Shattered Dreams

by Rebecca Barber

  “Most beautiful woman in the world, huh?” Her blush was adorable. I loved the idea that even though Maggie had grown and changed into this new, confident woman, I was fucking stoked that she hadn’t completely disregarded who she once was. I could still make her blush and moan and smile. Something I was over the fucking moon about.

  “Most beautiful woman on the planet,” I reaffirmed.

  “What about Scarlett Johansson?”

  Without missing a beat, I answered automatically. “A distant second.” It must have been the right answer because it earned me a hug so tight that I knew I’d be smelling Maggie on my skin for days to come. Something I definitely wasn’t complaining about.

  “Okay, temptress. Back over your side so I can come and open your door.” With her bottom lip poking out, Maggie scrambled off me, inadvertently digging her elbow too close for comfort to my already aching blue balls.

  Climbing out of the car, I adjusted myself the best I could while I tried to think of anything to help get the situation in my jeans under control. It’d been years since I’d walked around tenting my pants, and it wasn’t something I’d recommend.

  When I opened Maggie’s door, her eyes fell directly on my crotch, and I couldn’t help but to groan. When she licked her lips, I changed my mind. Almost. Instead of acting on it, I held firm to the last of my willpower that was fading fast. Sticking my hand out, Maggie accepted and stepped out of the car. Just as I’d told her I would, I walked her to the door in silence. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Not tonight anyway.

  “I’ll call you in the morning,” I promised as I kissed her lips tasting the strawberry gloss she’d just put on.

  “Okay.”

  “Maybe this time you could answer my call?”

  With a wink and a sly smile, Maggie moved away from me and pushed open the unlocked door. “If you’re lucky.” Leaving me hanging, she was gone.

  Wanting to curse the world, I stumbled back to my car and drove home, more hopeful than I should’ve been. Tomorrow was another day. Winning Maggie back, wooing her, it wasn’t a sprint. It was a god damn marathon. One I was determined, now more than ever, I was going to win. And with the scent of her perfume lingering on my skin and the taste of her on my lips, I knew I was still in the race. She hadn’t sidelined me. Not yet anyway.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  MAGGIE

  “Drink your latte and stop your whinging!” Kristie bossed, thrusting a large paper cup into my hand.

  When I’d woken up this morning, although Drew’s words kept replaying in my mind, I wasn’t ready to give in. The moment I’d crawled under the warm blankets of my childhood bed, my thoughts turned extremely adult. For hours I’d laid there in the dark replaying over and over again the way Drew’s kiss stole my breath. The way his touch boiled my blood. The way his words wrapped themselves around my heart and started to give me hope.

  Even though I wanted nothing more than to curl up in Drew’s arms and spend the day between the sheets, the new and improved Maggie wasn’t so ready to give in. I was caught in this crazy tug-o-war between my head and my heart. It would’ve been so easy to ignore common sense and follow my heart straight back into Drew’s awaiting arms.

  “So where are we starting this morning?”

  I’d recruited Kristie to help me find an apartment. When my overworked, weary brain demanded coffee, I’d dragged my tired arse into the kitchen and poured my first cup. While I’d sat there enjoying the quiet, I clicked through rental listings on my phone. To say the real estate market was depressing was an understatement.

  I wasn’t looking for a penthouse apartment with water views in the most prestigious suburb for peanuts but what was out there, wasn’t helping my mood. Everything was either ridiculously over priced for what it was, or it was disgusting. Finding a half-decent place to live was starting to feel like it was going to be an extremely painful process.

  Somehow, I managed to narrow it down to four. Truthfully, none of them excited me. One, actually scared me. It was in a shady part of town overlooking a seedy alley, but it was in my price range and sadly, wasn’t the worst that was out there. But there was no way I was going in alone.

  So, I recruited Kristie, and by recruited, I mean I’d woken her up with the promise of cocktails and tapas. When, two hours later, she pulled up out the front carrying coffee and pastries, she became my favourite person in the world.

  Sitting at the kitchen table with my mum and Kristie, they dragged everything out of me. My whole, sad story. I confessed everything. At one point Mum cried. Devastated for what I’d been through, what Drew and I had been through, and I was pretty sure a large part of her was truly disappointed that I’d kept so many secrets from her.

  I felt like shit.

  I felt guilty and like everything I’d done, all the decisions I’d made were wrong. At the time, I had a reason. One I whole-heartedly believed in, but hindsight was a bitch. And she was kicking me in the arse right now.

  “Maggie, you’re incredible.”

  “Why?” It wasn’t uncommon for Kristie to completely confuse and bewilder me. Today wasn’t proving to be anything different.

  “You survived all that. And by yourself.”

  “I wasn’t exactly by myself. I mean, I had Drew.” Drew and I might have been a mess right now, but it was my mess. I wasn’t about to throw him under the bus to my mother and my best friend. If we managed to dig our way out of it and rebuild a future, our future, I needed Mum and Kristie standing behind me cheering me all the way. The last thing I needed was for them to be angry or frustrated or disappointed in Drew. This wasn’t his fault. Not entirely.

  “We know, Maggie,” Mum added, calming the situation.

  “I’m in awe of you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond pissed at you for keeping this to yourself. You know I would’ve helped you, in any way you needed me to, but you didn’t give me the chance.”

  “And I’m sorry for that. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell you.”

  “Why? Why couldn’t you tell me, Maggie?” Mum’s voice was laced with hurt. The best thing about her though was even though I’d let her down, she’d never give up on me.

  I could feel the emotions bubbling up inside me, threatening to drown me. Even though I was resolute, and I knew why, how the hell did I explain it? How did I convince them? That it wasn’t about them, not really. It was about protecting me. Protecting me from that pity-filled look that had me running scared.

  “I… I just couldn’t.”

  “Did you think we wouldn’t understand? Or we’d try to talk you out of it?” Kristie probed.

  “Not at all.” I guess I didn’t have a choice. They were pushing and it looked like I couldn’t dodge their questions. I was under the microscope and melting under the pressure.

  “Then why, sweetheart?”

  “We didn’t tell anyone in case it didn’t work. I couldn’t cope if people looked at me knowing I’d failed. That I’d let everyone down. That there was something wrong with me.”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “Is what what I think?”

  “That you’re faulty. That there’s something wrong with you.” Kristie had stood up and was pacing back and forth across the kitchen, hands on her hips, disbelief on her face.

  “Well… um…”

  “Sweetheart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect, just the way you are.”

  “Mum!”

  “No, Maggie Elizabeth. You need to stop and listen to me and actually hear what I’m saying. Just because you can’t have kids, just because you’re not going to be a mother at least biologically, it does NOT make you any less of a person. You’re smart. You’re kind. You love with your whole heart, even if it sometimes hurts you. And you feel more and harder than anyone I’ve ever met. Not being a mum does not define you. You define you. And you can be whatever you want to be, you just need to decide what that is. And you better remember that, no matter what y
ou choose, I’m always going to be on your side. Without question. Always.”

  “Me too. Even if I want to slap you right now, you know I’ve always got your back. No questions.” Kristie bent down over my shoulder and hugged me tight, squeezing the tears from my eyes.

  When the pastries were gone and I’d answered every single one of their questions, questions that kept coming like rapid fire, I begged off and dashed out and got changed. Our first inspection was in an hour and I needed to psyche myself up. I needed to push aside the unanswered questions buzzing around my head and instead focused on finding somewhere to give me the fresh start I was more than ready for.

  Stepping inside the first apartment was like stepping back in time. A long, long time ago. It wasn’t bad per se, I mean it was liveable, but I couldn’t remember where I’d packed my lava lamp and flares. Or if I even owned a pair. The moment you pushed through the front door; the kitchen caught my eye. There was no way I could miss it. I think you could actually see it from space.

  “Wow!” Kristie exclaimed behind me as I elbowed her, trying to get her to keep her opinion to herself. One of the things Kristie lacked was diplomacy. If she thought something, she said it. Right now, it wasn’t appropriate. Even if I actually agreed.

  The bench top was lime green. Bright, bold lime green. The floor was black and white linoleum tiles. All that was missing was the disco balls. Part of me knew, if I ended up living here, that would be the first thing I’d be buying.

  “This is a two bedroom. The laundry is shared and on the bottom floor. There’s no lift.” Which meant it was up five flights of stairs. “And one car space.”

  “Is it allocated?”

  I was glad I’d brought Kristie with me. She was thinking about all the things I should be, but I was too busy poking my head in cupboards and looking at the bathroom with its mouldy, under the sea theme shower curtain.

  With the agent hovering, I was feeling a little claustrophobic. While she was rattling off instructions, standing there in her polyester suit, platform heels and black stockings with a run down her calf, I tuned out and just accepted the application form she was handing me expectedly. I hadn’t decided if I’d apply, but taking the form might shut her up.

  “Okay. No worries. Thank you,” I rambled as she kept thrusting papers in my hand. Thankfully, Kristie appeared at my side and helped me escape out the door.

  After we’d trudged down the stairs, I was puffed. Living here would definitely have an upside. I wouldn’t be needing that gym membership.

  “Where to next?” Kristie asked.

  While I gave directions, she navigated the streets. By the time we were turning into the street we needed to be on, we’d agreed that the first place wasn’t ideal, but we weren’t completely writing it off either. Following the signs, we slowed to a crawl out the front of the apartment block, but not for long. On the kerb, there was a mountain of rubbish. A combination of mattresses, a table, a washing machine and even a couple of televisions with smashed screens.

  “You’re not staying here. We’re not even getting out.”

  I was almost about to protest, but when a woman came running around the corner, cigarette dangling from her mouth and a string of colourful language following her, I was scared I was seeing my future in all its terrifying glory.

  “Drive!”

  Two down and I was no closer to finding somewhere to live. Bring on number three. Number three was going to be a winner. It had to be. I was pinning my hopes on it being better.

  Number three wasn’t a winner. When I’d read the ad claiming to be a two-bedroom apartment in a small complex, with car parking and water views all in my price range, I wasn’t expecting much. It was cute. Cosy. Tiny in fact. I wouldn’t need much furniture. It wouldn’t fit. I doubted my bed would fit and leave room for me to walk in. As for the water views, if you stood in the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and tilted your head to the left you could just see the ocean.

  “This is pointless,” I heaved, slumping down in my seat. “Everything I can afford is crap. And the ones I can’t afford aren’t even that great.”

  “Hang in there, chicken! We’ll find you something.”

  “It just sucks. It all sucks.”

  “I know, sweetie. There’s no rush, you know? You can crash on my couch or stay with your Mum…”

  “Let’s just check out this next one then get lunch. I feel like fried chicken is in my future.”

  “And chips?”

  “Is there any other way to eat fried chicken?”

  “Hell no!” With a quick high five we were off with a screech of the tyres. Women on a mission.

  DREW

  I hated what I was about to do.

  I really did.

  Not enough to change my mind and take the high road, though.

  I still had no idea how I’d managed to convince June to join my side but I wasn’t stupid enough to look a gift horse in the mouth.

  I’d been friends with Glen since before Maggie had started working for him four years ago. We’d actually met when we were just out of nappies. To say we’d pretty much grown up together would be downplaying it. For a few years we’d drifted apart while we’d each chased our destiny and went to university. When Maggie got the job, one she was super excited about, I’d had her back. I always did. At the first company dinner we’d attended together, Maggie was seated at the worker end of the table, surrounded by people she admired, aspired to and who inspired her. Twenty minutes into our dinner and I was already bored. The headache forming behind my eyes was a direct result from Alicia’s high-pitched screeching which was trying to pass off as laughter.

  When I stood up and made my way to the bar, the guy standing next to me in the tweed jacket turned to me and over some cheap bourbon our friendship kicked off right from where we’d left it. Since then, Glen had become one of my best mates. Once a month we headed to the driving range to shoot the shit and pretend we were golf’s next superstars. Of course, we were absolute shit, but we never let that derail our grand plans or ridiculous dreams. The only stipulation we put on our reinvigorated friendship was we didn’t talk about Maggie’s job or career or even where it could go. I deliberately tried to avoid being involved. It was easier for her. That way she could be sure I wasn’t interfering and any successes she had were hers and hers alone.

  And I hadn’t.

  Not once.

  Not until now anyway.

  Popping the cap off my beer, I pulled up his contact and called.

  “Wanker!” Glen answered the phone.

  “Arsewipe.”

  “It’s Friday afternoon. Unless you’re calling me from a pub somewhere, fuck off.”

  With friends like these, really, who needed enemies? “I fuckin’ wish. You busy?”

  “Depends.”

  “Meet me at the Muddy Duck in an hour?”

  “It’s barely two!”

  “So?”

  “So, what if I had work to do? Some of us are important you know.”

  “Yeah, some people are. Good thing you’re not one of them.”

  “Anyone ever tell you you’re a real shit head?”

  “Not recently.”

  “Well then…”

  “Muddy Duck in an hour.” I hung up before he had a chance to keep bitching. Despite his whining, I knew he’d be there. We might give each other shit pretty much all the time, but he’d never let me down. And that’s what I was betting on.

  With things in motion, I text Maggie and asked if she was free for dinner. I looked desperate. I knew it but I couldn’t give a shit. This was one game I had to win. Failure was not an option. There was too much on the line. After getting cleaned up, I headed down to the car. Backing out of the driveway, my phone chirped. Maggie had turned down my offer of dinner. Pissed off, I bit my tongue. The only thing stopping me from begging was to toss my phone on the back seat out of reach.

  I wasn’t really angry with Maggie. I was angry at myself. At the situation.
A situation I’d created. One I was desperate to make right sooner rather than later. So, I was doing whatever was necessary. At least that’s what I told myself as I parked. After a few deep breaths, I bent over the seat and found my phone from where it’d slid under the seat. Seeing Maggie had sent another message made me glad I hadn’t heard it come through. I probably would’ve ploughed into a skip bin on the side of the road trying to read it.

  Maggie: Can I stop by tomorrow afternoon? I need to grab some more clothes

  Drew: Stop by whenever you want. It’s your home

  Silencing my phone, I stuffed it in my pocket and headed inside. I was already on my second beer and basket of nachos when Glen decided to grace me with his presence.

  I stood to greet him, extending my hand for him to shake. Instead, Glen being Glen, he wrapped me in one of those awkward, side bro hugs and cheered, “Arsehole!”

  “About time you showed up,” I retorted, thumping him back and flopping back down into the booth.

  After he stole a corn chip weighed down with guacamole and cheese and crunched down, he headed to the bar, ordering himself a drink.

  “So, you ready to tell me what’s twisted your panties into a giant wad that has you summoning me down here at, quarter past three on a Friday afternoon?”

  “As if you do anything on a Friday afternoon anyway.”

  “Hey! I’m always doing something.”

  “Or someone.”

  “Jealous?”

  “Never!”

  “So, what’s going on?”

  For the next twenty minutes I spilt my guts. I didn’t leave anything out. Glen sat there, stunned. By the time I was done, I was completely drained. I didn’t realise how exhausting it would be to lay it all out there. I guess when you compress everything into a twenty-minute spiel, that’s a lot. I needed a drink. And I needed a strong one.

  “Holy shit! How did I not know any of this?”

  “I wasn’t going to tell anyone.”