A Measure of Love

by Sophie Jackson

  Feeling a little breathless, Riley’s stare slipped down Lexie’s arm to where he knew her tattoo was and smiled at the cursive Noah she’d had inked in an arc over the top of it. “Nice addition,” he said. His attention snapped back to Noah when he felt a little fingertip trace the outline of the designs on his biceps. Riley was amazed at how brave Noah was to do that and, God, he was so close and so real that Riley had the overwhelming and sudden urge to grab him up in a tight hug.

  “You like these?” he asked instead, voice a little shaky.

  Noah nodded. “They’re cool. What’s this?”

  “That’s a dandelion,” Riley explained. “See how the parts of it blow up my arm?” The little fingertip moved up and over the artwork. Riley grinned. “Maybe when you’re a big boy you can get a real one.”

  “Maybe,” Lexie interjected before Noah could respond. She smiled down at the two of them.

  “Do you really have Batman socks?” Noah asked quietly.

  Riley blinked. “Of course. I’m surprised you remember that.”

  Noah’s lips twitched and his finger stopped at the tip of Riley’s shoulder. His innocent gaze met Riley’s. “Do you know what else I likes?”

  Riley dropped his voice as though it was a secret. “What?”

  “Ice cream.”

  “Really?” Riley exclaimed. “That’s my most favorite thing in the world. What flavor?”

  Noah smiled. “Chocolate.”

  “That’s crazy, dude, because chocolate is my most favorite, too.”

  Noah tilted his head as he regarded Riley. The purity and trust in that one look made Riley’s heart skip and trip over itself. The strength of emotion he felt at that moment was almost crushing and made his ribs ache, as though they struggled to contain his heart as it grew.

  Over Noah’s shoulder, Riley spotted an ice-cream truck in the distance. “Maybe, if Mommy says it’s okay, I could take you to get some.” Riley glanced at Lexie, who’d also noticed the truck.

  “Can we, Mommy?” Noah asked, suddenly all wide eyes and clapping hands.

  Lexie laughed. “Okay.” She reached into her back pocket for what Riley assumed was her wallet. He stopped her with a shake of his head as he stood.

  “This is on me. You want?” She pressed her lips together and he knew immediately what she wanted. “Strawberry?”

  “What else?”

  Riley turned to Lexie’s sister, who had been standing quietly throughout the whole exchange. “Sav?

  “Chocolate for me, too.”

  “Come on, Auntie Sav!” Noah yelled, grabbing her hand. “Disney man—”

  “Riley,” Lexie corrected.

  “Disney man Riley is gettings us ice creams!”

  Lexie and Riley followed in their son’s wake as he pulled Savannah toward the truck. “You did great,” Lexie offered.

  Riley nodded, unable to drag his attention away from Noah bouncing and happy. “Yeah, I . . . He’s amazing. I can’t believe we did that, Lex.”

  Lexie stopped at his side when they reached the truck. “I know.”

  “Mommy?” The two of them turned at the sound of Noah’s voice. “Can we has them now?” Riley ordered all four of the ice creams and, as cones were given out, he watched Noah and Lexie start to enjoy them.

  It was so odd being this close to Lexie again after so long. Within him, anger and disappointment warred with nostalgia and hope. They still had so much to talk about, so much to decide and arrange if Riley was going to have a regular place in Noah’s life. And he wanted nothing less. He had to be real; as much as he wanted to reconnect with Lexie, it wasn’t just about the two of them anymore—there was Noah to think about, and he was far too important for Riley to mess shit up by being mixed up over Lexie. Things were too complicated, too fragile, to make any silly mistakes. He had to learn to be a father first before he even thought about him and Lexie being more.

  And, honestly, did he even want that?

  “Thank you, Riley,” Noah said with a mouth full of chocolate ice cream and a wide smile. “This is the bestest.”

  Riley nodded. “You’re welcome, bud.”

  · · ·

  “So that was it?” Tate spat from his place across their parents’ dinner table. “That was the reason she gave for not telling you about Noah?”

  Riley sighed at Tate’s tone. “Yeah.”

  “That’s utter bullshit,” he retorted with a shake of his head, vehemence apparent in the way he gulped his drink. “She should have told you before now. She kept your son from you, man.”

  Riley simply lifted his eyebrows in reply. Of course his brother was right and honestly, given long enough, when he thought about it, Riley’s blood, too, would start to boil. He’d forget what a nice afternoon he’d spent with Lexie and Noah and instead begin to contemplate how hurt and resentful he was that she’d kept him and his son apart.

  “I have to agree,” his mom said from her seat at his side. “I can’t understand why she didn’t at least try and get in contact.”

  Riley lifted his shoulders. “What do you want me to say? I can only tell you what she told me.”

  “I know, honey,” she said, resigned. “But it doesn’t make it fair. I thought more of her.”

  Yeah, so had Riley. But then, Lexie always did make rash decisions when it came to matters of the heart. He pushed his half-eaten plate of food away and sat back, arms crossed defensively over his chest. Riley didn’t like feeling so guarded, and God knew he certainly didn’t have need to be—he wasn’t in the wrong here—but, frustratingly, he’d always been that way with Lexie.

  “So what happens now?” Joan asked, her gaze careful.

  Riley shrugged. “I’ve told her I want full access to Noah. I want to get to know him. I’ve already missed too much.”

  She nodded, her lips twitching with what looked like the beginnings of a smile. “And do we get a chance to get to know him, too?”

  Riley scratched his chin. “I told Lex that I want to bring him here to meet you all, but Noah needs to get to know me first.”

  “I agree,” Joan commented. “He’s only a little boy. You don’t want to overwhelm him.” She pinched her shoulders, the wary expression she’d harbored since Riley’s return from meeting Lexie and Noah morphing into something softer, wistful, more maternal. “I . . . can’t quite believe I’m a grandmother.” She laced her fingers together, resting them under her chin.

  Tate huffed a laugh. “At least I don’t have to worry about giving you grandkids now.” Riley tried to smile but it felt too heavy, too forced. He sighed instead and rubbed a palm across his forehead, where the beginnings of a righteous headache had begun to tap ceaselessly at the inside of his skull. “I know this sounds utterly ridiculous all things considered,” Tate said gently, his anger at Lexie momentarily receding, “but are you all right?”

  Riley shook his head no, because, no, he wasn’t all right. He was all over the place—confused, emotional, and completely lost as to how he was going to sort through the cluster fuck of the situation he’d found himself in. He’d known he was a father for all of twenty-four hours, during which he’d been thinking of nothing else, and his brain felt as though it was about ready to slide out of his damned ears. Being an optimistic and lighthearted person most of the time, Riley found the dregs of frustration and fury hard to handle. They left him exhausted and short tempered and desperate for a solution.

  Tate’s words about Lexie’s selfishness and stupidity echoed through Riley, stirring up his own ire, forcing his body into action. He needed to get out, get some fresh air, clear his head.

  With a vague “I’m going out” and a short apology for leaving in the middle of dinner, Riley grabbed the car keys and, with a dismissive wave toward Tate, who offered to accompany him because Riley’s fingers were still taped together, climbed into the car, reversed out of the drive, and spun its wheels down the street.

  For twenty minutes he cruised, his brain racing, his heart hurting. The look
of panic in Lexie’s eyes when Sav had walked into the store with Noah flashed through his mind, morphing gradually into the face of his son, smiling and laughing and covered in ice cream. How unfair was it that he couldn’t even stay angry for that long? Disappointment, however, still bubbled through him, making his heart heavy and his fists clench.

  He pulled the car to a stop and climbed out, realizing with a jolt that he was in the hospital parking lot. Pushing his hands into his pockets, he made his way inside the building, climbing into the elevator and pushing the button for the floor he knew his father was on. He had no idea why he was there or what his father would say when he walked in alone, but the relative calm and quiet of the hospital ward tempered the absolute festival that had taken up residence in Riley’s head. He approached the nurses’ station, grateful to see the familiar face of the nurse he knew was looking after his dad.

  “Visiting ends in a half hour,” she informed him, then winked. “But my watch is about a half hour slow.”

  Riley dipped his chin in thanks and wandered down the hall toward his father’s room. With a nervous stretch of his neck, Riley tapped a knuckle on the doorjamb. Park was sitting up in bed, reading glasses in the middle of his nose and a newspaper on his lap. The TV played quietly to itself in the corner of the room. He looked over at Riley, his expression surprised.

  “Hey,” Riley offered as he took a couple of tentative steps into the room.

  Park pulled his glasses from his face. “Your mom here?”

  Riley shook his head. “Just me.”

  Park lifted his chin. “I see.” He cleared his throat and folded his newspaper before placing it on the wheeled table that reached over his bed. “Are you okay?”

  Wasn’t that the million-dollar question? Riley made his way over to one of the two chairs in the room and sat down. “I have a lot on my mind. I don’t mean to disturb you. I just needed somewhere quiet to go and . . . think, I guess.”

  Park scoffed. “This is probably the least quiet place you could have chosen. Nurse Ratched is in here every fifteen minutes, pokin’ and proddin’ me with some kind of implement and asking how I am.”

  “I can leave if you’d prefer,” Riley offered.

  Park waved a hand, reaching for the TV remote with the other. “You’re here now.”

  Riley’s chest loosened in relief despite the dismissive reply. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine. I keep telling them all I’m fine, but they won’t listen.” Riley couldn’t help but smile as his father grumbled. He certainly looked better. Still avoiding looking at Riley, he added, “From the sound of it I’m doing better than you.”

  Riley dropped his hands between his knees and nodded toward the floor. He knew his mom would have told his father everything. “Yeah.”

  He looked up to see his father’s stare on the TV with his lips pressed together as though he wanted to say something but either didn’t know how or couldn’t. Sadness bloomed in Riley’s stomach. Truthfully, he missed his dad, and some fatherly advice right now would have been gratefully received.

  Riley slumped back in his chair. Everything felt so messed up. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d felt so out of control, so unsure, and he hated it. He let his head loll back and closed his eyes, allowing the background sounds of the place seep into him, trying his best to clear his mind.

  He had no idea how much time had passed when he was woken by a hand on his arm.

  “You passed out, honey,” the nurse whispered. “Visiting time is over.”

  Riley sat up, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands, suppressing the yawn that built in his throat. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she replied. “Your dad here told us to leave you.”

  Riley’s eyebrows jumped. He looked over at Park, who was back to reading his newspaper. An empty plate and a half-drunk glass of juice sat on his table. “Seemed senseless to disturb you,” Park said nonchalantly toward his lap.

  “I appreciate it,” Riley said, stretching his arms above his head, the vertebrae in his spine giving a satisfied pop. He stood. “I’ll leave you alone. Thanks for . . . letting me in.”

  Park glanced up, his eyes traveling over Riley quickly before they rested back on his paper. “You need to look after yourself. You have a lot more than just you to think about and be responsible for now.”

  He may have intended for his words to be harsh, but the way Park said them, all soft and knowing, caused Riley’s throat to thicken. “Yes, sir. I know.” He floundered a little, wanting to sit and talk more, but knowing they were still too far apart, with more foundations needing to be built before they would be anything like they used to be. Riley threw a thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll leave you in peace. Thanks again.”

  Park dipped his chin in reply. Riley couldn’t have been certain, but the last words he thought he heard as he made his way out of the room were, “Take care, son.”

  11

  Twenty years ago . . .

  “What are you and that boy doing today?” Lexie’s father asked as he placed a bowl of cereal in front of her.

  “His name’s Riley, Daddy.”

  “I know,” he grumbled as he sat down next to her. “I just like making sure he remembers where he comes in the grand scheme of things around here.”

  “Scheme of things?”

  Her father smiled as he lifted his coffee cup to his lips. “Don’t worry about it. So what are you two doing?”

  “We’re playing in the spaceship,” she answered, shoveling cereal into her mouth. “We’re traveling to Jupiter.”

  “Sounds great. You’ll be careful, won’t you? Mommy and Sav will be back from the store in an hour or so.”

  “We’re always careful,” Lexie replied casually.

  She leaped from her seat when a small knock came at the front door, throwing her spoon in the half-empty bowl. “That’s Riley!”

  “He’s early. It’s only just gone nine.”

  “Mommy said it was okay, Daddy,” Lexie called back over her shoulder. “We have a lot to do.”

  Her father’s chuckle followed her down the hallway to where she opened the front door. Riley and Joan stood on the porch.

  “Hi,” Lexie said with a smile, which Riley mirrored. The two of them had been playing together for a year and Lexie certainly considered him her best friend.

  “Christine said it was okay to drop Riley off,” Joan said to Lexie’s dad, who was now standing behind her. “Park’s at work and I’ve been called in.”

  “No problem. Alexis tells me they’re traveling to Jupiter today.”

  “Dad!” Lexie said in exasperation. “It’s a secret mission.” Both Lexie’s dad and Joan laughed, causing both Lexie and Riley to frown. Their parents simply didn’t understand. “Come on, Riley,” Lexie said. “We have to go.”

  “ ’Bye, Mom,” he uttered quickly before he followed Lexie through the house and out the back door toward the forest and the spaceship they had built with Lexie’s father. It sat around ten feet off the ground and, although Lexie and Riley called it their Apollo, her parents called it a tree house.

  Lexie began climbing up the pieces of wood that had been fixed to the tree, knowing Riley was right behind her. He always was, and it made her feel very lucky to have such a good friend. They both clambered onto their Apollo and began moving around the boxes, tins, pans, and other bric-a-brac that made up the seats and controls of the spaceship.

  “Are we really going to Jupiter?” Riley asked as he placed the pilot’s seat (a large box) in front of her.

  “Sure,” Lexie replied. “We can go anywhere.”

  “How about Mars?”

  Lexie laughed. “Anywhere.” She spread her arms wide and spun. “Anywhere. We can see all of the stars and all the galaxies. Together.” She spun the other way. “We can explore black holes and travel the universe.”

  Riley laughed. “And Pluto?”

  “Anywhere.” Lexie jumped and spun, making herself d
izzy and tilting sideways.

  She was aware simultaneously of two things. The first thing was that Riley was staring at her as though she was the most terrifying thing he’d ever seen, and the second was that her foot was touching nothing but air. It was a split second later that she began falling. Lexie had never considered how high or how long it would take to fall ten feet, but it seemed like it took forever. She heard a scream, she heard her name, and then she hit the ground, and all she felt was pain.

  Her arm was on fire from the inside out and all she could do was shout for Riley, her mom, and her dad. Riley’s face appeared above hers, his eyes filled with tears. “Lexie? Lexie? Are you all right?” He took her hand, the hand that was attached to the arm that didn’t feel like it was burning up in flames, and squeezed it. “Your dad’s coming, Lexie. Hold on to me.”

  “Lexie!” Her father’s voice came next, sounding almost like he was underwater. Then she was moving and the pain in her arm made her scream out. “I know, baby. Just breathe. We need to take you to the hospital. Riley? We need to move.”

  In the car, Riley sat next to her, holding her hand and telling her he wasn’t going to leave her. The journey to the ER and the subsequent wait passed in an excruciating blur for Lexie. She just knew that Riley, as he promised, was with her the entire time, concerned and telling her over and over that she was going to be all right. Of course she was, but the broken arm and the pink cast she was now sporting were going to make the rest of the summer hard. She picked at a small piece of the cast that wasn’t quite set and sighed. The color made up for the pain and the embarrassment of it all, she supposed.

  “At least it’ll go with everything you wear,” Riley commented from his spot on the edge of her hospital bed, where he’d been since Lexie’s parents had gone to find a doctor to sign something. He smiled, and Lexie was unable to hold her own smile back.