When the Elephants Dance

by Tess Uriza Holthe

  It challenged me, skipping in and out of the two sticks without the sticks catching my feet. This was the dance I chose to do. I had intended to perform it with Nene, but she had slowly become closer with Corazón after our party. You know how friends are, fickle. I did not have any plans that night of sabotaging Corazón’s performance. I had already licked my wounds from the party. It was just a joke, you see. I did not think it would hurt anyone. Well, maybe I was a little bitter over Nene’s abandoning me for her, but I swear that wasn’t on my mind that night.

  Corazón had decided to do the candela dance. Pandanggo sa ilaw, “the dance of light,” as it was called. The dance where one lights candles in little tin or glass containers and, depending on her expertise, more candles are placed on the dancer’s body. The candles are placed on the shoulders, the palms of the hands, and the top of the head. An amateur, for example, would have only the two candles carried in the palms of her hands. Corazón was an expert. She was graceful, so it was an easy dance for her. As I watched her practice that morning, the idea came to me to make it a little more challenging. So I placed more wax in the candles, so that the weight she had practiced and grown accustomed to would be different.

  As we walked around the festival, watching the different contests, my mind was somewhere else. I think maybe I was practicing the dance steps for that evening, but it is so long ago that I cannot say for sure. Corazón was excited; Matthew was to participate in a tree-climbing contest, so she and Nene rushed us over to the section of coconut trees. We watched as they introduced Matthew and he took off his shoes and rolled his pants up to his ankles, and then he took off his shirt and the girls called out and giggled. They announced another name, and the girls shouted once again. Nene nudged me. “Did you hear? Jamie Bautista is in the contest.”

  I shrugged but moved farther forward to better see. Matthew was grinning and playing to the crowd, flexing his arm muscles, but he was not as impressive as Jamie. Jamie worked with his father in the fields night and day, so his body was very lean and muscular. I thought my eyes would go crossed from staring at his body too hard.

  Mama used to tell us that if we stared too long at something we were not supposed to, like a boy’s pee pee, our eyes would go crossed and stay that way. Anyhow, that is how Jamie caught me when he turned to wave at Corazón and Nene, who were shouting out his name like a couple of yellow-beaked parrots. I blushed, and he smiled.

  “Oh, see, you still like him,” Corazón and Nene teased.

  “Shut up,” I said, biting my lip. But I found myself shouting for him when the gun went off and he started to climb the tree like an expert. He hoisted himself up so quickly, using his bare feet. He made it to the top and cut down all the coconuts, dropping them into a net bag tied around his waist. The first thing he did when he received his little trophy, a wooden miniature of a man climbing a tree, was come over and give it to me. I guess that was his way of making up for our lost time. From then on, he and Matthew stuck by our side. I must say, that is the best time I can remember ever having with Corazón. Maybe because we were both too preoccupied to fight.

  We visited the various little booths until the intoxicating scent of turon crooked its finger at us. The sweet bananas were hot from the frying, and the flaky pastry shell sprinkled with sugar and melted into the mushy filling stopped our wanderings, and we bought two each. I enjoyed myself so much that I forgot about the extra wax I had added to Cora’s candles. And by the time I remembered, it was too late.

  IT HAD GROWN dark, and the festival was now lighted everywhere by orange and green paper lanterns. The dance arena was roped off by a small square section. I had just finished doing my dance and received much applause. My only competition was Corazón. As I got off the stage, Matthew came to congratulate me, hugging me a little longer than usual. And when he bent to give me a kiss on the cheek, he sneaked his lips a little closer to mine. I quickly moved away from him and grabbed Jamie’s arm before he could see what had happened. I sat cross-legged with him holding my hand as Corazón came out. I even clapped as she brought out the candles, until I remembered with dismay what I had done.

  As always, her beauty received involuntary sighs and jealous whispers. She smiled sweetly, walking with her natural grace to the row of candles on the floor. She began by swaying to the music, lighting the first candle and then weaving in and out as she did the rest. The idea was to start easy and place one candle on her head and continue to dance, then two on her shoulders, the insides of her arms near the hollows of her elbows, and then finally two in each hand. The ones on the insides of her arms were her own creation. She added those for difficulty and maybe to show off a little.

  When she bent to place the first one on her head, the audience smiled in anticipation. I saw a slight look of confusion cross her face. I think she realized then that the weight she had grown accustomed to was different, but still it was proceeding nicely. Next she placed the two on her shoulders, and the one on her left appeared a little wobbly. The audience held its breath, but she overcame it and everyone clapped. Next she reached for the ones for the insides of her arms, and I could see fear cross her face. The weights were very different, and as she tried to balance and compensate for the two new ones, the candle atop her head, now burning with hot wax, fell off and singed her hair, and the ones on her shoulders fell on her arms. The audience gasped, and many ran up to help her.

  I was the only one who stayed seated in shock, but that must have given me away. Jamie and Matthew ran up to see how she was, and when Jamie returned he looked at me accusingly. “Someone added more wax to each candle.” Before I could respond he walked off.

  “Are you all right, Cora?” I asked stiffly.

  She moved away from me, but not before she gave me a sore look. The same look she had given me when I paid the kalesa driver to take her away, the same look as when I tried to lose her on that first day of school. She never said a word; just that look said it all. I ran after Jamie and grabbed his arm.

  “Jamie, where are you going?” I pleaded. My whole body ached for him to need me.

  “Let him go, Anna.” Matthew had come to stand behind me.

  The trouble was, I couldn’t. I had replaced my obsession for my mother’s attention with my rivalry for Jamie’s affection. I wanted to be chosen over Corazón.

  “I cannot believe you, Anna,” Jamie said, running a tense hand through his hair.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Don’t play stupid. Why do you do such things? Unless I’m blind, your sister is nothing but kind to you. Yet you play these evil games with her. Just when I think I know you, when I’m just about to fall for you—”

  “You’re falling for me?” I asked.

  He stopped and sighed, his hands on his hips. “Will you stop this nonsense with your sister? What is it all about?”

  “I—” The words would not come out. I wanted to explain how I never wanted a new sister. How she stole my mother’s love, and then my best friend. How she was always undermining my happiness. But all that came out was, “I’ll stop.” They were hollow words. I think God heard this and knew. Promises should be sacred; I think I cursed myself by making one I did not intend to keep. Maybe I should have told Jamie this. Maybe if I had told him, he would have helped me to stop. But it was too late. It was already in my blood, already in our fates for me to continue to the end.

  THE FOLLOWING WEEK, my mother was very excited. She said that Mrs. Parris, Matthew’s mother, and Mr. and Mrs. Bautista had requested appointments with her. By the way they requested these meetings, we knew that this could mean only one thing. They were interested in talking marriage.

  My mother and father set their meetings with the two families on the same day, only an hour apart. Mrs. Parris came first. We should have waited in our bedroom; we should not have hid behind the mural screen in the next room.

  Mrs. Parris was obviously there to represent her husband, who was away on business, and to propose marriage for Corazón. T
hat’s how it was back then; the young men did not always have a say, as they do today. My parents asked her to sit, and she was offered tea and pandesal, the sweet milk bread that sometimes comes with a little sprinkling of sugar or cheese on top. They talked pleasantries for the first few minutes, and then Mrs. Parris put on her glasses and folded her hands on the table.

  “As you know, Mirabelle, Manuel”—she nodded to each of my parents—“Matthew is interested in your daughter Corazón. This is a perfect match, I believe, since they are so alike.”

  It always amazed me when people said that about the two of them. For I did not think they were so alike at all. Oh, I had thought so at first, but I had come to realize that they looked alike only on the outside, with their light skin and golden brown hair; inside they were quite opposite. Matthew was like a beautiful eel, exotic but tricky to catch his true personality. Corazón was more like a white catfish. Pretty, and you always knew what she was up to, cleaning up my throwaways. She was interested in books and sophisticated music, the kind they play abroad, with no singing, just the violin, the piano, and such. Matthew was interested in himself and the women he could surround himself with.

  “I of course told him I would be happy with either one of your daughters, they are both lovely. I even thought for a moment that he may be more suited for Anna, but …” She laid open her palm and shrugged. “Such is the way of the heart.”

  I was watching Corazón from the corners of my eyes, and she clasped her hands together and closed her eyes. It made me wonder if she was just as eager to be apart from me. That was something I had never thought of. A tear rolled down her cheek, and I wondered if that would happen to me.

  “How good for you,” I said to her, and she thanked me.

  I thought I would die of impatience for the next hour as we waited for Mr. and Mrs. Bautista, I was so excited. This is it, I thought, now my life will begin. I was so happy to have already spoken with Mrs. Bautista. Corazón had not had that luxury, so the visit with Mrs. Parris had been more stressful for her.

  Finally Mr. and Mrs. Bautista came, and to my surprise Corazón waited with me. They were more formal, more curt, with my parents. They did not exchange pleasantries. The Bautistas were not wealthy, but their family was descended from village chieftains, so that was where their attitude came from, but still, I had not remembered Mrs. Bautista that way. At my party she had been very sweet. But people are different when they come to bargain, just as at the market, you must wear your game face. So I was not alarmed.

  “Well, Mirabelle, Manuel,” Mr. Bautista began. “As you know, we are very interested in a marriage between our only son, Jamie, and your daughter Corazón.”

  My breath, which I had been holding, choked in my throat, and Corazón turned, pale as a ghost.

  “There must be some mistake,” she whispered. “Anna, I never,” she pleaded to me.

  She might as well have stabbed me in the chest with one of the big bolo knives we had hanging above our dining room table. Tears came down my face; they crept into my lips, hot and bitter. I thought back to when I had spoken to Jamie’s mother. I chided myself. I should have known, with Jamie’s mother. I should have known when she asked me how long I had taken singing lessons and she said “very long,” she meant that if it took that long and I still hadn’t learned, I must be a really bad singer. How sweet her words had been, but I should have known how hard her eyes were.

  Her interest was so engaging, as hypnotic as a snake, waiting for you to put your guard down, then stinging you with its venom. Her words were soft and encouraging to lure me in, but her thoughts were sharp as snake fangs. When she fixed my hair that night, she was thinking with embarrassment how her son could have fallen for such a sloppy creature. I later learned she was appalled at how I had come down the stairs on my own the night of our debutante party.

  When she had complimented me on the dress I had ordered from New York, and asked if I had made the dress, she was seeing if I could sew for her son. When she had asked if I had cooked the delicious food, she merely wanted to know if I could cook at all. I chided and pitied myself. Yet even then I should have directed my hate toward that evil woman. But you can guess by now whom my hatred was directed at.

  I looked over Corazón through hot tears, and her pleading face became distorted. “Shut up. If you had never come into my life, I would be a happy person by now,” I said, and walked out of the room.

  She tried to follow me, but I locked the door to our room and told her to sleep with either one of her in-laws.

  JAMIE CAME THE next morning. He told my parents he wanted to marry me and that if they did not give him permission, we would run away together. He declared what his mother had done was wrong, that he had specifically told her he wished to propose to me. Yet she had undermined his request and asked for Corazón instead. He stood outside my window and threw small rocks at Corazón’s wind chimes. It was awful to hear; the chimes would start their music with a small breeze, and then—ping! plonk!—Jamie’s rocks would halt the melody.

  “Please, Anna. Speak to him,” Cora pleaded.

  “He’s your intended, you have two. Do whatever you want with him,” I spat.

  Jamie sent letters and asked Corazón to give them to me, but I always threw them away. I was beyond thinking anymore. The doors to my heart had shut. I had only hate inside me, complete hate. I felt as if my life were just a series of betrayals. So when Jamie, the one good thing, finally arrived, I was too hardened. Like a dried-up grape, nothing could bring back my sweetness. At seventeen years old I had given up on the kinds of dreams that young girls cling to. It made me crazy that all I could think of, all my mind was capable of concluding, was the fact that if Corazón had never come into my life, I would never be this miserable.

  After the fourth week, Jamie stopped coming. The next time I saw him was at a hayride arranged for the students. It was something that the church set up, and Ate Yu insisted I go. She said I was acting like a fool and that I should go. I went only because I grew tired of everyone trying to force me out of the house. Matthew arrived to gather Corazón, and I was somehow convinced to go with them. That was the final mistake.

  As I sat in the carriage and watched them laugh and chatter about the future, I wanted to rip the smile of satisfaction from Corazón’s face. I wanted her to be as unhappy as I was. In my mind her questions concerning my welfare became insults. That was when the bad thought formed in my mind. If she really wanted to know how I was doing, I would let her feel firsthand.

  Jamie came to the wagon ride. I am sure it was planned: he had flowers for me. His smiling face almost put tears in my eyes, but as I said, I was too far gone by then. I had become another creature altogether. I no longer had the innocent hate that two sisters have, one that later turns to love and fond old memories. I had cultivated an enduring sore, the kind that would go to the grave.

  I let Jamie sit next to me, but there was no feeling left for him, and I could see by the brave smile he wore as he tried to engage me in conversation that he saw that, too.

  As we sat there with the other young people beneath the canopy of clouds and moonbeams, I conceived a plan in my heart. When the wagon stopped, and we were allowed to stretch our legs and the picnic baskets were laid out for us, I fell behind and walked next to Matthew. He looked at me curiously.

  “Still angry with Jamie?” he asked. “Have a heart, Anna.”

  I shrugged. “Sometimes I long for someone more exciting.”

  “I know what you mean,” he said with sincerity.

  We walked in silence.

  Matthew spoke again. “Well, I have always thought he was too weak for you.” Matthew had a deep fascination for me because I was the only girl he could never charm. He had fooled around with many girls, but I had never told Corazón this. I thought if she was that blind, then better she stay blind. Their wedding was set for August 30, in two months.

  I returned to Jamie satisfied. I had planted the tiniest seed in Matthew�
��s brain, and that was all it took.

  After that night, Matthew tried again and again to catch my attention. He would tell jokes to Corazón, but all the while I could sense he was really telling them to me. One day I stayed home sick from school. I had asked Corazón to stay after school and gather my homework for me. Matthew came an hour early. I walked into the living room in a sleeveless summer dress. Unbeknownst to him, I had been preparing myself hours before.

  “Oh, Matthew, I didn’t know you were here. Where is Corazón?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, she doesn’t know how to be on time for an appointment. She has no sense.” He grinned.

  WE WOULD DO that, dance around each other’s words. Always hinting. What of Jamie? Oh, I liked him enough, but looking back, I realize that I had been wanting something even more. Whenever I had thought of Jamie, I had thought of myself as the beloved daughter-in-law. I had pictured many ways I would be showered by love from his mother. Having her betray me that way erased all feelings I had for Jamie.

  How could I marry him and be with yet another mother who did not want me? At least Matthew’s mother had even confessed that she had thought I would have been a better match for her son. The only woman who probably thought I was better than Corazón was the one she would inherit as a mother-in-law. You see how unfair it all was?

  As I expected, it was easy to win Matthew away from Corazón. Do not think me immodest when I say that he practically leaped at the chance to get away from her. We took long walks together and talked about our futures. I told him how I wanted to travel the world, maybe even become a hostess on one of those cruise ships that were becoming so popular. He talked about how he wanted to move to America and become a movie star. We had a lot in common. I saw that Matthew could be a true friend. He held me in higher esteem than he did other women. It wasn’t long after that he simply started coming an hour earlier than his dates with Corazón, and the two of us had that much more time together.