The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Totally. Everyone is talking about you and your amazing escape and how brave you are and the girls think you’re really hot – for a dad – and the boys think you’re a hero. It’s kind of cool, actually.’

  ‘I’m glad I’ve raised your “cool” status in school.’

  Jools flicked the television on. ‘My “cool” status was already sky high. You’ve just made me more intreeking.’

  Ben laughed. He had sorely missed Jools and her mispronunciation. It was wonderful to hear it again. ‘Do you need help with your homework?’ he asked.

  ‘Does Victoria Beckham eat lettuce? Of course I do. But can we just watch one episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians first?’

  Ben was happy enough to put off having to do Jools’s homework with her. He still felt very tired. A kind of tiredness he hadn’t felt in captivity, a tiredness deep in his bones.

  The programme started. A lot of girls with long black hair and far too much make-up were sitting around eating.

  ‘You’d better fill me in. What’s going on and who are these people?’

  ‘The Kardashians are like the American royal family.’

  ‘Really? Who’s their father? Some politician?’

  ‘No, Kim, Khloé, Kourtney and Rob’s dad was a lawyer. He defended some crazy sports guy who killed his wife but then he got off because his gloves were too small or something.’

  ‘O. J. Simpson?’

  ‘Yeah, I think that’s his name. Anyway, his lawyer, Robert Kardashian, was their father, but Kendall and Kylie’s dad is Bruce Jenner. He was in the Olympics or something, I don’t really know – he wants to be a woman now. They all have the same mother, Kris, and she’s a momager.’

  ‘A what?’ Ben was finding it difficult to keep up.

  ‘Momager – you know, a mum who is also a manager.’

  ‘What does she manage?’

  ‘Duh, their careers.’

  ‘What do they do?’

  ‘Well, lots of stuff, like photo shoots and opening nightclubs and they have a clothes line and they do make-up and Robert does socks.’

  Ben watched as one of the dark-haired sisters shouted at a guy called Scott for drinking too much.

  ‘Who’s Scott?’

  ‘He’s married to Kourtney and they have three kids, but he has a drink problem.’

  ‘Are the other sisters married?’

  ‘Kim is married to Kanye West and they’re called Kimye now. She was married to this other guy called Kris, but it only lasted about five weeks. Khloé was married to this guy called Lamar. But she married him after nine days and he has loads of problems with drugs and stuff, so that’s over. Kendall and Kylie are too young to be married. Kendall is nearly the same age as me and she’s like a really successful model now, making zillions.’

  ‘Is her mother her manager, too?’

  ‘Yes, but I think Kim’s jealous because Kris is spending a lot of time momaging Kendall.’

  Ben was having trouble following it all. ‘What about the brother, where’s he? Busy making socks?’

  ‘No. Poor Robert has issues with his weight. He’s really fat and he won’t go on the TV. They’ve put him into therapy and all of that, but he keeps eating. Khloé feels guilty because she thinks it might be because of Lamar and his drugs, but Kim just thinks he should get over his issues and stop shoving doughnuts into his face.’

  ‘What does his momager think?’

  ‘She was crying about it, but she’s getting divorced from Bruce so she’s got a lot going on. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now because I think Bruce and his sons from his first marriage will be axed from the show. They’re kind of boring, to be honest. All they do is surf and play with their dogs.’

  ‘There are more of them?’

  ‘Yes, Brody and Brandon are on the show as well, but Bruce also has two other kids that aren’t really in the show – Casey and Burt.’

  ‘Is Kris their momager too?’

  ‘No! They have a different mother. They don’t really get on with Kris. They feel she stole their dad and that he spends way too much time with the Kardashians and Kendall and Kylie and not enough with them.’

  ‘So who is their mother?’

  ‘I don’t know. She’s never in the show. I doubt Kris would let her – she’s very controlling.’

  Ben began to laugh. ‘This is ridiculous.’

  Jools frowned. ‘No, it’s brilliant.’

  Ben put a cushion over his face and groaned loudly. ‘Jools, I’ve been watching for twenty minutes and nothing has happened. They’ve eaten, shouted at the guy with a drink problem, driven around in their cars and eaten again.’

  ‘They do seem to eat a lot. I don’t know where they put the food.’

  ‘In their backsides,’ Ben said.

  Jools giggled. ‘They’re famous for their big bums.’

  ‘They seem to be famous for nothing else.’

  The door opened and Holly walked in. ‘Hi. Oh, my God, Jools, please tell me you’re not making Dad watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians. You’ll make him want to go back to Eritrea.’

  ‘Holly!’ Jools was shocked.

  Holly’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘God, sorry, I didn’t mean that.’

  Ben laughed. ‘It’s funny. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. Besides, Holly, I’m glad somebody else thinks this programme is nonsense.’

  ‘They’re completely vacuous and shallow,’ Holly said.

  ‘They’re not shallow. Kim wanted to adopt a child from an orphanage.’ Jools defended her TV friends.

  ‘And did she? Did she adopt her?’ Holly challenged.

  ‘No, because Kris said Kanye might not be too happy if Kim came home from holiday with some random orphan.’

  ‘She’s ridiculous – they all are,’ Holly fumed.

  ‘Well, you think Angelina Jolie’s great and she adopted kids,’ Jools countered.

  Holly’s eyes were wide. ‘Yes, because she actually did adopt them and is bringing them up as her own. Not to mention her work for the UN, which got her appointed as special envoy of the UN High Commission for Refugees.’

  ‘Well, I prefer Kim. She’s less annoying.’

  Holly threw her hands into the air. ‘She’s the most annoying person in the universe.’

  Ben stood up and turned off the television. ‘Okay, girls, please stop arguing. Let’s go and have something to eat.’

  As Ben walked ahead into the kitchen, his two daughters continued to bicker. He smiled to himself. He’d missed this.

  Holly

  Daddy can’t sleep. I hear him walking around the house at night. He seems very restless. He wanted to go back to work, but they said he should take a bit more time off and come back after Christmas.

  He seems a bit lost, like he doesn’t know what to do, and he looks so tired. Most of the time when I come in from school, he’s asleep on the couch.

  He’s going for walks now and sometimes he’s out for hours. He went on a big walk a few nights ago and didn’t come back for ages. Jools kept calling his phone, but he had it off. We all began to panic. Mummy tried to keep us calm, but I could see she was worried too.

  When he finally came home, Jools ran out and threw herself on top of him. She was sobbing. I tried not to cry, but when I saw him I did a bit. I was just so relieved.

  Poor Daddy looked really sad and kept saying he was sorry.

  Mummy shouted at him for being so ‘bloody thoughtless’. She said we’d been through ‘enough shit’ and he was never to go out without his phone on again.

  Things with Mummy and Daddy are not the same. Mummy works late a lot and seems stressed. She doesn’t look happy and I’ve heard her crying in her bedroom when Daddy’s downstairs or gone for a walk.

  I also heard her on the phone to Dan. I know I shouldn’t listen at her bedroom door, but I’m scared. I want to know what’s going on. She was supposed to break up with him and be with Daddy. She was crying and kept sayin
g, ‘I wish things were different. I miss you.’

  But why does she wish things were different? Daddy coming home is a miracle, we should all be so, so happy, but instead it’s like everyone is scared all the time. Except Jools: she seems really happy and isn’t nervous around Daddy. I still feel a bit strange with him. Kevin said it’s completely normal and it’ll just take a while to get used to Daddy being back because it was a big shock.

  Stella sent me a text and I knew she sent it to Jools, too. When I asked her about it her face went all red, her eyes teared up and she shouted, ‘We can’t be friends with Stella now. It’s not fair to Daddy.’

  Stella’s text said: I’m so happy for you guys that your dad is okay. You must be so happy. I miss you two. If you’d like to hang out together, please just call me. I’d love to see you again – when you feel ready.

  I had no idea what to say back to her. The whole situation is so confusing. Stella’s great and she was becoming like a sister. But Jools is right: we can’t see her any more because it’s disloyal to Daddy. I just wrote back: Thank you.

  People in school keep saying it’s a miracle and we must be so happy to be back together again … to have our family back … to be ‘back to normal’. But nothing is the same. We’re different people. Daddy’s quieter than before and he’s jumpy – if you slam a door, he literally jumps out of his seat. The other day a car backfired in front of us when we were driving and Daddy was in the passenger seat and he dived under the dashboard, head first.

  I looked up the symptoms of PTS and Daddy has quite a few of them. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. Difficulty concentrating. Feeling jumpy and easily startled. I spoke to Mummy about it and she said that Daddy is seeing a specialist in post-traumatic stress disorder and that I’m not to worry.

  Mummy looked sad when I talked to her about it. She said that Daddy would take a while to get ‘back to himself’. She said that we had to be patient and try to help him readjust.

  Mummy is looking after Daddy well. She’s being very kind and caring, but something’s missing. She’s not relaxed around him. When we’re all together it’s okay because we chat about general things, but Mummy is hardly ever alone with Daddy. I’m scared she’s still in love with Dan. I hope I’m wrong, because Daddy is her husband and she should love him more, even if she did think he was dead. Sometimes I wish Mummy would just tell Daddy about Dan. Then there wouldn’t be any more secrets. But I don’t think Daddy is strong enough to hear any bad news.

  Kevin isn’t calling in much. I rang him and asked him why. He said he wants to ‘give us space’. But there seems to be too much space. I miss Kevin being around. Mummy’s lucky because she still sees him at work every day.

  I think Daddy was a bit surprised when Mummy went back to work so soon. He’d only been home a week, but Mummy said, ‘We need an income.’ Daddy didn’t say anything else after that.

  I tried to talk to Jools about my worries, but she told me to shut up. She said she didn’t want to hear anything bad: Daddy was alive and everything was going to be fine.

  Jools seems to be enjoying all the attention we’re getting at school. I hate it. People keep asking me about Daddy and what it was like ‘over there’. The boys are especially interested. Bradley asked me if Daddy was tortured! I told him not to be so rude and stop asking annoying questions. Bradley said it wasn’t rude and maybe Daddy had been turned and was now a spy for the Eritreans, like the guy in Homeland.

  I’ve never watched Homeland so I asked Jools about it. She said Bradley was a ‘complete and utter moron’ and I should ignore him.

  The next day, Jools came to find me at break time. I pointed out Bradley. She marched over and grabbed him by his blazer. ‘Stop asking my sister stupid questions about our father, you little twerp. He’s a hero.’

  ‘He could be a spy.’

  ‘For who? The Eritreynons? What the hell would he be spying on? Their lentils? Their mountains? You really are a total moron. My father is not spying on anyone, and if he ever heard what you were saying about him, he’d probably use all of his pent-up anger at being kidnapped for two years to beat the crap out of you.’

  ‘It’s Eritreans.’

  ‘Excuse me?’ Jools glared at him.

  ‘You said Eritreynons.’

  Bradley must have a death wish, I thought.

  Jools put her face very close to his. ‘Are you seriously correcting me?’

  ‘Yes. You mispronounced it.’

  ‘Do you not know how school works? Younger people bow down to older ones. They do not annoy, irritate or bug them. Now, if you want to survive this school year, you’d better zip your fat mouth shut.’

  ‘I’m not afraid of you. My cousin’s in your year and he said you’re thick.’

  ‘She is not!’ I shouted.

  Jools went red but remained calm. ‘I may not be the brightest, but I’m the best-looking. Unlike you, who looks like a weasel with acne. The only way you’re ever going to have sex in your sad little life is with an electronic device. Now go away. You’re so ugly that looking at you is hurting my eyes.’

  Bradley scurried off. Jools turned to me. ‘Eritreynons, right?’

  I shook my head. ‘Eritreans.’

  Jools shrugged. ‘It sounds the same to me.’

  When I came home from school today, Daddy was looking at old photos. I didn’t know if I should go in to him or not. He was sitting on the floor surrounded by albums and boxes. When I’m on my own with him, I never really know what to say. I decided to leave him, but he looked up and saw me.

  ‘Hey, Holly, how was school?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘I found all these photos. It’s incredible to think how small you were.’ Daddy held up a picture of me as a baby. Mummy’s holding me and Daddy has his arm around her. They both look so happy.

  I felt my throat catch. ‘Wow,’ was all I could say.

  ‘They were great times,’ Daddy said. ‘Really great times.’

  I stood at the door, wondering whether to sit down. Daddy put down the photo. I could see one sticking out from under the couch. I bent down to pick it up. ‘Here’s another.’ It was Mummy and Daddy on their wedding day.

  Daddy reached for it. His face sort of crumpled when he saw what it was. He coughed and muttered that he needed to go out for a cigarette. He promised he’d give up. He’s smoking so much, I’m afraid we’ll have to go through losing him all over again.

  I climbed the stairs to my room to do my homework. I had an essay to write. The theme was: ‘If someone hurts you, can you forgive and forget?’ I knew the answer already. I was living with it – you can forgive, but you can never forget.

  Alice

  Alice had a full day ahead. Patients were queuing to come in before the Christmas holidays began and she closed her surgery for ten days. Usually she looked forward to her Christmas break, but this year she was dreading it.

  Spending time with Ben was a huge strain. She was trying really hard to make everything nice and normal. She wanted him to settle back in, but it was impossible to erase the last two harrowing years.

  He was different. She was different. They had had sex the night before. She couldn’t refuse him again. She’d brushed him off four times over the previous two weeks. She had insisted on turning out the lights and it had been easier in the dark, but it still felt wrong. The passion was gone. It was mechanical, emotionless. She didn’t feel the same. She’d closed her eyes and pictured Dan.

  Alice switched on her computer and tried not to think about Dan. She was meeting him after work to give him back his ring. She was looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure. She couldn’t wait to see him, but knew it would be goodbye and felt sick at the thought of not having him in her life.

  Kevin came in with a coffee. ‘You look like you need it. Still not sleeping?’

  Alice thanked him, sipped and put the cup down. ‘Last night was a bad one. I’m seeing Dan tonight.’

  ‘Give me one more loo
k at that spectacular ring?’ Kevin asked.

  They gazed down at the sparkling diamond in the box. ‘Wow, it really is beautiful.’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘Hard to give him up. He’s a good man.’

  She felt a lump rising in her throat.

  ‘It seems really twisted that the miracle of Ben being alive means that you have to give up someone you love,’ Kevin added.

  ‘It’s just so much harder than I thought.’ Alice began to cry. ‘I don’t know if Ben and I will ever get back to where we were. I’m not sure I even love him any more. I feel like such a bad person and I’m trying, I swear.’

  Kevin hugged her. ‘I know you are, but the psychiatrist told you it would take a long time for everything to settle. There’s no quick result with something like this.’

  ‘But what if I don’t ever feel the same?’

  ‘Maybe you should keep the ring, just in case,’ Kevin said.

  ‘No, I have to let Dan go. It’s the right thing to do.’ Alice wiped her face. ‘But I love him. We’ve been texting a lot – I’ve been too afraid to speak to him. I know if I hear his voice, I’ll crack up. I’m so dying to see him today and be with him. But it’s to say goodbye and I just can’t bear it. I hate this. I can’t help loving Dan. He’s been so wonderful to me and the girls and …’ Alice was sobbing.

  ‘Oh, God, Alice, I feel for you, I really do. Maybe you should tell Ben about Dan. Be honest, and tell him you need time to think things over.’

  Alice shook her head. ‘I can’t. He’s too fragile. His nightmares are terrifying. And he has this really sad look in his eyes all the time. I know it’s guilt. He knows that he caused us a huge amount of pain and it’s eating him up. How can I add to his anguish by telling him I’m in love with someone else? I just can’t do it.’

  ‘Can you really let Dan go, though? I mean, you’re engaged to the man. It wasn’t just some fling.’

  ‘I have to give my marriage a chance for the girls’ sake. I don’t honestly think we’ll make it, but I have to try, even if that means giving up the man I love.’