All of My Heart

by Sara Naveed

  ‘Let’s just put it behind us,’ he said, his voice relaxing. ‘Anyway, are you free this evening? Can we meet?’

  ‘Meet?’ I asked, as I raised a brow and looked at Soniya.

  She gave me a positive nod and mouthed the words ‘say yes’.

  ‘Yeah, only if you’re free?’ he asked, waiting for my reply.

  ‘Um, okay,’ I said.

  ‘Great! I’ll wait for you at the same music store at 5. See you then?’

  ‘Okay, see you.’ I hung up and looked at her, my face serious.

  ‘What?’ she asked.

  ‘Why did you make me say yes?’

  ‘Zynah, stop blaming me. You wanted to say yes so you said it. What’s wrong in catching up with old friends?’

  I looked way, sighing.

  ‘He realized he acted like a jerk last night and apologized. And trust me, it takes a lot of guts to apologize to someone when you know you aren’t wrong. You’re just lucky to have a friend like him.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You know what I mean. Besides, I’m getting late for work. Need to go. I’ll call you at night for the deets!’ Grabbing her stuff from the coffee table, she quickly patted me on my shoulder and left.

  Going back to Rough Trade, my favourite music store, was like taking a walk down memory lane. This used to be my favourite haunt before I got married. My eyes became moist when I thought about those good old days—glorious and carefree. I had Rehaan to thank for bringing back the happy memories.

  ‘I almost thought you wouldn’t come,’ he said as I walked towards him.

  ‘Umm . . .’ I hesitated, not knowing what to say. ‘Did you buy anything?’ I asked, changing the subject.

  ‘Yeah, I picked up two,’ he said, handing the music albums to me.

  ‘I didn’t know you were into pop music,’ I mumbled.

  ‘Well, I’m into everything, you know. Pop. Rock. Jazz.’ He smiled, his cheeks turning pink. ‘I am glad we still have these stores around. Nothing beats the joy of listening to good old vinyl records.’

  ‘Right,’ I said, suppressing a smile.

  ‘Should we go out for coffee or do you want to hang around here for a bit?’ he asked.

  ‘No, no. I think we should leave.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Across the street, we found a small, cosy coffee shop. Rehaan said it was quite popular with the hipsters. We placed our order and settled down at a corner table. An uncomfortable silence engulfed us as we waited for our cups of coffee. Our eyes locked every now and then but neither of us initiated a conversation.

  ‘So . . .’ Rehaan finally spoke. ‘How’s everyone at home? Who else is there besides Aariz?’

  I tried to gauge his expression. I didn’t want to get into another argument about my husband. But he seemed to be in a good mood and the question seemed pretty harmless.

  ‘There’s Aariz and his parents, Aunty Raima and Uncle Kamran.’

  ‘Are they good to you?’ He raised a brow.

  ‘Of course, they’re my family.’

  ‘That’s good to know.’ He nodded, biting his lower lip.

  ‘What about you? Where are you staying in London? Same place with that Indian flatmate?’ I asked, taking my cup from the waiter and placing it on the table.

  ‘No . . . financially, I am in a much better place. I have my own apartment now, on mortgage of course,’ he said matter-of-factly.

  ‘Oh,’ I said, taking a sip of the sweet liquid.

  ‘By doing a full-time job after my masters, driving Uber on weekends and taking up a few photography courses, I managed to save some money and eventually opened my own photography studio here.’

  ‘Doesn’t your studio reap good profits? I mean, why do you need to drive a taxi when you have your own setup?’

  ‘I don’t do it for money. I drive for myself, to calm my senses. It gives me time to think.’

  ‘Makes sense. I’m glad you’ve achieved what you wanted to.’

  ‘Not yet. I am not even close.’

  ‘What?’ I exclaimed. ‘You have your own photography studio and your own apartment. You earn good money. You are your own boss. What else do you need?’

  ‘I am still looking for my soulmate.’

  ‘What? That sounds poetic.’ I shook my head.

  ‘Poetic and spiritual. You know what?’ he said, leaning forward. ‘I have always believed in this quote by Rumi, “What you seek is seeking you. It’s nice to think that what you love actually loves you, what you desire desires you, and what you want wants you.’’’

  ‘So, who wants to be with you?’ I asked, suddenly getting intrigued by this conversation. ‘Is there someone in your life?’

  ‘If I’m not wrong, you’re trying to find out about my relationship status.’

  ‘Of course, I am. What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘No. There is nothing wrong with that.’

  ‘So, is there someone?’ I asked, trying very hard not to sound too desperate. Deep down, I really wanted to know whether he was single or not.

  ‘I’ve met a lot of girls here. Thanks to Tinder. But I’m not dating anyone right now.’

  ‘So, you’re single then?’

  ‘For now, yes.’

  ‘Don’t tell me your Amma hasn’t already found a girl for you in Lahore.’

  ‘Well, yes, she has. She keeps trying,’ he said, smiling. ‘But I haven’t said yes to any of them.’

  ‘Chalo, koi na koi mil jayegi [You will eventually find someone]. Wait for the right time.’

  ‘Or maybe, I should wait for the right person?’ he asked, his eyes locked with mine.

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ I said, breaking our gaze.

  Rehaan

  After our little coffee date, we strolled down the street aimlessly. I felt the crisp December air on my face and shivered slightly.

  ‘Does Aariz know you are here with me?’ I suddenly asked her, forgetting that this was a touchy topic.

  ‘Yes, I have told him. He’s not in town though. He’ll return from Chicago next week,’ she said, her voice composed.

  ‘Does he know about me?’ I asked, giving her a sidelong glance.

  She looked at me and nodded.

  ‘Does he approve of you meeting your male friends?’

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Most husbands are possessive, you know. But hey, you don’t have to worry. Aariz can’t be possessive about you. He clearly isn’t the jealous type.’ I chuckled, hoping she would ignore my sarcasm.

  ‘He trusts me,’ she snapped back.

  ‘Of course he does. You’re not the one who’s cheating on him.’

  She stopped in her tracks as soon as these words came out of my mouth. I had done it again. I just couldn’t help taking digs at her husband. She gave me a cold stare.

  ‘Oh, c’mon,’ I said, raising my hands in surrender. ‘I was just . . . kidding.’

  She looked upset.

  ‘Zynah, don’t tell me you can’t even take my jokes now?’

  ‘If my relationship with my husband is a joke to you . . . then I don’t even know what to say,’ she said, her voice breaking. I didn’t want to spoil her mood or our evening.

  ‘Okay, fine,’ I sighed. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Ignoring my hollow apology, she strode ahead, towards the Tube station.

  ‘Acha, listen . . .’ I followed her. ‘Don’t act like a stubborn child now. You know we’re friends. Doston mein sab chalta hai [These things keep happening between friends].’

  ‘Whatever, Rehaan,’ she said, slowing down.

  ‘So, when does your curfew end? How much time do you have?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I wanted to show you around, you know.’ I shrugged.

  ‘What?’ She guffawed. ‘You want to show me my own city? Don’t you remember? I was the one who showed you around in the first place.’

  I was glad she remembered our time together. It brought an instant smile to my face.
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  ‘Do you think that’s London? Those touristy spots?’ I said, shaking my head.

  ‘What do you mean?’ She folded her arms.

  ‘Darling, I’ll show you the real London. The city you haven’t seen yet.’

  ‘Oh, c’mon. I know this place like the back of my hand. Every nook and cranny. There’s not even a single place I haven’t visited,’ she said.

  ‘Are you challenging me, Zynah Malik?’

  ‘Yes, I am, Rehaan Sheikh!’

  Zynah

  Surprisingly, it was easy to convince Aunty Raima about my upcoming plan with Rehaan. When I told her a friend had moved to the city and had requested me to show him around, she thought it was a good idea. She wanted me to go out as much as possible, especially when Aariz was not in town. If only I could tell her what real solitude was. If only I could tell her how isolated I felt even in Aariz’s presence.

  I spotted Rehaan sitting on a bench outside St Pancras Old Church as I parked my car. He had asked me to meet him here. I wondered why. Was he trying to make me revisit our memories? Or was he trying to make me understand that I had a life outside my relationship with Aariz?

  ‘Hey,’ I said, making my way to the bench.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, looking up. ‘What’s up?’

  I noticed the camera strapped across his chest.

  ‘Why did you call me here?’ I asked him. ‘I have been here a million times,’ I reminded him.

  ‘I thought you liked this place.’

  ‘I still do.’

  ‘So why did you stop coming?’

  ‘I never said that,’ I retorted.

  ‘Really?’ He pondered over my statement for a bit and then said, ‘I think you did mention yesterday that after marriage you stopped visiting the places you loved.’

  ‘I don’t remember saying that.’ I turned away, looking at the main entrance of the church, trying to change the topic. ‘Anyway, are we here to visit this church? You couldn’t come up with anything better?’ I smiled at him, folding my arms. ‘Why do I have a feeling that you’re going to fail this challenge?’ I asked him.

  ‘I won’t.’

  He stood across me, adjusting the collar of his black sweatshirt. Maybe I hadn’t noticed before but he looked different; he looked handsome. Even his hairstyle had changed over the years. And the beard really suited his boyish face.

  He suddenly looked up and our eyes met. He had caught me staring at him.

  ‘Hello? Where are you lost?’ he asked, snapping his fingers to get my attention.

  ‘Um, nothing.’

  ‘So, ready for the challenge?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said with a nod.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Rehaan inquired.

  ‘I thought we were going around the city?’ I said as I unlocked my car.

  ‘Yes, we are, but not in our cars.’

  ‘Why not?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘Well.’ He took a few steps in my direction. ‘Our first activity involves seeing the city on . . . bicycles.’

  ‘What?’ I frowned. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You can’t be! I don’t have a bicycle.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that. I have hired them,’ he said and started walking in the opposite direction. I followed him and soon saw two bicycles parked against the wall.

  ‘Rehaan,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘We can’t roam around on bicycles. That’s so silly,’ I insisted, waving my hands.

  ‘No, it’s not. It’s a lot of fun! You took me around on a tour bus. Did I complain? No! Now you have to do as I say. C’mon. Give it a try!’

  For a moment I stared at the bike. No matter what he said, it still seemed like a stupid idea.

  ‘Zynah! What are you thinking? Trust me. You’ll love it, I’m telling you. Don’t you trust me?’

  ‘Um . . .’

  ‘I’m not asking you to jump off a cliff. C’mon. It’s only a bike!’

  ‘What if . . . what if I fall?’

  ‘Is that what you’re afraid of?’

  I nodded sheepishly.

  ‘You won’t. I am here,’ he assured me.

  I locked my eyes with his, my heart racing.

  ‘Plus, I’ve got us helmets. So there is nothing to worry about.’ He disengaged the helmet from the bike’s handle and handed it to me. ‘Take it.’

  Leaving my hesitation and fear behind, I stepped forward, taking the helmet from his hand. He passed me a victorious smile in return. I wore the helmet gingerly and then mounted the bike, my legs shaking. I had not ridden one in ages.

  ‘On your marks, get set, go!’ He pedalled towards the main road. I imitated him. I held the handlebar firmly and pushed the pedal, slowly gaining pace. I couldn’t believe I still remembered how to ride. Feeling exhilarated, I smiled as the air rushed past my face. Rehaan slowed down to match my speed. I looked at him and suddenly both of us burst out laughing. He was right. This was truly amazing. I saw the city from a fresh perspective that day.

  The sun felt good on my skin. It warmed my heart and for a second, I forgot all my problems. I was finally living in the moment. I looked around at the lush greenery, the quaint cafes lining the street, the people out on their evening walk, and then I looked at Rehaan. He was gesturing at me to take a right turn ahead. I squinted at him against the bright light. And then it happened. I lost my balance. I tried to steady myself but couldn’t and let out a loud scream. Rehaan came running and broke my fall just in time. Blood rushed to my cheeks as he wrapped his strong arms around my waist. He smiled at me reassuringly, making my heart skip a beat.

  On our way home, he asked me if I would meet him the next day for another adventure. I instantly said yes. Visiting these places with him was just an excuse. What I was most excited about was meeting him every day. I felt happier in his presence. He had come into my life once again like a breath of fresh air.

  The next day, I met him directly at Regent’s Canal. He looked really cute in a pair of shorts and a striped cotton shirt. I let out a giggle as he walked towards me. He thought I was making fun of him and seemed offended. But then he too burst out laughing. I was glad we had restored the camaraderie in our relationship.

  ‘Remember you had told me that the church was your go-to place whenever you wanted some peace of mind?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Well, this is my church,’ he declared.

  ‘This is beautiful,’ I said, soaking up the sun.

  ‘But this is only twenty per cent of the adventure this place offers.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘Follow me.’ His face broke into a smile.

  After talking to a local for a few minutes, he asked me to follow him further. Soon a kayak came into view, bobbing up and down.

  ‘Rehaan, what’s this?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s a kayak. Come, let’s go.’ He took my hand and made me step down the dock and then into the kayak. It was a two-seater and we managed to board it quite easily without it keeling over. The local with whom Rehaan was talking earlier handed us two paddles. He smiled, wished us a wonderful ride and made his way back to the dock. Both the seats faced the same direction and, seated in the rear, I couldn’t see Rehaan’s face as his back was towards me.

  ‘Rehaan, what am I supposed to do with this?’ I asked, looking at the double-bladed paddle in my hands. ‘I can’t even hold it properly.’

  ‘Paddling is super easy, Zynah. Just use it to propel the boat forward. I’ll start doing it so you can learn from me. All right?’

  With his legs stretched out in front, Rehaan started to paddle with strong strokes. He used his torso and his shoulders to rotate the paddle so that while one blade pushed back the water, the other was in the air and moving forward to take the next stroke. Rehaan slipped into a rhythm and I imitated his technique. The tandem effort propelled the kayak in a straight line through the canal.

  ‘Got it?’ Rehaan asked, looking over his shou
lder so I could hear him.

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded enthusiastically, feeling an adrenaline rush.

  I had never experienced this thrill before: neither with my friends, nor alone. I cursed myself for not having tried it earlier. This was a unique view of London from its canals—a perspective I would never have experienced otherwise.

  We took the Tube home. It was Rehaan’s idea. I got a seat but Rehaan had to stand throughout the twenty-minute journey.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked him.

  ‘Yes,’ he said and then realized I was rubbing my arms. ‘Are you okay?’

  I nodded.

  ‘But you don’t seem okay,’ he said, scrutinizing my face. ‘Are you hurt?’

  How did he know that my arms hurt because of kayaking all day?

  ‘How do you know?’ I asked, surprised.

  ‘Know what?’ he asked.

  ‘Uh, nothing,’ I said, looking out of the window.

  ‘I can read your face, Zynah,’ he said.

  I looked down at my hands, my heart thudding in my chest.

  ‘I know what’s on your mind. I can feel it. Maybe you are hurting here too,’ he said, placing a hand on his chest.

  I glared at him, and before I could launch a counter-attack, he changed the subject. ‘Get a hot compress as soon as you reach home.’

  Pursing my lips, I sat back and heaved a sigh, considering what he’d just said. He was right. It was my heart that hurt the most. But then what is love without the pain?

  Rehaan

  The next day, I wrapped up my assignments by 4 p.m. and then called Zynah and asked her to meet me at Hampstead Heath. She seemed reluctant as she had been to the park many times before but when I promised it would be a completely new experience, she agreed.

  ‘What’s up, Captain?’ she asked, removing her shades. ‘Enjoying the sunny afternoon?’

  I smiled on hearing her call me ‘Captain.’ It meant we were slowly getting back on track.

  ‘Kind of,’ I said, smiling. ‘How’s your arm now?’

  ‘Much better.’

  ‘Did the compress help?’

  ‘Yes.’ She smiled, caressing her arm. ‘You should have told me you were planning a picnic. I would have got a lunch basket for us.’