Lord Harrow's Heart

by Susan M. Baganz

  ~*~

  Valeria had mixed emotions as she prepared for her wedding day to Lord Harrow. Dartanian was excited that he was getting a new father and she truly believed Theo would be a wonderful role model for her son. They were frequently found together and Dartanian was already calling him Père.

  Theo was regaining his strength. As his appetite returned he was starting to fill out and the gauntness in his face was gone. His eyes twinkled when he looked at her and she wished they were also promising her delights ahead. She had been shocked that he mentioned a mariage de convenance.

  After the kisses they’d shared, why would he agree to a marriage where he would never bed her? She never thought that she would want to sleep with a man but something told her that with Lord Harrow in her bed, there would be no abuses, only gentle love and stoked passion. She pondered at night what it would be like to lay in his arms and awaken in the morning with him beside her. It felt like rejection that they would not share a bed or those intimacies. Would he be seeking that elsewhere? The very thought made her boil with jealousy, but she had no right to make demands when he was being so generous to her and her son.

  Regardless of her concerns she tried to spend time with Theo every day, in the company of their friends. He treated her with courtesy and gave her warm smiles. Gone were the innuendos and flirtations that marked their trip north. He was all that was polite and kind. It made her want to cry.

  ~*~

  The day was fast approaching, and they had not spent any time alone together. Theo seemed to take particular pains to ensure they had no private conversation. The three weeks passed quickly, and tomorrow was the day they would wed in the chapel on Rose Hill.

  “Are you experiencing any bridal nerves?” Josie asked as they waited for the men to join them after their port.

  “I’ve already been married. No jitters.” Valeria played with her skirt. She’d changed her dresses to add colors more flattering to her. She had put off mourning. She wished to entice one man who seemed suddenly immune to her charms.

  “You appear downpin. The past few days you have rarely smiled.” Katrina reached out to touch Valeria’s arm.

  “This is not quite the marriage I envisioned,” Valeria said.

  “But I thought you loved Theo?” Beth asked.

  Their conversation was interrupted by the men entering the room, led by Theo himself. He stopped and stared at her. His eyes looked like the softest grey. He didn’t smile or wink as before. He gave her a nod, went to the sideboard, and poured a drink.

  She wondered if he had heard her comment and wished she had kept her mouth shut. Their marriage was between the two of them. There was no need to bring his friends into it or on her side.

  A megrim was beginning. Valeria begged to be excused and went to her suite. She barred the door and knelt before the heat of the fire to pour out her heart to God. What had she done?

  ~*~

  “This is not quite the marriage I envisioned,” she had said.

  Theo had listened to the words and the weariness in her voice. He knew she didn’t want to be married but he had thought he was making it as easy as possible for her to live with her decision. What more could he do?

  What hurt more than anything was that she didn’t love him. She only needed him to protect Dartanian’s inheritance. She would have never considered marrying him otherwise. It did not bother him too much that he had no immediate heir to pass along his inheritance. A distant cousin living in America would inherit should anything happen to him and he’d already made generous provision for Valeria should he perish even now before the wedding. Perhaps he should offer her that?

  No. That would not work because Dartanian deserved the estates and wealth that were part of his title. Without that he would not be respected in school. The young man should not lose all that only to be supported by a family friend. Lady St. John would be maligned as well should the truth of her fortunes be made known. Even if his name were not attached they would assume she had been someone’s fancy piece and she would be subject to further abuses. No, only marriage provided a safe place for her to raise her son. She may not want his heart or his body, but at least he could give her that.

  The brandy burned down his throat. He almost wished he’d not survived that late night ride and tumble over the hedge. He wished he could turn his heart off or lock it away but only Valeria held the key and she didn’t even want it.

  What kind of man was he that a woman could not love or desire him? He did not want to marry for his title or wealth and yet, here he was on the eve of his wedding, sighing over the fact that this was exactly what he was doing. However, in any other marriage he would at least be compensated by some pleasures.

  He saw the difference marriage had made in Marcus, Phillip, and Michael’s lives. He knew it went beyond the bedroom, but he feared that he would never be able to enjoy the kind of intimacy he desired with his wife if that were not also part of the mix. He could not turn that part of his body off now that Lady St. John had lit the flame. He slammed his drink.

  Marcus put a hand on his shoulder. “Come to my study, Theo.”

  Theo followed him to his inner sanctum.

  Once the door closed Marcus motioned Theo to a set of chairs in front of the fire that was blazing cheerily in the grate. “You are getting married tomorrow and yet you do not seem happy about it. I thought you loved Lady St. John. This marriage was what you desired all along.”

  “Right. I’m not being married for the sake of my title and wealth. I’m not being married because of my rugged good looks.”

  Marcus laughed at that and so did Theo.

  “I’m being married because I am tolerable, available, and I love her enough that I would do anything to make her happy.”

  “This marriage will not make you happy, Theo?”

  “If anything, it will push me beyond the limits of my already strained self-control.”

  Marcus smiled. “Theo, that’s the beauty of marriage. You do not need to keep those desires on a tight leash all the time anymore.”

  Theo stared at his friend. “Perhaps in a normal marriage. She didn’t want to marry. She was horribly abused, Marcus, by her husband, and her father-in-law, and I suspect others like Lord Wolton, who is still at large. She is only seeking the sanctuary of a wedding certificate to protect herself and Dartanian.”

  “So, there is nothing in this for you?” Marcus frowned.

  “I get a lovely hostess and a son. I will strive to be content with that. Since I’ve never had the ‘experience’ some men have had I do not know what I am missing. That should make it easier, right?”

  “You will leave your bride untouched?”

  Theo nodded. “Even if it kills me.”

  “If that doesn’t, she might.” Marcus grinned.

  Theo frowned and raised an eyebrow. “You believe I’m in danger of being murdered?”

  “Quite possibly. That woman looks at you like my wife looks at me when she wants more than to talk. I would assume that she wants a full marriage, Theo.”

  “She agreed to a mariage de convenance. I will not break that vow.”

  “Your vows tomorrow will include to worship her with your body.”

  Theo blushed. “I will fulfill that by restraining myself and honoring her wishes.”

  “What if her wishes change?”

  “I doubt they would, given all she has been through.”

  “But what if you are the man God gave her to help her heal those wounds from the past?” Marcus rose and went to the door. “Think about it, Theo. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Theo sat in the study for a long time. Thinking brought no satisfactory conclusion so he rose and sought his bed. Tomorrow he was getting married. For better or for worse.

  ~*~

  Valeria surveyed herself in the full mirror on a stand in the corner of her bedroom. Her hair was swept up with pink flowers and loose curls artistically put there by Josie’s maid, Molly. Her dress was a d
eep blue with pink and white accents. The color and cut flattered her tall figure. She loved the fact that she did not tower over Theo. Would he think she was attractive?

  She sighed. No magical wedding night for her but oh, how she wished she could get him to change his mind. Perhaps he really thought she was resistant to passion? She had turned him down often enough, even outright refusing his first marriage proposal.

  He understood now the horrors she had been subjected to, or at least a hint of them. Maybe he found the thought of bedding her repulsive because of that? She had felt like damaged goods but until Theo had heard the truth from Lord Diamonte’s lips, he had generally been affectionate, even passionate in his pursuit of her.

  At first, she’d been offended. Until that first kiss. Then it all changed. She had never felt with her whole being as she did when his lips touched hers. No one had ever awakened passion in her. No one had ever treated her as precious and treasured.

  When Theo heard the truth, he’d turned cold and distant. Yet he had saved her life. He had called out her name in his sleep and delirium and professed his love. But now, he was distant again.

  She pinched her cheeks. It was her wedding day and not a time to dwell on something she could not change. She was marrying a good man. One she admired and loved. Even if he withheld himself from her, she could never be safer than under his protection. And Dartanian needed a father like Theo. She sucked in a deep breath, let it out, and put on her gloves.

  A knock came to the door.

  She opened it to find Michael standing there. He looked her over and whistled. “Wow, Val, you are stunning. If I weren’t already married and a few inches taller...” He grinned and winked at her.

  Valeria patted his cheek. “Thank you, Michael. Katrina is a fortunate woman to have you.”

  Michael whispered, “Has she told you that?”

  She grinned as she placed her hand on his forearm. “No. She didn’t need to. Her eyes say it all when she looks at you.”

  Michael stood up a little straighter. “Shall we take you to your groom?”

  Valeria nodded, and they departed the mansion down the stone path towards the chapel.

  The small entry to the chapel was dark, but when she entered the main room where their friends and Dartanian sat, she was enchanted by the stone and wood building and the high windows letting in the morning sun.

  Theo stood at the front with the minister. The sun appeared to be focused directly on him making his sandy brown hair look almost golden. She caught his gaze and one corner of his mouth rose in half a smile. His gaze twinkled letting her know he admired her.

  “Are you ready?” Michael asked as he stood beside her.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  They stepped down the aisle to a sweet violin melody played by Josie.

  Valeria reached the front and stood side by side with Theo for the vows. Both said their words firmly and without hesitation. She wondered how he could promise to honor her with his body as he placed his signet ring on her finger. She trembled for wanting to be closer to him.

  The minister announced their marriage and that they were man and wife.

  She placed her hand on Theo’s arm and his muscle tremored as he escorted her through their friends and back to the house for a celebratory luncheon. Toasts were made, and words of congratulations offered. Valeria did not have much of an appetite. Before she realized it she was back in her suite and changing into her traveling gown.

  She looked forward to sharing a carriage with her husband. She might be able to coax a kiss out of him in the privacy of the enclosed coach.

  She entered the coach with the well-wishes of their friends ringing in her ears but of Theo there was no sign.

  The door opened again.

  “Are you comfortable, my lady?” Theo asked, dressed in a greatcoat and less formal attire than previously

  “I am well. Will you be joining me?”

  “I will be driving the carriage. I hesitated to borrow any more of Marcus’s staff than necessary. He has already done so much for us. If we are fortunate we’ll be in Aylesbury tonight.” With a nod, he set his hat on his head, closed the door, and through the window she saw his legs vanish as he ascended to the driver’s seat. “Ha!”

  The carriage jerked and moved forward.

  Valeria sat alone with her longing.

  ~*~

  It took great restraint to not ask for a groom to handle his carriage. He knew Marcus would have gladly lent one. He had even offered. Marcus had frowned when Theo had declined and insisted on driving his own carriage to Hartview.

  A second carriage contained Dartanian, Watkins, and Mary, the young maid hired to care for the young lad.

  Theo relished the strain and muscle required to manage the team and the jostling of the seat beneath him. He would arrive in Alyesbury too exhausted to even consider acting on any urges she unwittingly stirred in him.

  He had almost stopped breathing when she entered the small chapel that morning. Her eyes were dark, her hair like honey, and the blue dress accentuated her every womanly curve.

  They were only on the road for a few hours when they reached the King’s Head in Alyesbury.

  Theo assisted Valeria from the carriage. They entered the inn and he arranged for a private parlor for their meal, and rooms for the night. Dartanian joined them for dinner.

  The little tyke was tired from the day. He still sat in Theo’s lap to have a story told after their quiet meal. Valeria’s eyes drooped, and they seemed a duller brown. She didn’t smile and he he was probably the reason. But this was what she’d wanted. Dartanian’s inheritance saved. He had accomplished that. As much as he wanted a real marriage, he would not take advantage of his position as her legal husband to claim rights he had promised her he would never pursue.

  As he undressed for bed in his solitary room, he wondered if Valeria would ever change her mind. And if she did, would he be confident enough with this lack of experience to think he could please her? Sure, he had heard tales from other men on what women liked, but he hadn’t personally navigated a woman’s body to understand how to bring her pleasure which many had asserted was of utmost importance. Theo shook his head as he crawled under the cold blankets. Today he had become a married man and assumed responsibility for two human lives. Cold comfort as he shivered alone before drifting to sleep.

  ~*~

  The next two days were filled with loneliness. Valeria watched the scenery go by. Occasionally Dartanian joined her in her carriage full of excitement over the adventure and his pleasure over having a new papa. But he didn’t stay with her for long because he was afraid Mittens would be lonely in the other carriage.

  Theo held her son at night and told him stories. Her heart weakened when Theo tucked Dartanian into bed and pray over him with his deep but gentle voice. She wanted those same strong arms to be holding her and that deep voice to be whispering in her ear.

  She went to her lonely bed each night filled with longing and wondering how she could disabuse Theo of his understanding of what she really wanted in this marriage.

  She was entranced as they drove into the gates of Hartview and she once again saw the palladium style place that she would now call home, at least until they went down to London for the season. She wished they would be able to stay here and enjoy some tranquility. Attending events in London as a Marchioness did not appeal to her, although being able to see the fury in Mr. Fishbottom’s face when she would next encounter him might be worth it. That thought was not very Christian of her.

  Had they not fired her she might have eventually found herself raped by the florid, short man and she would have missed getting better acquainted with Lord Harrow. She would still have been running and hiding from Lord Diamonte.

  It was hard to realize that her son was now Lord Diamonte. Such a heavy moniker for such a little boy. She worried about the satanic heritage that came with it. She was being dramatic in that.

  Lord Diamonte and his
cohort, Lord Wolton, worshipped the devil and acted like him on many occasions. At times, they had power that went beyond the natural realm of life and she found that terrifying. Even with Lord Diamonte banished to France, she wasn’t totally at ease. After all, Lord Wolton was still at large.

  She shivered, but not from the cold. She gazed out the window as the honey-hued building, basking in the sunset, welcomed her and gave her an illusory promise of safety.

  Would she be safe? Would Dartanian? She trampled down the fears waging in her soul. Regardless of the misunderstanding that led to distance from her now-husband, Theodore would do everything in his power to keep them safe.

  But would it be enough?

  15

  Theo pulled the carriage up to the front of his home and threw the reins down to a waiting stable hand. He jumped off his lofty perch and let down the stairs. He opened the carriage door and reached in to take the hand of his wife. Wife. In name only, but still his. She clasped his hand and a wave of warmth traveled through his gloves. She descended with graceful beauty and his heart slammed into his ribcage. She was his wife. His wife. He licked his lips and gave her a grin. “Welcome home, Lady Harrow.”

  The smile she gave him made him want to do whatever it took to make her smile like that again. He escorted her up the steps. She had been here before on their journey north, but now he would introduce her not as a guest—but as the lady of the manor.

  As they entered, the staff assembled in the foyer and he introduced her to each servant. It was a bit of a stretch for him because he rarely spent time here in recent years. His housekeeper, Mrs. Brown, had to assist at times with the names of some of the lower maids and footmen.