A Measure of Love

by Sophie Jackson

  His brothers and mother stood around him, looking for all the world as though they were waiting for him to go off like a damned rocket again, but Riley could barely lift his head. The adrenaline had waned dramatically, leaving his body weak and his bones weary. His brain was now groggy and slow and, though he wouldn’t say a word about it to Tate, his hand was hurting like a motherfucker.

  Still holding it to his chest, Riley glanced at the dent he’d put in the wall. “I’m sorry, Mom,” he offered guiltily. “I shouldn’t have—That was stupid. I’ll pay to get it fixed.”

  Joan approached him and cupped his cheek. “Don’t you worry, honey.” She kissed the corner of his mouth gently. “It’s been a hell of a day. Call down if you need anything.”

  He nodded and dipped his chin to each of his brothers before heading up the stairs to his bedroom. He closed the door with a gentle kick, toed off his shoes, and crawled onto the bed. It was only then, in the relative quiet of his room, that he allowed his tears free.

  10

  He’d broken his damned knuckle.

  Through the night, Riley tossed, turned, and took more pain pills before, ready to rip the fucking thing from the socket, he knocked Tate awake to get his professional opinion. One slight press of the knuckle and Riley was cursing a blue streak while Tate got dressed to drive him to the hospital. The good news was that it was fixable without a cast or surgery.

  Nevertheless, the idea of having his two middle fingers strapped together for the next three weeks did not improve his mood one iota. He felt stupid and embarrassed on top of being bone tired.

  “Stop picking,” Tate scolded with a swipe at Riley’s curious fingers as they fussed with the tape on his hand.

  “Leave me be,” Riley grunted, holding his hands out of Tate’s reach. “You should be focused on the road.”

  With Seb leaving that evening, he’d gone with Joan to the hospital to spend some time with their dad. Hell, at least the news there was good. Park was being moved from HDU to a regular room, which also came with whispers about his possible release if he continued to show improvement.

  Riley was pretty bummed about Seb’s departure, especially in light of the bombshell that was dropped the day before, but his little brother had promised he’d try to get back to Michigan as soon as he was able. Riley didn’t want to think about when Tate would have to leave, too. Who knew he could be so needy?

  Anxious about his own job, Riley called Max to check in. He didn’t tell his buddy the news, because shit, he was still trying to come to terms with that himself, but he was relieved to hear all was well with the shop. Max assured him that he was welcome to take all the time he needed when Riley explained that his stay in Michigan could roll on for another couple of weeks. He told Riley he was loving the fact that he had an excuse to keep Grace in New York with him—rather than her being in her hometown in West Virginia—while she worked on her next photography project.

  Hearing his friend gush about his girl should have warmed Riley, just as it had every other time Max spoke about Grace, but now it stung his exhausted heart, and that was fucked up considering what Max had been through to find her. Why couldn’t life be fucking simple?

  It took Riley a moment to notice that Tate was pulling into the lot at the back of the park. As it was Sunday afternoon and the sun was baking the place, the park teemed with people and their kids. Kids. Riley hadn’t thought about having kids for years. Of course, he’d thought about having kids with Lexie, but under very different circumstances.

  Panic began to take a stronger hold.

  What if Lexie did bring Noah? What the hell would Riley say to him—Hey, kid, I’m your daddy, wanna play Star Wars games? He smiled a little, remembering Noah’s love for the lightsaber he’d hunted down in the Disney store and the balloon he’d had tied to his small wrist. Actually, that sounded kind of perfect for the little guy.

  Maybe he should have brought something to give him.

  The car engine turning off brought Riley’s attention back to the moment. He inhaled and rubbed a sweating palm across his forehead. Tate stayed silent at his side, and Riley was nothing but grateful. No words could calm him down anyway. “Okay,” he muttered to himself before opening the car door and getting out. He pulled his Ray-Bans from the pocket of his cargo shorts and put them on, cursing his sore hand as he did.

  “I’ll just be at Mom’s. You call if you need me, okay?” Tate said over the roof of the car.

  Riley looked out to the park, spotting Lexie immediately, his gaze drawn to her like a magnet. She was alone. Riley didn’t know whether to be relieved or thrilled. “Thanks, man.”

  Tate nodded and climbed back into the car as Riley set off, keeping his eyes firmly on Lexie. The fact that she looked incredible boiled Riley’s blood further. Her hair was up, which had always been his favorite look on her. She wore a skirt, black flip-flops, and a Sons of Anarchy vest top that showed off her amazing ink. Stars, planets, flowers, and her father’s name littered the top part of her arms, like a map of her life, and it was incredibly sexy.

  How unfair was it that he was still so attracted to her? He sighed. How unfair was it that he was still so in love with her? He stutter-stepped as that thought hit. Jesus. What the hell did that mean and, more importantly, did it even matter? Would it even change anything? He doubted that and, unable to process it, he shook off the thought. His brain was already too stuffed to deal with that shit and, right now, he needed to be on point.

  He approached the tree Lexie was standing under. Glancing around, Riley realized they were far enough away from everyone else to have a modicum of privacy. He stopped in front of her, his jaw ticking as he ground his teeth in an effort to keep calm. To her credit, she looked as nervous as he felt. She fidgeted and shifted where she stood, smiling small. “Hey.”

  Riley sighed, battling between the urge to shake her stupid for being so selfish and thoughtless and his desire to sit with her in the shade of the tree and talk like they used to. He decided to hell with the pleasantries. “I’m here to talk about Noah,” he said, noticing Lexie’s wince as he spoke.

  She pressed her lips together and nodded. She lifted a hand, gesturing behind him. “He’s over there with Savannah.”

  Looking over his shoulder to see the little boy playing on the climbing frame whipped every word straight from Riley’s mind. Everything he’d wanted to throw at Lex, accuse her of, evaporated, leaving him standing there like an asshole, watching his son, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Sadness swept through him with the realization that he’d missed too many firsts, too many times when Noah would have done something and Riley should have been present.

  “Why?” he whispered, turning back to Lexie. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

  “I tried so many times,” she answered, her voice faltering. “When I first discovered I was pregnant, I picked up the phone to call you. I actually dialed the number, but no one answered.”

  Riley gradually did the math in his head. “Was that June?” Lexie nodded, and Riley’s stomach plummeted. “I was in Kill.”

  “Yeah. I found out from my mom, who’d heard about your sentence.”

  Riley crossed his arms, hating that his stupid choices had affected something else important in his life. “When’s Noah’s birthday?”

  “February fifteenth.”

  “Why didn’t you call me when I was released if you knew?”

  “I thought about it—”

  “Fucking thought about it?” Riley snapped.

  “Yes,” Lexie retorted, her timidity vanishing before his eyes, “I did. Every damned day I thought about it, wanting so badly to tell you, wondering what you’d say when I told you, how you’d feel, all the while scared to death that you’d just walk away from us, from me, just like you’ve done for years.”

  Riley almost staggered back, struck dumb by her words and the heat behind them. “Walked away? Are you fucking serious right now or are you genuinely not hearing yourself?” />
  “I can hear just fine.”

  “Then let me tell you something.” He took a giant step toward her. “The only time I ever walked away from you was when you told me to. The only time you asked me to stay away, I listened. I did what you asked, so don’t you fucking dare throw that back in my face when the last time I saw you, you begged me to leave and never come back.”

  The fire fizzled and simmered behind her glasses in the blue of Lexie’s eyes, before she blinked it away. “When do you ever listen to me?” she asked with a shake of her head, looking across the park at Noah.

  “It killed me to stay away,” Riley admitted toward his feet before he glared at her. “Don’t ever make it sound like it was my choice or that it was easy.”

  Lexie dipped her chin minutely, seemingly contrite. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Riley turned, standing at her side, watching Savannah and Noah run around the slide. Lexie took a deep breath. “I was so damned scared, Riley. You have no idea. I knew it would change everything, but then when I heard you’d been sent to prison and for that long, I had no idea what to do. I was angry with you.” She looked up at him. “How could you have been so stupid?” Riley tried not to show how much her words stung or the shame that still slithered through him. “Of course I wanted to call you when you were released,” she continued. “I did, but I didn’t know how you’d be after time inside, whether you were even the same person. I mean, the Riley I knew wouldn’t have even thought about breaking the law. I didn’t know who you were. I wasn’t about to invite a stranger into our lives. Then the days passed and, before I knew it, Noah was a year old, walking and talking. We came back here and I opened my business. I created this perfect bubble for Noah and me. We’re happy; my store is successful and . . . I didn’t know what bringing you into it would do. Every time before has been a nightmare and I have a good life here, Riley. Noah and I have a good life here. I won’t let anything change that.” She paused, her words settling around them like dead leaves. “I want to do what’s best for my son.”

  “Having his father around would have been the best thing,” Riley remarked, his shame turning to irritation. “Surely you of all people understand that.”

  Lexie’s chin snapped to him. “That’s not fair.”

  “Fair?” Riley scoffed. “What’s not fair is that you’ve seen Noah grow. You were there for all the things I’ve missed. Sure, I was in Kill those first eight months after he was born, but I would have been here after that. Whatever happened between us is nothing compared to how much I hate that you denied me that.”

  Lexie was quiet for a beat, her expression pained. “I was afraid. I thought I was protecting my son. To you it might sound stupid and selfish, and having you back here now, maybe it is. But that’s all I have.”

  Riley shook his head. “I’m still me, Lex. Doing time didn’t change that.”

  They stood then for a few hushed moments, watching their blond-haired boy as he laughed and giggled and waved when he caught them both watching. As livid as Riley was with Lexie, he couldn’t deny the smile that Noah brought to his face. “He looks like me.”

  Lexie huffed good-humoredly. “Right? My genes didn’t stand a chance. It’s eerie sometimes. When he looks at me a certain way, I see so much of the little boy I remember.” She crossed her arms and hugged herself. “It makes me realize how much I’ve missed you.”

  Riley sighed, the heat of his temper weakening with her confession. “I’ve missed you, too, Lex. I always have. But this isn’t about us, it’s about Noah, and I want to get to know him.”

  Lexie nodded. “Of course. He’s your son. You have every right to, but I have to know what your plans are.”

  Riley turned to face her again. “Plans?”

  Lexie pushed her bangs to the side. “Look, Riley, seeing you again brings back so much for me. It’s nice, but it also scares me to death. We’ve done this so many times, you and me: you come back, you stay for a while, then everything goes wrong and you leave again.” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to argue. “And that’s fine. I can deal with that. It’s our thing and has been for years. But I won’t deal with you doing the same to Noah. I will not stand by and let you get to know him, for him to fall in love with you, and then for you to take off and leave me to pick up the pieces.”

  “I live in New York, Lex. I have a life there, a job. I’ll have to go back eventually.”

  “Yes, I understand that. But if you want to be a part of Noah’s life, you can’t leave years in between visits.”

  Hurt, Riley pulled his shades deliberately from his face, looking Lexie square in the eye. “Is this my fault?”

  Lexie frowned. “Is what your fault?”

  “The fact that you think so little of me.”

  Lexie’s expression softened, her gaze nervous as it roamed his face. “No,” she answered carefully. “No . . . I don’t think so little of you, Riley. I just— I don’t want Noah to get hurt.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “I know.” Lexie looked away, toeing the ground as she did. “I know. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. For everything.”

  Seeing her struggle, Riley reached out and took Lexie’s wrist, pulling it gently from against her body. He wrapped his hand over hers and squeezed. Admittedly, she looked surprised, but she didn’t pull away. He tried to ignore the fizz and crackle of her skin against his. “I never wanted us to be . . . like this.”

  Her chin trembled. “Me, too. I shouldn’t have— I should have trusted you. You deserve better from me.”

  Riley blinked in surprise at her words. “We’ll get there,” he said, releasing her.

  She noticed the tape on his fingers. “What did you do to your hand?”

  He shrugged. “Acted like a moron.”

  “Nothing changes.”

  Riley cocked an eyebrow in amusement. The tension between them didn’t disappear entirely but seemed to lift, allowing them to breathe as they looked at one another. With relief, Riley realized they’d cleared some of the air that had clouded them both for far too long, but he still had to ask the question that had been plaguing him since he’d learned of Noah’s existence. “Tell me something.”

  “Okay.”

  “If I weren’t here right now, would you ever have told me? Honestly.”

  Lexie exhaled but held his gaze. “Yes, I would have. My plan was to tell you before he started school.”

  Riley watched her carefully. “And would you?”

  She nodded. “He needs his father, Riley.” As hard as he looked, Riley couldn’t see an ounce of dishonesty. “Would you like to officially meet your son?”

  Riley’s pulse spiked. “Um . . . yeah.”

  Lexie’s smile grew. “You’ll be fine.”

  Riley wiped his hands on the ass of his shorts. “What do I say to him? I mean, do I tell him that I’m . . .”

  Lexie seemed to consider this for a moment. “Look, Noah is a bright kid. He’s observant, but we haven’t really had the daddy conversation yet. So how about you’re just Riley for now and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  Instead of feeling disappointment, the panic in Riley lessened. He wasn’t sure he was ready to be “Daddy” just yet, as amazing a privilege as that was. He was happy just to take it a day at a time. “Fine.”

  They set off across the park toward Noah and Savannah. Noah, with arms out wide making plane engine sounds with his mouth, ran toward them. “Mommy, looks at me, I’m a fighting jet!”

  “That’s awesome,” Lexie said with a laugh, reaching out to grab him as he ran past. He dodged her, giggling as he did. “You’re so fast!”

  Riley nodded toward Lexie’s sister. “Hey, Sav.”

  She smiled back, apparently relieved that Riley and Lexie were both still in one piece. “Good to see you, Riley. Is Seb home?”

  Lexie clicked her tongue. “Behave.”

  Riley watched Noah, captivated. The pride of seeing his son play happily sparked fiercely
within him. It was unbelievable to think that this little person was a part of him. Noah existed because of Riley, because of him and Lexie. “It’s incredible,” he murmured, not meaning for anyone to hear. He startled a little when Lexie’s hand squeezed his forearm.

  “Hey, Noah, come and say hello to Riley,” Lexie called.

  Noah spun around in a circle and charged toward them. “The Disney man?”

  Riley chuckled at the sound of the boy’s lisp. It might have been the cutest thing he’d ever heard. “That’s right. The Disney man.” Noah came closer, but he didn’t stop moving, still shooting and flying in his imaginary plane game. Riley dropped onto his haunches, not wanting to tower over him. “How ya doin’, buddy? Where’s your Star Wars balloon?”

  “Tied to my bed,” Noah answered conversationally, twirling on the spot. “Mommy said I could puts it there when I cleaned up the Legos.”

  Riley’s eyes skittered up to Lexie. “Good deal. So what else do you like, Noah?”

  Noah paused in his shooting for a moment, his hazel eyes on the clear blue sky before he answered. “Batman, tattoos like Mommy.” He lifted his T-shirt to show Riley a transfer tattoo of a lion on his round belly, and Riley was immediately walloped with a memory of Lexie and her sparkly stick-on tattoo obsession. “Hey,” Noah added. “You haves some tattoos.” He looked over Riley’s shoulders carefully. “And that’s like my Mommy’s.” Noah pointed to the world on the inside of Riley’s forearm and moved closer. On the breeze, Riley caught a scent of the little boy, all soft sunbeams and fabric softener. “Look, Mommy, it’s the sames. You match.”

  “Yeah, baby,” Lexie affirmed softly. “We do.”

  Riley looked her over, sucking in a breath when he saw the longing in Lexie’s gaze. There was no denying what he saw, because he knew his expression mirrored it exactly. He knew she was thinking about that day, the day they chose to permanently mark themselves for one another, after which they made love on a blanket in their spot in the forest. They’d come together hot, loud, and beautiful under the summer sunshine, clung to each other, and then did it all over again. Jesus, he’d moved so hard in her that day. She’d begged him, too, to mark her on the inside to match the mark she had for him outside, so he had, pushing deeper, thrusting faster, needing to get so close to her, closer to her.