The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Ben smiled weakly. ‘She really is.’

  ‘I know, Benji, I know. Now come on, try to drink a little water.’

  Once again, Ben retched.

  ‘When you get over this, we’re going to need to fatten you up. From now on I’m telling Awate we need meat. Feck the vegetarian shit. The soldiers all get meat but we don’t. It’s bullshit. We need a better diet.’

  ‘Stop talking about food.’ Ben clutched his stomach, was sick again and then fell into a fitful sleep.

  When Ben woke up, Segen was kneeling beside him, mopping the sweat from his brow. Unable to speak English, she smiled at him and patted his head. Yonas sat on his other side, clearly concerned.

  Ben smiled at her and said, ‘Thank you.’ As another crippling cramp overcame him, Declan stormed into the tent, followed by Awate.

  Segen and Yonas jumped up as their leader stood over Ben, examining him with his eyes.

  ‘You can see he’s in a bad way and I want to hook him up to a saline drip,’ Declan said.

  ‘We don’t have much left. I need it for the soldiers. We will wait until tomorrow and see how he is. Ben is a strong man. He will fight this, I am sure.’ Leaning down towards Ben, he said, ‘You will be okay, Ben.’

  ‘He’s not a strong man. He’s a weakened man because of the shit food you give us. We’ve both lost tons of weight, and if you want us to continue saving your soldiers’ lives, you need to feed us properly.’

  ‘You are treated well here,’ Awate snapped. ‘You should not complain.’

  ‘Fine, but if we faint during a surgery, don’t blame us, blame the fucking lentils,’ Declan retorted angrily.

  Ben raised his hand to calm Declan down.

  ‘Ben will be okay,’ Awate repeated.

  ‘He’d better be, because if anything happens to him, I’ll kill you.’

  Awate glared at him. ‘You should be careful, Mr Irish. Threatening me is a very dangerous thing to do.’

  ‘He’s had no sleep, Awate. He’s stressed and tired. Let it go,’ Ben said. ‘Now can you all please stop talking? I need some rest.’

  Five days later, Ben was still barely able to hold down water and was very weak. Declan never left his side. Ben woke up one night to find Declan kneeling beside him, whispering, ‘When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall, always.’

  Ben smiled. ‘That’s very powerful.’

  Declan looked up, surprised. ‘I thought you were asleep.’

  ‘Is it Gandhi?’

  ‘Yes. My da used to quote it all the time. Whenever anything bad happened, which was quite often in our house, Da would sit us down and make us say it.’

  ‘He sounds like an amazing man. I’m looking forward to having a pint with him in Dublin.’

  Declan looked at his friend. Ben’s cheekbones now jutted out through his emaciated face. Declan began to cry.

  ‘Hey, it’s going to be okay. Come on now.’

  ‘Just get better, you bastard. You are not leaving me alone with these freaks.’

  ‘If anything does happen, you make sure you get out of here alive. I want Alice and the girls to get my letters. You know where they’re hidden. Promise me, Declan?’ Ben tried to lift his head, but he was too weak.

  ‘I promise. Now shut up and drink some water.’

  Ben tried, but once again his stomach heaved and he vomited instantly.

  Declan wiped Ben’s brow with a cool cloth and held his hand as Ben drifted into fitful sleep.

  Holly: June 2014

  Mummy has a boyfriend. I feel very strange about it. I’m happy for her, but I’m also really sad. His name is Dan and she’s been out with him four times. She hasn’t said much about him, but she seems much happier already.

  Jools decided to ask her about him because she wanted to know what was going on. We both do. Jools is calmer about it than me. She says Mummy deserves to have a life, but I’m scared she’ll forget Daddy. Jools said I’m being ridiculous, but she looked sad when I said it.

  When Mummy came home after she’d been to the cinema with Dan, we were still up, chatting to Kevin. ‘How was your date, Mum?’ Jools asked.

  ‘Fine, thanks.’ She looked away.

  ‘When are we going to meet him?’ Jools wanted to know.

  ‘Well … I …’ Mummy looked at me and I tried really hard not to go all red, but I couldn’t help it.

  ‘I want you to be happy, Mummy. Really I do.’ But my voice was a bit wobbly.

  Mummy came over to me and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back.

  ‘I’ll always, always, always love your dad. He was the best man in the world and he gave me you two.’

  I felt calmer then because I knew she wasn’t forgetting him.

  ‘Kevin said that Dan is super-rich and lives in a mansion in Holland Park,’ Jools said.

  Mummy glared at Kevin. ‘Did he? Well, none of that matters. Dan is a nice, kind person and that’s what’s important.’

  ‘Does he know you have two fabulous daughters?’ Jools asked.

  ‘Of course he does. I talk about you all the time. You’re my pride and joy.’

  ‘Don’t talk about them too much – you don’t want to scare him off.’ Kevin winked at us.

  ‘Actually, Dan has a daughter too, Stella. She’s twenty-three.’

  ‘Is he, like, really old?’ Jools asked.

  ‘He’s fifty-two.’ I could see Mummy felt a bit strange talking about him. She was sort of wriggling about in her chair.

  Kevin said it was time for him to go, and I heard Mummy scolding him in the hall. ‘Why on earth did you tell them Dan was rich? I don’t want them to know anything about him. We’ve only been out four times.’

  ‘The girls aren’t stupid, Alice. They can see that you’re happier. They’re worried about it. They need you to talk to them. Did you see Holly’s face when you reassured her that you’d never forget Ben? She almost passed out with relief. She was scared that Dan was going to take his place or something.’

  ‘But it’s only been four dates!’

  ‘I know, but for them it’s not about Dan or how many times you’ve gone out with him. It’s that they can see you’re moving on with your life. You’re coming out of your limbo and moving forward. It’s frightening for them – they’re worried that you’re moving on from their dad too.’

  Mummy’s voice got all shaky and she said, ‘How can I forget Ben? Jesus, Kevin, he was my whole life. I’ve been to Hell and back. I’m just having fun and Dan is … He’s lovely and he treats me so well and he’s so nice to me and I like it. I like feeling like a person again and I like feeling alive again. But I’ll dump him tomorrow if the girls want me to. I’d never go out with someone if it made them unhappy. Never.’

  ‘Hey, now, calm down. They just needed you to talk about it and tell them that you’d never forget Ben, which you did. It was all you needed to say. It’s fine, Alice.’

  ‘I’d never put a man before my girls. You know that, Kevin. Do you really think it’s okay? The girls are my priority, nothing and no one else.’

  Jools pushed past me and walked out to the hall. ‘Mum, stop freaking out. We’re fine. We want you to have a life. We know you love Dad and us, but sitting around being sad all the time isn’t good for you. Go out with Dan – seriously, go for it.’

  ‘You weren’t supposed to hear this conversation but thank you, darling.’ Mummy hugged Jools, then saw me over her shoulder. ‘Are you really okay about this, Holly? I don’t ever have to see him again if you’re not. Your happiness is all I care about.’

  I went over and put my arms around Mummy and Jools. ‘I am, Mummy, I promise. I know Daddy will always be here.’ I pointed to her heart and Mummy blinked back tears.

  Alice: July 2014

  Dan wanted to meet the girls, and Alice agreed so he wouldn’t seem like some big shadow loomin
g at the edge of their lives. She checked with the girls first, then accepted his invitation to lunch. She felt it would be easier if the meeting took place somewhere else. She didn’t want to bring Dan into their home just yet. She worried that if he called round, the girls might feel more pressure to like him. This way, they could get to know him on neutral territory. It was still very early in the relationship and Alice didn’t want them to think things were serious. They weren’t serious – they hadn’t even had sex yet. She kept putting it off.

  But they had kissed, and it had been wonderful. After their fourth date, outside the cinema, she’d been talking about the movie when Dan had just leant in and kissed her. Alice had felt her whole body melt. She didn’t want the kiss to end. They stood on Kensington High Street, in front of all the people leaving the cinema, and snogged like teenagers.

  When Alice had eventually pulled back, Dan had groaned. ‘Don’t stop.’

  Alice giggled. ‘I need air. I can only breathe through my nose for so long.’

  Dan pulled her in and buried his face in her hair. ‘Please tell me you’re coming back to my place for some really great sex.’

  Alice shook her head. She wasn’t ready for sex. Her body was – in fact, her body was screaming out for sex with Dan right now. But her mind wasn’t. She kept thinking about Ben. How could she have sex with someone else? What about Ben? Yes, he was dead, but still … It would feel wrong, weird, guilty.

  Besides, she was scared. She hadn’t had sex with another man for so many years. What if she was bad at it? Sex with Ben had always been good. Their bodies knew each other – they knew how to turn each other on. What if she was terrible at it with Dan?

  ‘Is there any point in me begging?’ Dan asked.

  ‘Sorry, just not ready yet,’ Alice muttered into his shoulder.

  Dan pulled her head back gently and looked into her eyes. ‘Hey, it’s all right, I understand. Can I kiss you again, though?’

  Alice put her hands up and pulled him in for another long, sensual kiss.

  Kevin called in an hour before the lunch with Dan to help calm everyone’s nerves. Nora was busy cleaning the kitchen, and when Kevin walked in, she pointed to the ceiling and said, ‘That one’s up to ninety about the big introduction. You’d better go up there and work your magic on her.’

  Kevin grinned. ‘Well, isn’t it great she’s met someone?’

  ‘I’m happy for her – sure it’s lovely to see her smile again. I just hope he’s a good man. She’ll be hard pressed to find someone as good as Ben. He was a true gentleman.’

  ‘You’re right, Nora,’ Kevin said. ‘But Dan seems nice, and so far it’s going well.’

  ‘Sure it’s early days. You can’t know a fella this quick.’

  ‘True. How are the girls?’

  ‘Grand. Holly seems a bit worried but sure that poor child would worry about the grass growing. Poor little mite. I told her it was only a bit of lunch and she wasn’t to be getting herself into a knot about it.’

  ‘You always know the right thing to say. You’ve been so great through all this.’

  Nora blushed and wagged a finger at him. ‘Now don’t you go using your flattery on me. I have the measure of you.’

  Kevin laughed. ‘Better than anyone, Nora.’

  Nora looked around quickly to check no one was coming, then went over to her handbag and took out a Sunday supplement.

  ‘What’s this?’ Kevin said, curious.

  ‘I saw it in my local café and put it in my bag,’ she said quietly. ‘Look! It’s the multi-millionaire himself, in all his glory.’

  Kevin grabbed the magazine. ‘Wow, a profile on Dan.’ He scanned through it quickly. ‘Anything interesting?’

  ‘Self-made, wife ditched him for her tennis coach, one kid and a lot of jetting about the world buying things. Needs a good woman to make him settle down, I’d say.’

  Kevin smiled. Nora was always hard to impress.

  ‘Mind you, I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of him,’ she added. ‘Sounds like he’s got to where he is by being a bit cut-throat when he needed to be.’

  ‘Really?’ Kevin was intrigued. ‘Well, I suppose you don’t make it in business like he has without breaking a few rules.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Nora said. ‘I just hope he’s not going to hurt our Alice. If he does, he’ll have me to answer to.’

  ‘We’ll keep an eye on her. Will you leave the article here so I can read it when they’re gone?’ Kevin said.

  Nora nodded. ‘You get her out the door and then we’ll have a nice cup of tea and a good read.’

  ‘You’re on,’ Kevin said, then headed upstairs to see how Alice was getting on.

  Alice, as Nora had said, was wound up and stressed out at the thought of the two families meeting. Kevin sat on the edge of the bath, trying to calm her down.

  ‘What if they hate him?’ she asked, for the tenth time.

  Kevin sighed. ‘They won’t. You said he’s a great guy.’

  Alice wiped her lipstick off and rummaged around in her bag for a different colour. ‘He is great, but he’s not Ben.’

  ‘The girls know that, Alice. They’re not stupid.’

  Alice smacked her lips together, then wiped off the second lipstick. ‘I’m just worried. It seems too soon. We’ve only been seeing each other for six weeks.’

  ‘The girls can see that he means something to you. It’s obvious, Alice. You’re all glowy and skittish.’

  ‘Skittish?’

  ‘Yes. You’re constantly smiling, full of fun and just happy. Even the patients have noticed. You’re like the old Alice and we’re all glad for you.’

  Alice turned to face him. Twisting a tissue between her hands, she said, ‘I’m beginning to feel like the old me again and it’s really nice, but every time I catch myself being happy, I feel guilty.’

  Kevin stood up and went over to her. ‘Alice, you deserve to be happy. No one wants you to be sad for the next forty years. The girls want you to be happy too. Stop feeling guilty and enjoy it. You’ve had a rotten time so embrace the good stuff when it happens.’

  ‘Do you really think the girls are okay about meeting Dan?’

  ‘Yes! They want to and it’ll stop it being this big deal. It’ll normalize things. They just need to see that he’s nice and that he’s not trying to take you away or replace their dad.’

  ‘He’ll never replace Ben. Nor would he want to. Dan understands what it’s like to lose someone. I think he’ll be good with the girls because he has a daughter he adores.’ Alice tied her hair up, then took it down again. ‘God, I hope they like him.’

  ‘I’m sure they will. What’s not to like? He’s a multi-millionaire who seems to be obsessed with you, judging by the amount of calls you get every day and the gigantic bouquets of flowers that are constantly being delivered to the surgery.’

  Alice smiled. ‘Dan does everything in super-size. Even the restaurant today – it’s really upmarket. I asked him to book somewhere casual, but he insisted that we go to La Gourmande. He wants to treat us all. He’s very generous.’

  ‘So kick back and enjoy letting someone look after you.’

  ‘I find it hard to let go. I’m so used to doing everything that it seems strange not to have to make decisions. I’m turning into a control freak – I was actually a bit annoyed that he ignored my advice about going casual. But I must say, it is nice to have someone doing lovely things for you.’

  ‘It sounds like Heaven. I wish Axel was more like Dan. I’d love to be taken care of. His father has cut his allowance off, so now I’m supporting him. I’ve realized he’s actually lazy and has no interest in getting a real job. He just wants to do endless courses and keeps coming up with ridiculous new careers he wants to try. He came home last night and announced he wants to be a fitness instructor. The guy is so lazy, he barely gets out of bed.’

  ‘Maybe it’s time to have “the talk”,’ Alice suggested. Kevin had been giving out about Axel daily for the
last three months. Their relationship was clearly over and Alice was glad. Axel wasn’t good enough for Kevin. Her brother deserved better. She desperately wanted him to meet a good man who would really love him and be there for him.

  Kevin picked up the nail scissors and trimmed a stray bit of his designer stubble. ‘I know I should break up with him but I don’t have the energy. I will soon, though. All we do is argue and sex is non-existent.’

  ‘A bit like me and Dan!’ Alice smiled.

  ‘You’re going to have to get on your back soon.’ Kevin wagged a finger at her. ‘A man like Dan isn’t going to be happy holding hands and snogging for much longer.’

  Alice covered her face with her hands. ‘I’m just not there yet. But I do find him very sexy. I actually want to have sex with him, I’m just scared. I haven’t had sex with anyone but Ben in so long.’

  ‘Sex is sex. Just get drunk and put that man out of his misery. Don’t let him go, Alice. He’s been such a positive force in your life. Besides, I’ve got used to the lovely flowers in the surgery and seeing you smile again.’

  Kevin was right. Alice knew he was. It was just a matter of being brave and taking the plunge.

  Holly: July 2014

  Mummy was very nervous about us meeting Dan for lunch. She kept saying, ‘If you don’t like him, I’ll never see him again,’ and ‘He’s never going to replace your dad,’ and ‘He’s really just a friend …’

  Eventually Jools lost her temper and shouted, ‘Will you just relax? It’ll be fine.’

  But, really, we were all nervous – even Jools was jittery. Mummy told us that Dan’s daughter, Stella, was coming. Mummy hadn’t met Stella before, so I think she was worried about that too.

  When we arrived at the restaurant they were waiting for us. I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until Jools nudged me. ‘Breathe or you’ll pass out.’

  I let out a big puff of air.

  ‘He’s not nearly as good-looking as Dad,’ Jools whispered.

  Dan isn’t handsome like Daddy. He’s smaller, but he does have nice blue eyes.