On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  She exhaled sharply, her eyes on mine. She didn’t argue with me. She just said, “I thought there was a chance I wasn’t.”

  “I can’t be,” I insisted, letting her go and taking a step back. “I like boys.”

  “Maybe you like both,” said Riley very quietly, as though she didn’t want to offend me with the idea.

  I wasn’t offended, but I still didn’t want to hear it. Entertaining the idea of being gay was much easier, because I could tell myself I wasn’t until I was blue in the face and my arguments made sense. Trying to convince myself I wasn’t bisexual sounded a lot harder.

  But whatever I was, there was no denying that I was attracted to Riley. And I had absolutely no idea how I was supposed to handle that.

  “You should go,” I told her, “and we should pretend that this never happened.”

  “I can’t do that,” was her immediate reply. “And even if I did, it’s not like we could just forget.”

  “We could try.”

  “I don’t want to try,” insisted Riley.

  “Then just go!” I snapped, sure I was about to burst into tears. I couldn’t process so much information in such a short amount of time. My world was turned on its head. I liked Riley, and Riley liked me back, and she was dating the absolute worst person she could be, given the circumstances.

  “Calm down,” whispered Riley, giving my bedroom door a nervous glance.

  “Why should I?” I shot back. “You knew how you felt and you dated Evan anyway. How could you do that to him?”

  At that, Riley straightened up, angry. “You lied about being okay with it, remember? You told me you wanted me to go for it, and given the conversation we’re having right now, I think it’s safe to say you were never okay with it.”

  “I didn’t know what you knew,” I insisted. “I didn’t know that I felt…” Frustrated, I gestured back and forth between us. “This! I think it would’ve been a little bit of a stretch to predict this way back on Prom night.”

  “Exactly. I thought that if I was ever going to love a guy, it’d be Evan, and you were with Josh when I kissed him. And when you told me you wanted me to say yes to Evan, I did. By the time I knew I didn’t feel that way about him, it seemed better to just let him be happy, because it wasn’t like I was going to get to be with the person I wanted to be with anyway.” She let out a sigh and reached up to rub at her temples. “Can we just… stop blaming each other, and just figure out how we’re going to deal with this and what we’re going to do?”

  “You can’t date him anymore,” I pointed out. “And you can’t break his heart.”

  “Unfortunately, those two things are mutually exclusive.”

  “Well… then…” I paused and folded my arms across my chest, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know. It’s not right to keep leading him on, Riley. It’s not fair to him or to you. But… I’m confused, okay? I don’t want you to think that just because you end things with him…” I trailed off, hoping she’d understand, and the saddened look she gave me told me she did. “I just need to figure things out,” I insisted.

  There was a long silence, and then Riley took a deep breath. “I’m gonna go,” she told me. “Okay?”

  “Are you mad?” I asked her nervously.

  She shook her head. “No. How can I-” She paused, and then amended, “I’m just not mad. I actually, um… this kind of feels like a dream. And I just need to think. Away from you.” She reached out to touch my hand with hers, and then turned to leave my room. “I’ll, um… I’ll call you later? Or I’ll come over. I don’t know which yet. Or when.”

  “Okay,” I managed to get out, and then she was gone and the door was closed behind her. I blinked rapidly, trying to absorb what’d just transpired between us.

  As it all began to sink in, my brain finally managed to simplify what felt like a very complicated situation: Evan loved Riley. Riley loved me. And I…

  Well, I was very, very confused.

  ***

  Mom waited until our second movie was over and Nicole had announced that she was going to go watch Netflix on her laptop before she brought up Riley. As much as I’d hoped she’d forget to mention it, I realized that Riley had probably not been able to hide how upset she’d been when she’d left, and not much got past my mother when she was truly paying attention.

  “So Riley didn’t stay for long today,” was her opening line. She shifted next to me on the couch, facing me with her back against the armrest. The empty popcorn bowl rested between us as she asked, “Did you two have a fight?”

  “No, Mom,” I sighed out. “We’re fine.”

  “She looked pretty upset.” Mom paused, then shot me a knowing look. “Oh. Did she and Evan break up?”

  “No,” I repeated, but I was intrigued by the question. “Why would you think they broke up?”

  “Well…” Mom hesitated, and I raised both eyebrows, silently urging her to keep going. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t repeat this to either of them, because I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings, but I always thought it was a little strange that the two of them were dating.”

  “Why?” I sat up straighter, growing even more curious. Had my mom seen something even I’d been blind to? She’d watched the three of us grow up, after all.

  My insides went icy for a moment when I wondered if maybe she’d guessed that there was something between Riley and me. I had no clue how she’d react to me even kissing a girl, let alone dating one, and I wasn’t eager to find out.

  “Well, you and Riley were much closer to each other than you were to Evan growing up,” Mom told me, and I felt my heart begin to beat faster. “Which is typical of young girls, obviously. But he used to trail after the two of you like a lost puppy. It was very cute, but it was also very clear that neither of you were interested. And this is getting into your middle school years, too. I do recall him being very enamored with Riley, then, but never the other way around.” She looked thoughtful. “Things change once you reach dating age, though, I suppose. Sometimes the people you least expect make the best couples.”

  “Yeah,” I echoed, unable to look her in the eyes. “I guess they do.”

  ***

  My doorbell rang the following day, and I answered with butterflies in my stomach, certain it was going to be Riley.

  It wasn’t. Instead, it was Evan.

  He offered me a nervous smile and held up an eight-pack of Coke, my favorite soda. “Peace offering.”

  “You didn’t have to,” I told him. Just the sight of him made me feel guilty.

  “I wanted to. I know it seems like every other week we have issues, but I mean it this time. I’m turning over a new leaf. I guess… honestly, seeing you with Grace just freaked me out.”

  “Oh.” I stood in the doorway for a long moment, and then realized it’d be rude not to invite him in. I opened the door wider and he nodded thankfully, stepping inside and giving me room to close the door behind him.

  In the hand that wasn’t carrying the soda, he held what I assumed was a DVD case until he showed it to me. “It’s a computer game that just came out last year,” he explained. “I know you don’t love video games, but this one doesn’t involve a lot of skill. It’s more about exploring the world, and the graphics are really cool. I thought I’d show it to you. The installation shouldn’t take long, and I’ll demonstrate it if you want.”

  “That sounds like a great idea,” I agreed, offering him a smile. He grinned back at me, relieved.

  “Awesome.”

  We went upstairs to my room together and, much to my disappointment, he continued the conversation we’d been having while he’d been outside. As he slid the CD into my laptop’s disk drive while we sat together on my bed, he told me, “Anyway, I guess if I’m being totally honest… The thing is, you and Riley have always been really close. I always felt a little left out growing up. Up until maybe seventh or eighth grade. And even though we all don’t get a chance to hang out as much as we used t
o, you guys are still really close. Combine that, me being a paranoid ass, and you kissing another girl… and I kind of… like I said: freaked. But I know I was wrong now.”

  “Oh,” I said again. I knew that he was, in a roundabout way, trying to tell me that he was paranoid about me having feelings for Riley. He wasn’t wrong, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that he was when it wasn’t the truth.

  He was being sweeter to me than I deserved, and even tried to change the subject once it was clear he’d explained himself well enough. “Speaking of Riley, have you heard from her? I didn’t talk to her at all yesterday, actually. She said she was going to talk to you and then never answered my text.” He shot me a nervous look. “You guys are okay, right?”

  “Yeah,” I forced myself to say. “We’re fine. Everything’s all cleared up.”

  “Good. I figured I’d leave you guys a day or two to deal with the drama. I felt really bad once I got over being… paranoid, and all. It wasn’t my secret to tell. I was just trying to help. It felt like you lost your way for a bit there, and I thought maybe Riley was the best person to, you know, slap you out of it or whatever.”

  “It’s okay, Evan,” I insisted. “Really. Don’t feel bad. About anything.”

  “Well, I do. But I’m glad I’m forgiven. You can keep the game for as long as you’d like, if you want.”

  “Thank you,” I said, trying to sound happy despite the fact that I felt like absolute crap.

  The download finished, and as Evan began to set up the game and create a character, walking me through the entire process, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

  I was genuinely interested in the game after seeing how it began, so I waited until there was a lull in Evan’s demonstration before I checked my phone.

  The text was from Riley: “Are you doing anything right now?”

  It was the first time I’d heard from her since our conversation yesterday. “With Evan,” I sent back. I couldn’t even text her without feeling guilty.

  There were several long minutes between my text and her next reply. “Is that Riley?” Evan asked me, and I nodded, unwilling to lie to him. “Can you ask her to call me tonight? I just wanna check up on her.”

  “Sure.”

  Riley’s next text said, “Should I stay home?”

  I swallowed hard, fingers hovering over the phone screen as I tried to figure out what to say. I couldn’t help but want to see her. At last, I typed out: “I can’t be around both of you at the same time right now. Come over later.”

  “You start off at this city,” Evan was explaining when I finished. “And you can decide what kind of magic you want to learn. I like playing as an elf who specializes in fire magic. But you can be a human water mage too; I’ve done a playthrough like that and it was pretty fun. But fire’s definitely the coolest, I think.”

  “Ok,” said Riley’s text. I didn’t reply.

  “Evan?” I asked as I set my phone aside and tapped his arm to make him look at me.

  “Hmm?” he replied, and then grew serious when he saw my face. “What’s up?”

  “I just…” I felt a lump in my throat and tried to swallow it down. “I love you, and… I hope we’re friends for a long time. I don’t want to fight anymore.”

  He smiled down at me, then wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer. “Never again,” he agreed, kissing me on the top of my head, and I blinked back tears before he could see them.

  Chapter Eight

  Riley came over an hour or so after Evan’s departure. Initially, seeing her after our last conversation was like meeting a stranger. I didn’t know how to act around her or what to say. I wasn’t even sure if being alone in my room together was a good idea.

  But Mom insisted she stay for dinner and even suggested she spend the night, probably in an effort to fix whatever she thought was the cause of Riley’s sad departure after her previous visit. I knew that trying to get Riley out of it would make my mom suspicious, so we were both just sort of forced to go along with the suggestion.

  Nicole, as I eventually noticed, looked strangely amused throughout dinner for some reason. She’d been a little weird around Riley since her party, and I’d never thought to ask why until that night. But that would have to wait.

  I retrieved pajamas for both Riley and myself, and right around the time I was taking my shirt off I realized that I’d been changing in front of her for years. I glanced over at her to see that despite her refusal to look at me, her cheeks were red, like she knew exactly what I was thinking. I hesitated. Was it right to act like nothing had changed? Were we going to address that things had changed? Who was in charge of deciding any of this?

  Finally, I turned away and reached for my shirt, and the rustling sound behind me told me that Riley’d elected to follow my lead. I’d seen her in a bra plenty of times over the years, but now I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to look. Or if I should.

  I heaved a sigh, fed up. “Can we not do this?”

  “Do what?” she asked and then immediately caught my exasperated look. “Sorry. I know.”

  “We’ve been friends for over a decade. This shouldn’t be any different.” She didn’t reply, and I pressed, “Right?”

  At last, she shrugged her shoulders. “That seems kind of naïve.”

  “It’s not,” I argued instinctively. “We’re friends.”

  She held back an eye-roll and then tossed her pajama pants onto my bed. Then she turned and headed straight for me.

  “What are you-?” I started to ask, but she stopped right in front of me, less than a foot away, and reached out to take my hand in hers. The tension was immediate. I avoided her eyes for fear of what I’d do if I didn’t.

  She raised our joined hands, shot me a knowing look, and then plucked the pants from my other hand and walked back to the bed. “I’m more legs and you’re more torso, and you gave me the shorter pants. These fit me better.” She tossed me the pajama pants she’d left on the bed, and I barely reacted quickly enough to catch them.

  “You’ve never cared that much before,” I mumbled.

  “Never had to prove the existence of sexual tension,” she replied. “Pants happened to be a good way to do it.”

  I felt my face heat up. “Why are you so relaxed? You don’t act like…” I trailed off, and she turned to raise an eyebrow at me.

  “What, like I’ve been pining away for you for years? I’m still me. Same old Riley. Sass is my first language.”

  “I don’t feel like the same person,” I said. “I feel like a stranger. Like I don’t even know myself.”

  “I know.” Riley turned back to me, shooting me a sympathetic look. “I went through it.”

  “When?”

  She hesitated and put her back to me to change into her pajama pants. I tried not to stare. “When I was twelve. That’s when I started to wonder, anyway.”

  “But that was so long ago,” I marveled. “I mean, back then I was just getting my first boyfriend.”

  She sighed, as though I’d said something stupid, and then turned to shoot me another knowing look. I realized what she was trying to tell me, and felt a strangely pleasant fluttering in my stomach even as my face warmed all over again. “Oh. Correlated. Got it.”

  “I got good at hiding the jealousy,” she admitted. “Until Josh. Until it was serious.”

  I busied myself with changing my own pants as Riley moved to get under the covers. The fluttering feeling in my stomach intensified. I hadn’t been able to completely wrap my head around what my conversation with Riley the other day had meant, but now it was finally starting to sink in.

  Evan wasn’t the person her future eighty-year-old self would tell her grandchildren about. I was that person. Or at least I could be. She’d loved me since age twelve. She’d spent years listening to me talk about my various boyfriends. She’d heard every tiny detail and had smiled through all of it just for my benefit.

  I watched her sit on my bed, with everything below her waist h
idden under the covers and two pillows propping her up into a sitting position. Her phone was in her hand and she was watching me a little nervously. “What?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” I lied, and she bit at her lip.

  “Kayla, c’mon.”

  “I don’t know if we should share a bed,” I admitted, embarrassed.

  “I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want me to,” she promised.

  “You just told me you’ve spent five years in love with me,” I said, swallowing a lump in my throat. “And it’s like... looking back now, I can see it. And it’s sinking in, and… I’m not sure exactly how I feel about girls in general, yet, but with you I think it might be a shorter list than you think.”

  “Wait, what would be a shorter list than I think?” Riley echoed, confused, before I gestured to the bed and she realized what I was trying to imply. When she did, she blinked twice, surprised, and then looked away from me very quickly, focusing on her phone just so she wasn’t watching me. “Oh,” she said, and bit her lip again to keep from smiling despite the redness in her cheeks.

  “Shut up,” I shot back, feeling my own face heat up, too. Thankfully, bickering with her seemed to ease the tension a little.

  “I didn’t say anything!”

  “You didn’t have to.” I stared at her for a long moment, then took a deep breath and moved to the bed, sliding under the covers beside her. I lay down immediately and reached over to click the lamp on my nightstand off. It’d been the only source of light in my room, and without it, I couldn’t see Riley.

  I felt her shift and then readjust her pillows as she lay down beside me. As my eyes began to adjust to the darkness, her face came into view, just a few feet in front of mine. I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing myself to think of Evan, and then rolled away from her, onto my back. I opened my eyes when I felt her arm move, and whispered a quick, “Don’t.”