The Good Daughter

by Amra Pajalic

  ‘I can’t go out like this.’

  Brian opened his wardrobe and handed me a trench coat. ‘Wear this.’

  I bundled myself up and walked down the street slowly. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to see Jesse. Since the day he’d been my shoulder to cry on we hadn’t been alone. When I reached his house I kept going. I’d just walk around the block to kill time until Brian was dressed.

  A woman called my name. I turned and saw Sarah, Jesse’s sister, running after me. ‘This is our house.’ She grabbed my arm and tugged me down the driveway.

  ‘I was just going to—’

  ‘Shhh…’ Sarah put her finger over her lips. ‘Jesse’s trying out his costume. You can surprise him when he comes out.’ She pulled me through the front door. The living room was dark and cluttered. The walls were covered with stripy wallpaper and the carpet was dark and shaggy.

  ‘Sit.’ Sarah pushed me onto the brown sofa. ‘I’ll get you a drink.’

  ‘Sarah,’ I heard Jesse yell. ‘What the hell have you done?’

  ‘Come out here so I can see!’ Sarah shouted back as she handed me a glass of orange juice.

  I took a sip and nearly choked when Jesse entered the living room. He was wearing a Zorro costume. It was a size too small, too. The shirt had a deep V that showed his chest, while the pants moulded to his legs. He definitely wasn’t chubby at all. He’d bulked up with muscle and the costume certainly revealed it.

  ‘Sarah, I hope this is your idea of a joke.’ He was looking at his boots and didn’t see me. He lifted his head and blushed instantly. So did I.

  ‘Doesn’t he look great, Sabiha?’ Sarah went up to Jesse and pinched his arms. ‘Everyone can see his muscles.’

  ‘Um, yeah, he does.’ I sipped my drink.

  ‘I’m not going like this.’ Jesse pushed her hands away.

  ‘Jesse…’ A feeble voice called from the back of the house. ‘Come here, please, so I can see you?’

  Sarah laughed and pushed him towards the door. ‘Go show Mum how hot you are.’ Jesse grumbled under his breath as he left. ‘Bring Mum out here so she can meet Sabiha,’ she called out. Jesse broke his stride and gave her a look that I couldn’t read. ‘It’ll be fine,’ she urged. Sarah sat down next to me. ‘I’m glad he’s had you to talk to. The two of you clicked because you have so much in common.’

  ‘I guess we do.’ I was surprised Jesse had told her about my reading habits.

  She shook her head. ‘Kids can be so cruel when you have a mother who’s different.’

  I stiffened. Before I could say anything, Jesse came back into the living room, pushing a wheelchair. Sarah introduced me to their mum.

  ‘Jesse has told us so much about you,’ the woman said, her weak voice incongruous with her large body. She reached out her hand to me, the dimpled rolls of fat on her arm shaking as she held it in the air.

  Jesse’s whole body language was a portrait in pleading. Did I look the same when I introduced people to Mum? ‘Nice to meet you, too.’ I clasped her hand, my fingers sinking into the folds of her flesh.

  ‘I’m getting changed,’ Jesse said.

  ‘Into what?’ Sarah was panicking. ‘You haven’t got another costume.’

  ‘Peter Parker,’ Jesse said smugly.

  ‘No!’ Sarah howled. ‘Tell him he looks great, Mum.’

  ‘You look very handsome, Jesse,’ Mrs James said. ‘Do you think so?’ she turned to me.

  I examined Jesse from head to toe. ‘That’s a great costume,’ I pronounced.

  ‘They got to you,’ he said.

  I shook my head and smiled.

  He relaxed and looked at me approvingly, finally registering what he could glimpse of my own skin-tight number, visible through the partially open trench coat. Only his wasn’t quite the same chest-ogling as Brian’s brother. ‘Okay, you win.’ Jesse lifted his hands in surrender.

  Mrs James smiled at me gratefully. Sarah headed for the TV cabinet. ‘Photo time.’ She held up a camera.

  ‘Oh, no,’ Jesse groaned.

  ‘Yes, yes!’ Sarah shouted as she pulled me off the sofa and pushed me towards Jesse. She watched us through the viewfinder. ‘Take off the trench coat,’ she commanded.

  Jesse’s eyes widened at the sight of my outfit revealed in all its body-hugging splendour. But why the hell had I let my vanity get the better of me? The smaller costume was a big mistake.

  Sarah snapped a few photos. ‘Okay, put your arm around her,’ she instructed.

  Jesse’s arm curved gently on my waist.

  ‘You do the same,’ she said to me.

  Tentatively, I hooked my fingers through his belt loop and felt his back, taut under the thin shirt.

  ‘You look fabulous.’ Sarah continued snapping.

  We relaxed and I sunk against him. His hand firmed around my waist.

  ‘Okay, look at each other,’ Sarah said.

  Even though I’d seen him every day at school for the past three months, this was the first time I really saw him.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he turned to Sarah, ‘I didn’t charge the battery.’

  Sarah smacked the camera. ‘Damn, it’s finished!’

  ‘Told you.’ Jesse smiled and let go of me.

  Trying to retain the sensation on my skin, I placed my hand on my waist where his hand had been. ‘We’d better get going,’ I said.

  ‘It’s only six o’clock,’ Sarah said. ‘Go and wait in Jesse’s room until it’s time for the party. That way you can make a grand entrance with your costumes.’ She pushed us away from the front door and down the hall.

  ‘But we should help Brian,’ I protested.

  Sarah cut me off. ‘Greg and his mates have done plenty of party set-ups.’ She closed Jesse’s bedroom door behind us.

  More and more bewildered, I stood in the middle of the room, staring at my feet.

  ‘Would you like to sit down?’ Jesse pushed his office chair towards me and I sat down obediently. His bedroom was neat as a pin. The single bed was made and the floor tidy. ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled as he sat on the bed.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For being nice to my Mum.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked, remembering that Sarah had assumed I knew.

  He shrugged. ‘She has hypothyroidism. Her thyroid doesn’t produce enough hormones and her metabolism is slow. It doesn’t matter what she eats or what she tries to do, she’s obese.’

  I wondered if my voice sounded as raw when I spoke about Mum. ‘Has she always been in a wheelchair?’

  ‘Just the last couple of years. It’s difficult for her to move otherwise.’

  ‘I still wish you’d told me…It would have made a lot of stuff a lot easier…’ He shrugged again and I knew better than to push it. I examined his room. ‘How did you get hold of so many books?’ Three tall bookshelves took up a whole wall.

  ‘Gifts, second-hand bookshops, library sales,’ Jesse said. ‘Some were my Dad’s.’

  ‘You have one glaring omission.’ I gave him a stern look. ‘You don’t have any of Stephenie Meyer’s books.’

  Jesse laughed. ‘They’re under the bed.’

  ‘That’d be right.’ I turned back to the shelves. ‘I know you secretly love them even though you pretend you hate vampire stories.’

  ‘Have you read this one?’ He stood behind me, his arm reaching for a book over my head, his voice a whisper against my ear. He handed me Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë, his hand floating around my shoulders so that he was almost embracing me.

  I shook my head and my hair brushed against his face.

  ‘You’d like it. It’s a gothic romance.’ His breath fanned my hair.

  Our eyes met. His cheek was right next to my mouth. He inclined his head and his lips gently brushed mine, like the caress of a feather. He waited. He was giving me the chance to back away. I leaned in and kissed him. His hands came to rest on my shoulders and he pulled me to him, the book pressed between us like a chaperone as we kissed. He l
ifted his head. As the glow of the kiss faded I was awkward again.

  I didn’t know how to stand against him or where to put my hands. He rubbed my arms and leaned down. I thought he was going to kiss me again, but instead he planted a soft kiss on my cheek and stepped away.

  ‘You want to listen to some music?’ He moved to the boom box on his desk.

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. To buy time I read the back cover of the book. ‘Sounds like my sort of novel.’ It was described as a vindictive, passionate love story set amongst the wild Yorkshire moors.

  ‘You can borrow it if you like,’ Jesse said.

  ‘Thanks.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘Perhaps we’d better forget the music; we should go.’

  He nodded and held the bedroom door open.

  Sarah kissed my cheek as I entered the living room. ‘Have a great night.’

  ‘Come again,’ Mrs James added.

  As we walked down the street, our hands brushed against each other. His fingers gently tugged mine. I didn’t look at him as I clasped his hand. Music blared from Brian’s house.

  Jesse stopped.

  I turned to look at him.

  His eyes were questioning and he was about to speak.

  ‘Let’s go, silly.’ I tugged him towards Brian’s house. I didn’t know what he wanted to say, but I did know that, whatever it was, I was way too confused to hear it.

  I knocked on the front door and Brian opened it. He was wearing a green lycra suit covered with black question marks. I dropped Jesse’s hand and hugged Brian. ‘You look amazing!’ I yelled. ‘Don’t you think, Jesse?’

  Jesse smiled. ‘Yeah, he sure does.’

  ‘I didn’t think you had it in you.’ Brian clapped Jesse on the shoulder. ‘I thought for sure you’d chicken out and come as Peter Parker.’

  ‘I’ll put this in my bag.’ I held up Wuthering Heights and headed for Brian’s parents’ bedroom. I closed the door quickly and leaned against it. I broke into a sweat as the urge to run and scream built and built. What had I done? What had possessed me to kiss Jesse? I stared at my reflection in the mirror. ‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ I demanded, my sneering face ugly and twisted. I slammed out of the room.

  Brian was in the kitchen. ‘What do you want to drink?’

  ‘That.’ I pointed at the Baileys.

  I didn’t drink alcohol and had never been drunk. I’d had heaps of opportunities whenever Mum and Dave had a party. Kathleen loved sleeping over on those nights. She’d sneak into the party and bring back alcohol to my room. I’d tried drinking with her, but the taste put me off. That, and watching how people turned into idiots when they got drunk.

  But tonight I wanted the feeling of carelessness Kathleen described when she got drunk. I wanted the oblivion of forgetting everything. I wanted to forget Mum, Frankie, Kathleen, Shelley and Jesse. I wanted to forget all the betrayals and all the things I’d stuffed up.

  He unscrewed the top for me. ‘Do you want milk?’

  ‘I want it straight.’ I took the bottle from him and skolled from it. The warmth hit my stomach and my stiff muscles loosened instantly.

  ‘Go Sabiha,’ Brian exclaimed when I handed back the bottle.

  ‘Another please.’ This time he half-filled a glass and, sipping my drink, I walked into the living room to see Batman, Robin, Spider Man and a Hulk arrive. Some of the party-goers were wearing regular clothes, but most were in costume. Jesse appeared beside me, but even his presence didn’t break my buzz. I finished my drink. ‘You want me to get you something?’

  ‘I’m good.’ He held up his Coke.

  ‘You’re such a geek.’ I examined the drinks on the kitchen table and decided on ouzo next. When I returned to the living room there were a few people swaying to the music. Gemma walked in wearing a Supergirl costume and, before I had a chance to hide from her, she headed my way.

  ‘Where’s Dina?’ She looked around.

  ‘She’ll come by later,’ I lied. Since Gemma didn’t know about Tony, my job was to bluff Gemma. Dina would murder me if anyone found out she was spending the night at Tony’s.

  ‘Here you go, babe.’ A man in a Superman costume handed Gemma a glass.

  ‘How cute.’ I took a sip to hide my smirk. Clinging onto the guy’s arm, Gemma introduced him as Rob and made the same googly eyes Mum made at Safet. Rob’s eyes were glued to my breasts. Usually a look like that made me hunch into myself, but now I pushed my chest out further and leaned in. ‘Not tonight, honey.’ I winked. ‘Tonight I’m Wonder Woman.’

  Brian was dancing to ‘Push It’ by Salt N’ Pepper. I loved this song. I approached him from behind and curved myself around him. He turned his head. When he saw it was me, he flipped and we ground our hips against each other as we mouthed the words. I don’t know how long I danced for, but my mouth was parched. I stumbled into the kitchen and was slurping down orange juice and vodka when Jesse materialised next to me again.

  ‘How are you doing?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m having a blast,’ I shouted, leaning against him. I’d seen him at the edge of my vision while I was dancing and each time I’d turned away. As I gazed into his eyes now I couldn’t remember why I’d been avoiding him.

  ‘With or Without You’ by U2 was playing and I swayed as I sang. Jesse took the glass from my hand and returned it to the table. He lifted my arms and put them on his shoulders. He sang in my ear as we slow-danced. I was giddy with happiness. I leaned back in his arms and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of hanging in mid-air. He pulled me up and I opened my eyes. All the things I’d tried so hard to forget came back as I stared at his face.

  Now, with each word Bono sang, a layer of my happiness faded, as if I was slowly waking from a deep sleep. Jesse’s hand caressed my face. My heart raced at the weight of expectation and hope in his eyes.

  the kissing game

  ‘Don’t do that.’ I pushed his hand away.

  Jesse tried to pull me back. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Just don’t do it!’ I shouted. His face filled with hurt and I reached for the vodka. ‘Just don’t like me, okay.’ I added orange juice and headed for the living room.

  I skolled the vodka and put the glass on a lamp table, then drifted out to the dance floor. I gyrated with the crowd, the alcohol coursing through me. I thought I was floating, when suddenly a man’s hands pulled me against the front of his body. Assuming it was Brian, I pushed my backside into his groin. Hands cupped my breasts. I was not dancing with Brian.

  The man turned me to face him. I was dancing with Rob. He pulled me against him, his erection on my thigh. I put my hands on his arms trying to move him away, but he didn’t budge. I struggled to get free.

  ‘That’s it babe,’ he whispered against my ear. ‘That’s so good.’

  I slumped and closed my eyes. My knees gave out and he held me up. He kissed my neck and I moved my head. ‘Don’t, please,’ I whimpered. He ignored me. ‘Stop it!’ I tried wrenching myself away.

  ‘You bitch!’ Fists hit me in the back and I was drowning in a cloud of red satin. ‘He’s my boyfriend!’

  Rob let go and I dropped to the floor. Gemma tried to kick me, but her cape got in her way. Her hands tangled in my hair and she yanked. Rob grabbed her and tried pulling her back.

  ‘Fucking bastard!’ She let go of my hair and hit him.

  As he dragged her away, I crawled in the other direction, pushing through dancing feet. I pulled myself up against a wall and used it to walk to the kitchen. I was pouring Jack Daniels when Jesse appeared at my side.

  ‘Sabiha, are you all right?’ He held my arm and peered at my face in concern.

  ‘I’m bloody marvellous. marvellous.’ My tongue was thick in my mouth.

  He took the glass from me. ‘You’ve had enough.’

  ‘No, I haven’t.’ I hit his arm and reached for the glass.

  ‘Everyone having a great time?’ Brian shouted as he walked in.

  ‘I am!’ I shouted back and
grabbed Brian. ‘It’s a great party.’ I kissed him on the cheek.

  ‘You want some?’ Brian asked as he poured himself a drink.

  I reached for the glass. ‘Fucking oath.’

  ‘She’s had enough.’ Jesse pushed between us.

  Brian took a sip of the glass Jesse had put down. ‘It’s a party.’

  I took the glass from him. ‘I’ll drink to that.’

  ‘She can barely stand.’ Jesse grabbed the glass out of my hand.

  ‘Don’t be a bore,’ Brian said. ‘I’ll keep an eye on her.’ Someone called his name and he turned in the other direction. ‘Hey, Adnan.’ He hugged him. ‘I didn’t think you’d make it.’

  ‘I came when the party started.’ Adnan rubbed my hair. ‘Hey cuz. So are you a prostitute or Wonder Woman? I can’t tell the difference.’

  ‘Ha, ha,’ I sneered, brushing his hand away. I felt dizzy. Jesse helped me onto a kitchen chair. I pushed him away. ‘I’m fine.’

  Brian and Adnan laughed and left the room. Jesse knelt beside me. ‘Are you going to be sick?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head and the dizziness intensified. Jesse handed me a glass of water. ‘Thanks.’ I handed him back the empty glass. ‘I feel better now.’

  ‘You need to ease up.’ Jesse held a wet washcloth against my forehead.

  ‘I’ll be fine.’ I took the washcloth from him. ‘Brian will take care of me.’

  ‘You need to understand one thing.’ Jesse squeezed my wrist. ‘Brian takes care of himself first, last and always.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t.’ I tried to pry his hand away, but his grip didn’t ease up. ‘He’s my best friend.’

  ‘He’s been my best friend longer,’ Jesse said.

  My ears filled with static and I didn’t hear anything he said after that. It was Kathleen and Shelley all over again.

  ‘Did you hear me?’ Jesse shook me.

  I pushed him away. ‘Mind your business.’

  ‘Fine.’ He threw off my hand. ‘You win.’ He turned and left, making his way through the crowd.

  I collapsed back onto the chair, then stumbled to the bathroom. When I opened the door there were two figures kissing in the darkness. ‘Sorry.’ I pulled the door closed and went to Brian’s bedroom. Slumped on the bed, I closed my eyes, my head spinning and spinning and spinning. Something jostled me. I opened my eyes and saw Brian sitting beside me.