All of My Heart

by Sara Naveed

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve already got it.’ I winked at her.

  ‘Really?’ She looked surprised.

  I nodded.

  ‘But I’m not hungry right now. Are you?’ she asked.

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Great.’ She smiled. ‘So, what is the plan? Sit and chat?’

  ‘No. We swim today.’

  ‘What?’ She looked baffled.

  I nodded.

  ‘No way.’ She shook her head slowly.

  ‘Zynah, have you ever swum in the Hampstead ponds?’

  ‘Never. I’m not crazy.’

  ‘But I am. Watch me do it.’ I winked at her again, unbuttoning my jacket.

  ‘Rehaan, are you crazy? The weather might seem sunny right now but soon it will get chilly. You’ll end up catching a cold!’ she cried.

  ‘Don’t worry, Zynah. I have done this many times. Even in winter.’ By now, I had stripped down to my vest and boxers. Crossing the Mixed Bathing Pond entrance, I sprinted towards the water and jumped in with a loud splash.

  ‘Rehaan!’ Zynah shrieked.

  I pushed myself up and waved at her enthusiastically, my hair sticking to my forehead.

  ‘I’m here. I’m fine!’ I assured her, smiling.

  ‘I can’t believe you! Idiot! I thought you had drowned!’ She heaved a sigh of relief, clamping a hand over her mouth.

  ‘Don’t worry. I won’t leave you. Not yet.’ I held her gaze.

  She first glared at me and then flashed one of her winning smiles. Returning the smile, I swam further away from her, relishing the cold water.

  As the sky dusked, the air became cooler, making me shiver. Crossing my legs, I sat down on the damp grass along with Zynah, and enjoyed the perfect sunset in front of us.

  ‘Rehaan, when did you get time to explore all these beautiful places?’ she asked, breaking the silence.

  ‘Well, somewhere between learning photography, buying an apartment, opening a studio and acquiring a driving license. Nothing happens overnight.’

  ‘I’m so proud of your achievements, Rehaan. Your family must be proud too,’ she continued, smiling.

  ‘Yes, they are,’ I said, unzipping my bag and taking out a pack of cigarettes. ‘I’m also planning to have a photo exhibition soon,’ I said, putting a cigarette between my lips. ‘Want one?’

  ‘No, thanks. But best of luck for the exhibition.’ She smiled.

  ‘You don’t smoke now?’ I asked.

  ‘I quit after I got married.’

  I nodded, breaking eye contact with her, and wondered what else she had given up for the sake of marriage.

  ‘But I can see you have started smoking,’ she said, raising a brow.

  ‘Oh, this.’ I took the cigarette out of my mouth and threw it away. ‘Just sometimes.’ I shrugged.

  ‘Hmmm. So, Mr Rehaan Sheikh!’ She turned to look at me. ‘Now that you have achieved what you wanted to, I think you should get married.’

  ‘What?’ I exclaimed, looking away.

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘You won’t believe it but Amma sent me a couple of pictures on WhatsApp this morning. She wants me to select one.’

  ‘Really?’ she asked, her cheeks turning red with excitement. ‘Show them to me now!’

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked, squinting my eyes.

  ‘Why? Are they that bad?’

  ‘No, I don’t know. I haven’t seen them yet.’

  ‘Let me see them!’

  ‘Wait.’ I unlocked my phone and handed it to her. ‘Here you go. Swipe left and choose the best one for me.’

  Our hands touched as she took the phone from me, giving me butterflies in my stomach. She still had that effect on me. Blissfully unaware of the storm that raged inside me, she observed each picture with utmost attention. I looked away, my breath quickening.

  ‘I like this girl,’ she said, unconsciously putting a hand on my shoulder. ‘I think she’s cute. See?’ She flashed the picture in front of me but I couldn’t look at it. I had eyes only for her.

  ‘See? She’s cute, right?’ she asked as she shifted her eyes from the phone screen to me. I caught her gaze for a moment but did not answer her question.

  ‘Rehaan?’ she asked, her voice faltering, smile fading. ‘Do you like this girl?’

  Without averting my eyes, I slowly nodded.

  ‘I really like her,’ I admitted almost in a whisper, my eyes locked with hers.

  She looked at me uncomfortably as it became clear that I was referring to her instead of the girl in the picture. I did not know how to control my emotions. My feelings for her were transparent.

  She gulped, hesitating, and then looked away, breaking the eye contact. My attempt at making her realize which girl I was talking about seemed successful.

  ‘I think we should leave now. Here, take your phone back.’ She put the phone on the grass and stood up.

  We gathered our things and slowly walked out of the park. The atmosphere was fraught with tension and a daunting silence ensued.

  ‘Can I drop you home tonight?’ I asked her.

  ‘I can just call a taxi.’

  ‘Captain at your service, madam,’ I said, smiling.

  She smiled back at me, casting her eyes down.

  The previous camaraderie died down as soon as we sat in the car and neither of us spoke till we reached her house. I also realized this was the first time I was dropping her off at her in-laws’. I’d not seen her house since we started hanging out again.

  I slowed down the car as we reached Mallord Street.

  ‘Yeah, that’s my house,’ she said, pointing at a bungalow.

  ‘Wow, it’s beautiful,’ I said, bringing the car to a halt.

  I got out of the car and took in the serenity of the neighbourhood. It was all calm and quiet. Peaceful.

  ‘Humph. Money speaks for itself,’ I commented.

  ‘Thanks for the ride, Captain. Your fare?’ She grinned.

  ‘A smile would do,’ I said, looking at her intently.

  ‘See you, Rehaan,’ she smiled and turned around to walk away.

  ‘Zynah,’ I called out. She turned to look at me.

  ‘There’s only one place left that I’d like you to see,’ I told her.

  ‘Oh, great,’ she said.

  ‘But there might be a problem.’

  ‘Problem?’ Her frown deepened.

  ‘This place can be seen only at night.’

  ‘Night? What time?’

  ‘Around 8 or 9. Will you be able to make it?’ I asked.

  Before she could respond, someone called out her name.

  I cocked my head slightly to see who it was. Aariz.

  Zynah turned around to look at her husband.

  ‘Aariz . . .’ she said. ‘You’re here! When did you come?’

  ‘I reached half an hour ago,’ he said, as he stepped down from the porch. ‘Thought I’d surprise you.’ He reached for her hands and leaned closer until his lips found hers. He kissed her in front of me. I was devastated. Every cell in my body, every vein, my heartbeat, my breath, my entire existence burnt to ashes. I looked away, tears filling my eyes. What the hell was I doing here? I must leave as soon as possible and never come back.

  ‘Did you miss me?’ I heard Aariz ask her.

  ‘Um . . . yes,’ Zynah told him. ‘Aariz, I want you to meet someone. Rehaan!’ she called out.

  Heartbroken, I turned to look at them, my eyes moist.

  ‘Aariz, remember I told you about my school friend, Rehaan?’ Zynah said, as Aariz wrapped his arm around her waist.

  ‘Hi, Rehaan. Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Nice to meet you too,’ I said.

  ‘Zynah, you should invite Rehaan over for dinner some time.’

  ‘I will,’ Zynah said as she looked at me, nodding unconsciously.

  ‘I have an urgent call to make. You coming?’ he asked her. She nodded.

  ‘Great. See you soon, Rehaan!’ He waved at me and then walked back into the house
.

  Without uttering a single word or bidding her goodbye, I turned away and headed back to the car. I couldn’t bear to stand with her and allow her to judge my reaction because all I felt was envy.

  ‘Rehaan!’ Zynah called out but I didn’t stop. ‘I’ll be ready at 8 p.m. tomorrow. Just text me the place. I’ll be there,’ she said.

  I walked away, without looking back.

  Zynah

  I was surprised to see Aariz back from his trip so soon. My in-laws were happy to see him but I didn’t share their enthusiasm. I had even forgotten for how many days he had gone or the date of his return.

  My mind wandered to the last few days and the person who had kept me so busy that I had forgotten about Aariz and our strained relationship. He had opened a whole new world for me that I didn’t even know existed. He had again pulled me out of the dark abyss I had fallen into and made me realize that there was still hope. I had found solace and comfort in his company. Our time together was an escape from reality, our conversations a much-needed release. He made me realize how important self-worth was. Our little adventures around the city had brought us closer. With Rehaan, I was the same old Zynah again—the girl who knew how to live life to the fullest.

  I stirred my tea, these thoughts bringing a smile to my face. Everyone had retired for the day and the house was engulfed in darkness. I looked up as I saw the maid climbing down the stairs. Aariz had sent her. He was waiting for me in the room.

  The room was a mess. Boxes of all sizes and knick-knacks were sprawled across the bed. One by one, he showed me what he had got from Chicago. I looked at him and nodded from time to time but my mind was somewhere else. I was thinking about the days Rehaan and I had spent together—the splash of water as we paddled across Regent’s Canal; the gush of cold wind as we explored the streets of London on our bicycles; the pleasure of watching Rehaan swim in the pools of Hampstead Heath Park; and the calm silence that rested between us as we sat on the damp grass of the park. All of a sudden, I wanted to go back to these places and relive the moments we had created together.

  ‘So did you like your gifts?’ Aariz asked, bringing me back to the present.

  ‘Um, yeah. I did. Thanks,’ I said.

  ‘I think this black lacy top will look really good on you. Why don’t you put it on? I want to see if it fits,’ he said, handing me the piece of clothing.

  I looked at the top and then at him.

  ‘You want me to wear it now?’ I asked, raising a brow.

  ‘Yes, now . . .’ he said, leaning forward and caressing my cheeks. His touch did nothing for me. Gone were the days when my heartbeat accelerated by only looking at his face.

  ‘Aariz,’ I interrupted him. ‘I . . . I’ll wear this some other day. I am feeling really tired right now. In fact, you should also rest. It must have been a long day for you,’ I told him, pushing his hand away.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, let’s call it a night.’ I turned around and walked towards the bed.

  The next day, I waited impatiently for Aariz to leave for work. Rehaan had still not texted me the place and time and I looked at my phone every few minutes. Would we continue to meet after today, I wondered. Would Rehaan make a new itinerary or would I have to look for excuses to see him?

  I had told Aariz about the plan and to remove any suspicion from his mind had also extended the invitation to him. But he had refused, giving work as the reason. His disinterest in my life did not affect me any more. Maybe things would have been different if we had a ‘normal’ relationship. Maybe he would have even objected to my meeting male friends.

  Thankfully, my in-laws were also going out for a dinner party and wouldn’t be back before midnight. I was beginning to enjoy this new-found freedom.

  As evening approached, I decided to get ready. My phone beeped as I stepped out of the shower. I rushed to read the new message, thinking it might be from Rehaan. It wasn’t. I dialled his number. There was no response. I tried again, but he didn’t answer. Finally, after a few seconds, my phone screen flashed again. It was him.

  Hey! I’m sorry but we have to cancel today’s plan. I’m on a date with a very pretty girl. Tinder does work after all. I’ll catch you tomorrow.

  Blood rushed to my cheeks as I read his message. I felt jealous. He had chosen some random girl over me. How dare he? Was he trying to take revenge? I knew what the reason was. Aariz’s sudden appearance and his display of affection had made Rehaan envious. A person like him could never mature or control his emotions. He was still the same. Feeling disappointed, I took the car keys and headed out to Soniya’s place. I made a mental note to not meet him ever again. But the next day, when he called me, I couldn’t say no. Though I was still quite angry, I did not express it. He asked me to meet him at the London Eye at 7 p.m.

  I reached the London Eye right on time. When leaving home, I left my car and took the Tube. I knew if I did that, Rehaan would drop me back. On the way, I kept thinking of Rehaan and really looked forward to meeting him.

  The London Eye stood magnificently against the sky filled with bright, blinking stars. I’d taken the ride of the giant Ferris wheel a lot of times but never with Rehaan.

  I sent him a text as soon as I arrived and waited for his reply. It was a busy day, several tourists and locals had gathered for the beautiful experience. While I was watching the merry faces, a tap on my shoulder startled me. I turned around to see that it was Rehaan.

  ‘Hey,’ I said, my cheeks flushed with excitement. I couldn’t deny the fact that I had missed him.

  ‘Hey,’ he said.

  ‘You’re late.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. Was caught up with work.’

  ‘So . . . err . . . how was your date last night?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, yeah, it was good,’ he said, nodding.

  ‘How was the girl?’ I asked nonchalantly.

  ‘Pretty. In fact, very pretty!’ he said dreamily.

  ‘Really? Well, good for you,’ I said, flashing a fake smile.

  ‘Let’s see how it goes.’ He shrugged.

  I felt a jab of envy.

  ‘Okay, so you wait here. I’ll go get our tickets for the ride.’

  ‘Ride? Are we going up there?’

  ‘Yeah, it’ll be fun.’ He patted my shoulder before walking towards the ticket counter.

  The conversation had made me sulky. He should have invited that girl if he liked her so much. Why did he invite me?

  ‘Let’s go,’ he announced, flashing the tickets.

  I followed Rehaan to the queue which was filled with people of all kinds, all straining their necks to catch a view of the big wheel above them. Rehaan skirted the queue and we went through another entrance. He showed our tickets to the security personnel and after a short wait, we were ushered to a capsule in the wheel. To my amazement, we had the entire capsule to ourselves.

  ‘Wow. That was quick,’ I told him as the doors to our capsule shut. ‘Did you get us a private capsule?’

  He nodded as he looked at me, his hands resting on the railing.

  ‘Nice.’ I nodded, looking out of the glass windows. I had seen this view before but each time I marvelled at how breathtaking the city looked from the London Eye. John Legend sang ‘All of Me’ softly in the background.

  ‘I know you must have been here a lot of times. I just wanted you to see the city at night. It looks so peaceful right now, so beautiful,’ he said, standing close to me.

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered, as I glanced at him. ‘It really does.’

  ‘Zynah,’ he said, his eyes boring into mine. ‘Whenever I feel lonely, I come here.’

  ‘You’re not lonely,’ I told him, giving him a sidelong glance.

  ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked in a low whisper, his breath caressing my skin. Till then, I had not realized how close we were standing.

  ‘You have a girlfriend now,’ I said.

  He stared into my eyes for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. />
  ‘What happened? I wasn’t joking.’

  ‘She’s not my girlfriend, Zynah. In fact, I don’t have one.’

  ‘But you just met someone yesterday and liked her.’

  ‘I was lying. I didn’t go out on any date.’

  ‘What? Why did you lie and cancel our plan then?’

  ‘Well, uh . . .’ He thought for a few seconds. ‘I don’t know. It’s really . . . really complicated.’

  ‘Tell me, Rehaan! I want an answer. If you weren’t busy yesterday, why did you cancel our plan?’

  ‘Because I didn’t want to face you!’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘I was jealous!’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Of your closeness with Aariz. I couldn’t stand his arm around your waist and his lips on yours . . . I was pissed off.’

  I pursed my lips as I took in his words. I didn’t know what to say.

  ‘But you know what, Zynah? You were right. I don’t feel lonely any more because I have someone in my life. Someone who is always there for me. . .’

  What was he implying?

  ‘That someone is you.’

  ‘Rehaan . . .’ I blurted out.

  ‘Aren’t you with me?’ he asked before I could finish.

  ‘I am,’ I said, reassuring him.

  He chuckled.

  ‘What?’ I asked, amused at his reaction.

  ‘Are you really with me, Zynah?’ he asked, his expression becoming serious. There was no hint of amusement on his face.

  ‘Yes,’ I replied confidently.

  ‘Sure?’ He took another step towards me, shortening the distance between us.

  I nodded, looking into his eyes. Behind us, the Ferris wheel continued to rotate slowly, offering stunning views of the city. He slowly took my hand in his and leaned forward. My breath quickened.

  ‘The truth is . . . you were never with me, Zynah. You never belonged to me. You weren’t with me yesterday and you won’t be with me tomorrow. The only thing we have is this moment right now,’ he whispered slowly against my lips, caressing my cheek with the back of his hand. ‘Only this moment.’

  Oddly, his touch aroused me. For the first time I saw him in a new light. Not as a friend, but as someone who made my heartbeat quicken, who made me go weak in my knees, who sent a shiver down my spine. He held my hand, entwining our fingers together. I closed my eyes to feel the warmth of his touch.