Trials (Rock Bottom)

by Sarah Biermann

  “You would have if…” he trails off.

  I nod against his back. “If I didn’t leave?”

  He sobs harder. “This, this is what the drugs kept away. I don’t like to think about it or talk about it. I don’t want to deal with it. Can’t you get that?”

  Overcome with emotion, I walk around him, keeping my arms around his waist. I stop when I’m standing in front of him. I look up at him, his hands covering his face, until he drops them to his side. He looks down at me, his eyes deliciously exposed. I understand that this moment is another trial for me- one I’m about to fail.

  I stand on my toes and kiss him passionately. I release his waist and place my hands in his hair. He tastes better than I could ever have remembered and when we connect, my entire body tingles. It’s like he is breathing life back into me.

  He’s still for a moment, shocked into rigidness. As my mouth begins to move against his, he starts to move his lips in synchronization. He wraps his arms delicately around me, but we’ve been apart too long for gentle. I push my mouth harder into his and wrap my fingers tighter in his hair.

  His breathing increases and his mouth moves faster with mine. He grabs the back of my shirt roughly, flipping me around and slamming me back against the wall. I moan and wrap my legs around him. He drops his hands to hold me under my ass.

  “Damn you, Dylan,” he says, growling the words in between kisses. “Damn you for making me love you so much. I need you. I need you now. I’ve never needed anything more in my life than I need you right now.” His voice breaks.

  I understand now, in a way, his addiction. I understand having the pull to something you know is probably bad for you. You know it will probably end horribly. But it makes you feel so good that how can you deny it? I guess that makes me an addict, too. Maybe not of drugs, but to something that has the potential to be just as damaging to me and those around me.

  The difference between Jeremy and I is that while he’s beating his addiction, I’m succumbing to mine.

  I pull away from him, looking into his sparkling eyes. I lift my shirt and bra over my head, tossing them aside. I hear the intake of Jeremy’s breath as he eyes me in amazement. I grab his shirt and lift it over his head before running my hand down his strong chest. I set my legs down and undo my pants, letting them and my underwear fall to the floor. His eyes widen with wonder as I move to his buckle and his button. His jeans fall to the floor, leaving us both naked.

  Dylan, what in the hell are you doing?

  I look into his hopeful eyes again.

  Dylan, stop. You have someone at home counting on you.

  “I love you,” Jeremy whispers to me.

  Damn it. But he needs me. I need to help him. I need to.

  I run my hand along his face. “I’m going to make you feel so good,” I whisper, repeating his words back to him from what feels like another lifetime. His smile turns dangerous and he lifts my legs up again and wraps them around him, entering me at the same time.

  We gasp together, adjusting to the familiar feeling. We fit together perfectly, like our bodies were made for each other.

  “Shit,” he says, resting his head on my shoulder. He begins to move slowly. “Oh my God,” he moans.

  Tears roll down my cheeks again. “You feel so good,” I moan to him. He thrusts faster, banging my back against the wall.

  “Tell me to fuck you, Dylan,” he commands.

  “Fuck me, Jeremy,” I growl.

  “Tell me you need me.”

  “I need you,” I cry, digging my nails into his back.

  “Tell me…tell me you love me,” his voice is gentler but his speed continues.

  I gasp for air. “I love you, Jeremy. I love you so much.”

  He groans and sets me down so my feet are back on the floor. In record time, he flips me around so that my hands are on the wall and enters me from behind. He slams into me hard and pauses. I scream.

  “You’re mine. You’ve always been mine and I’ve always been yours,” he says, low and sexy. My nipples harden.

  He slams into me again, hard and fast. I gasp. “You’re my wife. Tell me you want to be mine.”

  My voice is shaking when I speak. I feel my body trembling. “I want to be yours, Jeremy.”

  He starts to thrust into me over and over. I can feel the building begin in my body. The warmth starts to spread over me. It’s a feeling I’ve only ever experienced with Jeremy; he sets me on fire.

  “Do you want to feel me inside of you?” His voice is breathless, and I can hear he’s close.

  “Yes,” I moan. More than anything ever in my life!

  “I want to cum inside of you, baby.”

  My mind is blank, distracted by the overwhelming pleasure. I couldn’t formulate a sentence even if I wanted to. I’m silent. He must take that as an okay because I feel him releasing into me. It’s the most amazing feeling. I’m warmed inside by him as he pulsates. It immediately sends me over and I finish at the same time, both of us screaming. Our bodies shake from the force of our release and we fall to the ground, collapsing in a heap, our bodies wrapped together.

  My brain turns on when I hit the cold floor. Oh my God. What have I done?

  Chapter 8- Backtracking

  Our bodies are still as we lay together on the floor for a few more moments. I’m the first to move, unlocking myself from him as I scramble to put my pants back on. I can’t even look back at him, I’m so ashamed.

  As I’m pulling my pants up, I hear him stand slowly and the sound of his buckle rattling. I give him a few moments until I’m sure he’s decent before I turn around to face him. When I see his face, my heart drops. He’s grinning and his eyes are excited, as if all of his other problems were taken away by our brief encounter. I didn’t know I ever had that kind of effect on him before. Maybe if I had, things would have gone differently.

  But they didn’t. And now I’m in a heap load of trouble.

  I see his smile begin to fade when he studies my expression. I know what I must look like- pale and wide eyed. Terrified. Horrified. I can feel my muscles shaking.

  “Dylan? What’s wrong, baby?” he says, concerned.

  My mouth pops open but words don’t come out.

  He shakes his head. “Aren’t you…happy?” He seems surprised that I’d be anything else. Doesn’t he realize how complicated everything just became?

  “Jeremy,” I finally mumble out. “I can’t believe this just happened.”

  His face tenses for a moment, as if he’s just been slapped. His expression hardens. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Jeremy, I have a life now. With Scott. I love him,” I say, shakily. Remember this morning. Remember this morning…

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You’re going to stand there and peddle to me that you love the guy you’re with when you just fucked me? Sorry, baby. To me, that means you don’t love him at all.” Jeremy crosses his arms in front of his chest, his eyes burning.

  I feel like I should defend my relationship but I let it go. Because, I kind of see his point and I don’t like it. “You’re a suspect in a murder trial that I’m involved in, Jeremy!”

  “Damn it, Dylan. Stop doing this!” Jeremy uncrosses his arms and steps towards me. I back up against the wall and he stops only inches from my body, our chests almost touching. His eyes bore into mine, and I can’t look away from them. “You love me. Stop making up excuses for us not to be together. It’s been long enough, Dylan. I don’t want to waste any more time living without you. My money, my career, my looks, my voice…they mean nothing to me. You give my life meaning. You saved me. Let me make you my life.”

  The effect of his eyes is almost enough to overwhelm me. I muster enough strength to clench my eyes shut. The second I break from his gaze, I think more clearly. “Jeremy, please,” I whisper. “Please…I can’t think clearly like this. I need time. I need time to figure things out.”

  I hear him push off the wall and exhale in frustrat
ion. “Time…ten fucking months…”he mumbles.

  My eyes open and I see his back facing me again. “You’re not being fair,” I complain. “You may have always known you were going to come back to me. But you left me completely in the dark, Jeremy. So I moved on the best way I knew how. Now, you just breeze back into my life under impossible circumstances. It’s all too much for me to comprehend in only a few short days.”

  He’s silent for a moment. “Whatever you want, Dylan,” he says, still facing the opposite wall. He doesn’t sound angry, but annoyed and hurt. I can’t say I blame him. I definitely led him on.

  I know I have to leave before what little resolve I have breaks. I need to get away from him so I can process everything that just happened. “I have to go now Jeremy. I’ll call you soon, okay? I promise.”

  I turn without waiting for a response and run out of his apartment. I slam the door behind me and take the stairs to the bottom floor. I’m able to make it to my car before the hysterical crying sets in. Now I have to go home and face my sweet and attentive boyfriend. While I am still dripping with the remnants of my infidelity.

  On the way home, I’m able to calm myself enough so that I can pass for just being tired. When I park the car in front of my home, I check myself in the mirror one more time, smoothing my hair and give myself a mental pep talk.

  When I get inside, there’s no sign of Scott. I think maybe I should just run into the shower like the cheating philanderer I am, when I hear footsteps rounding the corner. Shit.

  I see Scott walking towards me, a bright grin on his face. “Hey, babe. Thought I heard you,” he said, opening his arms for me.

  Crap. Now what? I can’t run into them right now because A, I would break down into an instant crying fit and B, I probably smell like sex.

  “Scott,” I whisper. He stops in front of me and lowers his arms. He looks me up and down, examining me. Oh my God…Oh shit…

  “Dylan, what happened?” He asks me, voice concerned.

  “I just…I don’t feel very well,” I lie. Luckily, choking back tears makes your voice sound surprisingly similar to choking back vomit.

  “I can tell, honey.” Scott rubs his hands on my arms. “Take a shower, okay? I’ll make you a little something to eat.”

  Kill me now. I nod and walk into the bathroom. I turn the water on scolding hot and jump in the shower. I try desperately to wash away the smell of him, the feel of him, and the guilt I feel. But no matter how hard I scrub, all of it is still there. There’s no backtracking from this.

  I wake up the next morning without the alarm. Well, “wake up” is a strong term when you’ve gotten no more than twenty minutes of continuous sleep. The guilt hits me the instant my eyes open. I turn my head and see Scott sleeping peacefully next to me. Thankfully, I was pretty convincing being sick last night, and I went to bed straight from the shower. Really, I was just lying in the bed trying to work through what to do.

  The same questions that kept me awake last night run through my head this morning. Do I tell Scott? How would I even tell him something like that? Will he leave me? Should I beg for forgiveness? Should I remove myself from the case? Should I speak to Jeremy ever again? Should I…should I go back to Jeremy?

  I swallow the lump in my throat as I get up and get ready for work. I decide as I head out the door that it would probably be best to remove myself from the case. I will have to be careful about it. I’ll thank Mr. Current profusely for letting me sit in on the case. I’ll tell him I’m excited to move on to the next department and that I want to have the opportunity to learn every department before I’m done with the internship. That sounds like a reasonable excuse. Right?

  Pulling up to the building, I’m thankful that there are no press hounds outside today. I walk through the doors and into the office, greeting people as I go, and make my way to my desk in the homicide division.

  It’s quiet today, everyone immersed in the paperwork they’re completing. It gives me time to sit in silence and think about how to request the transfer. As I’m going over the script in my head, I see Steven walking up to my desk. I give him a small smile. “Good morning,” I almost whisper.

  “Morning, Dylan. We’ve got some good news on the Carter case. We’ve been asked to meet Daniel in his office.” He seems excited. My heart stops beating. If the news is good for us, that means it’s probably bad for Jeremy. Unless I’m just jumping ahead. Maybe they’ve found another suspect?

  I leave my things on my desk and follow Steven to Mr. Current’s office. Steven nods to Mr. Current’s secretary and lets himself into his office. I follow behind. I see Mr. Current look up at us as we approach the chairs in front of his desk. We both take a seat and say, “Good morning,” almost simultaneously. Mr. Current is beaming from ear to ear. I want to grab his trash can and vomit in it.

  “First I have some bad news,” Mr. Current says. Strangely, he’s still smiling. “Ms. Carter’s fake ID was found at the scene. Very convincing, too. It did say she was twenty-one. So we won’t be able to file statutory rape charges.” Thank God, Jeremy was telling the truth about that. I’m relieved for a few seconds, but I know there’s more. He’s still smiling.

  “Now, good news, guys. The police picked up a drug dealer last night not far from Mr. Mason’s home. There have been a couple of deaths recently surrounding hot doses of heroin, and they suspect the man they have in custody was the one selling it. They tested the drugs he was selling, and more than a few of the bags were hot. They brought him in for questioning, and the man said he had details about this case he would reveal for a deal.”

  I held my breath. Maybe this guy killed the victim? Could this whole nightmare be over?

  “He revealed that he sold a hot dose to Mr. Mason a few months back. He said he has other witnesses that were there and he described the exact mixture that the toxicology report found was in the victim’s system. I think now we have more than enough information to make a formal arrest of Mr. Mason.”

  It’s hard for me to hear because of the pounding in my ears. But, he’s innocent! I know in my heart he’s innocent. Jeremy is many things, both good and bad, but he’s not a murderer. And I can’t imagine him feeding someone else’s addiction. I think back to yesterday when he left here and was alone at home for hours before I found him. He could have turned to drugs or drinking, but he didn’t. He actually sat and dealt with his emotions. He must have learned at least a few coping mechanisms. So then, why does all the evidence point back to him, Dylan?

  He told me he had bought heroin only once a few months ago. If this is the man that sold it to him, and unless by some huge coincidence he had also sold it to the victim and for some reason is lying, Jeremy would have had to have given her the heroin.

  I feel my face flush as Mr. Current examines me. He’s looking at me again like he’s expecting something from me. I somehow manage to pull myself together and put on a poker face. I smile and nod at him. “That’s wonderful.”

  He smiles slightly. “Alright. I’ll let you two know when I find out more information.” Mr. Current looks back towards the paperwork on his desk. Steven and I stand and exit the office. I think he begins to say something to me but I don’t hear him. I keep walking until I find the bathroom. After I walk in and make sure no one else is there, I pull my phone out of my pocket. I search for the number I found in his file and hope that it’s his new cell number.

  Dylan: It’s Dylan. Are you home?

  Jeremy: Yes. Y?

  Dylan: I’m coming over.

  Jeremy: Everything OK?

  My hands are shaking so badly I can barely type. I have to tell him the truth.

  Dylan: No.

  I put the phone back in my pocket and leave the bathroom quickly. I pass Mr. Schuster in the hallway on my way to my desk, almost walking directly past him without noticing it was him.

  “Earth to Dylan,” I hear him say when I finally snap out of it. I stop and look at him.

  “Oh, Mr. Schuster. Hi,” I say.
I’m flustered and I’m sure I don’t look well.

  “You okay?” he says. I’m tired of everyone asking me that lately. No, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for months!

  “I don’t feel very well. I’m going to get out of here for a little bit and see if I feel better. See a doctor, maybe. Tell Mr. Current or Steven I got sick suddenly and had to bow out for a little if they ask for me, okay? I’ll leave a note on my desk and I have my cell phone…”

  Mr. Schuster gave me a confused look. “Okay?” he answers, unsure.

  I nod and run to collect my things from my desk. I scrawl out a note and leave it in the middle before I nearly run out of the office. I need to get to Jeremy before anyone else finds out. I know I’ll get to him before the charges are officially made, but who knows when the press will pick up on it. As far as I know, they don’t know anything about the drug dealer yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

  I pull up outside of Jeremy’s apartment building, I park and jog up the steps. I open the door to enter the building and stiffen in surprise when two, big arms wrap around me. “What happened?” I hear Jeremy’s worried voice in my ear.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” I whisper back. He holds me at arm’s length, examining my face. He looks afraid. “Okay,” he mumbles, grabbing my hand and leading me up the staircase to his apartment. We finally get inside and he shuts the door. I stand, unable to move anymore, with my arms hugging myself.

  “So, what’s the matter?” Jeremy says, turning to face me.

  “They’re going to make a formal arrest, Jeremy,” I say, my voice shaky.

  Jeremy says nothing, just stares at me. He inhales and blows the air out slowly. “Damn,” he whispers.

  I throw my hands up. “Damn? That’s it?”

  He shrugs. “I knew this was coming. I told you. But my legal team says they don’t have enough evidence to convict me.”

  “I heard something new today,” I say, stepping closer to him. “A drug dealer was arrested and said he would exchange information on this case for a lesser charge.”