The Good Daughter

by Amra Pajalic

  ‘Are you okay?’ He held my hand.

  I nodded, but stopped short as my head began to ache. ‘I guess.’

  My eyes filled with tears and I covered my mouth. He lay down beside me and I curled against him. He caressed my hair and whispered in my ear. I was crying so much I didn’t realise he was saying sorry over and over.

  ‘It’s not your fault.’ I cupped his cheek. ‘I’m the one who stuffed up and kissed him.’

  ‘You’re crying because you kissed Jesse?’

  I wiped my face.

  Brian sat up. ‘I thought—’

  I sat up and rubbed his back. ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing, it doesn’t matter.’ He lay down again and pulled me with him. ‘So you and Jesse?’

  I nodded and settled my head on his chest. ‘Have you ever kissed someone and it felt like heaven?’ I listened to the beating of his heart.

  ‘Yes,’ Brian said.

  I lifted my head. ‘Who was she?’

  ‘It’s not important.’ He pushed my head back onto his chest. ‘Are you and Jesse together?’

  ‘Nah.’ I remembered Jesse’s face and my heart started pounding again.

  I yawned and, as I moved my head, my face rubbed against Brian’s. His beard tickled my face and it felt so nice, I did it again. ‘Mmm,’ I murmured.

  I opened my eyes. Brian was gazing at my lips; his eyes were heavy-lidded. He moved his head closer and kissed me, his tongue tasting of cigarettes and Jack Daniels. Jesse’s kiss was gentle and tender, but Brian’s kiss was carnal and determined.

  He moved on top of me and held himself on his arms, his lower body pinning mine to the bed. As his hips thrust against me, the zipper of his jeans rubbed between my legs and his groin pressed between my thighs. His hand went down my top and he gently squeezed my breast. He stopped as abruptly as he’d started. His breath was heavy over my own panting.

  ‘Sorry.’ He kissed my forehead. ‘I had to know.’ He lay on his back and covered his eyes with his arm.

  ‘Know what?’ I asked as I leaned over him. ‘Know how this feels.’ I kissed him, my hand moving between his legs. As I touched him he hardened against my hand. There was one part of me floating above the bed, shocked at what I was doing. I hadn’t even gone to second base with a boy before. The other part of me was thrilled at my own daring.

  ‘No, Sabiha.’ Brian put his hand on mine and tried to move it away. ‘Stop.’

  I met his eyes. ‘Do you really want me to stop?’ My hand was still moving up and down.

  I started lowering my head—perhaps Dina and Gemma were right about blowjobs. I’d never imagined doing something like that—at least not until I was in a serious relationship—but I wanted to be close to Brian.

  He pulled me back up and cupped my head as he kissed me, pushing me back on the bed. I groped to undo his zipper and put my hand down his pants. As I held him in my hands I was surprised at how soft his skin was. His hand covered mine and he pushed it up and down in a stroking motion. His forehead was pressed against mine and he moaned as warm liquid covered my hand.

  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up as his chest heaved. It wasn’t until his tears dripped on my neck that I realised he was crying.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he whispered between sobs.

  I wanted to ask what was wrong, to comfort him, but I was so tired I couldn’t move.

  In the morning I was alone in the bed. I pushed myself up, feeling woozy and nauseous. What had I done last night? I was never getting drunk again. It wasn’t worth the agony and humiliation. When I stood my head pounded. I carried my backpack into the bathroom and had a shower. When I got out I heard dishes clattering. I hesitated. How was I going to face Brian after what we had done the night before?

  ‘Sabiha, is that you?’ Brian called out.

  ‘Yes.’ I shuffled into the kitchen, my eyes on the floor.

  ‘You want some?’ He held up two slices of bread.

  ‘Ta.’ I sat on the kitchen counter.

  ‘Drink this.’ He handed me orange juice.

  I wanted to heave when I remembered all the vodka and orange drinks I’d had the night before. He put the toast in front of me and handed me butter and jam. After I’d eaten the toast, my stomach settled. I relaxed, pleased that everything was okay between Brian and me. ‘I’ll help you clean.’

  He took the sponge from my hand. ‘You’d better get going. Dina called and she’ll be home by midday.’

  What had happened? She’d made a big deal about me not going home before three o’clock, so she could spend Sunday afternoon with Tony. ‘Okay.’ I lifted my backpack and waited for him to turn. He did, slowly. I kissed him on the lips. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t kiss me back either.

  ‘I haven’t brushed my teeth yet,’ he said in response to my questioning look. He put his arm around my waist and led me to the front door. He lowered his head and I pursed my lips for a kiss. His lips landed on my cheek.

  ‘Maybe I should stay.’ I stopped walking. ‘We need to talk about Jesse and what we’re going to tell him.’

  ‘I can’t now. I have to clean up before my parents come home.’ He gestured down the hallway. ‘We’ll talk to Jesse tomorrow.’

  At least I wouldn’t have to face Jesse alone. Brian had cried after we’d messed around—he must feel guilty about Jesse. But I’d never had doubts about liking Brian and now I finally had the chance to be with him. My mistake had been to kiss Jesse. I’d been vulnerable and let his attentiveness sway me.

  There was no one home to answer my knocking. I used the spare key and went to my room. As I lay in bed with my eyes closed I kept seeing flashes from the night before. Whenever Jesse’s face appeared, I was filled with shame. If only I hadn’t let him kiss me. I pushed him out of my mind and concentrated on Brian, remembering our night together. It had finally happened and we were officially together.

  I waited all day Sunday to hear from him. Whenever I tried calling, his phone was engaged. I started feeling the first inkling of concern.

  On Monday morning I headed for the oval. Dina and Gemma were waiting. ‘Slut!’ Gemma headed for me like a bulldog on the attack.

  Dina stepped between us. ‘Stop it.’ Dina pushed her away. ‘Is it true?’

  ‘What?’ I frowned at her.

  ‘Did you come onto Rob?’ Dina asked.

  ‘I saw her!’ Gemma shouted.

  ‘He came onto me,’ I mumbled.

  ‘Fucking liar!’ Gemma was screaming. ‘He would never do that.’

  Dina held Gemma’s arm. ‘Ease up.’

  ‘No.’ Gemma threw Dina’s hand off. ‘Either you believe me or you believe her.’

  ‘No, Gemma.’ Dina held her hand up in a placating gesture. ‘Either I believe Sabiha or I believe Rob.’

  Gemma’s mouth gaped open. ‘You’re taking that slag’s side.’

  ‘I’m not taking sides,’ Dina said. ‘I’m trying to be fair.’

  ‘You wogs stick together. Rob told me not to trust you.’

  Dina stepped back as if she’d been hit.

  ‘Stop it,’ I snapped at Gemma.

  ‘What else did Rob say?’ Dina asked, her voice sharp as cut glass.

  Gemma turned away, realising she’d crossed a line.

  ‘Come on, Gemma. Since Rob is such an expert I want to hear all about myself,’ Dina baited.

  Gemma jabbed her finger at me. ‘This is all your fault.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’ Dina knocked her hand away again. ‘It’s our fault.’ She put her arm across my shoulders. ‘We’re lying wogs.’

  I thought Gemma was going to back down. Her eyes blinked as if she were about to cry, but then she squared her shoulders. ‘Rob was right,’ she spat out. ‘You can only be friends with your own kind.’

  Dina threw Gemma’s backpack down the oval. ‘Then find your own fucking kind!’

  Gemma scurried to pick it up and ran off, bumping into Adnan as he walked towards us.

/>   ‘What was that about?’ he asked.

  Dina flashed me a look of caution. ‘Nothing at all.’ She gave him a huge fake grin.

  Brian came over. I ran and kissed him on the lips. ‘What did I miss?’ he asked.

  Adnan watched, doing his macho ‘head of the family’ act, as I hugged Brian and pulled his arms around me, daring Adnan to say something.

  I closed my eyes and burrowed into Brian’s chest. The bell rang. ‘I need to talk to you at lunchtime,’ I said. We urgently needed to figure out what to say to Jesse. I did not want to be responsible for messing up their friendship.

  ‘Sure.’ Brian headed to class.

  I dawdled. First period was English with Jesse. He looked at me as if he didn’t recognise me. I walked to the back of the class, haunted by his stony face.

  At lunch Dina and I met at the front of the school. After fifteen minutes Brian was nowhere to be seen. ‘I’m going to check the oval,’ I told Dina.’

  Dina pulled out a Cosmo magazine. ‘Whatever.’

  I spent ten minutes checking the soccer groups. When I ran back, Dina was still on her own. ‘He didn’t turn up?’ I gasped.

  Dina shook her head. ‘Are you sure he’s not avoiding you?’ She licked her finger and flicked the page. ‘He didn’t seem that excited to see you this morning.’

  It was exactly what I’d been thinking. ‘Even if he is,’ I admitted, ‘it’s only because Adnan is being a prick.’ It was the only reason I could think of for Brian’s behaviour. After all, Brian had come on to me after he’d found out I’d kissed Jesse. That meant he liked me. ‘Right?’ I asked Dina after I’d repeated my theory.

  ‘Who knows what goes on in the minds of men?’ she asked bitterly. ‘Maybe now he’s got you, he doesn’t want you.’

  ‘Brian wouldn’t do that,’ I denied, trying to convince myself as well.

  The bell rang and Dina put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Take it from someone who’s no longer surprised by the idiocy of men. Be prepared.’ Her eyes were full of pain.

  I should have asked her about her weekend with Tony, instead of being so totally self-obsessed. Now I’d neglected her, too. I slowed my steps. I had Psychology and was spending two periods with Jesse. Could this day get any worse?

  We’d been working in pairs for a few weeks and, of course, I was partners with Jesse. As everyone matched up, Jesse headed over. I stared at the table. He dropped his folder on my desk. I flinched.

  ‘I’ve followed up those articles in the library,’ he announced as he sat down and read through his notes in a monotone voice. I could feel his distaste at being close to me. ‘Is there anything you have to add?’

  ‘Um, no…’ My voice was barely a whisper.

  He grabbed his folder and went to stand, but changed his mind. He dropped the folder on the desk again and turned in the chair so that he faced me. ‘I want to know why you did it?’ Jesse demanded.

  I couldn’t meet his eyes. ‘It just happened—’

  ‘Cut the crap,’ Jesse interrupted. ‘Why Brian of all people?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I looked up. ‘You know I’ve always liked Brian.’

  ‘Yes, but he’s had the talk with you,’ Jesse said. ‘So I don’t understand why—’

  ‘Yes, we had the talk.’ I was getting angry. While I knew that I’d treated him badly, he didn’t have the right to tell me who I could or couldn’t be with. ‘He was the one who kissed me. He was the one who changed his mind about us being more than friends.’

  ‘He kissed you?’ Jesse asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. Jesse stared out the window behind me, a perplexed look on his face. ‘Jesse, I’m sorry about what happened between us,’ I said. ‘I shouldn’t have led you on when I always had feelings for Brian.’

  ‘Have you talked to Brian since Saturday?’ Jesse asked.

  ‘We haven’t had a chance—’

  ‘This is a mess.’ Jesse put his hands through his hair. ‘Sabiha, you must know that Brian is—’

  ‘Class, please face the front,’ the teacher said.

  Jesse sighed in frustration and returned to his desk.

  I hesitated before I knocked on Brian’s front door. I’d waited for him after school. When he didn’t show up I’d walked up Main Road and, before I knew it, I was in his street. ‘Just do it.’ I psyched myself up and knocked.

  His brother Greg opened the door. ‘Brian’s friend right?’ I nodded. ‘He’s in his room.’ He showed me through.

  I knocked before pushing the door open and then froze, trying to make sense of what was in front of me. Brian and Adnan were frantically pulling up their pants; their hair was mussed and their cheeks were flushed.

  ‘What—’ I started, but Adnan rushed over and yanked me into the bedroom.

  what comes around, goes around

  He closed the door and pushed me onto the bed, his hand covering my mouth. ‘You will not tell anybody what you just saw.’ He squeezed my jaw so hard I could barely breathe.

  Brian pulled him away. ‘She won’t tell anyone.’

  ‘How do you know?’ Adnan shoved him. Brian fell into the wall. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have come to your house.’ I thought he would kick Brian. Instead he pulled on his jacket and headed for the door.

  ‘Don’t leave like this,’ Brian said, following him. ‘Please Adnan,’ he begged, as he kissed his neck.

  There was triumph in Adnan’s eyes. I turned away, filled with sickening disbelief: he hadn’t been possessive of me this morning, but of Brian. I jammed my hand over my mouth, stifling my sobs. They made suckling noises as they kissed.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ Adnan murmured.

  The door closed and I was alone with Brian. He sat next to me on the bed. ‘How long?’ I grunted.

  ‘It was there from the beginning.’ He lit up a cigarette. ‘But it didn’t happen until the party.’

  I remembered the two figures I’d seen embracing in the bathroom. ‘It was you.’ I turned to him. ‘You were kissing in the bathroom.’

  His eyes were wet with tears. He took a puff of his cigarette, but didn’t look at me as he nodded.

  ‘Then why did you kiss me?’ I asked.

  He exhaled and finally met my gaze. ‘I had to know for sure if I was gay.’

  I closed my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? He’d all but told me after he kissed me, but I hadn’t listened. ‘You used me,’ I whispered. What we’d done together now overwhelmed me with shame. We hadn’t gone all the way, but we’d done more than kiss.

  ‘Don’t play innocent,’ Brian said. ‘You knew all along.’

  I kept shaking my head.

  He pulled my face to his and put his forehead on mine. ‘Yes, you did.’ He moved my head so that I nodded. ‘You used me, too.’

  I opened my eyes. ‘No, I didn’t,’ I whispered.

  ‘I stopped.’ He smiled bitterly. ‘You kept going.’

  I pulled away and ran for the door.

  ‘Will you tell anyone?’ he asked.

  I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob as I turned to look at him. His back was to me, his shoulders hunched in misery, and a wispy cloud of cigarette smoke floated around his head. I wished I’d never found out. There was no way I would ever tell Auntie Zehra what I’d seen today. I’d destroy their family. Adnan was the golden child on whom they hung all their hopes and dreams. I left without answering.

  I walked out of Brian’s house in tears and saw Jesse heading towards me. Why did he always have to see me at my lowest point?

  Jesse took my arm and walked me down the street. ‘So Brian told you he was gay?’

  ‘When did he tell you?’ How come I was the last one to find out?

  ‘I always knew he was gay.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t,’ I said flatly.

  ‘Will you be okay?’ he asked, before I had a chance to get angry.

  I nodded. He made me feel worse by being nice to me. He should hate my guts after what I’d done to him. ‘I’d better ge
t going.’ I edged down the road.

  ‘Okay,’ Jesse said softly.

  All I wanted was somehow to go back in time: I wouldn’t have gone to Jesse’s house and kissed him, I wouldn’t have got drunk and come on to Brian and I wouldn’t know Adnan’s secret. I wanted to return to my state of innocence.

  The house was silent when I got home. I walked into the living room and stopped abruptly. Mum and Auntie Zehra were sitting on either side of Dido. Mum had one arm around Dido’s shoulders and Auntie was patting his knee. Safet was smoking by himself on the other side of the sofa.

  ‘You heard…’ Mum hugged me. ‘I know it’s sad, baby.’ Her touch made me want to bawl again. The phone rang and Mum answered. ‘The djenaza will be tomorrow at the djamija at one o’clock,’ she said once she’d hung up.

  The funeral will be at the Mosque…I gulped. What? Who’d died? My head hurt from crying, but I didn’t have time to indulge my emotions any more. I had to find out what had happened or all the lies I’d constructed over the past few months would implode.

  Mum headed to the kitchen. ‘I’ll make coffee.’

  ‘I’ll help.’ I followed her. ‘So the funeral is tomorrow?’

  Mum nodded as she filled the kettle with water. ‘You know Muslims bury their dead within twenty-four hours.’ Mum patted my arm. ‘It would be nice if you comforted Dido.’

  Now I was getting somewhere. It had to be Dido’s relative. Didn’t he have a brother in Germany…?

  ‘Give him a hug, tell him how sorry you are.’

  I peeked at Dido in the living room. His mouth gaped as he sobbed. I’d only ever hugged Dido once, when he first arrived in Australia and we met him at the airport. Since then our relationship had been based on strict avoidance. I had no idea how I’d hug him or what he’d do if I did.

  ‘It’s so terrible for the family.’ Mum shook her head as she prepared the tray.

  Shit. So it wasn’t anyone in our family… ‘How did it happen?’ I was praying for another clue.