Remembrance

by Danielle Steel

  “You're not going to, and it's going to be wonderful.”

  “How do you know?” She sounded like any of a million patients and he loved her better for it.

  “Because you're in good health, you've had no problems at all, and because I'm going to be right there with you the whole time.”

  Linda had been so excited about this first baby that she had bought everything in sight since the day she found out she was pregnant. The nursery was a sea of white eyelet with blue and pink ribbons, there was an antique bassinet draped in white organdy, a cradle a patient had sent her, shelves filled with dolls, handmade quilts, and lots of little goodies knitted by Linda's mother. A dozen times a day now she walked into the room, looked around, and she always felt that something was missing. It was five days before her due date when she finally realized what it was that was missing, as she laughingly told Vanessa over lunch.

  “It's the baby!” They born laughed at the revelation. Linda had retired from her practice the week before, and she was enjoying the last days of waiting. “I must admit, I'm a little antsy. But part of that is just not working for the first time in fifteen years. I feel guilty as hell about that.” But she was going back for half days when the baby was a month old, so the five weeks she'd taken off were really no more than a healthy vacation.

  “Your patients will wait.”

  “I suppose so,” Linda sighed, “but I worry about them.”

  “You're as bad as Teddy. Before he met you, he'd have a nervous breakdown if he took two weeks off. There's something about doctors. They're compulsive.”

  Linda grinned. “I think we like to call it conscientious.”

  “Well, I must say, I admire it. But I don't have that problem. I spent all of last week sitting on my ass and I loved it.”

  “Oh?” Linda looked intrigued. “With anyone special, or is that an indiscreet question?”

  There was a twinkle in Vanessa's eyes when she answered. “I saw John Henry again. I decided not to use him as my agent.” For Vanessa that was a major step, Linda knew. She had been almost certain that that was going to be the way out Vanessa would have selected. She would hire him as her agent and then claim that she couldn't get involved with him after that.

  “That's an interesting decision.” She sounded noncommittal, and Vanessa grinned.

  “You sound like a shrink.”

  “Do I?” Linda laughed. “I apologize. I meant to sound like an aunt.”

  A warm look passed between them. “You're not bad at that either. No, I don't know. I thought about it a lot. And in a funny way I think we were already too involved with each other for me to do business with him coherently. The funny thing”—she looked at Linda in a puzzled way—”is that I'm attracted to him.”

  “Is that such a shock?”

  “For me, yes. Most of the time, Linda”—she shrugged—”even if I like them, I don't want to go to bed with them. I just… I just can't.…”

  “When the right one comes along, it'll be different.”

  “How do you know?” Vanessa looked very young as she asked her. “Sometimes I think maybe I'm just strange. It's not that I don't like men, it's just that …” She groped for the words. “It's as though there were this wall up between them and me, and I just can't get past it.” That was exactly what was happening, as Linda knew only too well. She only hoped that one day Vanessa would find the door, or have the courage to climb over the wall.

  “There are no walls too high for us to climb, love. Some walls just take more work than others. I think that it may just depend on how badly you want to.”

  “I don't know.” Vanessa didn't look convinced. “It's not really that … it's like I just don't know how to begin, or what to do. … But,” she sighed softly, “it's crazy, John seems to understand that.”

  “How old is he?”

  “Twenty-seven.” Linda found herself wishing that he were older, and perhaps more mature.

  “But he seems a lot older than his age. He was married for four years. They got married when he was in college. Childhood sweethearts and all that. She got pregnant, so they got married when he was eighteen. But—” She hesitated, realizing that she had just made a ghastly faux pas, and she looked up at Linda. “Never mind. It's a long story.”

  “I'd like to hear it.” And the worst of it was that Vanessa wanted to tell her. She wanted to share what she was thinking about John. She needed to get it off her chest, and she could always talk straight to Linda.

  “I'm sorry, love. It's a lousy story. But maybe since you're a doctor … Their baby was born defective. It had some terrible birth defect, and I guess he and his wife hung together because of the child. It sounded really awful when he told me. They took turns sitting at the hospital for the first year, and after that they had him at home until he”—she almost gulped—”until he died. I gather that it took a terrible toll on the marriage. When the baby died, they split up, and that was it. That was five years ago, and I think it shook him up for a long time.”

  Linda looked shaken too, but birth defects were certainly no news to her, and to Vanessa's relief she didn't look overwhelmed by the story. “That's understandable, and so is the divorce. A lot of times couples don't survive tragedies like that one.”

  Vanessa nodded. “I'm sorry to tell you that now. I didn't think when I started—”

  “It's all right.” Linda touched Vanessa's hand. “I'm a big girl, you know. I'm even a doctor.” They smiled at each other.

  “You know, the odd thing is that I like him so much. I feel comfortable with him, it's as if he really understands me.”

  “Does that surprise you so much?”

  “Yes.” She sighed softly. “Everybody else has always pushed me. They're on the make and they want to get you to bed in one night. I tried explaining to John how I felt, and he understood it. He said that after his little boy died and he broke up with his wife, he didn't sleep with anyone for two years. He just didn't want to. He thought that there was something wrong with him too, but there wasn't, it was just as though he were numb or something.”

  Linda nodded. “He's right. It is very common.”

  “You know, he asked if anything ever happened to me to make me feel the way I do.” She shrugged and smiled. “But I just told him I was crazy from birth, I guess.” She laughed, but it was a hollow sound, it was almost as if her eyes asked Linda a question.

  Linda spoke very quietly. “I think it must have been a tremendous trauma for you when your mother died, and the custody case. You never know how those things will come out later.”

  “Yeah.” She looked wistful. “Some people wind up with a stutter. Me, I'm frigid.” Her eyes were sad when she looked at Linda again but Linda shook her head.

  “That's not necessarily true. In fact I seriously doubt it. You've never made love with anyone, Vanessa. You don't know what you are yet.”

  “That's the truth. I'm nothing.” She looked disappointed in herself and Linda felt for her.

  “Give yourself time. John sounds like a nice man. Maybe he'll come to mean something to you.”

  “Maybe.” She sighed again. “If I let him.” It was not as if she were unaware of her problems. She was even beginning to think of seeing a shrink again, which pleased Linda. Maybe she would finally get it all out, after all. Maybe it was time for her. The blockage that had sat there for so long was finally making her uncomfortable.

  For two nights Linda had trouble sleeping, the baby had dropped, and it felt so heavy that she could barely walk. A heat wave came along, and she was miserable and restless. At five o'clock one morning she got up, her back ached, she had heartburn, she couldn't sleep, and she finally gave up and made herself a cup of coffee. The coffee gave her cramps, and she felt like a lion in a cage by the time Teddy got up at seven.

  “What time did you get up, love?” He looked surprised to see her so wide awake and so busy. She had been in the baby's room since six o'clock, folding clothes again and checking the suitcase s
he had packed for the baby. He hadn't seen her this busy in months, and then suddenly, as she made a funny face, he began to watch her. “Something wrong?” He said it as casually as possible, as she checked the supplies in the dressing table.

  “That damned cup of coffee gave me cramps.” And then just as she said it her face pinched and she gently felt her stomach, and suddenly she understood what was happening. She looked up at Teddy in surprise, with a broad grin. “My God, I think I'm in labor.”

  “What time did you get up?”

  “About five o'clock. I was restless and I couldn't sleep, so I came in here and got busy.”

  He grinned at her. “For a doctor you're not very smart. When did the cramps start?”

  “About five thirty.” But they were so gentle, she hadn't even realized she was in labor.

  “Why don't you give your doctor a call?”

  “Already?”

  He nodded. “Already.” She was forty years old. He was not going to play games and wait until the last minute. In fact he insisted on taking her to the hospital right away, even though she was barely in labor. But the whole thing seemed like an adventure, as she showered, put on a clean dress, and kissed him in the doorway.

  “When we come back here, we'll be a mommy and a daddy.”

  The thought of it made him smile, and he kissed her longingly. They hadn't been able to make love in weeks, and he was hungry for her body. “You'd better get your ass out of here, Doctor Evans, or I'm going to rape you right here in the hallway.” But as soon as he said it she had her first good pain, and she made a little surprised sound, as he supported her with an arm around her shoulders. “I think, my love, that we'd better go. The last baby I delivered at home was twenty-five years ago, and I'm not exactly dying to try that again.”

  “Chicken.” She grinned at him.

  By the time they got to the hospital, Linda was getting excited and the pains had begun to come at regular intervals, five minutes apart. She was smiling at everybody and exploding with energy and excitement. He helped her unpack her Lamaze bag at the hospital and then they prepared her, and when he came back, she was lying on her bed in a pink hospital gown, with a lollipop between her teeth, her hair tied back with a pink ribbon.

  “Good Lord, woman, you look like you're starring in a movie, not having a baby.”

  She looked proud of herself as she rode out another pain. “Isn't this how women look when they're having babies?”

  “I don't know. Ask an expert.” The doctor had just come in, he examined Linda and declared that all was going splendidly. She was going to try to have the baby by natural childbirth, though he offered her medication if she wanted it. But both she and Teddy had agreed that it would be better for the baby if she tried not to.

  A few minutes later the pains picked up in speed, and an hour later Teddy was telling her to pant softly. Her eyes had begun to look a little glazed and there was a faint veil of sweat on her brow, her hair had begun to stick to her face, and she was beginning to clutch at his hand when the pains came. “This isn't as easy as I thought.” She looked at him anxiously, and when the next pain came, she clenched her teeth and he had to shout to make her do her breathing. When it was over, he ran a damp cloth over her forehead, gave her ice, held her hand, and told her how wonderfully she was doing. Nurses came and went, and offered her encouragement, they told Linda she was doing great, and outside in the hall they all gossiped about Linda and Teddy both being doctors. They had seen Lamaze practiced before, and in 1971 it was already fairly common, but they had rarely seen it practiced with such devotion. Linda and Teddy were both working hard, and he was marvelous with Linda.

  The next stage lasted until late afternoon, and by six o'clock Linda looked exhausted. Her face looked ravaged by the pain, her hair was glued to her face and her neck, and she was trying desperately not to whimper, and then suddenly with the next pain she gave a scream and lunged toward Teddy. “I can't do it, I can't … I can't… tell them to give me something … please … oh, God …” But he talked her through it. He could tell how well it was going. It was a whole other world than he had seen with Serena. When he had arrived in London that morning, he had known that she was literally dying. Had they left her there long enough, her heart would have eventually stopped from the strain, and the baby would have died too if they hadn't moved quickly. But in Linda's case everything was different. She was obviously in enormous pain, but things were moving at a reasonable pace, and she wasn't being beaten by what was happening. The labor was moving along nicely, and what had happened was that she was finally in transition. After thirteen hours of labor she was nearly eight centimeters dilated, and in a little while she could begin pushing. But they both knew from the Lamaze class that she had just entered the hardest part of her labor. The next two hours were absolutely grueling, and Teddy stayed with her every moment, holding her hand, urging her on, breathing with her, holding a paper bag for her to breathe in, and cooing softly to her almost as if she were the baby, and then suddenly with a final scream a look of victory came to her face, and with no urging at all she began pushing. He tried to make her hold back, but the doctor came quickly, gave the sign to the nurses, and without further ado they wheeled her bed from the labor room right into delivery. She was shifted onto the table, her legs put in the stirrups, and five minutes later she had begun pushing in earnest. The entire delivery-room team urged her on while Teddy held her shoulders, and sweat ran down his face and his back and his arms as profusely as it did down hers. Linda had never worked as hard in her entire life, and Teddy felt as though he were pushing with her.

  “Come on, push!” they all shouted at once as Linda's face grew red and she groaned with the effort. It seemed to take forever, but finally the doctor grinned and held up a hand to announce, “The baby's crowning … come on, Linda … come on … I can see hair! … Come on, push!” Linda tried again and the baby moved another inch, the top of his head was almost out now, and Teddy could feel tears sting his eyes when he looked in the mirror. At forty-seven years of age he was having his first baby and he had never loved a woman as much in his life as he loved Linda at that moment.

  “Come on, sweetheart … come on, you can do it … oh … that's it … come on … more!” She was pushing as though she would burst and suddenly with a gasp and a groan the head came free all at once and the room was filled with a hearty wail. The doctor grinned, the nurses laughed, and Linda and Teddy began to cry at once, smiling and laughing along with them.

  “Oh, what is it?” Linda struggled to see, and when Teddy held her up, she could see the baby's face, angry and red and scrunched up as it cried.

  “We can't tell yet.” The doctor smiled broadly. “Give us a few more pushes and I'll tell you what it is.”

  “That's not fair,” Linda gasped, smiling at her husband. “God ought to put their sex organs on their heads, so you can tell … right away.…” But she was already working again. Two more pushes and the doctor freed his shoulders, and then, with one enormous final push, the baby was born and he lay in the doctor's hands.

  “It's a boy!” he cried triumphantly. “A great big beautiful boy!” Linda's and Teddy's eyes filled with tears as they looked at him. Linda laughed and reached up to kiss her husband, and he smoothed back her hair and looked down at her with unlimited adoration.

  “You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.”

  “Oh, Teddy …” She smiled through her tears. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Oh, look at him.…” He couldn't get over it, the baby was perfect.

  “Eight pounds, twelve ounces. Good work, Mrs. Fullerton.” The doctor looked pleased as he handed the baby to his father.

  “And you thought it was going to be twins.” Teddy grinned and looked into his son's face, held him for a moment, and then gave him to his mother. “Here's your boy, Mom.” Their eyes filled with tears again as she held him.

  It was a night filled with jubilation and excitement. When they got
back to Linda's room, she was so high she could almost fly. She got out of bed and walked down the hall to see her son in the nursery window, and she stood holding on to her husband's arm, and they both looked like the proudest parents alive.

  “Isn't he beautiful, Teddy?”

  “He sure is.” Teddy couldn't take his eyes off his son. “What'll we call him?”

  She looked at Teddy with a smile. “I kind of thought we could call him Bradford, for your brother.” As she said it Teddy felt a lump in his throat, and he reached out and held her and said nothing.

  That night a bond had formed between them that he knew that nothing would sever. They had waited half their lives to find each other, and he had thought he would never get over Serena. But Serena had been a dream for him, an unattainable woman he had always loved, and who had never really been his. She had belonged to Brad and then to Vasili, and never really to him. She had loved him, but she had never belonged to him. This woman who had just borne him a son was now his, and he knew it, just as he was hers and would never belong to anyone else again. And as they walked slowly down the hall, back to Linda's room, it was as though the ghost of Serena di San Tibaldo quietly tiptoed away for the last time.

  52

  “A boy? Hurray! Oh, Teddy, that's super!” Teddy called Vanessa at eleven thirty that night, and she was ecstatic. “Oh, that's beautiful!” And then with a worried voice, “How was it for Linda? Was it hard?” Vanessa had always had nervous feelings about giving birth, and she always said that she never wanted to have children. When the time came, she would adopt. It was something that she and John Henry agreed on. Next time he wanted to know what he was getting. He couldn't imagine going through the agony of a birth-deformed baby again, and the horror of waiting for nine months to know that it was normal terrified him. Yet, like Vanessa, he wanted children.