Trials (Rock Bottom)

by Sarah Biermann

“I didn’t use the heroin…but I wanted to. I kept it with me and hidden in my room. It comforted me just to know it was there. But I couldn’t bear to use it because that would mean that I wasn’t worthy of you. It would mean that I could never be worthy of you. But I realized that, as much as I love you, you are a major trigger for me.”

  My eyes widen. We’re silent as I process that information. “I am?”

  He nods. “You are. In a big way. And I knew that I couldn’t have any kind of relationship with you until I got my addiction completely under control. Until I learned how to deal with my emotional issues without drugs. Emotions are kind of new to me. I used to use so I couldn’t feel them because, well, when I was a kid they were never very fun for me.”

  “Why didn’t you just tell me?” I demand. “I was in so much pain, thinking you just left me because I didn’t mean anything to you.”

  He sighs. “In a way, it’s almost right that you saw it that way. I was a coward about it and assumed you would make it hard for me to do what I felt I needed to do. I knew if our relationship continued the way it was, this weird friendship yet non-friendship, I would use again. I did what I thought was right for myself and not for you. After a little while I realized what I had done wasn’t right. And when I was ready to come back to you it had been so long that I didn’t know where to begin. I went on your profile and saw that you were in a relationship with Scott. You guys look so happy in your pictures.” He squeezeshis eyes shut tightly. “I figured you had moved on. And I was so fucking pissed. I was pissed at you, at myself, at Scott…everyone I sank into this deep depression… I slept all the time, only woke to perform, I slept around… But, I could never bring myself to do the drugs again, because that’s what drove you away from me.”

  He opens his eyes and lets a tear fall. “Even after I started sleeping around I couldn’t get you out of my head. Every time I looked at them I saw you, Dylan. My life, my mind…even my music is consumed by you. I treated you like shit when we were together. I used your love for me like a weapon. I threatened to leave you all the time for just wanting to help me. I’ve learned since then what real love is. Now that I know how to love you the right way, it’s too late. I’ll never forgive myself.”

  I feel dizzy. All I can do is sit there like an idiot. He’s telling me the words I wanted to hear for so long but never expected in a million years. I stand up and smooth out my blouse, staring at the floor. “I have to go…”

  I turn and start walking away. “That’s it?” Jeremy croaks.

  I stop and turn towards him. “I don’t know what to do with that information, Jeremy. I have a good man who stuck with me and cleaned up the mess you left. Not to mention you’re a suspect in a murder.”

  “I didn’t do it…” he growls.

  My eyes soften. “Seventeen, Jeremy? How could you?”

  He runs his hand through his hair, obviously embarrassed. “I mean, you saw the girl. She didn’t look seventeen at all. She must have had a damn good fake ID.”

  I roll my eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t climb in bed with everyone who walks by you.” My jealousy is burning in my stomach.

  “That isn’t fair.”

  “Did you give her the heroin, Jeremy? Did you?”

  “No!” he says, appalled. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

  “Listen, my mind is racing and I don’t know how to make heads or tails of this. I’m just going to call a cab and I’ll see you tomorrow at the office.”

  I turn to hear Jeremy sigh. “Just wait on the stairs out back. Rich will take you to your car.”

  “Okay,” I mumble, opening the door and shutting it as I run down the stairs.

  I finally reach the landing of the cement stairway outside and stand there. I’m not sure what car Rich will be driving so I don’t even know what to look for. The longer I stand there alone, the harder it is to stop myself from turning around and running back upstairs to Jeremy.

  A white car speeds into the parking lot and stops in front of the stairway. I see Rich sitting in the driver’s seat before he’s able to get out of the car. I can’t help my tears from spilling over now. I desperately missed him. I hadn’t realized how important he had become to me.

  “Rich!” I yell and run to him after he stands from his seat. I catch his wide smile before he opens his arms and I fall into them.

  “Miss Dylan. Nice hair,” he says, squeezing me tightly.

  “I missed you, Rich.”

  “I missed you, too.”

  He releases me and we walk around to the other side of the car. He opens the door for me like old times. I smile at him before I sit and he closes the door.

  He gets in the driver’s side and begins to drive away from the building. We sit in awkward silence for a moment.

  “Rich,” I say, breaking the silence. “Do you think he’s innocent?”

  “Of course. I know he is. And I’m not going to rest until it’s proven.”

  I nod, even though he can’t see me. “You really love him,” I state.

  Rich sighs. “He’s been so different without you, Ms. Dylan,” Rich says.

  I sigh. “What do you want me to do, Rich? He left me without any explanation. I moved on. I’m in love with someone else.”

  Rich pauses. “With all due respect, Ms. Dylan…I don’t think you were meant to break up in the first place.”

  “Do you think you were meant to break up?” Dr. Spritz asks me. I’m sitting in her office for my standard weekly meeting. I am so grateful I get to see her today. After everything that happened in the last 24 hours, I need to get my head on straight. Especially so I can be prepared for tomorrow.

  I consider her question. “I think so. I mean, we were slowly becoming destructive towards one another. And, we had to work out our problems on our own.”

  She nods. “Some people believe it’s better to stay together and work out their problems as a couple. They say it makes you grow together and helps you learn how to overcome hardships.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know that would have worked for us.”

  She pauses to let me reflect. It makes me think about the time leading up to our breakup. The way we had come together to get him through detox; that was amazing. I think, in a way, we were stronger for it. But, then there were the trust issues. Although, was that really fair of me? I mean, did I give him enough of a chance to prove he could stay clean?

  “But right or wrong, you did break up,” Dr. Spritz interrupts my thoughts. “Did you truly believe it was a break and not a breakup? Did you feel you would get back together?”

  “Yes,” I say confidently. “Before he stopped talking to me, it didn’t even seem like an option that we would be apart forever.”

  “So, he’s telling you that he was wrong and he wants to be with you. What’s different now?”

  “Scott.”

  “Other than him,” Dr. Spritz continues. “Boyfriends come and go, even if you love them. You’re not engaged or married. So, is their another reason?”

  I think about it for a few moments, searching myself for what could be an underlying reason. “He scares me. He’s still this… enigma to me and I don’t know what to expect from him. I don’t understand him. How can I build a life with someone who I can’t predict?”

  She nods and smiles at me, as if she’s proud of my realization.

  I hadn’t realized I felt that way about him. But I don’t really understand anything he does. Why does he feel he needs the drugs? Why doesn’t he talk to his mother? What really happened with his Dad? How could he be so in love with me one minute and fall off the Earth the next? If I don’t understand him, then I can’t be with him. I’d live in fear our entire relationship.

  His past is a story I’ve tried to pry from him before. He’s given me pieces but never the whole story. He’s never totally let me in. If he didn’t let me in back then, I don’t ever see it happening. If he never lets anyone in, his emotions are just going to bottle up again and he’s going to go
looking for something to release them. And to me, that’s reason enough to avoid getting sucked back into him again.

  Chapter 7- History

  The night flies by in a flash. I am only able to see Scott briefly after I get home from my session. I tell him about the affidavit interview, and he seems happy with the way it went. I leave out the conversation that occurred when the legal team left the room, and I definitely don’t tell him about going to Jeremy’s apartment. So for all he knows, Jeremy was briefly interviewed and has to come back for a second round.

  I convince myself that I’m not lying, I’m just omitting as to not hurt his feelings or make him worried. Especially when he has nothing to worry about. Right?

  When I wake up, my heart immediately flutters in high speed. It’s not in a good way, either- it’s in an anxious way. In spite of my seemingly convincing disguise, I could still be caught by the press at any moment. Or someone in the office could recognize me and spill the beans. Hell, just knowing I have to see Jeremy again makes me want to vomit. No matter how I feel when I’m around him, he just makes everything more complicated. It would have been better if we had never met again.

  I don’t really believe that.

  I mentally tell myself to shut up and play along before I crawl out of bed and get dressed. After I’m ready to leave, I kiss a sleeping Scott on the forehead, trying to fill my memory with how I feel right now. I love him so much. Around Jeremy, though, it’s hard for me to remember my name…much less how much I love my boyfriend.

  Outside of the office building downtown, I’m only mildly surprised to see press here today. He was only originally scheduled to come yesterday, and I didn’t think anyone would have known he is coming back today. Although, in my limited experience the press seem to know about everything. It’s creepy.

  I follow the same routine as yesterday, walking past them to the side entrance. I’m successful in getting by unrecognized. I’m glad I won’t have to deal with them tomorrow and, if the case plays out right, ever again.

  I don’t even have time to sit my bag down on my desk before Steven is approaching me. “Dylan, he’ll be here in 15 minutes,” he says. He smiles and walks past me.

  My stomach is killing me. It takes everything in me not to double over. I’m still nervous to see him but I’m also scared that today will go as bad as yesterday in the questioning room. He comes off so…suspicious. If I didn’t know him better, I might think he were actually guilty.

  I gather my things and walk to the room. When I enter, I see Mr. Current already there working on some paperwork. “Ms. Ackhart,” he acknowledges me, not looking up from his work. I say a quick “hello” and sit in the chair next to him.

  I don’t have much time to settle myself before there is a knock on the door. Mr. Current stands and opens the door, greeting Jeremy’s legal team who enter the room first. I stand and they kindly shake my hand before making their way around the table to sit. And then, he enters.

  His flawless face and hopeful eyes look straight towards me the second he walks in. He gives me a shy smile before greeting Mr. Current. He walks up to me slowly, slinking as if he’s gotten some of his swagger back. “Ms. Ackhart,” he says, low and hungry. He shakes my hand.

  My body tightens everywhere. I try to go back to that place in my mind where I filed my feelings for Scott earlier in the morning. I try to go back to the memories of when he cut me out and how it felt. But when he looks at me as if he’s stalking his prey, and I’m the one he’s hungry for, I can’t remember anything outside of this moment.

  He lets go of my hand far too soon and takes his seat across the table from me. Steven is the last to enter. He shuts the door and we all get settled before the questioning begins.

  Mr. Current welcomes the legal team back, and they look much more relaxed today. I wonder if that’s just a front and they’re really scared shitless. I would be if I were in their position. Unless, something major has changed within the last twenty-four hours.

  Mr. Current clears his throat. “Alright, Mr. Mason, so let’s jump right into it, should we?”

  Jeremy nods.

  “So, let’s start from where we ended. You and Ms. Carter were seen walking up the stairs. And then she entered your room with you?”

  Jeremy sighs heavily. “Yes. She came in my room with me. I didn’t even know her name. She saw me at the party and literally walked up to me and started kissing me. Then she asked if I wanted to take her upstairs.”

  “Weren’t you concerned you didn’t know how old she was?” Mr. Current raises an eyebrow.

  “Honestly, no. Everyone at my parties is carded before they walk in.” Jeremy seems confident in that.

  “But not this time.”

  Jeremy shrugs. “She had a fake ID. That’s what my guard told me and I believe him.”

  “The only ID found on Ms. Carter was the one saying she was seventeen.”

  Everyone’s silent. Jeremy swallows. “Regardless, I had reason enough to believe she was twenty-one. If he wasn’t doing his job, that’s his negligence.”

  Mr. Current and Jeremy make eye contact with each other, staring each other down. Mr. Current is the first to speak. “I’m having a hard time understanding, Mr. Mason, how someone could be so indifferent towards the victim when he was physically and sexually abused as a child himself.”

  Luckily, my gasp is hidden under the uproar from his legal team. Jeremy’s face goes white and his jaw tightens in anger.

  Oh my God, it must be true.

  “That has no bearing on this case,” one of his lawyers spit towards us.

  Jeremy looks away from Mr. Current to look at me. His eyes well with tears. He looks embarrassed and ashamed. I give him a concerned look.

  “All I’m saying,” Mr. Current argues, “is that he was sexually abused as a child by his manager, right? And severely physically abused by his parents? I was simply making a point that it’s unusual.”

  It really has no bearing on this case, of that I’m sure. Mr. Current is using it as a tactic to shake up Jeremy, to spread his emotions thin so that he’ll admit to things he might not otherwise. The moment Jeremy’s tears start to fall down his face, I know Mr. Current has won. And it’s painful to watch. My heart is breaking.

  I catch the end of the conversation between the teams. A man from Jeremy’s team stands and starts packing away his paperwork. “We’re no longer cooperating with this case, Mr. Current. Without a court order, my client won’t be returning.”

  “Oh, I think we have enough evidence to obtain what we need. We’ll be seeing him again,” Steven says in a smug tone.

  Jeremy is looking away from everyone as his tears continue to fall. After his team collects their papers, one of them leans towards him and says, “Let’s go, Mr. Mason.” Jeremy stands and starts to walk out of the room, his head hanging down, avoiding staring at anything but his feet.

  I have to swallow a million times so that I don’t burst into tears. How could I not have known this? Oh my God, poor Jeremy.

  The entire day, my head is filled with nothing but him. I leave my office fifteen minutes early, sneaking out wordlessly. I get into my red car and drive towards his new apartment. I’m not even sure how I remember how to get there- but I do. It’s almost like I’m being pulled to him. I know I need to go to him.

  I don’t think of our past, our present, the situations surrounding us, or even Scott. I only think about how much he must need me, and how much I need to be there for him.

  When I pull into the parking lot, I notice his Honda. I’m hoping that means he’s home. I run up the stairs all the way to the top, desperate to see him and know he’s alright. He looked so broken when he left. My heart constricts at the thought of it.

  I finally reach his door and knock hard. I stand, breathing heavily and shaking, praying he’ll answer. I hear someone a moment later walk up to the door. The doorknob turns and the door slowly opens. I see Jeremy’s face appear first, red and puffy from crying. He looks su
rprised to see me standing there. I know I must look crazy because I feel crazy right now, letting everything go and thinking of nothing but this moment.

  We stand still, staring at each other, saying nothing. Seeing him so broken like this, so vulnerable, makes me weak in the knees. Finally, his bottom lip quivers and he turns himself away from me.

  “Oh Jeremy,” I choke out. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Dylan, I’m just really fucked up right now. I don’t want you to look at me.” His voice is rough and filled with self-disgust.

  I take a step towards him. “Why?” I question.

  “I’m terrified of what you think right now, okay? I’m…ashamed…”

  I can’t stop the tears from pouring over. “You don’t have to be ashamed. Why would you be ashamed?”

  He shrugs. “Because…of what you heard. What you know.”

  “Jeremy, you were a victim…”

  “I let him touch me. I let him do it for years, Dylan.”

  My stomach rolls. I take another step closer to his back. “You were a child…”

  “Doesn’t matter,” he cuts me off.

  “Of course it matters!”

  He puts his hands on his head, running his fingers roughly through his hair. “My parents knew about it, and they told me he was a good manager who would take me places. They told me to listen to everything he said. To do it and not talk about it.”

  I am so close to vomiting I don’t know I can hold it in. “You didn’t understand.”

  His words spill out of him as if he can’t stop himself. “My parents were worse though. They used to beat me. Every time I got a note wrong or my fingers weren’t in the right position, anytime I messed up, they’d hit me. With anything. A belt, yard stick, cane…over and over and over…”

  I grab him around the waist, placing my cheek on his back. He stops his rant and his breathing as he tenses. He places his hands on top of mine.

  “I didn’t want you to ever find out,” he whispers.

  “But, I wanted to understand you, Jeremy. I wanted to understand what would have driven you to use like you were,” I mumble back.