Remembrance

by Danielle Steel

  By spring Teddy and Linda saw each other almost every night, and Vanessa had begun to tease them. Linda was becoming a regular visitor at the apartment, and Vanessa teased that if she was going to hang around as much as she was, she was going to have to start taking a shift for breakfast. It was also beginning to occur to Vanessa that she needed her own apartment. She didn't want to hurt Teddy's feelings, but she was twenty-three years old, she wanted to combine a studio with living quarters of her own, and it was obvious that he was crazy about Linda Evans.

  “Why the hell don't you ask her to marry you, Teddy?”

  “Don't be crazy!” he growled at her over one of her breakfasts. “Besides, your eggs were lousy today.” But the thought of marriage had already crossed his mind and he didn't want to tell her.

  “That's it!” She pounded a hand on the table and he jumped. “I'm moving out!”

  “Will you stop that!” She was making him very nervous, but suddenly he saw something gentle and sad in her eyes. She had been teasing at first but now she meant what she was saying and he knew it.

  “I kind of mean it, Uncle Teddy.” She looked just like a little girl as she said it, and he felt his insides turn over.

  “Why?” He looked very upset. “Because of Linda? I thought you liked her.” He looked so disappointed that she hugged him.

  “I do, silly. I'm just turning into a big kid now, and I want to get a studio to work in, and … well… a place of my own.” It felt like such a betrayal, she felt like a monster.

  “Have you started looking yet.'“

  “No, I thought I'd start in the next few weeks.”

  “Already?” He looked pale, and then retreated behind his paper, and when he left for his office, he looked shaken. He called Linda half an hour later. “Vanessa wants to move out.” He sounded as though his wife had said she was divorcing him, and at her end of the phone Linda grinned, but when she spoke to him, her voice was gentle.

  “What did you tell her?”

  “I didn't really, I was too upset. She's too young, and … what if she starts having nightmares again, if it all comes back to her?”

  “Then, she'll call you. Besides it may never happen. You said that she had settled down again.”

  “But she might see something.” He sounded frantic and Linda was smiling.

  “Sweetheart, she's a big girl now. Your baby is leaving the nest. You're going to have to face it.”

  He groaned softly. “You know, I feel like a complete jerk, but it just about turned my insides upside down.” He was smiling now too, and he felt comforted by the sound of Linda's voice. Suddenly he needed her more than ever. For years Vanessa had filled an enormous void in his life, a void that had been left by Serena. But now little by little Linda was moving into that space and he was letting her do it.

  “You're not alone. This happens to all parents. It's especially hard on fathers to see their daughters grow up, and very hard on mothers to have their children leave the nest. You're a mother and father rolled into one, so it's hitting you doubly hard. Guess what, Doctor? It's normal.”

  “You know, I almost cried.”

  “Sure. Who wouldn't?” She had such a nice way of making him feel that everything was all right and he wasn't crazy.

  “You know something? You're terrific. How about lunch today?”

  She glanced at her calendar. “Sounds delightful.” And then she had an idea. “Want to meet me at my place?”

  He chuckled in his office. “Now, that is a splendid idea, Doctor Evans. A consultation?”

  “Of course.” They both laughed and hung up, and at noon they met in her apartment and made love until two thirty. With Linda, Teddy was feeling a passion that he hadn't felt in years. And for the first time in years, after they made love, he didn't feel empty or guilty. The ghost of Serena was finally fading.

  “You know,” he said, looking at her pensively as he drew a lazy finger around her breasts, “I used to think it was all over.”

  “What?”

  “Oh, I don't know …” he sighed. “I haven't been in love in so long, Linda.” He looked at her sadly for a moment. “I was so much in love with Vanessa's mother that I never really wanted anyone else.”

  “It must have been very traumatic for you when she was killed.”

  His eyes were bright with tears as he looked at Linda. “I wanted to kill the son of a bitch myself. I'll never understand how he could do it … and they let him out of the country.”

  “He must have had an awful lot of pull.”

  “He did. His family was very influential. Anyway, I don't know. After that I poured out everything I had on Vanessa. There was never much left for anyone else. I think maybe I was numb.” He smiled at the beautiful woman lying at his side, and she touched him gently.

  “You certainly aren't numb anymore.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.” He kissed her and a moment later he felt desire surge within him again. They made love one last time, and parted regretfully afterward to go back to work, even though they were meeting again for dinner that night.

  As Vanessa's preparations to move gained momentum they seemed to spend more and more time together. It was as though, in letting her go, Teddy was better able to reach out to Linda. Vanessa finally moved into a studio apartment of her own on May 1, and on the following weekend Linda stayed for four days. After that Teddy wound up spending most of the following week at her apartment. She returned to his place for the weekend and spent the week. They never seemed to leave each other anymore, except to go to their offices, and when the three of them went away for a weekend in Cape Cod in August, Teddy looked at Vanessa sheepishly and cleared his throat.

  “I have something to tell you, sweetheart.” Linda watched him, feeling tenderness mingle with amusement. In some ways he was still very shy. But it was part of what she loved about him, and there was a great deal about him that she loved.

  Vanessa looked at him with a question in her eyes, and for just an instant the two women's eyes met and held, and then Linda looked away. She didn't want to spoil the surprise. “What is it?” Vanessa tried to seem nonchalant but she wasn't. She suddenly felt an electric thrill of excitement and anticipation course through her.

  “I … uh … Linda and I …”He almost choked on the words and then took a breath. “We're getting married.”

  “Well, it's about time.” Vanessa beamed. “When's the wedding?”

  “We haven't quite figured that out yet. We thought maybe September.”

  “Do I get to take pictures?”

  “Of course.” He looked at her searchingly, wanting her approval, and she was beaming, and suddenly she threw her arms around his neck. They had had something so special for so many years, and now it had altered slightly, but in a healthy way for them both, and she was so pleased that he was marrying Linda. They were perfect for each other, in every way. And neither one of them had ever been married, he at forty-six and she at thirty-nine.

  “I'm so happy for you, Uncle Teddy.” She held him close and Linda felt warm just watching them. And then Vanessa reached out to hug her, and as the two women embraced there were tears in their eyes.

  “Do I get to be an aunt, or …” She looked puzzled. “What would I be? A cousin? Gee, seems like I could have a better title than that.” And then her eyes clouded strangely. She had been about to say sister, but something had stopped her. Teddy and Linda both saw it and no one said a word. “Can I be an aunt?”

  “Sure.” Linda grinned. “But you're a little ahead of yourself, Vanessa. I'm happy to announce that this is not a shotgun marriage.”

  “But I could arrange that.” Teddy grinned and put an arm around each of his women, as they strolled down the beach, talking about the wedding, and he felt as though he were the happiest man alive.

  51

  The wedding was lovely. They had it at the Hotel Carlyle in mid-September. They invited about a hundred friends, and Vanessa took all the pictures, and by Christmas her wish had
come true. As they sat around the fireplace after the turkey dinner, Linda reached out to touch her husband's hand, and then looked at Vanessa.

  “I have something to share with you, Vanessa.” She wore a mysterious little smile, and Vanessa looked at her in the firelight, thinking that she had never seen her look more lovely. She wore a peacock-blue silk dress, with her hair loose around her shoulders. Her eyes looked greenish blue and her skin had an almost rosy blush that made her look much less than her thirty-nine years.

  “If it's more food, Linda, I can't.” Vanessa lay down on the floor with a groan and smiled up at her aunt and uncle.

  “No, it's not more food.” Linda giggled and Teddy grinned. He was wearing an expression of beatific contentment that Vanessa had never seen before, as Linda went on. “We're having a baby.”

  “You are?” Vanessa looked stunned. It took her a moment before she actually looked pleased. Again one could almost see her hearing an echo, and Teddy watched her nervously, afraid that the news would cause her pain. But an instant later her eyes danced and her face was radiant. “Oh, Linda!” She threw her arms around her friend, and then around Teddy, and clapped her hands with glee.

  The next day Vanessa went out and bought the baby an enormous teddy bear, and for the next five months she bought things for the baby in a never-ending stream, pandas, giraffes, silver rattles, hand-made quilts, tiny nightgowns made of old lace, little caps, and she even knit a pair of booties. Linda and Teddy were touched by the gifts, but occasionally, when Linda looked at her, she was worried. There was an odd kind of tenseness about her lately, a sense of something about to happen. Linda tried to talk to her about it once or twice, but Vanessa herself didn't seem to know what the matter was and insisted that she wasn't aware of it. It was an almost indefinable impression one got when one looked at her closely. It was as though, deep within, she was desperately unhappy. And it grew more marked as the time for the baby's birth came closer.

  Linda on the other hand seemed to grow happier and calmer as she got larger. There was a serenity about her that struck everyone who knew her. Even her patients were touched by what one of them called “the rosy glow of the Madonna” about her. There was a luster in her eyes, a warmth to her smile, that told everyone how happy she was about the baby. At forty she was finally having the baby she had wanted all her life but had decided would never come.

  “And suddenly there you were one day in my office”—she smiled at Teddy one night as she told him—”and I knew that you were it. Prince Charming.” She beamed at her husband and he grinned.

  “Oh, you did, did you? Is that why you had me come back for all those consultations?”

  “I did not!” She tried to look insensed. “You wanted to come back to talk about Vanessa.”

  “Well, I did at first.” He looked suddenly thoughtful. “Speaking of which, have you seen her lately?” He looked worried and Linda nodded. “I'm worried about her. She's lost weight and she looks very nervous.”

  “I think she is. I tried to talk to her about it the other day.”

  “Anything important?” He looked worried. After all, in a sense Vanessa was still his first child, and Linda understood that. But she looked pensive as she answered.

  “Honestly I don't know. I think that maybe the baby has set off some old impressions for her. I'm sure she doesn't know it, but whether or not she's aware of it, there's a definite déjí vu in it for her. It's bound to rattle up something.” She sighed unhappily for a moment. “And I think the latest man she's met has her upset too.”

  “Why?” Teddy looked surprised. “Who is he?”

  “She didn't say anything to you?”

  Teddy sighed. “She almost never does. By the time she gets around to telling me, they're usually already off the lists.” It always made him sad to see how she closed herself off from men and any kind of close relationship. The only people she was close to were Teddy and Linda, with them she was wide open to her feelings and to theirs, but with anyone else she ran like a frightened deer if they came near her. She was twenty-four now and Teddy knew that she had never been physically involved with anyone. “Who is he?”

  “I think he's a photographer's agent, she met him at a party. She said that he was very nice, and apparently he was interested in representing her work. She was thinking about it too, but then he asked her for a date and she got nervous.”

  “Did she go?” Linda nodded.

  “Yes. I think they went out three or four times. She really liked him. They had a lot in common, he was crazy about her work. She says he made some very good suggestions about how she should market herself. Everything was fine.”

  Teddy looked bleak. “And then he kissed her.”

  Linda reached out and touched his hand. “Don't take it so personally, Teddy.”

  “I can't help it.” He looked at his wife. “I keep thinking that if I'd handled it right, if I'd been the perfect role model, she wouldn't be afraid of men.”

  “Teddy, she saw a man kill her mother. Be reasonable. How can anything you did or didn't do alter that?”

  He sighed. “I know, I know … but in my heart I keep thinking—” He looked sadly at Linda then. “Do you think I should have told her?”

  Linda shook her head. “No, I don't. And I don't think telling her would have changed a damn thing. She'd still have to live with the same nightmare, consciously or not. If she's going to trust men, or even just one man, it will come to her on her own, if the right man comes along. It's still possible, you know, Teddy. She's a young girl. She isn't totally averse to the idea. She's just frightened.”

  “So what's happening with this guy?” Teddy looked a little more hopeful after Linda's speech.

  “For the moment, nothing. She called a halt on dating him until she decides if she wants him as her agent. She says that if she does, then she doesn't want to go out with him, she'd want to maintain a businesslike relationship with him.”

  “Sounds like you.” He leaned over and kissed her, and then gently patted the enormous belly. “You sure that's not twins, by the way?”

  She laughed and shook her head. “Not according to my doctor. The kid's probably got big feet like me.” She smiled at her husband. “Or he's carrying a football.”

  “Or a purse.” They both laughed, and Teddy sighed as he thought of Vanessa. “Think she'll start seeing this guy again?”

  “She might.”

  “What's his name?”

  “John Henry.”

  “John Henry what?”

  “That's it. John Henry.”

  “He sounds like a phony.” Teddy frowned.

  “And you,” Linda laughed at him, “sound just like a father. One minute you're all upset that she'll never go out with him again, the next minute you think he's a creep.”

  “Have you seen him?”

  “No. But Vanessa's a bright girl. If she says he's a terrific guy, I'm sure he is. She certainly isn't easy about men, so if she likes this one that much, I'd say he's probably a winner.”

  “Well, we'll see what happens.”

  “Yes, we will.” Linda was looking at her husband. “Don't worry about it so much. She's all right, Teddy.”

  “I hope so.” He lay back on the bed. “I've been so worried about her lately.” But much of the time his worries about Vanessa were eclipsed. He was so excited about the baby that he could hardly wait until the due date. He was more than a little concerned about Linda having her first baby at forty. Medically speaking, they both knew the dangers of giving birth to a first baby at her age, but her doctor seemed to feel confident that there would be no problems.

  But more and more Teddy found himself remembering Serena's pregnancies. He remembered the golden glow she had seemed to have before the birth of Vanessa, and how he had delivered her himself that afternoon, alone in the house in the Presidio. He told Linda about it one night, and she watched him. Something so gentle and so sad always happened to his face when he spoke of Serena. It gave her just a hi
nt of what the woman must have been like, and always made her wish that she had met her. She had seen photographs of her among some of Teddy's old things, and she was really incredibly beautiful. It was funny, only Vanessa's shape was actually reminiscent of her mother. Her face and everything else about her was exactly like her father. It was only in looking at the old photographs or remembering cherished moments that Serena still came alive to Teddy.

  “Weren't you terrified?” Linda was referring to when he had found Serena on the floor, already in hard labor.

  “Scared shitless.” He grinned. “I had been in med school for exactly four months, and the only thing I knew about delivering babies was what I had seen in the movies. Boil water and smoke a lot until the doctor comes out of the room, wiping his hands. And suddenly the whole damn movie was upside down and I was the doctor.”

  “Did she have a hard time?” There was a tiny edge of fear in Linda's voice as she spoke. In the last few weeks she had started to get a little nervous. But Teddy knew instantly what was happening and he kissed her and shook his head.

  “No, she really didn't. I think most of all we were both scared because we didn't know what was happening. But once she started pushing, it went great after that.”

  “You know”—she smiled sheepishly at Teddy—”I hate to admit it, at my age, and with my training …” He smiled, already knowing what was coming. “… but lately I've been getting nervous about it.”

  “I hate to tell you this, Doctor, but that's perfectly normal. All women get nervous before childbirth. Who wouldn't? It's a major happening in anyone's life, and physically it's always a little scary.”

  “I feel so silly though. I'm a psychiatrist, I'm supposed to be able to handle things like that.” She looked at him in sudden panic. “What if I can't stand the pain? … if I freak out … ?” He took her in his arms and stroked her dark hair.