A Different Shade of Violet?

by K E Osborn

  “Then don’t think and just allow yourself to feel. Be open to love – love our baby, let it love you back and live only for the now. Don’t think about the things that could happen. Just live, Vee, and let me take care of you and the little bean.”

  I nod and look up into his eyes. He looks back at me so lovingly it completely melts my heart. “Okay,” I whisper and lean up to kiss him. “I love you, Hudson.”

  “I love you and our baby, I couldn’t be any happier if I tried. You, me and baby bean, that’s all I need,” he says as Midas jumps up onto the bed. “Oh, and maybe Midas as well,” he says making me chuckle as I lean in and kiss him solidly for as long as his lungs will let me.

  Hudson and I slept in each other’s arms all night and well into the next day. I eventually let my bladder rule me and I get out of bed to use the en-suite. As I wash my hands and look back into the bedroom, I see Hudson smiling at me and perving on my naked body.

  “See something you like?”

  “Well yes, that too, but I was just looking at your stomach and imagining what our baby will be like. Will it be a boy or a girl? Who will it look like? Just that sort of stuff,” he says with a great big smile.

  I look down at my belly, moving my hand to caress my flat stomach. I walk back into the bedroom and climb onto the bed sitting over the top of Hudson. He grabs my hips and rubs his thumbs on either side of my skin.

  “Will you still love me when I’m ugly and fat?” I ask and he chuckles.

  “Baby, you will never be ugly, fat yes, but never ugly. And yes I will love you, every bit as much as I love you now. Watching you grow with my kid inside you, I can’t think of anything more beautiful,” he says and I smile then lean down gently kissing him. He runs his hands up my back and the contact makes me want to take this kiss further. But I won’t, not yet. I want him to be healed before I try to take his breath away.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad,” he whispers against my lips.

  I chuckle and sit back up. “I know. You’re going to be such a good one too.”

  “I guess I better feed you, especially now you’re eating for two,” Hudson says and I nod caressing my stomach again. Even though I can’t actually feel anything different, other than my breasts being a bit tender, knowing there’s a life inside of me fills me with a new hope. The Violet Widow has all but disappeared now and Violet Dyson is back, and I have never been so happy to have her here.

  Today is my birthday and Hudson wants to take me out tonight to celebrate. He won’t tell me where we’re going, and I don’t mind. A surprise is always nice, as long as it’s a good surprise. But during the day I’m going home. I talked it over with Hudson and I’ve decided that if we’re going to live in his house, then I need to do something with mine. Yes, I could rent my home out, but to be honest I need to let it go and the only way to do that is to sell my house. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, and Hudson was there supporting me in the decision and holding me while I cried. He told me we could keep it, but I need to start again, I need to let go of the past and think about my new future with Hudson and our baby bean. The only way to do that is to let go.

  Hudson’s been amazing. He said I can bring anything I want from my old home into his. Seeing as it will be our home now he wants me to bring my flair to the house, so it’s ours and not just his. I plan on bringing in a few photos to place around the house just so I know my boys are not forgotten. Hudson doesn’t even mind if I bring in some photos of Danny, but I’ll only have ones with Danny and Caiden in them. I think any photos with just me and Danny is a little too much to ask of Hudson, so it’s family shots only. The rest of my boys’ things will be put into storage. I can’t bear to sell any of it. Maybe one day I will be able to fully let go, but for now I need to still have their things. Even if they will just be sitting in storage collecting dust.

  “You ready to go, baby?” Hudson asks and I nod.

  I don’t know why I feel nervous about going home, but I do. I haven’t been there in months and I can’t even begin to imagine the dust that must have accumulated.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  I nod. “Yeah sorry, just haven’t been home in a long time and I’m a bit… I don’t know… nervous?” I say and he frowns and pulls me to him kissing my head.

  “I can come in with you if you want?” he asks and I think about it for a moment, but then I realise that this is something I have to do alone. I need to let go of my old life so I can start a new one.

  “Thanks, but I think I need to do this. I need to say goodbye.”

  “I want to go somewhere on the way, is that okay with you?”

  I nod and smile at him trying to hide my anguish.

  “Okay, I’ll let Macca know we’re ready,” he says and I nod while he walks out of the bedroom.

  I take a minute just to breathe, to calm myself. I straighten out my purple dress, the one Danny always loved. I thought it would be fitting to wear it for him one last time as I say goodbye.

  I walk out to the lounge room to see Macca standing patting Midas while Hudson picks up his wallet and sunglasses. “You ready to go guys?” Macca asks and I nod.

  “We’re good to make that stop first mate,” Hudson says and I wonder where we’re going. But I am honestly too uptight to bother asking.

  We all walk out to Macca’s car, Hudson and I are avoiding driving for a while, just until we are both fully recovered. Hudson goes to sit in the back with me and I smile at him, he’s so gorgeous the way he always wants to be with me.

  “Sit in the front with Macca, babe, I’ll be fine,” I whisper as he opens the door for me.

  “You sure?”

  I lean up and kiss him quickly on the lips and then hop into the car and shut the door giving him no option. He chuckles and opens the passenger door getting in.

  The car ride is filled with laughter as Macca and Hudson talk about all sorts of things. I just sit back and listen watching Hudson with his best friend. It’s so good to see them getting along so well.

  I notice we turn down a street that’s all too familiar to me. I tense up slightly and hope we’re not going where I think we are. And just as my nerves are flying through the roof we turn into the Enfield Memorial Park. My bottom lip trembles and I try my hardest to keep my eyes dry.

  “Why are we here?” I ask. How could Hudson know this is where Danny and Caiden are? He knows I’ve never visited them, so why would I start now?

  “To visit Adam, it’s been too long and I honestly just want to show you off to him. If that’s okay?” Hudson asks and I relax a little.

  “Sure babe,” I say as Macca parks the car and we all file out.

  Hudson comes over and takes my hand. “You okay? You seem a little on edge?” he asks while he scrunches his brows.

  “I’m fine, let’s go see Adam,” I reply and he takes my hand and we walk through the lush grass avoiding the memorial plaques as we go. This place is so beautiful, I always thought it was a dark and depressing place, but the only time I’ve been here was for my boys’ funerals and I haven’t been back since. We finally stop at the edge just under a tree. It really is a pretty place considering what it is.

  “Hey Adam,” Macca says as Hudson holds me a little closer and tighter.

  I look up into his eyes to see they’re watering slightly. I hold onto him as tightly as I can for support. It must be so hard for him to be here visiting his deceased best friend with his new best friend.

  “Hey Ads, I’d like you to meet my fiancée and the mother of my growing baby, Violet Dyson. She is pretty, hey?” Hudson says followed by a sniff.

  I can’t help but notice the fresh flowers on his grave.

  “Hannah must have been here recently,” Macca says confusing me.

  Hudson must see my confusion. “Hannah is Adam’s wife. She always brings tulips. They were the flowers she had at their wedding,” Hudson informs me and it makes me want to cry. I know how Hannah feels, losing a husband
is never easy. But at least Hannah is brave enough to visit her husband. I’m the terrible one who hasn’t visited Danny in the nearly six years he’s been gone.

  I can’t help it as I think of how horrible Danny must have felt knowing I never visited him and I can’t control a sob that escapes my mouth. My hand shoots up to my lips as I try to hide my inner turmoil.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? I don’t want you to cry on your birthday,” Hudson says taking me in his arms and holding onto me so tightly.

  I decide that seeing as we’re going for honesty in our relationship now is the best time to tell Hudson. “Danny and Caiden are here. Hannah visits her husband all the time and I haven’t visited them… not even once. I’m such a terrible wife and mother,” I say as the tears fall freely down my face.

  “Hey, it’s okay, Vee. You just don’t deal with grief very well. We’ve shown you off to Adam we can leave now,” Hudson says.

  “Yeah, sorry Violet, it was my idea to come here today. I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” Macca says and I look at him and shake my head.

  “No, it’s not your fault, Macca. I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” I say and he shakes his head.

  “Don’t ever say sorry for feeling grief, Violet. You’re allowed to feel whatever you need to feel,” Macca tells me as Hudson holds me tightly.

  “C’mon baby, let’s get you out of here.” He goes to walk off and I tense up. He stops and looks back at me as I look over in the direction of Danny and Caiden. “Vee?” Hudson asks.

  “Can I… I mean, would it be too much for you if we went to visit them? Just to say… goodbye. I’m going to the house, so I might as well see them while I’m here. Maybe this is what I need to let go?” I state almost in a whisper trying to convince myself as I continue to look in the direction of their graves.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want you to be too stressed out. I mean you’re pregnant Vee, and any stress is bad for our baby. But if you think you’ll be okay and you want me to come with you, I will support you, you know that,” he says wrapping his arm around my waist.

  I look back at him and nod. “I’d like to say goodbye to my boys, and I need you to be with me.”

  “Of course,” he says and I look back at Macca.

  “I’ll stay and chat with Adam if that’s okay?” Macca asks and I know he’s only saying that so Hudson and I can do this alone, but I’m grateful that Macca understands.

  “Thanks Macca,” I say and he smiles and pats me on the shoulder.

  Hudson tightens his grip around my waist and we start the walk toward the section where my boys are located. They have their own wall and small little garden area. Danny’s parents paid for it, and Danny and Caiden are buried next to each other in the small garden.

  “If it gets too much you tell me, okay?” Hudson asks and for some reason instead of feeling overwhelming grief, I feel at ease and calm. It’s that old feeling I used to feel at home when I thought I could feel Danny with me, I feel that now and it soothes me to my core.

  We arrive at the little garden and walk up to their plaques on the wall. I look at the inscription.

  In loving memory of Daniel James Dyson and Caiden Daniel Dyson.

  A father and son, living together in heaven for eternity.

  You can now fly with the Angels.

  Rest In Peace.

  My bottom lip trembles as I stare at the inscription.

  “This is beautiful, Vee,” Hudson says as I continue to stare. A tear runs down my cheek and Hudson quickly wipes it away.

  “Is it too much?” he asks looking at me intensely. I shake my head and reach out and gently touch their plaque.

  “I’m just remembering the good times. I’m crying because I am happy. Danny is looking after Caiden and they’ll be together forever. They have each other and that’s all that matters,” I say and Hudson half-smiles and holds me tightly.

  “Mummy loves you Caiden, and you’re going to be a big brother. I’ll make sure baby bean knows all about you,” I say and I whisper an ‘I love you’ to Danny in my head.

  Hudson leans in kissing my head and I wrap my arms around his waist pulling myself as close as I can get to him.

  “Thank you for coming with me, and for bringing me here today. I think it’s the closure I needed.”

  “We can stay for as long as you need to,” he says and I look over at the white rose bush growing in the garden. I let go of Hudson and walk across to it. He stands back and watches me as I pick two rose buds from the bush and bring them back over… to where the plaque is on the wall… to where I know their bodies are beneath the lush grass.

  “You’ll be in my heart, forever,” I whisper as I kneel down on the grass, kiss each rose bud and then place them gently on the ground. I wipe a tear falling down my cheek and I sit back on my heels, just staring up at the plaque.

  Hudson rests his hand on my shoulder and caresses it gently for comfort. I move my hand up to hold his and I silently sit and just relish in the presence I feel surrounding me. A warmth and love that’s engulfing my entire body and I know Danny and Caiden are here, and I hope that when I go home and I’m there by myself that they are there too and I can say a proper goodbye.

  I stand up and look at Hudson. He watches me intently and I nod at him resting my forehead against his and closing my eyes.

  “I’m proud of you, Vee. I know coming here must’ve been really hard. But you are doing so well. Your boys know you love them,” Hudson whispers against my lips and I open my eyes and look into Hudson’s blue and green orbs and I know that through all the torment, through all the pain, all the grief and loss, that in Hudson I have found my home, and I know without a doubt that he is and will always be, my happily ever after.

  We arrive at my house and the presence I felt at the cemetery, I still feel with me now. It’s making today a lot easier, and even though it’s my birthday and I’m saying goodbye to my house and my boys, it doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it. It’s been a kind of a relief to say goodbye, and in a strange way, it’s the best birthday I’ve had in six years.

  I get out of Macca’s car and Hudson steps out with me.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come inside with you? I don’t mind?” he asks looking into my eyes.

  I smile at him and nod. “I’m sure, I need to do this. I’ll pack up what I want and then the rest can go into storage when the movers come. I’m okay I promise,” I say and lean on my toes to kiss him.

  “Well, I’ll be out with Macca, but if you need me just call. Otherwise, I’ll come back in a couple of hours to pick you up, okay? Then I’m taking you out to dinner to celebrate your birthday—”

  “You don’t have to do that—”

  “Shh, I want to. We need something happy through all the sadness that is today,” he says and I nod.

  “Can you wait here till I get inside? Just to make sure I don’t want to run?” I ask and he frowns.

  “I can come inside with you. I honestly don’t mind, baby.”

  I smile and shake my head. “I’ll be fine, just wait till I’m inside, okay?”

  He exhales and pauses. “I love you,” he says and I kiss him quickly.

  “I know, me too,” I say and let go of him while I start to pull my keys out of my bag.

  I look back at Hudson and smile then unlock the door and walk inside. I turn back to see him watching me and I smile and close the door.

  I hear the car door shut and I walk inside and turn on the light switch. The dust is millimeters thick over everything, it all looks the same as when I was last here. But this time I feel like I am home. A smile crosses my face as I feel a gentle breeze brush past me. I turn to look and all the windows are shut and so is the door. I smile as the hairs on my arms stand to attention and warmth invades my body.

  “Hi Danny,” I whisper and I close my eyes as I smile.

  Ring. Ring. My mobile rings making me jump, I open my eyes and search through my bag to find my phone.

  “Hello?
”

  “Hey baby, just checking you’re okay before we go,” Hudson says down the line and I smile so widely at his thoughtfulness.

  “I’m fine, thanks for checking, but you and Macca go and have a good time. I’ll be packing and then you can pick me up in an hour or two, or whenever you’re finished having your male bonding time,” I say and he chuckles.

  “Okay, but if you need me I’m only a phone call away.”

  “I know, now go, I have work to do,” I tease and he laughs.

  “Try not to get too upset, okay? Just remember I’m here for you, always.”

  “I know, that’s what’s making this so easy for me. Knowing you’re there for me and baby bean, means everything to me Hudson.”

  “Always baby, always. I’ll call you when we’re on our way back to you.”

  “Sure, have fun.”

  “Bye, my beautiful fiancée,” he says making me smile.

  “Bye, future husband,” I reply and then hang up the phone.

  I stand in the middle of the lounge room and look at the photos of me and my boys. It’s funny how this place turned into a kind of hell for me, but now I feel at peace and I know that I’m doing the right thing. I’ve held on to them for far too long and now that I have another, well, two people to think about, I need to let Danny and Caiden go. Not from my memory or my heart, but just loosen the leash I have around them and let them fade to the back, so I can still see them, but they’re not in the forefront of my life anymore.

  I walk over to the sofa and I sit down just looking at my house that was a home with my first family. I loved it here. I loved the life I had and I loved my family more than anything. It is sad that I have to let this place go, but it’s a necessary evil that I must do.

  I stand up and walk toward the hallway and down to my bedroom. I smile as I walk in and toward the walk-in robe. I stop and look at Danny’s clothes. I can picture him wearing them and it brings a smile to my face. I take out his favourite hoodie and hold it to my chest with both hands almost hugging it in a way. I lift it up and smell it, and it faintly smells like Danny, but that has mostly faded now. The hairs on my arm stand up again and the warmth fills me from my very core.