A Measure of Love

by Sophie Jackson

  She glanced at him and was struck by the intensity of his stare. It made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. His lack of response weighed heavy and thick between them, and was as loud as though he’d screamed it in her face: he didn’t believe her.

  13

  There had been very few times in Lexie’s life when she felt as nervous as she did standing on the Moore family porch, fidgeting and sweating in the godforsaken heat. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and breathed. She just needed to keep calm. She knew the music she was about to face was deserved and overdue, but that didn’t go much toward calming her down.

  The only thing that did appease her was the fact that, even after so many years, the house was still the same. The lawn was still cut to perfection and was the same vibrant green that Park had always taken great pride in. There were the beautiful explosions of color from the numerous potted flowers—geraniums were Joan’s favorite—and the water hose, which Lexie and Riley would play with all summer long, still sat as though paused in history. It was more than a little comforting.

  Lexie gathered herself and knocked. She’d asked Riley to tell his parents that she intended to visit and hoped beyond hope they’d give her a chance to explain. If she knew Joan and Park at all, there would be little to worry about. But that did little to ease the knot in her chest.

  She was pulled from her frenzied thoughts by the door opening. Joan stood in the doorway, apparently not surprised to see Lexie, her ash-blonde hair short and elegant in constructed waves that made her appear much younger than she was. It had struck Lexie when she’d seen Joan at the shop that she’d changed very little from the second mother Lexie remembered from her childhood. A wave of shame and regret crashed over Lexie, whipping the air from her lungs, leaving her desperate to be collected into one of Joan’s legendary hugs that had always had the power to make her feel better.

  Instead she shifted where she stood and tried to smile. “Hi, Joan.”

  “Alexis,” Joan replied. “Riley said you might visit, but I have to admit, I’m surprised to see you.” There was a curtness to her tone, but her face was all motherly love.

  Lexie nodded. “Is it all right if I come in? I won’t stay long.”

  Joan regarded her for a brief moment before she stood back and gestured for Lexie to enter. The house smelled exactly the same. Exactly. It was the fragrance of long childhood summers, stormy nights, baking, and boys. As she looked around at the clean floors and spotless carpeted staircase, Lexie recollected how she’d always marveled at the fact that, even with four sons, Joan managed to keep her house looking immaculate.

  “Come in,” Joan offered, making her way past Lexie and down the hallway that was littered with photographs of Riley and his brothers through the years, toward the kitchen. “I just poured some juice. Would you like some?”

  “Yes, please,” Lexie replied, her throat dry and scratchy. She hovered at the kitchen doorway, noting that the large French windows were open, allowing a soft breeze to flow through. She took the orange juice she was offered and clutched the glass. “The house looks great.”

  Joan looked around herself. “Park keeps telling me that we’ll have an addition and the kitchen remodeled when he retires.” She sipped her juice. “I’m not holding my breath.”

  Lexie snickered. “It’ll take more than a heart attack to get him to retire.” Joan smiled a little. “How is he?”

  “He’s sitting outside. Come.”

  Lexie followed Joan out into the bright sunshine to see Park sitting in a wooden deck chair, juice in one hand and a Sudoku book in the other. “Who was—?” His words died in his throat when he looked up. “Lexie.”

  “Hi, Park. It’s good to see you doing so well.”

  He pulled his reading glasses from his nose. “I’m surprised to see you at all.”

  Joan coughed gently, drawing a quick look from Lexie. “I asked Riley to tell you I’d be coming over. I wanted to talk to you both.”

  He placed the Sudoku book down purposefully and sat back. Joan moved to sit in the chair next to him and gestured to the seat at Lexie’s side. “Take a seat,” she said quietly. The smile she gave Lexie was small, but it was there all the same.

  Lexie sat down, gathering herself and the small amount of courage she’d managed to find that morning, trying her best to ignore Park’s white-hot stare. He’d always been an intimidating man.

  “So,” she began, placing her juice on the ground and folding her hands together. “I wanted to come over and try and explain what’s going on.” She nibbled her bottom lip before continuing. “It’s been an emotional couple of weeks. No more than for Riley, I’m sure.”

  “Emotional?” Park asked, as though offended by her choice of words.

  Lexie cleared her throat again. “I never meant to hurt anyone,” she said honestly. “I did pick up the phone and call him.” She sighed. “It doesn’t excuse my not trying harder and it doesn’t excuse the hurt and confusion I’ve caused. I . . . know I should have been honest with everyone. I know I should have told Riley about Noah as soon as he was released from Kill. I know I should have told you two about Noah.”

  “But you didn’t,” Park uttered.

  “Park,” Joan said quietly before looking over at him. “Let her speak.”

  He harrumphed and folded his arms over his chest.

  Lexie lowered her gaze to her feet. “It’s okay. I know you’re both angry with me and I know I deserve it. I made a decision that I thought was the right one for me, for Noah. I stand by it, but that doesn’t make it right.” She sat straighter and looked directly at Riley’s parents. “I’m sorry for keeping your grandson from you.”

  Joan’s green gaze softened. She glanced at Park and sat forward, her expression earnest. “You could have come to us about anything, Alexis. You always did as a young girl.”

  It was true. Lexie remembered when she’d started her period while at the Moore house. She’d thought she was dying. Joan had been amazing, calming her down and getting her what she needed while Riley hovered and fretted and asked what was wrong. Joan had sat Riley down and explained everything to him while Lexie cleaned herself up. It was just one moment out of many where Joan had supported and looked after Lexie.

  “I’m so sorry,” Lexie whispered, her voice cracking with the memories.

  “As much as this apology is overdue,” Park said firmly, “it’s Riley that deserves it more.”

  “I know,” Lexie replied with a nod. “I promise I’ll try and make it up to him.”

  “You kept his son from him,” Park fired back. “As a father of four sons, I can tell you: that’s a hell of a lot of making up to do.”

  “Yes, sir,” Lexie offered. “I understand that. And I’ll do what I can to make Riley trust me again. But I wanted to tell you both that the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anybody, especially to hurt him.”

  “But you have,” Joan murmured, the tone of a protective mother loud and clear. “He may not show it often or even at all, but he’s devastated that he’s missed so much.”

  Lexie licked her lips and swallowed her tears back down. Crying would help nobody. “I’m sorry,” she repeated because, really, what more was there to say? It was all she had to offer and, as exhausting as it was to assure everyone that she meant it, she would keep doing it until they believed her.

  “This may be out of line for me to say,” Joan said, bringing Lexie’s head up, “but Riley loves you very much. He always has, regardless of what you’ve put each other through. And I can see that you still feel the same way for him. But I know my son, Alexis, and I can tell you it’s going to take more than you simply loving each other to fix this.”

  Despite the vise that tightened around Lexie’s heart, Joan’s words were only truth. It was going to take time. But today was another step toward building the foundations for the bridges she was desperate to create. Lexie had resigned herself to the fact that it could be a long, sometimes painful process, but she didn
’t care as long as it meant that Riley would trust her again. Joan was right; Lexie did love Riley. It was simple, really: she’d loved him for twenty-one years and that was never going to change. But that didn’t matter. What did matter was that the two most important men in her life—Noah and Riley—were happy and together. Everything else could wait.

  · · ·

  Max and Carter stared at Riley across the diner table they were seated around as if he’d stripped naked, stood on the booth seat, and shaken his shit in front of the other patrons. Riley couldn’t help but snicker as he took a huge bite out of his cheeseburger. Christ, nothing beat a New York burger.

  Max sat forward, pressing a finger to the table between them. “You’re a father? For real?”

  Riley wiped at his mouth with his napkin and nodded. “Yeah. He’s named Noah. He’s the coolest little guy I’ve ever met.”

  Max glanced at Carter, who blinked back at him. “Wow.” Max sat back and lifted a fry from his plate. “And you had no idea?” Riley shook his head.

  “Who’s the girl?” Carter asked finally.

  “Lexie,” Riley offered. “We were together for a long time when we were younger and then . . . her father died and everything went tits up, but every time I went back to Michigan, we’d hook up. The last time was my parents’ wedding anniversary. She got pregnant with Noah.”

  Max nodded, his dark eyes lighting with understanding. “She was the one you were talking about, when you were being all vague and shit about loving someone.”

  Riley smiled small. “Yeah. That was her.”

  “You still love her?” Trust Carter to go straight for the jugular when it came to questions.

  Riley exhaled and rubbed his hands down his face. “I . . . don’t know. I don’t know what I feel.” The truth was he didn’t know if he’d ever not loved Lexie. She’d just made it harder for him to show her over the years.

  Carter rubbed a finger across his brow. “I guess it makes sense. All the women you’ve been with. It could only be rebound.”

  Riley crossed his arms over his chest. “I was just trying to forget, man. Every woman I went with, I enjoyed and I treated right, but they didn’t mean anything more to me.”

  Carter nodded. “Are you happy?”

  “When I’m with Noah,” Riley began. “It’s like everything in my life finally makes sense, you know?”

  “And with the girl, with Lexie?”

  Since their day at the festival when he’d finally allowed some of his frustration and anger out, Riley had noticed a marked change in Lexie. She was cooler—no less kind and happy, but it was almost as though she’d taken a step back to allow him to breathe and find his way. “Lex and I have a lot to discuss,” Riley said thoughtfully. “A lot to rebuild. My guard is still up. I miss her, but then I always have.” He pushed the feeling of melancholy away. “But you wanna see Noah, guys. He’s just amazing. He’s so smart, and he has this lisp that just breaks your damned heart. And he loves Batman.”

  Max snorted. “He must be your son.”

  Carter shifted in his seat. “What’s it like being a dad?”

  Riley threw a fry into his mouth knowing that Carter was thinking about how he’d behaved when his wife, Kat, had thought she was pregnant when they were first married. “At first, I was terrified about what kind of father I’d make, but when I spend time with him, it just feels right. I mean, I’ve never felt anything like it.”

  Max moved so his back was against the wall rather than the back of the booth and draped his arm along its shelf. “So how will this work with them both living in Michigan?”

  Riley sat back. He knew that he and Max needed to have a conversation about the shop, but he had no idea where to start. His main priority was Noah. He wanted to get to know his son and Riley knew he couldn’t do that living full time in New York, but what was he supposed to do, move back to Michigan? It certainly sounded like a better idea than being a weekend dad, flying back and forth every five days. Either way, he knew he needed an income.

  He raised his eyebrows, pushing his plate away, suddenly not feeling hungry. “I don’t know.”

  Max seemed to sense Riley’s anxiety and leaned forward. “Look, man. Don’t worry about it right now, okay? I can hold down the fort for the next couple of months with Grace in the city working on her art project, and Paul can handle shit when I take any days off. We’re partners in this and we can figure something out.”

  Riley breathed a sigh of relief. “I appreciate that, man.” He held a fist out over the table and Max bumped it with his own.

  “It’s the least I can do,” Max offered. “You watched the place when I was away at rehab. I’ll do the same for you.”

  The weight that lifted from Riley’s shoulders was awesome. He knew that he’d have to make a decision eventually, but having a bit more time allowed him to breathe a little easier. The three of them hung out for a few more hours, catching up and cutting loose, before Riley headed back to his apartment. It had been a strange experience walking into the place that afternoon. The summer heat of the day had poured through the apartment windows, but it still felt cold, as though it was missing something.

  He had a quick shower, then checked the time, knowing that Noah went to bed before seven, and dialed Lexie’s number.

  He heard Lexie’s voice first. “Hold the phone carefully.”

  “Riley?”

  Riley’s heart expanded at the sound of Noah’s voice. “Hey, man! How’re you?”

  “Good. Is yous in New Yorks now?”

  “I am.”

  “Whats can you sees?”

  “Well, I’m lying on my sofa right now, but if I looked out of my window I would see a busy street and the Empire State Building in the distance.”

  “Likes Spider-Man!”

  Riley chuckled. He couldn’t begrudge the kid for liking Spider-Man. “Yeah, like Spider-Man.”

  Noah was quiet for a brief moment. “Whens you coming back?”

  Riley’s stomach tightened in a way he’d never felt before. The small voice at the end of the phone caused an ache inside of him that was alien and unnerving. “I’ll be back in a few days.”

  Noah hummed. “And we can play?”

  “Sure, buddy. Whatever you’d like to do, we’ll do.”

  “Okay. Comes back soon. ’Bye.”

  “ ’Bye, Noah. Be good for your mom, okay?”

  “Yeah!”

  Riley grinned as he heard the phone being moved around.

  “Riley?”

  “Hey, Lex.”

  “His face lit up.”

  “Mine too.”

  “Good.” The silence between them was like taking a bullet. He hated the distance between them—geographical and emotional. “Are you still able to come back this weekend?”

  “Yeah.”

  They both stayed silent for a couple of beats before Lexie broke the silence first. “I can’t wait.”

  Longing curled in Riley’s belly. “Me too.”

  · · ·

  The next few days dragged, despite how busy Riley was at O’Hare’s. Max slapped papers on his desk filled with numbers for Riley to organize and look through, which he did quickly and efficiently. Steph, the receptionist Riley had banged during her first week, fluttered her lashes and smiled at him in the way she always had despite him always being clear about where they both stood. She was harmless, and Riley flirted back because, why not? But he couldn’t ignore the unfamiliar sensation that clung to him now whenever they spoke or when Carla texted him asking to meet.

  God only knew what the hell was going to happen between him and Lexie at this point. Nevertheless, he knew he had to keep his life as simple as possible. He sent Carla a polite text back telling her that he probably wouldn’t be in touch for a while, but thanks for the awesome times. She didn’t reply and that was fine.

  He spoke to Noah every night before the kid went to bed and they made plans to go to the zoo when Riley returned to Michigan. Wanting to s
poil Noah and make up for his absence, Riley went to the small tourist store across from the car shop and bought his son a foot-high replica of the Empire State Building and, as much as it killed the DC fan within him, a picture of Spider-Man swinging from the Statue of Liberty. He did his best to get the paperwork at the shop in good order before he left again, knowing, realistically, he wouldn’t be back for at least a week. Max assured him a million and one times that he’d call if there were any issues and, fuck me, man, I have done this before!

  Joan was at the airport waiting for Riley when he arrived back in Traverse City the following afternoon. It was another hot day, and the breeze from the water was more than welcome. Back at his parents’ house, Riley put his bag in his room and joined his mom and dad in the backyard. He was pleased to see his father sitting in his usual chair, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. Joan passed Riley a glass of juice, patting his back gently.

  “Did you get everything sorted in the city?” Joan asked, despite having asked the same question in the car on the journey from the airport. Riley knew what she was doing; she was trying to get Riley and his father talking. During his time at home, Riley and Park had spoken only a handful of occasions without outside influences like Tate or Joan.

  “Things are good. The place is doing really well,” Riley offered, glancing surreptitiously at his father.

  “That’s great, son,” Joan said. “Isn’t it, Park?”

  Park grunted and sipped his juice. He looked so much better than he had when he’d first come out of the hospital. He had more color and appeared to have regained his broad shoulders. Riley was sure that it was only because Park could sit up properly now, but it was reassuring all the same.

  “I’m taking Noah to the zoo tomorrow,” Riley said in an attempt to change the subject. “Just the two of us.” Riley had been shocked as all hell when Lexie said she’d leave them to spend the day together. He was nervous, but so damned excited.

  Joan grinned, and Riley saw a small twitch at the corner of Park’s mouth. “That’s fantastic, Riley,” his mother cooed. “Maybe I can see him before you go? Lexie came over while you were in New York.”