On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  “They’re getting it on in front of you right now, aren’t they?” she sent back.

  I reached out and lowered the screen partially so that I could see over it. Evan and Riley were sitting just a few feet away on the other couch in my living room. They’d come over to watch a movie. We were three weeks into them testing the waters, and I was losing patience faster than I’d thought possible.

  “Cuddling,” I typed back to Vanessa.

  Which they were. Evan had his arm around Riley and she was huddled into his side. They had a blanket over them, and I was watching them like a hawk to ensure none of their hands disappeared under it. I didn’t know most of the details of the inner-workings of their sort-of-a-relationship yet, and I certainly had no intention of finding out.

  “That’s not even that bad. Chill,” Vanessa sent back, and I logged off with a dismissive scoff, shutting my laptop down completely. She couldn’t understand.

  Evan and Riley weren’t meant to be EvanandRiley. That much was clear to me, now that I’d had more time to think about the idea. They just… didn’t fit right. And besides, it was very possible that regardless of how Riley felt about him, if I’d have told her not to date Evan, she’d have turned him down immediately, out of respect for our three-way friendship. So they were only really together on account of my blessing. Kayla giveth, and Kayla taketh away.

  Evan caught my eye and smiled at me – or positively beamed, more like – and I forced a smile back, then slouched down slightly in my chair. I was reminded of why I couldn’t retract my blessing: because Evan was in actual paradise. And as much as I hated to admit it, Riley didn’t seem miserable.

  And technically, they weren’t all that bad about PDA, if I was perfectly honest. I knew I was being overly sensitive. Even their handholding made me shudder when it caught me off-guard. I’d never even seen them kiss, let alone anything worse than that. It was almost like most of the differences in how they’d been as friends and how they were as a couple were either subtle or totally in my head.

  But knowing that didn’t really help me feel any better.

  When the movie was over, Evan yawned, stretched, and then got to his feet. “That was good.” He turned to Riley. “Ready to go?”

  “Actually, she was gonna stay the night,” I cut in. We’d planned this sleepover two weeks in advance, actually, just to ensure that Riley still spent a comparable amount of time with me to what she spent with Evan. Riley looked to me, alarmed, and then back to Evan.

  “Oh, man. I totally forgot. Kayla, Evan and I were gonna go bowling.”

  “You can come too!” Evan added eagerly, but the hand he raised to awkwardly rub at the back of his head made it even more obvious that they hadn’t planned on me joining them.

  “No,” Riley corrected, “I should stay with Kayla. I promised her first.”

  “No, no, no,” I insisted, waving them away. I could take the good friend bullet. I’d been doing it a lot lately, anyway. “You guys go without me. Have your date thing or whatever.”

  Evan looked to Riley like he expected her to accept my offer, but she shook her head emphatically. “You’re not getting rid of me. Evan, we can do it another night.”

  “You sure?” he asked, and I could tell he was disappointed.

  “Yeah. Next weekend, okay?” She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, and avoided my eyes afterward, still clearly uncomfortable with kissing him in front of me. Or maybe with kissing him at all. A part of me unabashedly hoped it was the latter. “See you tomorrow.”

  “See you. Both of you,” he added and waved goodbye to me.

  Riley look absolutely mortified by the time the front door had shut behind him. “Oh my god. I’m that friend. I’m so sorry.”

  “You’re not that friend,” I sighed out. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve never dated before. You should’ve gone with him.”

  “No way. I promised you first, and you’re my friend, too.”

  “Evan’s not your friend, Riley,” I reminded her. “He’s officially been elevated.”

  “Is that really how it works?” she asked. “What if I don’t want to choose him over you?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess you have to find a balance.”

  “Okay, and I did. You tonight and him some other time.” She walked to me and tugged me to her, and then, to my surprise, wrapped me up in a tight hug. “Don’t let me do that again, okay? You’re going way too easy on me.”

  “I was way worse with Josh,” I reminded her.

  “Yeah, but you guys…” she began, and then shook her head and released me. “Evan and I are different.”

  “But good?” I asked her, curious.

  “Different,” she repeated, glancing over her shoulder like she was worried she’d be overheard.

  “What does that mean? It’s not good?” I felt bad for getting a little giddy at the idea, and then even worse when I remembered Evan beaming at me just half an hour ago.

  “No, it’s, I mean… he’s nice,” she told me eagerly, but then her smile faded and she let go of my hand. “Anyway, let’s do something. We should find another movie to watch.”

  I followed her – somewhat grudgingly – up to my bedroom to watch our second movie in there on my laptop. I sensed there was something she wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t want to pressure her to say it, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know what it was. Maybe there was a good reason for her to keep it from me.

  We turned on the movie and sprawled out on my bed, both of us wearing pajamas from my dresser drawers, and I settled in beside her to watch, our arms pressed together between us. My bedroom felt a little warmer than usual.

  “Have you still been talking to Josh?” she asked me quietly after a few minutes. I was surprised by the question, but I didn’t show it.

  “Yeah, a little. We still eat lunch at the same table. But it’s kind of weird now. At least we don’t hate each other or anything, I guess.”

  There was a long silence as we watched Jennifer Gardner’s character wander around her apartment on my laptop screen, and then Riley asked, “Do you think it’d be like that with me and Evan?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, eager to talk about anything but Evan right now. Even silence was preferable. “No idea.”

  “Do you want us to break up?”

  “Stop,” I scoffed. “C’mon, this is just getting good. Mark Ruffalo’s gonna show up soon.”

  “That wasn’t an answer.”

  “Okay, here’s one: no, now can we talk about anything other than Evan?”

  “Sorry,” she mumbled, and I sighed.

  “No, I’m sorry. I’m just having a rough time dealing with the whole Josh thing. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” It wasn’t entirely untrue.

  She reached out for my hand and cuddled up to me. “Well, we’re doing this special event thing at the skate park later this week after school. It’s just a bunch of us showing off, basically. It’s super casual. You should come watch.”

  I knew without asking that Evan was coming too and considered turning her down. Then I wondered how I’d so quickly let myself start to actively avoid Riley and Evan when they were together. Before, I’d been well aware that they spent more time with each other than they did with me, but that’d been okay. We’d all still been best friends, and I’d also had an entirely different set of friends to keep me busy.

  Now I was out a boyfriend – something my mom was still pressing me for details about, nearly a month later – and the idea of hanging out with Riley and Evan simultaneously was anything but pleasant. And now it bothered me that they saw each other more than they saw me.

  “What day is your thing?” I asked her.

  “Wednesday.”

  “Okay,” I decided. I could suck it up for an afternoon. “I’ll come.”

  She grinned and squeezed me tight. “Thank you.” Then she leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek. That was new.

  I glanced
to her to see that she’d already turned to face the movie on my laptop again, and so I mimicked the action, watching Jennifer Gardner and Mark Ruffalo reconnect for the first time since childhood. I wondered if that’d be me and Riley one day: steadily growing apart until one day we’d just be old friends bumping into each other for a few seconds before we went back to our daily lives. Maybe I’d be an old friend but Evan would be her husband. The thought made my heart ache.

  I couldn’t lose Riley. I loved Evan dearly, but if I had to, I knew I’d choose her over him, and I knew he’d do the same. But what scared me was that I didn’t know who she’d choose.

  I wondered why I was so sure it was a choice she’d eventually have to make.

  ***

  Wednesday, Evan drove Riley and me to the skate park, and we sat with a group a few feet away from The Pit, a large hole in the ground filled with ramps and rails to skate on and over. Riley joined us to watch the first few skaters who were brave enough to show off in front of the crowd that’d gathered, and I told her, “That looks cute on you. You should wear them more often.”

  “What, this?” she asked, pointing to the gray beanie on her head. I nodded, and she grinned. “Thanks. I’ve had it since Christmas but I haven’t worn it. I’m trying to get some use out of it before it gets too hot.”

  “Well, it’s cute,” I repeated, not sure what else to say. She looked good. I hadn’t come here with her more than a few times, and each time she looked more and more at home. I liked seeing her in her element.

  “Glad you think so.”

  “I like your hair, though,” Evan commented from my other side. “That thing covers up like half your head.”

  “Well, good thing I don’t care what boys think,” Riley shot back, and I relaxed between them, grinning. Moments like these, where they bantered back and forth like they always had, gave me hope that maybe things could still be normal even if they were dating.

  “You don’t care what I think? But I’m your boyfriend.”

  My smile dropped. Evan was not in the mood for friendly banter, it seemed.

  “And Kayla has better fashion sense. She overrules you.”

  “Yes, I do.” I nudged her and gestured to The Pit while Evan sighed, and we actively made an effort to ignore him. “You should take a shot at it. Or is it too crowded?”

  “I don’t like skating in front of a lot of people,” Riley admitted. “Dylan and Brett kind of talked me into coming today. They’re right there.” She pointed to two boys I recognized, who were perched at the lip of The Pit, one foot on their boards. Even as I watched, one of them tipped his board forward and then went rolling down the ramp, where he pushed forward until he reached a rail. He jumped, taking the board with him, and slid along the rail for several feet before jumping down and sticking the landing.

  “Whoa,” I said, taken aback. “He’s really good.”

  “I can do that,” Riley told me. “When I’m by myself, at least.”

  “Why haven’t you ever shown me?” I asked. “Or anyone? It’s a total turn-on. Dylan and Brett should be all over you if they see you do this all the time.” Evan tensed up beside me and I didn’t acknowledge it.

  Neither did Riley, who laughed at what I’d said. “Yeah, right. A turn-on. Just like purple hair?”

  “I like your hair,” I said, and then pushed lightly at her leg. “Go! I wanna see.”

  “Me too,” added Evan, half-heartedly.

  “Alright. I’ll go. But when I embarrass myself you guys are taking me out to lunch or paying my medical bills… whichever is more of a necessity when I’m done here.”

  “Deal,” I agreed, and Evan raised his hand to his mouth to chew nervously at a fingernail. I grabbed at his wrist. “Stop that.”

  “I can’t. Nervous habit.”

  “I know, dummy, I’ve known you for ten years. Chill out; Riley’s been doing this for almost as long as you’ve known your multiplication tables.”

  “Remember that time I broke an arm on the school playground and he started hyperventilating?” Riley asked, and we shared a laugh at Evan’s expense while he reddened beside me.

  “Okay, I get it. I’ll calm down,” he muttered.

  “Good luck. But I’m sure you won’t need it,” I told Riley. She took off her beanie and tossed it to me, replacing it with a helmet. Then she laid her board down onto the ground, skated to the edge of The Pit, and without further ado, let herself drop down the side ramp. I noticed as she joined the other skaters that she was the only girl.

  But that wasn’t the only thing that made her stand out. She soared across to the ramp on the other side, gaining speed, then sped up the side of it at nearly a ninety-degree angle, got at least half a foot of air, and then twisted around, gripping her board with one hand, to drop back down the ramp and swing back around to the other side.

  One of the boys she’d pointed to earlier – Brett or Dylan, I wasn’t sure – stuck two fingers into his mouth and whistled at her. Evan and I exchanged impressed looks, his moodiness momentarily forgotten. She was awesome.

  “Did you know she could do that?” I asked him, and he shook his head.

  “No. I’m guessing you didn’t either?”

  “No clue.”

  “Jeez, what else isn’t she telling us?” Evan asked. We watched Riley skate over to the boy who’d whistled so she could high-five him. Then he wrapped an arm around her to pull her to him in a casual hug, and Evan added, “Do you think she dated him and just never told us?”

  “I’ve asked. Unless she lied to me, they’re just friends. And I don’t think she’d lie.”

  “I guess not.” He fell silent, but I could sense he was still a little uneasy. He was getting fidgety again.

  “A word of advice, Evan,” I told him. “Don’t get possessive. I’d dump you in an instant if you got possessive.”

  “Good thing Riley’s not you,” he mumbled, and I resisted the urge to respond. I managed to hold off for about two seconds.

  “Don’t be such a jerk. I helped you out with getting together with her, remember?”

  “That doesn’t mean you know everything. And you know, I don’t even get why you came. You aren’t into this.”

  “Oh, and you are?”

  “I’m into her. It’s basically the same thing. This was supposed to be something the two of us did together. She only invited you because you made her feel bad the other night.”

  “Are you kidding me right now?” I asked him, appalled. He stared straight ahead, refusing to look at me. “I told her to go bowling with you! She chose to stay and sleep over.”

  “I’m just saying, you don’t have to crash just for the sake of crashing. We aren’t gonna stop being friends with you just because we’re together. Loosen up.”

  “Oh, I’m the one who needs to loosen up. Okay.” I stood and threw Riley’s beanie at him. “Enjoy your date. God knows you two need more time alone without me; it’s not like you don’t get it every other day.”

  I stormed away and made it about one hundred feet before I realized I didn’t have a ride home. So instead, I paused, gritted my teeth, and fumed in place, angry with Evan and also with myself. The right thing to do had been to tell Riley how I really felt from the beginning. Now I felt like it was too late.

  “Kayla, wait.”

  I recognized Evan’s voice and tensed. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just super paranoid, okay?”

  I rounded on him to see him running a frustrated hand through his hair. “That’s no reason to take it out on me.”

  “I know. It’s just… I look at me, and I see this awkward, lanky guy whose best quality is that he’s good at math. And then I look at Riley. And I know that I’m the luckiest guy on earth to be her friend, let alone her boyfriend. It’s like it’s too good to be true. I’m looking over my shoulder wondering what’s gonna make it all come crashing down, and I need to remember that you’re not the enemy.”

  “No,
you need to remember that there is no enemy. You keep acting like this and you’ll deserve to be dumped,” I spat at him.

  “I know. Don’t go. Riley wouldn’t want us to fight, and neither do I.”

  “You started it,” I reminded him.

  “I know,” he repeated. “Please stay. You’re right. This is a fun thing for all of us, and I’m being an ass. It’s not my place to hog our friend. Even if I am dating her.” He watched me, silently pleading, as I stared back with my arms folded across my chest.

  At last, I told him, “You’re paying for my lunch, too.”

  “Done.”

  Grudgingly, I rejoined him, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, letting out a heavy breath. “I just feel like I’m on some prank show and any second now someone’s gonna jump out and reveal this was all a joke, you know?” he said. “This is just taking some getting used to.”

  “Yes, it certainly is,” I agreed stiffly, and shrugged his arm off my shoulder.

  Chapter Four

  I spent Josh’s graduation day at home alone, flicking through old pictures of the two of us on my phone. It’d been two months since our break-up, and the whole thing still felt like one big open wound in my chest.

  And it seemed likely that it was going to stay open for a while. Given that Riley and Evan weren’t exactly the best people to be around when I was feeling miserable about my old relationship, Vanessa was the obvious choice to help cheer me up. And she was going to be visiting family in France for the entirety of the summer, without even a cell phone to use to talk to me. Her parents didn’t want her racking up charges for international calls.

  That meant that I had no one but Riley and Evan to look forward to until my sister came home. And while they weren’t absolutely horrific to be around, they weren’t as fun as they’d used to be.

  For one: the past couple of weekends, we’d taken our movie-watching habit out of my house and to the movie theater. We saw two movies on two different weekends. During the first, I sat alone with my solo bucket of popcorn while my two best friends sat close together, shared their own bucket, and mostly ignored me, though that last past was kind of Evan’s fault. Riley always tried her best to spread the love when the three of us were together, but Evan wasn’t a great sharer.