On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  “I’m not,” she whispered back, but she pressed herself to me anyway and rested her arm across my stomach, placing her head on my chest right above my heart. I held back a shiver. We’d done things like this as friends for years, so I tried to tell myself that it was okay.

  I could hear her breathing quietly in the dark for what felt like several minutes while I tried to keep my heartrate down. She could hear every beat, I knew, and so I tried my best to relax; to ignore the way Riley’s hand rested against the side of my hip or the way her breaths were kind of uneven.

  Thump… Thump… Thump… Thump…

  The hand by my hip twitched a little, and then shifted entirely to rest on my stomach, Riley’s fingers splayed out over my shirt. I opened my mouth to ask her what she was doing, but then the words died in my throat and I thought better of it. She shifted slightly against me, and then her hand moved lower and her thumb ran along my exposed hip bone.

  Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

  Again, it occurred to me to speak up. Riley seemed to be waiting for me to say something. Her index finger drew circles on my hip bone and then, when the only reaction she got from me was my faster heartbeat, her hand dragged back to my stomach. This time it slid under my shirt, just barely, and, after a pause, moved a centimeter higher. She stopped there, and I reminded myself to breathe.

  Riley’s voice was quiet as she asked me, “Are you okay?”

  My heart was in the beginning stages of going haywire, but I was okay. I trusted her. “Mhmm.” My voice came out higher than expected.

  Her thump swiped across the skin just below my rib cage in a wide arc, and I closed my eyes, pulse thundering in my ears. I was sure Riley could hear it against hers, with her head still pressed to my chest the way it was.

  Thump, thump, thump, thump.

  Her hand slid higher and her fingertips danced across the lower half of my ribcage, then slid around to my side. She stopped there, the gentle pressure on my side pulling me closer into her.

  Thumpthumpthumpthump-

  Riley raised her head up off of my chest and shifted upward, resting it to the pillow for a moment. I sensed her eyes on me. Then she leaned forward until her lips tickled my ear. “Your heart’s beating really fast,” she whispered.

  “I hadn’t noticed,” I breathed out, managing to sound just sarcastic enough that she picked up on it and chuckled into my ear. Her hand moved down and swept across my stomach again and I squirmed. “You’re feeling me up in my bed.”

  “Not quite,” she replied.

  “Close enough.” She prodded at a spot on my stomach and I gave a start when it tickled. Her laugh told me she’d done it on purpose. “Out,” I hissed, and she moved her arm out from under my shirt without question. I rolled toward her immediately and she jerked away with surprise, which left her lying flat on her back. I stretched my arm out over her and twisted around, sitting up partially so that my face was hovering a good foot or so over hers. Then I stared.

  My eyes had adjusted to the darkness by now, and I could see Riley looking right back up at me, lips parted and eyes struggling to stay focused, like she knew that I wanted to kiss her. I really wanted to kiss her.

  I exhaled deeply instead, and said, “You’re with our best friend. Okay?” Then I moved away and rolled over to face away from her, putting as much distance between us as I could. I could hear her breathing for another minute or so afterward.

  I never got a reply before I fell asleep, and it wasn’t until the next morning that I remembered I’d forgotten to tell her to call Evan.

  ***

  I lay in bed for a while after Riley left around noon, trying to pinpoint when exactly I’d started to have feelings for her. We’d always been close, and she’d always been my best friend. Like Mom had said, we’d been attached at the hip since age six. Still, I could never recall being attracted to any other girls.

  But I was convinced that much like Riley’s admission that it had taken my getting a boyfriend to jumpstart her sexuality crisis at age twelve, it seemed as though Riley dating her first boy had been the start of mine. There’d been no reason to question my sexuality before then because I’d been attracted to guys. Now I didn’t know if I was actually attracted to girls, or if Riley was just some weird exception to the rule. Was that a thing that happened? Could I actually be straight with a single, very intense exception?

  At the same time, this thing with Riley felt different than it had with guys. What if I liked her more than I’d ever liked a guy? How could I be straight if my single exception was the person I loved the most? Could I even be considered straight even if I only liked one girl in my lifetime, or did that automatically put me in the “bisexual” category? What if things didn’t work out between Riley and me and I never liked another girl again; did that still make me bisexual?

  Was it disingenuous to walk around saying I was straight because I’d liked Riley? Because what if I hit thirty and met a second girl I found attractive, and then I’d been using the wrong label for over a decade by then and had to have this conversation with myself all over again?

  But the reverse was possible as well. I could start labeling myself as bisexual, and then if I only ever dated one girl – and that was assuming anything actually did ever happen between Riley and me – I’d look like a liar.

  I groaned loudly and left my room to head downstairs. Mom was at work, but Nicole was watching television in the living room. I had an epiphany when I saw her. She was close with Grace, and so maybe they’d already had a conversation about what it meant to like girls. Maybe Nicole could help me.

  “Can I ask you something?” I sat down on the couch next to her, trying not to look as nervous as I felt.

  “Well, good morning to you, too,” she replied. “I mean, it’s like almost one o’clock, but whatever.” I stared at her, and she added, “Oh, yeah, what’s up?”

  “Your roommate, Grace. Did she ever tell you… how she knew she liked girls?”

  Nicole raised an eyebrow at me, then smirked knowingly. I tried valiantly to fight off a blush, silently praying she wouldn’t ask me why I wanted to know. “You want to hear her coming out story?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. I guess. If you know it, I guess it’d be kind of interesting.”

  “I’ll tell you,” said Nicole, twisting on the couch to face me. “Alright, grasshopper, I’m gonna take you through a little workshop I’m gonna call ‘How to Be a Good Ally 101’.”

  “Okay…” I replied, not quite following.

  “Anyone under thirty who’s not a total idiot is fine with gay people, obviously, but it can still be a little weird when someone you know comes out to you, because you’re not necessarily expecting it. But it’s important to be there for them and let them vent.”

  I blinked at her, processing what she’d said, and then let out a quiet, “Ohhhh…” of understanding. She didn’t think I was asking for myself. She thought I was asking because of Riley.

  I paused. Wait, Nicole knew about Riley?

  “Grace always talked about… oh, uh…” Nicole trailed off awkwardly, shooting me a dubious look, and then continued, “Well, she kind of had a massive crush on her high school best friend.”

  “Oh,” I said very very quietly.

  “Yeah, um… and every time her friend even talked about a boy she’d get super jealous. Her friend had a steady boyfriend throughout high school and she… hated… the guy.” She pressed her lips together and suggested, “We could stop?”

  “Just keep going,” I sighed out. “It’s bad enough already.”

  “Okay… well… she’d get jealous of the guy and she didn’t know why, and eventually she started dating guys too just to fit in. But I think she always knew that she was lying to herself. That’s how it seemed from what she told me, anyway.” She stopped there, and then shot me a sympathetic look. “So Riley talked to you?”

  “It’s fine,” I mumbled, avoiding her eyes. “Everything’s fine.”

  “Just be
a good friend,” Nicole advised me. “It’ll be okay. Honestly, I feel dumb for not seeing it earlier. Grace noticed right away, and she completely lacks tact so of course she made a dumb comment about it. Riley overheard and it wasn’t pretty.”

  “Wait, what?” I was lost now. “At your party, you mean?”

  “Yeah. I mean, she’s got the whole skater thing going on and she’d never had a boyfriend before Evan, and they’re a totally weird couple anyway. Grace met her and thought she seemed gay and mentioned it to me, and Riley overheard and got really upset. Which kind of just made her look guiltier. Ever since then, I figured Grace was right.”

  “You should have said something to me. She’s my best friend,” I insisted.

  “I didn’t think it was my place. You deserved to hear it from her and she deserved to be the one to tell you. Which I’m guessing she did, so you found out the way you were supposed to. I’m glad it worked out. You’re a good friend for bothering to get advice from me. I’m glad you guys are still hanging out; you shouldn’t let it get weird just because she has a crush. She’ll move on.”

  We sat in silence for a moment, and I thought back to how Riley had been in such a bad mood at Nicole’s party. That mystery was solved now.

  “So Grace didn’t say anything about me?” I asked her abruptly, unable to hide my curiosity. “I mean, she must’ve wondered if Riley liked me, right? Since she went through the same thing Riley did with her best friend? And if it was mutual?”

  “Oh, yeah,” Nicole recalled with a laugh. “She did say something along the lines of ‘straight as an arrow’, but that was at the end of the party, so she was a little tipsy. Though I think the assessment still stands. You’re in the clear, little sis.” She laughed and patted me once on the arm, then stood and went into the kitchen.

  I sat alone on the couch and let out a quiet sigh, wondering how I’d missed so much in one night.

  ***

  Evan showed up at my house two days later with tears in his eyes.

  I opened up the front door to see him standing there, red-faced and shaking, and knew immediately what’d happened.

  “Riley broke up with me,” he told me.

  I took his hand and pulled him into a hug, ashamed that this was something I’d helped put into motion, both by encouraging their relationship in the first place and by admitting my mutual attraction to Riley. “Do you want to talk?” I asked him when I’d pulled away. He nodded, and so I turned to put on a pair of shoes, then grabbed his hand again and walked silently with him all the way to the creek.

  We sat in our old shelter together and Evan tore up a handful of leaves as he spoke. “I don’t understand why she’d do this to me. She knew that I loved her. I mean, she never said it back… but she knew that I loved her.”

  “I’m sure she loves you,” I said. “Just maybe not in the way that you loved her.”

  He forced a watery laugh. “Yeah, what a cliché. The last thing I want to hear from her is ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you,’ so at least she spared me that. Short and sweet, ‘it’s not working out; I don’t wanna do this anymore,’ done.”

  “That doesn’t sound like Riley,” I replied, confused. I couldn’t envision her being that cold.

  “She was trying not to cry,” Evan admitted. “I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse… knowing she could hardly get the words out. Mostly it just makes me wonder how long she’s been doing this just because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Especially as crazy attached as I got.” He covered his eyes with his palms and groaned. “God, I was too clingy, if I’d just let her have some space, then maybe… maybe we could’ve… I don’t know.”

  I looked away from him, resisting the urge to say anything. He didn’t need me to sit here and dash his hopes. He needed me to listen.

  “But I’m probably wrong,” he admitted a moment later. “It wasn’t how I thought it’d be. Riley and me.”

  I turned to him sharply at that. “What do you mean?”

  “Well…” He heaved a large sigh. “We never really kissed after the first time on Prom night.”

  “Never?” I was surprised, even knowing what I knew.

  “Only a peck every now and then,” said Evan. “Mostly it was just a lot of holding hands and sitting close. Which was okay with me, you know, no rush. I was just happy to be with her. But I did figure that if she was as into me as I was into her we’d be doing more than that. That’s part of the reason I was such an ass, I guess. Didn’t wanna lose her and thought that I might.”

  “I figured,” I admitted. “Which is why I tried not to get too angry at you. Riley’s kind of your dream girl.”

  “Was,” he corrected. “God, I’m never making that mistake again. Dating a friend. I feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest, and I don’t even know if she’ll still want to hang out with me anymore. Are the three of us even still gonna be our trio anymore?”

  “I’ll make sure we are,” I assured him. “Don’t worry. This isn’t going to ruin us. I actually think you’re taking this really well, all things considered.”

  “I’m in shock,” Evan decided, rubbing at the back of his neck. “And I don’t like crying in front of other people, even if it is you. I’m sure I’ll go throw up later.”

  “You’re gonna be okay,” I told him, not only to comfort him but also to comfort myself. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around him, and he hugged me back with another sigh.

  “This hurts so badly. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more after Josh, when you were going through this.”

  “It’s okay. We dated for longer than you and Riley, sure, but I wasn’t in love with Josh,” I murmured. “You have it worse. Trust me.”

  I felt Evan start to shake against me, his chest heaving, and knew he was crying again when I felt wetness on my cheek. “I hate this. I never wanna feel this again,” he choked out. I rubbed his back and squeezed him tighter. I didn’t know what else to do.

  When I finally pulled away and watched him wipe the tears from his cheeks, I offered him a small smile. “So… does this mean we’re not gonna make out?” I asked him. I felt the heavy feeling in my chest lighten slightly when that got a laugh out of him.

  “Half the time I wonder if that kiss when we were twelve was a dream,” he admitted. “But I know that it wasn’t, because slobbering all over you in Madison Reed’s basement would be the most random nightmare I’d ever have. I wish Riley and me could’ve been like us. We could’ve just had that silent understanding that we were never gonna be a thing.”

  “Should’ve slobbered on her too a few years ago; that might’ve done the job,” I suggested, grinning.

  He laughed. “Yeah. It would’ve been perfect. Three friends, no chance of any of us dating. That’s what we should’ve had all along.” He sighed and missed the falter in my smile. “But if we can get through this, we will have all of that. I guess that’s the bright side. No more tension. We can all just be what we were meant to be from the beginning: best friends for a lifetime. I just need to focus on that, and I can get through this.”

  “Yeah,” I murmured, nodding. He sniffed and pulled me in for another hug, and I buried my face in his jacket as my own throat tightened. “What we were meant to be.”

  Chapter Nine

  Riley called me the next day while I was at the mall with Nicole and my mother. I was waiting for them at the food court when my phone rang, and when I saw it was Riley, I hesitated. I hadn’t spoken to her since she’d broken up with Evan, mostly because I felt guilty about going behind his back at all. Our sleepover the other night hadn’t technically involved cheating, but it certainly felt like it had, and I felt like I owed it to Evan to keep some distance from Riley, at least until he’d recovered from having his heart broken.

  But I also didn’t want to ignore Riley, so I answered the phone with a knowing, “Hey.”

  “Hey,” said Riley. I waited for her to say more, and the silence stretched on unti
l it grew uncomfortable. “I guess,” she continued at last, “that I just wanted to call because you didn’t call me, and I don’t know where your head is at right now, but I wanted you to know where mine is.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “I want you to know that I didn’t, like, leave him for you or anything.” She sighed. “I wish I could say this in person. Are you home?”

  “I’m at the mall with Nicole and my mom. We’re picking out clothes and school supplies.”

  “Oh. Okay.” There was another long pause, and I heard her take a deep breath. “Look, I don’t have any expectations. I just know that if I’d stayed with him, you and I had no chance. Maybe we still have no chance. Maybe… we’ll wake up in a week and this still won’t feel right because of Evan. Maybe it still won’t feel right in a month from now, or a year, because of Evan, or even for some other reason. Hell, maybe you’ll change your mind and decide you’re straight and were just temporarily mesmerized by the purple streak in my hair.” I forced a laugh and she sighed again.

  “My point is that I don’t know what’s gonna happen, Kayla. But what I do know is that there was no chance while I was with Evan, and now maybe there is a chance, however small that chance may be. With all of that said… regardless, breaking up with him was the right thing to do, and I did it for him and for me, because we both deserve to be with someone we want who wants us back. I hope that I have that in you, but if it turns out that I don’t, I’ll still feel good about my decision. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I echoed back, my heart tight in my chest. “I just… need time.”

  “I know.” She paused. “I’m doing a skating thing tomorrow, around two o’clock. Will you come? Maybe… Evan could try to come, too.”