lifted her arms and reached for the poles, he didn't have to lift her quite so high. The downside of that was that once he had her dangling like a piece of fruit, her breasts were practically in his face, and despite it's earlier wound, his serpent came out of hiding and began sniffing around for the treat at the end of that succulent piece of flesh.

  "For federation's sake, don't let go!” he gritted out. Lifting his arms and gripping the poles as Cole had, he drew his weight up as far as he could, held himself aloft for a couple of seconds, and then dropped. The alarming/encouraging sound of breaking wood greeted their ears. The cage dipped a good two feet towards the ground and then bounced upwards again. The second downward descent shook Cole loose, and her and Hauk landed in a tangle of arms and legs in the bottom of the cage.

  One thigh landed over his shoulder. Hauk's nose rooted her cleft. Cole smacked him on the top of the head. “Do you never think of anything but sex?"

  "Hardly ever, especially when it's in my face!"

  With a great effort, they disentangled themselves from each other. As long as Hauk was in the bottom of the cage already, he thought it might be easier to lift Cole up to grip the bars again from down there. Besides, he wasn't certain he could stand up. “I'm going to lift you up again. I figure once, maybe two more times and we'll break this thing."

  Cole refrained from comment. Instead, gripping as high up on the poles as possible, she balanced herself as Hauk grasped her legs and pushed her upwards. When she'd managed to grip the poles, Hauk struggled to come upright once more. In the tight space, his cheek slid up her bare belly.

  Cole glanced at him suspiciously, but really, the space was so small, it was hard to tell whether he was doing it on purpose or not. From the glare he gave her when he gripped the bars at last, she decided that maybe he wasn't trying to seduce her after all.

  Taking several deep breaths to gather his nerve to use his body as a battering ram once more, Hauk finally released his grip and landed on the bottom of the cage. Again, the impact bent the limb that was holding them, sending the cage towards the ground. This time, the cage came within a couple of feet of actually striking the ground.

  Cole was heartened until it occurred to her that the harder the downward force, the harder the upward force was going to be when the tree snapped back. She locked her arms around the pole, bracing herself the best she could. When the cage shot upwards, she smacked against the top of the cage and lost her grip.

  Hauk caught her tightly against him as the cage dipped once more. Before it could begin its second upward jounce, the beloved sound of two rapidly fired lasers sang in their ears. All around them, the demonic little bears screamed, scattering towards the forest.

  A well placed laser blast cut the vines that held their cage. The cage struck the ground and tipped over, and Cole landed on top of Hauk. The door of the cage was jerked upwards, and one hand gripped Cole's upper arm, dragging her out before he had time to enjoy the feel of her sprawled on top of him in abandon.

  Hauk, winded by the fall and Cole's impact on top of him, climbed out with an effort. “What took you so long?” he snarled at Sylo.

  "You're welcome,” Sylo said with a grin. “What do you think about the other captive? Take him or leave him?"

  "We can't leave the poor thing to their tender mercies. Cut him down."

  Sylo took careful aim and shot the vines holding the cage in the air. The creature screamed like a woman as its cage hurtled toward the ground and burst open. Groaning, the creature staggered to its feet and rushed toward them ... and passed them, racing for the woods in the opposite direction from which the small hairy beasts had disappeared.

  Cole and Hauk followed him with Sylo at their heels, laying down fire. He was yelling for Fuzz, who'd chased after the little beasts, firing wildly. The urgency of his voice finally penetrated Fuzzy's bloodlust, apparently, for Fuzz turned and followed them.

  Cole was at a disadvantage. Not only was she naked, but she wasn't nearly as tall as any of the others. Within moments, the others began to outdistance her. Gritting her teeth, she poured more effort into it. To her relief, however, Sharmin cast a glance back and stopped abruptly. Swinging around, he ran at her full tilt, scooped her over his shoulder, then turned and took off after the others.

  They'd been running through the woods for a little while when a horde of great, shaggy beasts stepped out from the surrounding woods. Sharmin stopped abruptly, and Cole had the unnerving feeling there were more ahead of them ... staring at her blinding white behind that was surely glowing in the near darkness.

  Sharmin gripped one cheek in a protective gesture. Cole squirmed until she'd freed the cleft of her buttocks from his encroaching fingers, and smacked him on the back of the head. He grunted and set her on her feet without a word. Cole hid beneath Sharmin's hair, trying to cover herself while she looked around.

  Sure enough, they were surro
unded. The creatures were huge, standing probably eight feet tall at the least. Their arms and legs were extremely long and meaty—thick—and they were covered in brownish, grayish hair everywhere except for most of their faces, which had soft, wrinkled skin around the eyes and mouth, and a black button of a nose like a cat or bear. They looked a lot like some kind of primate. In fact, they reminded her a lot of fake pictures of Sasquatch or the Abominable Snowmen, except Fuzz looked more like the Abominable Snowman, and these creatures were a lot cuter than any of the “pictures” she'd seen of Big Foot.

  Cole felt really, really naked with all this hair around.

  One of the Sasquatch stepped forward—a leader of some type. “We sure are glad you all came,” he said in a deep, soft spoken voice.

  They stared at him, dumbstruck.

  "You speak the universal language?” Hauk exclaimed, catching his voice first.

  "Of course. We're not primitives,” he said with a chuckle. “I am Ug. I thank you for freeing our brother nagy, Yugy. We'd been watching the whoopi village for some time trying to decide what to do when the others of your group came and freed him."

  "Uh. You're welcome,” Hauk said, trying to not look as uncomfortable as he felt.

  "Is there something we can do for you?"

  "We're trying to get back to my ship,” Sylo said.

  The nagy nodded. “We've seen it. You're going in the wrong direction."

  Hauk punched Sylo's shoulder before turning attention back to the nagy. “We'd appreciate your help finding it."

  He nodded. “We'll show you a short cut."

  * * * *

  "Dammit! I'm going to squash all those little bastards when I get my hands back on the refractor crystal,” Sylo growled, kicking the dirt and slapping the open panel to swinging back and forth.

  Cole adjusted her jumpsuit, itching to pull the butt munching thing off, but thankful to be covered again regardless. “Can't we take off without it?” she asked with little hope, knowing that whatever it was, it had to be important. She couldn't help herself though.