A Measure of Love

by Sophie Jackson

  “Thanks, baby,” Lexie said with a smile as she kissed his head. “You go to bed when Grandma says, okay? One snack and some juice if you want.”

  “Okay,” he murmured, his focus still on the crayon in his hand and the picture he was completing.

  Lexie grabbed her bag and headed to the front door, sensing her mother behind her. “Are you okay?” Christine asked.

  Lexie had told her mom everything, as she always did, about Riley. And, as she always had been throughout her daughter’s life, Christine was nothing but supportive. When Lexie had broken up with Riley all those years ago, Christine had tried her best to talk her around. She’d always had a soft spot for the little boy who first appeared across the street when he was eight years old, and she fought his corner with gusto. It had been fruitless, though. Lexie had made her decision.

  Lexie breathed and smiled. “Sure. I’m good. Just nervous.”

  Christine moved closer and rubbed a hand down Lexie’s arm. “Sweetheart, don’t be nervous. If it’s meant to be . . . just don’t let your history cloud what you want. Noah’s your priority now.”

  “I know, Mom.” She knew her mother was concerned, and maybe she should have been, but Lexie was sure she and Riley could move past what had been before. They had to. For Noah. She leaned over and kissed her mother’s cheek as a knock came at the door. Lexie’s heart fluttered as she opened it.

  Riley was standing on the porch. He was gloriously sexy in his dark blue jeans, black flip-flops, and a sleeveless red T-shirt that showed off his ink. He looked to have trimmed his beard a little, too, and his hair was pushed back enough that it curled slightly behind his ears. His hazel eyes were playful and reached into Lexie, calming every inch of her.

  “Hey,” he said with a wide grin that made her a little dizzy. She desperately wanted to reach out and touch him. He smiled over Lexie’s shoulder. “Hey, Christine. How’re you?”

  Lexie’s mom moved around her and pulled Riley into a hug. “My goodness, you get more handsome every time I see you.”

  Riley chuckled, returning the hug. “Thanks. It’s good to see you.”

  Christine pulled back and patted his face gently. “You too, Riley. It’s been too long.”

  “Riley!” Noah barreled down the hallway toward the three of them, arms out wide. Lexie watched in fascinated wonder as he threw himself at Riley, who caught him, picked him up, and threw him into the air before holding him at his hip.

  “Hey, buddy!” Riley beamed as they high-fived. “Awesome jammies.”

  It was such a beautiful thing seeing the two of them together, and it twisted the knot of guilt in Lexie’s chest at having kept them apart for so long. She was determined to make up for her mistake in any way she could. She owed both of them that much. Over the past week, having Riley around again, Lexie had allowed herself to wonder how she would explain to Noah about the choices she’d made. Did it frighten her? Of course, but what option was there? She wanted to be nothing but honest with her son and she knew, down the line, no matter what happened between her and Riley, she would have to tell him the truth.

  “Are you and Mommy goings out?” Noah asked, pushing a small finger through Riley’s beard.

  “We are,” Riley answered, holding him close.

  “Can I come?”

  “Maybe next time, dude.”

  Noah pouted a little. “Can we play again?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Actually,” Riley’s gaze slid over to Lexie, “I’m going back to New York tomorrow for a few days. I need to check on some things at my shop.”

  A feeling of disappointment tickled Lexie’s neck.

  “You haves a shop?” Noah asked, eyes wide, head tilted. The two of them were so damned alike.

  “I sure do.”

  “A candy shop?”

  Riley laughed. “No, man. A shop where I fix cars and bikes.”

  Noah appeared to consider this. “Can I come?”

  “One day.”

  “And I can see your house?”

  “Sure.” Riley cleared his throat. “If your mommy says that’s okay.”

  Lexie nodded. “I’m sure it’d be fine.”

  “Okay, man,” Riley said as he carefully placed Noah back on the floor. “We gotta go.”

  Noah sighed and moved to stand next to Christine. Lexie bent down and kissed his cheek. “Be good. I love you.”

  “All the world.”

  When Lexie stood, she noticed the startled expression on Riley’s face. “Are you ready?”

  He nodded, smiled again at Christine, and held a fist out for Noah to bump. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

  Noah didn’t even seem to think about it before he hugged Riley’s leg tightly, his cheek against Riley’s thigh. “ ’Bye.”

  Lexie wasn’t blind to the shimmer in Riley’s eye as he bent down and kissed Noah’s hair and it warmed her very soul. Lexie had been more than relieved that they’d taken so quickly to one another. Not that she should have been surprised; Noah was a social butterfly and Riley was easy to love. He was also going to be an exceptional father. Like most things, he took to it so naturally. It was obvious he was already head over heels for the little boy.

  Noah let go, they said their good-byes again, and she and Riley headed down the path toward the car. It was such a familiar thing, having Riley at her side that way, his hand at the small of her back, his aftershave wafting around her subtle and rich. He opened her door, smiling as she climbed in, causing goose bumps to ripple across every inch of Lexie’s body. He really didn’t play fair. As much as she’d agreed that they had to be sensible and consider the repercussions should they become intimate again, the pull she felt when he was near was almost impossible to ignore. As if an invisible rope connected her heart to his, her chest expanded and squeezed whenever he looked at her in that way of his, gentle and devastatingly sexy.

  God knew it had been such a simple thing, falling in love with Riley all those years ago. It had been so easy, so effortless. She likened it to slipping under freshly washed bedcovers in clean pajamas: warm, soothing, safe, and very hard to leave. Once it happened, once she was old enough to realize what her feelings for him meant, there had been no question as to whether she’d love him forever. He was everything she’d wanted and, seeing him now, she knew nothing had changed. She still wanted him. She wanted him desperately. Spending time together had stirred up more heat and excitement inside her than she’d felt in five years. It was a heady combination of lust, longing, and a love she’d tried her hardest to put behind her.

  There had been other men during their time apart, before Noah, of course, but none of them had ever come close to invoking the passion and emotion in her that Riley did. The burn, the need, the exquisite desire that slipped lusciously through her veins, deep into her bones, was never there. The man was in her very marrow, and always would be, no matter what happened between them.

  She watched him as he drove, keeping her eyes on his forearms and the ink that shifted and moved as he changed gears or turned the wheel. He looked unbelievable in his aviator shades, too. Being fascinated by Riley in that way wasn’t a new thing for Lexie, and she allowed herself the pleasure of staring, soaking him all in.

  “You okay?” he asked with a quick glance over at her.

  “Yeah,” she answered quickly, because it was the truth. She hadn’t felt as good for a long time and, as content as she had been with her life in Riley’s absence, it was clear that her heart had been missing something. “I just like watching you.”

  He nodded and looked over at her again as they approached a junction. “I like you watching me.”

  Despite the trouble he seemed to have in admitting as much, when he licked his lips, the smolder in Lexie’s belly sparked. “You’re not making this easy on me, are you?”

  His laugh filled the car. “I didn’t know I was supposed to.” He leaned an elbow on the window’s edge. “Besides, I think we have a
lot to discuss before anything else. Wouldn’t you say?” He lifted his eyebrows above his shades.

  “Absolutely. I just . . . I guess us being together that way is the only thing we do well together.”

  “That’s not entirely true.” Riley cocked his head. “We made a pretty great kid.”

  Lexie bit her bottom lip, his words stirring the craving within her even more.

  Riley was quiet for a moment as he drove. “Do you remember the night that we—?”

  “Yes.”

  Of course, she remembered the night Noah was conceived. She’d thought about it tirelessly now that Riley was around. How desperate they’d been to get closer, to feel more skin, to fuck each other senseless, even with the vitriolic words they’d fired at one another. The heat of their hurt and frustration had exploded between them, resulting in his lifting up her dress and ripping her underwear in an effort to get inside of her. He’d been brutal as he’d taken her and she’d loved every second, ripping his shirt in kind as he slammed into her again and again. They’d come so hard together, she yelling out his name as he groaned beautifully in her ear. She’d been on the Pill and hadn’t given the fact that they’d made love without a condom for the first time in years another thought until her period was two months late.

  As sex with Riley always was, it had been such an overwhelming experience, messing with Lexie’s already confused mind, that she’d told him to leave and never contact her again. They’d played the same game for too long and Lexie’s heart had been raw with it. She couldn’t face him leaving again, so, as she had done when they were nineteen, she’d pushed him away. He hadn’t even argued with her, which told Lexie he was as tired of their bullshit as she was. He looked to consider it for a split second with that pained look in his eyes before he’d fastened his jeans and left.

  Now, unthinkingly, Lexie reached out a hand and placed it on his forearm. He turned to look at her, dividing his attention between where she was touching him and the road before he shifted his arm away. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but it hurt nonetheless.

  The car pulled to a stop in the parking lot and Riley turned off the engine. He sat for a moment, fingers tapping the steering wheel, before he pulled off his shades and looked over at her. “Lex, we both have to stop beating ourselves up for the past. You said shit, I said shit, and we punished each other by fucking. It was a mess for years.”

  An unexpected burst of laughter bubbled up Lexie’s throat. “Such a way with words.” It didn’t matter that they were all true. “But I get what you’re saying.”

  “Good.” He looked down at where she’d touched his arm. “I want us to be friends, Lex. I really do. But I need to be clear: I can’t let us get in the way of my getting to know Noah. I would never forgive myself if something happened between us and you stopped me from seeing him.”

  Lexie’s eyes widened. “I would never do that.”

  Riley’s expression saddened. “You already did do that, Lex. You chose not to tell me about him. You’ve kept us apart for four years.”

  Lexie swallowed hard, fisting her hands in her lap.

  “I need to trust you again,” he said quietly, his stare on the people walking through the parking lot toward the bay. “I need to understand why, I need to . . . take time and think about what I want.”

  She breathed deeply, seeing the conflict in his eyes. It killed her that she’d put it there. “Whatever you need,” she said gently.

  The air in the car began to fizzle as they looked at one another. Her pulse spiked, and the frantic need she had to touch him caused her to reach up and cup his face. The sensation of his beard against her skin made her throat dry. For one breathtaking moment, he leaned into her touch before he sighed and moved back again. “Come on,” he said, his voice deep, “I need a beer.”

  They climbed out of the car and walked the six blocks down to the bay, where the stages were constructed for all the bands. Music filled the evening air, along with the scents of beer and barbeque. Lexie stayed close to Riley’s side as they maneuvered through the crowds before deciding on a relatively quiet spot by a railing, where they could watch the show without being pushed and crushed in the throngs of people. Riley bought them both a beer and a hot dog, which they enjoyed in the time it took for the summer sky to darken. Lights hanging from posts and curled around trees began to turn on all around them as they caught up.

  Riley talked about his work and his friends in New York, and Lexie told him about her own shop and her dream of expanding. She told him about Noah and the first time he sat up, and when he stood and took his first step. She described how he looked like a dot-to-dot puzzle when he got chickenpox and how he was excited to start school in September. She kept talking, loving the expression of pride on Riley’s face, but hating the way his hazel stare would occasionally sadden and twist into something angry and pained. She stopped and leaned her arms on the railing.

  “I know you should have been there for all of that, Riley,” she murmured.

  He mirrored her pose. “Yeah, I should have.” His words were clipped and honest. He shook his head minutely. “But you’ve done an amazing job with him, Lex. You’re a great mom.”

  She didn’t appreciate how important that was to hear until he said it. “Thank you. He makes it easy for me.” She paused. “And he’ll make it easy for you, too. You’ll be there for everything else and I’ll never keep anything from you again.” She’d hidden so much from him over the years—the extent of her depression, her desperate need for him in spite of the fact that she pushed him away, their son.

  “You swear it?” he asked quietly. “No bullshit. I have to be able to trust you again.”

  “I know and I swear it. No bullshit.”

  Riley sipped his drink. She nudged his shoulder with her own. “So tell me about you.” She let her finger trail around the lip of her plastic beer cup. “Have you ever been serious about anyone?”

  He shook his head, staring out toward the bay. “Other than you? No. I tried to forget us, tried to move on, and, honestly, I thought I was doin’ okay, but . . . no. No one came close.” Lexie hated that she felt relieved. She really had no right after the way she’d behaved. “You?”

  She shook her head. “There was never any point trying.”

  As the music echoed from the stage, she and Riley continued to talk. The longer they talked, the easier it became. It was truly lovely to catch glimpses of the friendship she’d cherished, chatting the way they used to. There was no pressure, no tension.

  The only other time the conversation became serious was when Lexie asked about Riley’s father. There was clearly strain there, which Riley did his best to downplay, and it broke Lexie’s heart knowing how important Park’s approval had always been to Riley.

  “I was wondering what you thought about my speaking to your mom,” Lexie hedged. Riley cocked an eyebrow in question. “And your dad, maybe. Your whole family, really. I want to explain. I know you’ve probably told them my reasons, but I’d like to have the opportunity to clear the air myself. I owe your mom . . . so much. And they’re Noah’s family, too.”

  Riley glanced out at the bay. “I think that would be a good idea.” He didn’t need to say it; she could see it on his face: Joan was disappointed in her.

  Lexie pushed her hair back, feeling warm, flustered. “Okay. I’ll stop by in a few days. Leave your dad to recuperate a little more.”

  Suddenly aware of the music playing as they stood there, Lexie giggled. The song emitting from the nearby speakers was the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” “God, this brings back memories.”

  Riley chuckled. “It does. You drove me crazy with this damned song.”

  It was true; she’d put it on replay for at least a week, learning the dance routines with Sav and miming along to all the Nick Carter parts. She’d known Riley had never cared for that type of music, but he’d tolerated it just for her. Innocent and carefree memories flickered through her mind, stealing her bre
ath.

  Her cheeks warmed. “My heart had never beaten as hard as it did when I saw you on the porch the evening of the Junior Dance, waiting for me.” She turned to him. “You know, when I was pregnant,” she whispered, “and I remembered some of the things we did together, Noah would kick so hard, like he knew it was you I was thinking about.”

  For a brief second, longing seemed to flicker across Riley’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. Lexie’s heart clenched. “I hated what had become of us.”

  Riley’s shoulders dropped. “I know. So did I. I still do, but—” He opened his mouth but stopped himself, pressing his lips together.

  “Tell me,” Lexie implored. “Be honest with me. Tell me what you feel.”

  “I feel robbed, Lex,” he blurted, his eyes flaring with heat. “I feel let down. I’m so fucking angry with you, I can’t— It’s bullshit that you didn’t say anything. I mean, okay, you didn’t need to tell me in person; I get that, but something, some note, a fucking text, a phone call.” He stood to his full height, his anger gaining traction with each word he spat. “You kept the most important thing in my life away from me, a secret.” A muscle in his jaw twitched. “What right did you have to do that?”

  “None,” Lexie replied. “I had none. But I was protecting myself, protecting Noah.”

  “From what?” Riley exclaimed, incredulous. “I made a mistake, Lex. I served time. Big fuckin’ deal. I was still the man you knew, the man who would have done anything for you, been there for you, loved you both without question.” His chest heaved.

  Lexie’s eyes stung. It had been so long since she’d seen him so fired up. She’d almost forgotten how magnificent he was. She watched as the ire in him began to recede. He gulped the last of his beer and chucked his empty cup into a nearby trash can. He pushed his hands into his pockets and shifted from foot to foot. It took a lot for Riley to get so irate and almost as long for him to calm back down. Lexie waited at his side, letting his accusations and vitriol fall around her, knowing she deserved nothing less. They were both silent for a long time before she spoke again. “I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you,” she murmured. “I promise.”