A Different Shade of Violet?

by K E Osborn

  “Hey Danny,” I whisper and close my eyes tightly.

  An image of Danny flashes into my mind. He’s standing in front of me and smiling so brightly it makes my heart flutter.

  “I’m glad you were with me at the cemetery today, you made it so much easier. I’m really sorry I haven’t come to see you and our boy before. I just didn’t have the strength. I put up this wall thinking I was this tough as fuck person, who didn’t take shit from anyone. Really, I was just trying to hide how utterly weak I really was without you two…” I pause and open my eyes. “But I’m stronger now. More than I ever was as The Violet Widow. I guess now I am a different shade of Violet? I’m able to function. I can breathe again. I feel like I’m finally alive and able to live life the way I’m meant to live it. I try not to imagine how life would be now if you were still here because that wouldn’t do me any good. Plus, I wouldn’t have Hudson or this little miracle inside me right now. So I guess things have a way of turning out even though it was unpredicted. This is the right life for me now. I know you would’ve hated who I’d become. TVW was a monster and I swear to you, to Caiden, to Hudson and to baby bean that I will never go back to that lifestyle. I won’t disappoint you again, Danny. I promise,” I say and exhale as the breeze wafts across my face.

  I smile and walk back out into the bedroom, taking Danny’s hoodie with me. I walk over to the chest of drawers and pull out Danny’s aftershave. I smile when I see the half empty bottle. I pull off the small silver cap and spray once onto the hoodie and I can’t stop the smile forming when Danny’s smell invades my senses. I close my eyes and flashes of our past run through my mind. The day we met at school… our first kiss… the first time we made love… holding Caiden in the birthing suite for the first time… the last hug we ever gave each other. I gasp as the last image knocks the wind from my lungs. My eyes well with tears and I let out a small sob. I miss him and the last hug I ever got from Danny was the best. He held me, told me he loved me and he would be back with some ice cream. I open my eyes and a tear falls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and hold onto his hoodie tighter.

  I walk over to our bed and sit on the edge, just taking in the room around me. Everything in here is so Danny, even down to the large television sitting on the dresser. I wipe the tears away and smile, forcing that haunting image out and bringing back images of Danny playing with Caiden in the backyard. I chuckle to myself as Danny throws Caiden in the air and then catches him. Caiden’s little fits of laughter melting my heart, making me feel nothing but pure devotion and utter adoration for our son.

  I want to be close to Caiden, so I stand up, taking Danny’s hoodie with me and walk down the hallway toward Caiden’s room. I open the door and my heart is fluttering in my chest, not thudding but beating like I’m excited. I walk in and it’s exactly the same as I remember. His teddy sits on his pillow and I smile looking at the toys on the floor.

  I miss him so much and having another baby is as scary as hell. I just hope Caiden would be happy to be a big brother. I walk over and sit down on his single bed and pick up his teddy with one hand holding the hoodie in the other.

  I embrace them both together like I’m hugging my boys for the last time. I want to take a moment before I have to start packing, to just be in the moment, so I lay down on Caiden’s bed and rest the bear and the hoodie on my chest. I can smell them both and it’s calming and soothing me like they were actually here. I close my eyes as a smile crosses my face. I’m so relaxed that I can feel myself getting heavy as I hold onto my boys tightly.

  “Mummy wake up,” I hear Caiden saying as I feel him nudging my arm.

  I open my eyes to see a bright light. I blink a few times getting my bearings. I finally realise I’m lying in a field, and the sun is shining so brightly it’s lighting up the sky in beautiful golds and pinks. I feel the nudge on my arm again and I turn my head to see Caiden sitting cross-legged on the grass next to me with a giant smile on his face.

  “Hey, little man,” I say and he jumps up and runs around me flinging himself onto the ground. I furrow my brows when I hear a grunt and I turn to see Caiden has jumped on Danny, who is also lying beside me.

  “Easy kid, you wanna break my ribs or something?” Danny says and I smile seeing his beautiful face.

  “You’re both here?” I ask and they look at me and nod.

  “We never left. I only said that to get you to move on, Lettie,” Danny says and my eyes well with tears.

  The sun is shining so brightly, I feel so warm as I look at Caiden, who’s looking at my stomach.

  “Are you both, okay?” I ask as I sit up and face Danny. Caiden jumps off his dad and sits in my lap while Danny sits up facing me.

  “We’re great now that you are okay,” Danny says as I cuddle into Caiden.

  “I miss you both, so much.”

  “We know Mummy, but you have Hudson now, and he’s taking great care of you. I like him Mummy, and I like his drawings on his arm and chest,” Caiden says and I laugh.

  “Honey they’re tattoos, and I like them too,” I say and Danny smiles.

  “I’m so glad you found him, Lettie. All I want is for you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you,” Danny says, and he takes my hand in his caressing my skin softly.

  “Caiden, go get your gift for Mummy,” Danny says and Caiden nods and jumps out of my lap and runs toward the sun. I watch him, but it’s so bright I have to turn my eyes back to Danny. He stands up and puts his hand out for me to take. I do and he lifts me up and into an embrace. I lean into his chest and take in his smell and warmth.

  “I love you, Lettie, don’t ever forget that but don’t let it hold you back either. Love Hudson, love him like you loved me, and that will make Hudson the happiest man alive. Your love is infectious, Lettie, and let yourself love your new family. It doesn’t mean you love us any less… don’t hold back. Promise me?” Danny asks caressing my hair.

  I look up at him and smile. “I promise,” I reply and he leans down gently kissing my cheek. I lean into him and relish his touch, even now he can still make my heart skip a beat.

  “I love you, like the sun and clouds above, Lettie. I will always be with you and watching down on you. Now that you’ve found your peace, I can have mine. I approve of Hudson. I approve of your life now, and I want you to live it without looking back. Just live for the now and be happy, that’s all I ask of you.”

  I look into his bright blue eyes and smile. “I promise, Danny,” I say and he leans in kissing my forehead as Caiden comes running back with his teddy bear.

  “Live Lettie,” Danny says as he lets me go and smiles so brightly it temporarily blinds me. I close my eyes for a moment when I feel a tugging on my hand. I open my eyes back up and Danny is gone. I look around as the tugging continues.

  “Mummy, look,” Caiden says as I look down at him with a tear in my eye.

  He shoves the teddy bear in my arms and smiles as I wipe the tear from my cheek.

  “It’s your teddy, baby, you should have him,” I say trying to hand the teddy back to him. He shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest with a smirk.

  “It’s not for me anymore, Mummy, it’s for my sister,” he says and I open my eyes wide in shock.

  “What do you mean, your sister?” I ask and he puts his hand out and splays his fingers out across my belly.

  “You have an angel watching over you Mummy, and you should name my sister after her,” he says and I smile kneeling down, so I’m the same level as him.

  “And what’s this angel’s name?”

  “Ariel! She’s been protecting you for the last six years and my little sister should be named after her,” he says leaning in and cuddling me.

  “How do you know the baby is a sister?”

  “I can just tell. Give her my teddy. It will let me watch over her. I will protect my little sister Mummy. For all her life I will be watching down on her,” Caiden says and I rub my belly as a tear slides slowly down my face.r />
  “I love you, Caiden, but you should keep your teddy. He’s your favourite.”

  He shakes his head. “I want Ariel to have him. Please Mummy, please? For me?”

  “Okay baby. I like the name, Ariel,” I say and he smiles wrapping his arms around my neck.

  “Me too, and she’s really pretty, just like my little sister will be,” he says and I smile and kiss his forehead.

  “I have to go soon, Mummy, but can you sing to me before I have to leave?”

  “Anything for you, my baby boy.” He crawls back into my lap and I stroke his hair as I start to sing the words to, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.’ He rocks back and forth in my arms and he slowly drifts off to sleep. And for the final time I kiss his head and caress his hair.

  “Mummy loves you, Caiden,” I whisper against his cheek while I kiss it.

  The sun shines so brightly I’m filled with a feeling of undeniable love and warmth. It surrounds me, it fills me and I love the energy surging through me. The light shines brighter until all I can see is white. I close my eyes and everything goes black. When I open them again, Caiden is no longer in my lap and I’m alone in the field with Caiden’s teddy bear. And for the first time, even though I am alone, I don’t feel alone at all.

  I wake to my mobile ringing and I smile brightly as I cling onto the hoodie and the teddy bear that I now know I need to give to baby bean. I quickly pull my phone from my pocket and swipe the screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey baby, we’re done. Are you ready to be picked up?” Hudson asks and I yawn as I sit up and stretch.

  “I kind of fell asleep on Caiden’s bed and I haven’t packed anything yet. Would you mind coming and helping me?”

  “Sure, we’ll be there in ten. How are you? You sound… happy?” he asks sounding surprised.

  “I just had a wonderful dream and I know now that with your help I can do this.”

  “Well, I’ll be there soon, and I’ll help you with whatever you need. You know that.”

  “Okay great, I’ll see you soon. Oh and Hudson?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you,” I say and he chuckles.

  “I love you too, see you soon, Vee,” he says and hangs up the phone.

  I look down at the teddy bear that meant so much to Caiden and I smile bringing it to my lips and kissing its soft fur.

  “I’m going to live,” I yell out loud, even though I know Danny and Caiden aren’t with me right now because I can’t feel them. But in my heart I know that they’ve moved on and are in a better place. They are at peace now, knowing that I’m going to be just fine.

  And I am – I am going to be absolutely fine!

  Hudson arrived soon after the phone call and he and Macca helped me pack up everything I wanted. Some of Caiden’s toys to give to our baby bean, all the photos and keepsakes and anything else I wanted to hold onto. All the rest is being packed up by movers and shifted into storage. I was so grateful for Hudson’s help, but after my sleep I felt lighter like I was free from all the baggage that’s been weighing me down. I was even laughing and joking around with Macca, much to Hudson’s surprise. I think he thought I’d be a mess, but the dream gave me the strength to move on completely.

  Macca drove Hudson and I back to our home and he made me get changed into something nice so we could go out to dinner.

  “The taxi will be here soon, Vee,” Hudson calls out from the lounge room while he impatiently waits for me. I just want to look nice for him. I quickly put on my lipstick and head down to the lounge room.

  Hudson wolf whistles as soon as he sees me. “Wow Vee, you look amazing baby. Is that the tight as fuck red dress I remember?” he asks coming over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

  “Thanks babe, you look pretty dapper yourself. And yep, it’s the one you love,” I reply as I look him up and down. He’s wearing suit pants and a dark blue dress shirt.

  A car honks and I smile and walk with Hudson to the front door in my killer Louis Vuitton red heels.

  “It’s a shame I can’t have my way with you tonight. Just looking at you in that dress is making my balls ache,” he whispers in my ear and then nips on my earlobe. I giggle and roll my eyes.

  “Good things come to those who wait, Rock,” I say and walk toward the taxi cab leaving him behind to shut the door. I can hear him chuckling and as I look back I can see him rearranging his crotch. I grin and slide into the back of the taxi as Hudson walks over and slides in next to me.

  “Where to?” The taxi driver asks.

  Our dinner was amazing and Hudson spared no expense making sure we had a three-course meal and refreshments, non-alcoholic, of course.

  “Thanks for dinner, it was glorious.”

  “You’re more than welcome, Vee. You know I’ll do anything for you,” Hudson says caressing my hand across the table. “You seem to be doing okay. I have to admit I’m a little shocked at how well you’re doing after today. You seem… happy?”

  “I am happy. I have you and baby bean that’s all I need to make me the happiest woman on earth.”

  He exhales and looks at me like I might be lying to him.

  “I’m fine, really. After my amazing dream everything seems in its right place now,” I say and he raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Can you tell me about it?”

  “What the dream?” I ask and he nods.

  “Sure, Danny and Caiden came to me and told me basically that they’re happy for me to move on. Caiden thinks we’re having a girl and we should call her Ariel. I don’t know why, but that’s what he said. It made me laugh and he told me to give his teddy to her and that he would always be watching over her.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Well, I like the name Ariel, but I don’t think a dream can tell the gender of our baby, Vee. I wouldn’t pin your hopes on us having a girl,” he says gauging me.

  “No, I know, but it just felt so real, Hudson. It’s hard to explain, but it really felt like Caiden and Danny were with me. I know I sound crazy, and it certainly seems unbelievable, but it felt good to say goodbye to them properly.”

  “And ah… what did Danny have to say?” he asks hesitantly.

  “He said he loves me and that he’s looking out for me. He said he likes you and approves of us, which is really all I needed to hear. I’m so happy Danny knows me well enough to know what I need. He always was so attuned to me,” I say with a smile as I take a sip of my water.

  Hudson nods and takes his hand from mine wiping his mouth with a napkin.

  “Danny looked exactly as I remember him, with his floppy blond hair and his sparkling blue eyes. He really didn’t seem any different at all. And he was so good with Caiden in the dream, and in real life too, he was such a good father. I think you would’ve gotten along, you know?” I say and Hudson sits back in his seat and his eyes glaze over.

  “Mm-hmm,” he says and then exhales.

  “Anyway, so Danny said that he’s so glad I found you and that all he wants is for me to be happy. That’s all he’s ever wanted for me,” I say happily and sit up taller feeling good that I can talk to Hudson honesty without him thinking I’m crazy.

  Hudson rubs the back of his neck and looks down at the table. “That’s nice,” Hudson says in a low voice.

  I furrow my brows at his lack of enthusiasm for Danny’s blessing. “So, isn’t it great that Danny approves of you? Now, I know I can be happy and move on with you—”

  “So, you needed Danny’s approval of me before you can be happy with me?” he asks looking me in the eyes. His are cold, distant and from what I can gather, full of hurt.

  “No, that’s not what I meant at all, Hudson?” I say and he exhales and looks away from me.

  “Right,” he says as he avoids any eye contact.

  “Wait, are you mad at me?” I ask suddenly feeling very flustered.

  He shakes his head and rests his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.

  “No, I’m not mad, Vee,” h
e says softly but still won’t look at me.

  “Hudson, look at me, tell me what I’ve done to upset you.” My heart starts to race, I never want Hudson to feel or look like he is now.

  “Baby, I love you… so fucking much. But tell me, honestly, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with Danny?”

  I shake my head and furrow my brow. “I don’t know what you mean?”

  He looks up at me and I can see his eyes brimming with tears. I reach out my hand for his, but he doesn’t reciprocate. I bite my bottom lip as I watch him.

  “Vee, you and Danny shared a life that I can’t even comprehend. You loved him more than anything, and I can tell how excited you are to have seen him in your dream. You obviously still care about him—”

  “Well, of course I do, but—”

  “But how can I compete with that, Vee? I mean he was and I think still is, the love of your life, and I don’t know that I can always be okay playing second fiddle to a dead man.”

  My bottom lip trembles and I quickly blink my eyes multiple times to blink back the tears then furrow my brows wondering where this is all coming from.

  “Hudson, you are not coming second. Yes, Danny was the first love of my life, but you Hudson, you’re the last love of my life. And, even though, yes a small part of me will always love Danny, my heart now it belongs completely to you and baby bean. I’m so sorry if I upset you. I was just so happy—”

  “Because of Danny—”

  “No Hudson, because I got to say goodbye and now I can live with you and love you and honour you the best way I know how. I love you! And I’m so sorry. I was just excited to see them. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not the only one for me, because you are,” I say reaching out and taking his hand in mine and squeezing. “I’m going to marry you Hudson, without hesitation and without thinking about Danny. He’s in my past. Yes, a big part of my past granted, but you, you are my future. Now and always, Hudson, please believe me?”