Someone Else's Ocean

by Kate Stewart

  “Ian, there’s no one around, it’s okay.”

  “Fuck, it’s so not okay.” He pulled the towel away. Devastated, tear-filled eyes met mine. “The day I found out was the day I showed up here. I lost it. I totally fucking lost it.”

  I held my breath, unable to believe what he was telling me.

  “The minute I found out I was going to be a father I felt like something clicked. It wasn’t planned, I’d only been dating Tara for months, but it didn’t matter. It was the greatest moment of my life and now I feel like it was a lie and it was. It’s been taken from me.”

  He shook his head, his face coated in disbelief and hurt. “Koti, that little girl’s first sign was daddy, and it meant everything to me. I’ve been there for every single step, every hurt, every heartbreak, every milestone—she’s my whole fucking life.” He shuddered as he tried to stifle his cries and more tears spilled from his eyes. The ache to touch him ripped through me as I inched forward, and he shook his head. “Don’t, please,” his misery paralyzed me as despair trailed down his face and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. “I know firsthand how much blood doesn’t matter. I know, I have an adopted brother. It means nothing to our relationship. Adam is my brother in every sense of the word. But I can’t help it, I feel like I’ve been robbed.”

  “I understand, I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

  “I do. It’s wrong thinking. Because I think other things too. I could’ve done things so differently. Married differently, and I know how wrong it is to think that way, I know it, but I feel robbed of years where I had choices and maybe could have had a different life.”

  “That’s the twenty-two-year-old pissed off you talking, and you have the right to be furious about that. You’re mourning what could have been if she hadn’t lied to you. You could be living a totally different life right now.”

  “Ella became my life and I don’t regret it, I probably would have married Tara anyway. I’m just… I still have my little girl, that’s all that matters.” For the first time and in front of me, he bled freely as I sat shocked and leaned in to whisper.

  “She is yours in every way, you know that.”

  He nodded several times in agreement. “I know, I’m just fucking wrecked. I can’t believe it, after all these years. How could she do that to me? When I devoted my life to her, to them both… how?”

  “Daddy!” Ella called as we both snapped our heads in her direction. “Watch!”

  He nodded as she picked Disco up and her paws started frantically moving before the wave swept through. “See? She’s surfing!”

  Ian and I nodded as she pranced away with her new prize tucked in her arms.

  “Fuck,” Ian said, wiping his face. I felt his raw heart bleed between us, helpless to come up with the right words.

  “I don’t know what to say. What she’s done is unforgivable. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be, I can’t be sorry. I refuse to do this pity party shit any longer, I have her,” he said as he nodded toward where Ella stood in the ocean, a picture of health and happiness. “I have her.”

  “She is beautiful, kind, well-mannered and has a heart of gold. I’m so taken with her already. You have every reason to be proud.”

  Worry creased his brow. “Her mother is threatening to tell her the truth. She’s back with the asshole who fathered her.”

  “Jesus, really?”

  He nodded, and fear replaced devastation. “I don’t know what this is going to mean. She’s just turned fifteen years old, so it could result in an ugly custody battle if Tara presses it. And I can’t find it in me to be civil to her long enough to discuss it.”

  “I know I’m prying, but will you tell me why you burned all those photos and kept the letter?”

  “I didn’t keep it.” He sat back and ran a hand down his face before his eyes met mine. “I hadn’t used that luggage since I left her. I’m assuming she put it in there while I was packing the day I told her I was leaving and I’ve only just found it. She didn’t want the divorce and I assume she stuck it in my suitcase to try to stir up some nostalgia for feelings that hadn’t been there in over a decade.” He took a long sip of his beer. “It was just another attempt at manipulation. I found it while rifling through my bag the night I came to stay with you. I did read it. And all it did was prove what a fucking idiot I was to feel that way about her in the first place.”

  He shook his head in aggravation. “It’s just that she played me so well. She played me, and I let her because I loved her so fucking much. And then she broke me… twice.”

  I ignored the sting in my chest though I had no right to be jealous of his ex-wife. “You did love her.”

  He gave me a sharp nod. We sat watching the commotion around us before he spoke again. “I’m not entirely proud of the way I’ve behaved. She phoned weeks ago and I told her I never loved her.”

  “You lied to hurt her?”

  He nodded. “I did. I loved her so much that my disappointment killed me when she didn’t turn out to be the woman I thought she was. She doesn’t deserve to know and will never know the extent of my love.”

  I stayed mute, too afraid to lose the rest of his confession.

  “She…” he swallowed, “when we found out about Ella’s disability, Tara’s behavior ruined our relationship. It’s really that simple. She wouldn’t accept the fact that Ella wasn’t a candidate for getting cochlear implants. Her attitude just completely ruined her for me. She acted as if we had a defective baby and refused to learn how to sign until every last specialist had told her there was no chance. I couldn’t understand Tara then, I felt like I had married someone else. It ruined us and because I felt so strongly about it, I let it ruin us. I couldn’t forgive her, and I never looked at her the same way again.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I stayed married, but it was pointless. After a few years, we were two zombies and our marriage the apocalypse. But I stayed with her for Ella’s sake, until I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “For a majority of your marriage?”

  “Well over a decade,” he said before taking a long pull of his beer, his eyes on Ella.

  “No wonder you don’t want to risk going through that again. I hate that I’m saying this, but as your friend, I totally understand why you don’t want to get involved.”

  “And what about the woman I’m sleeping with?” he asked, eyeing me intently. “What would she say?

  “I don’t think she can fault you either.”

  He leaned in as if to kiss me and then glanced Ella’s way.

  “I can’t blame you for being selfish about your freedom, Ian. I really do understand. But I hope you know if it came down to a custody battle, Ella would choose you. She would. I have no doubts.”

  He nodded. “I pray she does.”

  “You fight, you fucking fight her so hard. I’m having a terrible time believing a judge would ever grant her full custody based on a lie she kept up for fifteen years! Did she tell you purposefully to hurt you?”

  “No, it was a coincidence I found out. She could have pulled that at any time, but she didn’t. I think she knew it would destroy me. But now that I’ve found out and she’s with Daniel, I think she wants to use paternity as an excuse to bring that fucker closer to Ella. Not only that, it seems like she wants me to be okay with it.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with her?!”

  “I know it’s screwed up. Let’s…” he shook his head sighing, “let’s let this go for now.”

  “Why?”

  His grin at me seemed out of place. “Because you’re yelling.”

  “I’m pissed for you!”

  “I can tell.”

  “She’s a horrible person!”

  He nodded. “Seems to be the case.”

  “If she was here, I don’t think I could hold myself back from beating the dog shit out of her!”

  He gave me a beautiful grin. “So, this is the angry New Yorker? Cut
e.”

  “What a bitch!”

  “Come on, Koti,” he said, brushing some hair away from my face. “Let’s drop it.”

  “Okay… okay, fine. But for the record, I hate your ex-wife.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  I pressed my lips together as the hairs rose on the back of my neck. It took me three beers to calm down.

  “Easy killer,” Ian said as I finished my beer, taking healthy gulps. “You know sun-drunk is not fun.”

  “I’m aware.” I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as he chuckled.

  “Such a lady. Still mad?”

  “Yes.” Reaching out I ran my palm down his jaw. “But I’m glad you told me.”

  “Me too.”

  I frowned as I looked at my chipped blue toes. “I owe you an apology. On the beach that day. When I threw that sand ball at your head. I told you we didn’t need you reproducing your kind of crazy. I’m sorry for that.”

  “Koti, I’ve been such an asshole, I deserved much worse from you.” He reached out and gripped the back of my head, pulling me forward and kissed me on the temple and then chanced a kiss on my lips.

  “Thank you,” he said softly. “For listening, for being upset for me, and for understanding.”

  I sighed as Ian popped the top on two fresh beers and handed one to me. “What a mess we are, crocky.” I clinked my bottleneck to his.

  “Rather be in the thick of the mess with you, puffer fish.”

  He brushed his knuckles along my thigh and I leaned into his touch.

  “Ian?”

  “Mmm?” We both got lost in the contact as my breathing picked up and his eyes pooled with desire watching my reaction to him.

  I licked my lips. “Try my door tonight.”

  Sometime after midnight, I heard the click of my bedroom door followed by the lock. My body tensed as the covers were slowly pulled away from my waiting skin. I was on fire with need and already moaning before his lips brushed my ankle. I spread at his urging while the low rumble of his commands filled the room. He sank between my thighs, his eager tongue lapping up my arousal as I gripped the sheets next to me. We’d spent the majority of our dinner eye-fucking each other until it became too much, and I was forced to step away from the table. When Ella offered to take Disco for a walk, Ian had cornered me at the kitchen sink, biting into my shoulder and brushing his cock along my back with promising words.

  “Fuck,” Ian said pushing into me, I was dripping as he drove his way in, forcing us both to stifle our moans as I scratched at his back. “Easy,” he whispered as he drove in again, his control lost a second later when I spoke.

  “Fuck me.” Gripping him closer, I crossed my legs around his back spreading wider.

  “You’re perfect,” he grunted out before pulling me to ride his lap.

  Moonlight shone just enough through the window to allow me to see his eager lips close around my nipple. A light shadow crossed over his face, his eyes closed as he sucked hard. The sight of it had me riding him harder before he gripped my wrists to slow me down.

  “We’ve got all night. We are taking all night.”

  Helpless without the ability to cling to him, he forced me to gain the friction I needed by pumping my hips. That led to a whole new kind of ecstasy for us both. Our breaths came out fast, bodies covered in sweat and lust, we worked ourselves into a frenzy until he let go of my wrists and we collided, hard. Time didn’t exist, though we stole those moments and breathed for only the other. Our bodies molded in the most beautiful way as he took away my fears and I absorbed his hurts.

  “You’re still dangerous,” he whispered before we collapsed in a heap, our mouths refusing to separate until the moon disappeared and the stars faded into the morning sky.

  Ella’s glee-filled shriek warmed my heart as she pulled out her gift. “Thank you, Koti!”

  “You’re welcome. I got a set too so we can snorkel together, and I got one for you too.” Koti tossed the bag my way.

  “Thank you,” I said, pulling the mask from the package.

  “Welcome,” Koti said, an intimate smile passed between us for a split second before she addressed Ella. “Your fins are on the porch.” Ella raced to the screen door, letting it smack closed. I yanked Koti to me and kissed her soundly on the mouth, sucking on her lower lip before I kissed her just long enough to thank her properly.

  “Every day you’re getting worse. You’re going to blow our cover.”

  The truth was, I couldn’t help myself. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t resist her. That need was a far cry from the only one I had the day I’d landed on that island. Then I only wanted isolation, now it was hard to imagine being there without her.

  She was dangerous for me in every way. I was addicted to her warmth, her kiss, her body.

  Not only that, the more time she spent with Ella, the more I was drawn to her. She didn’t treat her like a kid, but a friend, which I respected. She wanted no part of authority and respected those boundaries as well. After her first few days in St. Thomas, Ella made it impossible for Koti to feel left out. She refused to do anything without her. Their fast bond made Ella’s trip much easier to manage. I didn’t constantly have the need to cater to one or the other. If I was honest, it was one of the best times I’d had with Ella. Our first vacation away from Texas just us, father and daughter, a new definition of family.

  Except Koti really wasn’t a part of it, so she played friend to both of us. I couldn’t help but get a little sentimental at the sight of Koti when she slid on her mask.

  “Now there is a familiar sight.”

  She grinned and pushed her chest out. “Except this time, I have miss tits.”

  I groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

  She bounced from flipper to flipper. “You were all hot and bothered over my mother then, ewww.”

  “Hey, she was a retired supermodel and I was fourteen, sue me.”

  “Whatever happened to your chipped tooth?”

  “The miracle of modern dentistry.”

  “You should have kept it, you were a lot cuter with it.”

  “Was I?”

  “Your freckles are gone too, shame, and a lot of your accent. I would say I improved and you went downhill.” Throwing my head back, I laughed as Ella came barreling through the front door with her flippers attached.

  “Let’s go!”

  We all made our way down to the beach as Disco avoided the water, barking at the tide. After a day of sun and snorkeling, the girls settled by a fresh fire I constructed, marshmallows roasting.

  “This is the life. That’s how you say it right, Koti?”

  “Yes. That’s exactly how you say it.”

  “I wish I lived here,” Ella piped. “Do you ever get tired of it?”

  “Never. And I’ll never leave.”

  “Do you ever go back to the States?”

  “Technically, St. Thomas is the US.”

  “You know what I mean,” Ella snorted.

  “I haven’t yet. I’m not a fan of flying, but I will.”

  “Will you come see me at my new school?”

  I slashed the air with my hand, my eyes all warning and Ella went immediately on the defensive.

  “Sorry, Dad, but I like her. She’s my friend too. And you could let her sleep at our house since she let us stay with her all this time.”

  A moment of uncomfortable silence passed before I spoke up.

  “True. Koti, you’re welcome to come to Texas anytime.”

  “Thanks,” she said, with a laugh due to my discomfort. She’d been true to her word and hadn’t made any part of our situation awkward. A part of me hoped our time together meant more to her than a fling because it was becoming the case for me, but I knew I couldn’t have it both ways.

  “Or we could come back here, right Daddy? I’m sure Grandma won’t mind.”

  “Right.” I stared at the fire as the girls stuffed their mouths with s’mores and compared their chocolate-covered fa
ces. I gazed at my daughter who was the perfect picture of innocence and the woman who sat next to her, who didn’t deserve the shit cards she was dealt but looked just as pure sitting next to her. Inwardly I sighed as I snuffed out the fire and followed them in the house. Our nightly book club had begun, but it seemed I was the only one serious about reading as they giggled back and forth comparing notes about Outlander while snacking on grapes.

  “Jamieeeee,” Ella snorted. “He’s so hot.”

  “He totally is,” Koti said, with far too much enthusiasm for my taste.

  After several minutes of listening to their fawning over a fictional man, I lowered my book and gave them a pointed look. “Would you two shut up.” I picked up my novel in an attempt to resume my reading. A second later, I was smacked in the head with a fistful of grapes. I glared over at the two of them who feigned innocence and hid my grin behind my book.

  STEVIE NICKS SANG “EDGE OF Seventeen” as I pulled into the small parking lot singing along at the top of my lungs. Banion greeted me with his usual thousand-watt smile. “Yank, you look fresh.”

  “Not from the boat?”

  “Nope, you’ve finally got the island glow.”

  “Finally, huh?”

  “Yep, or something else making you happy. You got a new man?”

  “Nope.” And that was the truth of it. “New friend. And I’ve known him since I was a kid.”

  “Oh well, he gay?”

  I laughed through my reply. “No.”

  “Well, then he’s a blind yank. You were bones when ya got here.”

  “I know.”

  “All fixed up then?”

  I nodded, my smile disappearing. “My parents came and went.”

  He looked me over, his skin darker from days of endless sun. “Not such a good time?”

  “Not at all.”

  He shrugged. “Things happen the way they are supposed to happen, nothing you can do.”