He was a gentle lover, but he didn’t kiss much. That was it. Dexter was fucking the shit out of me and he was taking me for granted. I was missing the passion. I wanted that heated passion that made you tear clothes off and have sex in unusual places. I wanted the newness of a man wanting me, kissing me all over my body, across my face, sucking my nipples, and licking me down my stomach. I wanted him to tenderly spread my legs and kiss and suck on my clit. Yeah, that shit felt good. But it only felt good when the man liked going down on a woman. Dexter did it once and it was humiliating to him. He was licking it, but I could tell he was having a hard time. Eating pussy, as they say, was certainly not his forte, but he was doing it for me. But you should never do something that you are uncomfortable doing, because that could lead to some problems.
Since he didn’t eat pussy, I didn’t suck dick. It had been like that for years. Then I heard about all these young teenagers eating pussy and sucking dick, because the girls don’t want to get pregnant. Hell, they were doing more than I was in the bedroom, and I was married and grown. That shit wasn’t right and you know it definitely wasn’t fair. These kids needed to have their little asses in class, trying to learn and get their minds out of the gutter. They needed to leave that gutter shit to us adults and get their education.
So I ask you this question: what was a forty-year-old, still highly sexual, beautiful, but somewhat overweight woman to do when her husband wouldn’t talk to her and would not suck her pussy? Well, that’s an easy answer. She should have gone and found someone who would give her what she wanted and then take her ass back home. But this sister was too scared.
I had been taught that I had to remain faithful and committed or I would surely burn in hell if I had sex with another man while I was married. But I was going to burn anyway, because I was lusting daily for this man. I had been praying and crying, but I was getting no answers.
I knew what some people would think if they knew: why was this heifer praying when all she thought about was fucking? But sinners need help too. I wouldn’t have minded fucking him and marrying him, too, but we both were already married to other people. So I settled for fucking him once, but when I told Zandra, she freaked.
“Zandra, I really like this man.”
“Leave that shit alone. That could be a lot of trouble and getting that dick ain’t worth it.”
“I want more than his dick. I like him,” I muttered.
“Let it go. You got a good man. You don’t need to fuck that up.”
“Who said I was trying to fuck my marriage up? I just want to try another man. Hell, I’ve only been with two in my life.”
“Well, you should have thought about that shit before you got married. You are married. Tell your man what you need.”
“And when he doesn’t give me what I need, then what?”
“Keep asking.”
“Hell, I’m not begging anybody to give me what I need. I asked him, and he said, ‘No. I’m happy with our sex life.’ Besides, why should I suffer?”
“Girl, whatever your ass decides to do, just be careful. Don’t tell anyone if you mess around. Not even me!”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because you can’t trust anyone. You have too much to lose.”
“I can’t do anything that he won’t allow me to do with him. He hasn’t made a pass at me.”
“Let that shit go, girl, before you get hurt. You are not a street girl, you don’t know how to play. Let it go.”
“I can’t.”
I struggled with my feelings. I wanted this man because he talked to me. He showed an interest in my work. He stimulated me. He made me feel sexy. I loved my husband, but he made me feel sad. Alone. Unloved.
What would you do? Would you just lie down and play dead or would you try your hand at feeling loved again?
I wanted to feel that. I wanted to see a man become excited when I walked through the door. I wanted him to grab me, kiss me thoroughly, and tear my underwear completely off, while simultaneously sliding his finger in and out of my hot, steamy pussy. So why should I have settled for dry, dead emotions when I could have had fire, heat, and steam? Wasn’t that what we all wanted?
In my opinion, I didn’t believe this life was for living unhappily. I thought we had to seek what made us happy, even when it hurt others. Must I live in this world desperately wanting to be held, touched, and needed? Should I lay in the bed, begging my husband to do what I need him to do to make me feel stimulated, by forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do? Must he give up his own comfort level and perform an act he thinks is gross? Or would it make much more sense to find what I needed to make me happy?
A prudent person would agree that Dexter should have done whatever it took to make me happy, right? But how many men try to actually please their women or make them truly happy? Sure, Dexter was a good father and an excellent provider, but he was not a freak. He was a mild-mannered man, who was not into anything he thought was abnormal. So I suffered. I suffered because I was too scared to find happiness. So I sat in my world and fantasized about what would really make me happy.
You know what? Travis made me happy even though he was not supposed to. He was supposed to make his wife happy. Did she need what I needed and was not getting it? Was she going through the same thing I was going through? Or did she lie in her bed at night, dreaming and fantasizing about another man? One who stimulated her and would give her what she needed to feel alive. Or was Travis sexing her so much she wished he would feed off someone else?
All too often, I realized the grass sometimes seemed greener on the other side. I knew some of these men walked around, looking good and acting like they were tender and loving, but were motherfucking hell raisers when they were with their families. They showed us compassion and made us feel like we had to have them. Some of us went all the way, sleeping with other women’s husbands, not intentionally to make them unhappy, but to get that one ounce of happiness that we continued to look for in familiar places.
I knew these men were probably at home, pissing on the toilet and leaving the seat up. I knew they were sitting on the couch, watching sports and screaming for a beer while farting all over the place. Additionally, they were probably clipping their big-ass toenails and popping them all over. But as long as I didn’t see that shit, I could dream and think they were sexy, fine, and smart. I would continue to think that Travis had more positive attributes than Dexter, because I couldn’t see Travis’s faults.
Chapter 5
The Bitch in Me
Last night when I went to bed, I waited until Dexter decided to join me before turning off the television. I was looking at one of my favorite television shows, Law & Order. I could look at that show every day of the week and still not get bored. I waited until Dexter finished cutting his hair because I was horny and I wanted that dick. It was a long Sunday. I had spent too much time sitting around thinking about Travis. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about this man. I could feel him sucking my breasts and kissing me. Most of the day, my panties were sticking to me because I was wet from my body automatically lubricating itself. My mind was glued to Travis sexing me. I could feel his hands playing with my clit. I wasn’t crazy. I just wanted him.
When Dexter entered the bed, I grabbed his ass and began playing with his dick. I even decided to give him a little head. As I sucked and slurped he put his hand on top of my head and tried to control my movements. “Oh, baby, what the hell are you doing? This feels so good.”
He was so excited, he almost climaxed too soon. But I helped him slow down his rhythm. I knew he was shocked and, truth be told, this was a once-in-a-lifetime gift and he would not experience my mouth on his dick again anytime soon. If he didn’t kiss mine, I would never kiss his again and that shit you could count on. So I tried to make him go crazy and I succeeded. His dick was so hard when he entered me I started screaming from the minute he was inside of me. Shit was feeling good. He was moving in and
out, up and down in me, and we were both going crazy with desire. But I still didn’t get my pussy sucked.
I also knew that Travis started that shit because it was really him I wanted. All that passion that came from deep inside my heart was for another man. I had to have him. I was going to burst with emotion and lust unless that man gave me his body. I wasn’t sure if I just wanted him to fuck me or if I wanted him to love me. This shit was becoming more and more cloudy.
When I awoke Monday morning, I was in a foul mood. I decided to wear my black wool two-piece sweater suit to face this cold October morning. I also grabbed a pair of black boots. I had to take pictures of my shoes and put them on the front of their boxes, so I would know which pair was in each box. I loved shoes, and I purchased so many in the same color from the same shoe store. I had to figure out a way to identify each pair before going through so many boxes and wasting my time and energy by picking the wrong shoes.
My girlfriend, Pamela, swore that when I wore the color black and boots I was feeling blue. She said that in theory I was setting myself up to kick ass. I wasn’t sure where she got her theory, but she swore that when I wore that combination, heads would roll.
When I strutted into the office, the first person I saw was Travis. He smiled and stared straight at me.
“Malika, you look nice today.”
“Thank you,” I said as my blood rushed to my cheeks. What was I going to do with this man? Must I cancel his contract to stop my heart from pining for him? Then again, why should he lose part of his income because of my weakness for him? Even though he was here in this office on legitimate business, I couldn’t stop my desires. I was fantasizing more each passing day. This was getting unhealthy. I guessed I was going to have to call my mama again and tell her my heart was betraying me.
Travis grabbed my briefcase and walked me into my office. From the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah at her desk. She was slamming stuff around and she snapped at Frances as she created a lot of noise. Her actions reflected someone who was upset. She had a little time with him before I arrived and now she was pissed because I had made my grand entrance.
She strutted to my office. “Malika, Samantha called you this morning.”
After I thanked her, she stood in my doorway, staring at Travis. This girl acted worse than I did. She was more struck by love than I was. She was looking at him like he was a barbequed rib. I interrupted that dreamy look in her eye by saying, “You can leave now.”
“Are you in a bad mood today?” she inquired.
“Excuse me?”
“You walked in this morning with your lips poked out and your heels slamming against the hardwood floor as if you were angry. I’m not trying to make you mad, but I can tell you seem out of sorts.”
By now I was steaming. I could see that Travis was stunned by this conversation. I felt disrespected. I felt like striking her. No, I felt like kicking her in her pussy with the pointed toe of my boot, because she was acting like one. But I had to remain calm and professional. I could not allow her to make me look like an ass in front of the man I adored. So I did what I knew how to do well. I asked her, “Did you complete the report that I requested on Friday?”
“I am working on it today.”
“I need it by ten, so I really don’t have time to argue with you this morning.”
She stuck her skinny leg out and smiled. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you and Travis. I will get right on the report.”
She turned and walked her funny-shaped ass out of my office. I’m the fucking boss and this bitch had the audacity to walk her ass into my office and confront me. The more I thought about that shit, the madder I became. “Travis, I’ll be right back.” I walked to Sarah’s office and closed the door.
“Look, you trifling bitch,” I began, “I have had all that I am going to take from you. The next time you walk your black ass into my office and question me, I will fire your ass. Who in the fuck do you think you are? You have one more time and your ass is mine.”
“You are just jealous of me,” she replied. “I can’t believe you cursed me out. I’m calling headquarters on you.”
I picked up the phone and told her I would dial the number. “I didn’t curse your ass out. You can’t complete the assignments that I give you. This is the fifth report that I have asked you for, and I gave you timelines to have them written and completed and each time, you failed. You will get a written warning from me today and the next time you walk your unprofessional, uneducated, wanna-be ass into my office and disrespect me, consider yourself terminated.”
I turned to walk out of her office and suddenly turned around. “Jealous of you, why? You don’t have shit on me, bitch.”
Swinging the door open with force brought a shift of wind in the room and that shit felt good. Yes, it was bold and unprofessional. I knew she wasn’t going to hit me, because if she did I would have had her arrested. I was smart enough to curse her out without witnesses. I also would never risk my professional career by hitting someone. I was willing to allow her to hit me because I would press charges and fire her. She knew I was not afraid of her, but she hated me with a passion and was willing to make my life miserable, because she thought I couldn’t get rid of her. I also knew she wasn’t taping the conversation, because the whole interaction wasn’t planned and she didn’t have time to do anything.
I walked out of her office and almost bumped into Felicia.
“Good morning, Malika, I didn’t know that you were in. You had two calls this morning,” she said while handing me my messages.
“Thank you. Please hold my calls, I will be in a meeting.”
“Okay. After your meeting, I would like to talk to you about one of my clients.”
“I will see you after I meet with Travis about the computers.”
I walked back into my office and pulled the door closed. “Travis, I can’t believe Sarah.”
“I’m not trying to tell you how to run your office, but you may want to consider firing that girl. She constantly disrespects you and you don’t have to take that.”
“I know, but I am trying to do it as professionally as possible. I cannot make a mistake. I want to make sure that she doesn’t have legal ground to stand on.”
“I don’t think she does.”
“If I do this right, she won’t be able to waste my time in court. She is so lawsuit happy. All she talks about is suing people. Right now, I have enough documentation to get rid of her. But I have to go through the steps to make sure it sticks. I have one more step before I fire her. I’m sure she is very close to doing something, so I can let her go.”
“I trust your judgment. I just don’t want anything to happen to you. These women are so treacherous these days. Be careful, okay?”
“I will.”
“Hey, I care about you and the actions of Sarah are irritating to say the least. I’m used to women throwing themselves at me, but her actions are different. It’s as if she knows that I am interested in someone else and she is trying to thwart us from coming together.”
Okay. Let’s analyze this shit. Did he just say what I think? Did this man like me or what? Was he playing with my emotions or did he really care what happened to me? I was even more confused. He always listened to me and he was concerned about my life, unlike Dexter who always said he didn’t want to hear that shit about my workers. But Travis and I could discuss anything.
This woman, Sarah, really despised me. I had never done anything to hurt her. In fact, I let her get away with too much. She had left work undone. I had received complaints from her clients about the way she responded to their needs. I had sat with her to help her work on her files to assure the information was accurate and placed in the right places. I had given her time off to tend to the needs of her six babies. Yes, she was the prime example of a welfare mom; someone tried to help her and this was how she repaid her.
I didn’t think I was better than anyone. I would give my last to help someone in need, but I had one pet pe
eve. I hated it when I tried to help someone achieve at a higher level and they repaid me by being a total ass. How many people do you think would take this much mouth from a person they had tried to inspire to achieve? Not many. As a matter of fact, with her mouth and innuendos, she wouldn’t have lasted this long anywhere else. But I was too nice. I cared too much. Not this time. I had a reputation to uphold, plus she was after the same man I wanted. This was war!
Chapter 6
A Cry for Help
“Mama, what are you doing?”
“I’m watching The Young and the Restless. You know this is what I do every day at four o’clock.”
“I don’t want to interrupt your television show, so I’ll call you back later.”
“What is it, Malika?”
“I need to talk to you about Dexter. What am I going to do? I am unhappy in my marriage.”
“You have a good husband. Talk to him about your needs. I’m sure he will listen and do what he has to do to please you.”
“You have it all wrong. You know what, he is a good provider, but I can find that somewhere else. He is not the only one who can provide. I take care of myself. I work every day. I am sick and tired of trying to talk to him. I want a man who respects me and cares about my life. I would like for him to treat me like Travis, the man I told you about from my job. He’s the one with the crush on me who I enjoy talking to.”
“Like you, he is married too. Nothing good can come out of the two of you spending so much time together. You need to work on your marriage.”
“I don’t want to work on it,” I responded. “I’m doing all the work now to no avail. Mama, why can’t I see Travis? You know I like him.”
“That’s the problem. You like him too much. He is not your husband. You are not that kind of person. Your sister is, but not you. I can’t see you risking everything for a romp in the hay.”
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