The Way We Were
Page 29
‘Is it terrible that I’m pleased about that?’
Alice didn’t respond.
‘I love you, Alice. I want you. I don’t want to share you with anyone. I’ve been going crazy wondering if we were over.’
‘I’m sorry. I just had to focus on him and the girls.’
‘I understand. It hasn’t been easy.’ Dan paused. ‘I have to ask, are you sleeping with him?’
Alice shook her head. She didn’t want to admit to the terrible sex. It was too personal and it felt cruel to expose Ben like that. Here she was, lying again. Would she ever be able to tell the whole truth to anyone?
‘Well, then, I think we should make up for lost time.’ Dan wrapped his legs around her and Alice let herself go. She switched her mind off and used her body for release from the problems that threatened to crush her.
When Alice came out of the shower she found that Dan had ordered a snack.
She sat down and played with her food.
‘Not hungry, darling? I’m ravenous after all that … physical exertion.’ Dan put his arm around her. ‘Now don’t go feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. You were a widow. We fell in love. There’s no crime in that.’
‘Then why do I feel so bad?’
‘Because you’re a good person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone. But you have to tell him, Alice. You have to come clean.’
Alice played with the button on her jacket. ‘I know, but I need more time. I need him to be stronger first.’
Dan put down his fork and sighed. ‘Not seeing you is killing me, Alice. I want us to be together. I’m like a caged tiger, snapping at everyone. I’m driving Stella mad.’
‘How is Stella?’
‘Gutted. She loves your girls. She’s worried she’ll never see you all again.’
‘She will. It’s just … I need …’
‘More time. Yes, I know.’ Dan sounded fed up.
‘I have to tell him when the time is right, but I’m terrified he’ll hear it from someone else. Are you sure your friends won’t say anything? If the newspapers get hold of this I’ll die.’
Dan took her hand in his. ‘Don’t worry, Alice. I told you I spoke to everyone at the party in my house – no one will breathe a word. They understand the delicate nature of the situation.’
‘Thanks.’
Alice glanced at the clock on the table. Damn, it was almost six. She stood up. ‘I have to go,’ she said.
‘Not yet.’ Dan stood up and pulled her to him.
‘I have to,’ she said.
‘When will I see you again?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I need you, Alice.’
Alice pulled back. ‘He needs me more, Dan. I have to stay with him for now.’
Dan’s face darkened. ‘I won’t let you go.’
Alice gulped back tears and handed him the engagement ring.
He pushed her hand away. ‘No.’
‘I can’t keep it.’
‘Yes, you can. I’m not giving up on you. I want you to keep it. I love you and I’m not letting you go without a fight. I’ll wait for you, Alice. I’ll give you time, but I will not give up on us. No way.’
Alice nodded, unable to speak as tears streamed down her face. She grabbed her bag and rushed out of the room. She didn’t want to give him up, but did she have a choice?
Holly
Mummy and Jools just had the worst fight ever. It was awful, really awful. It started because Jools found a text on Mummy’s phone. We were all in the kitchen. Jools was on her iPad, and I was talking to Mummy about school. Daddy had gone to meet David for a drink.
Mummy’s phone beeped. It was beside Jools. She looked at it, then snatched it up. ‘It’s from Dan. What the hell?’ she shouted.
Mummy went red. She grabbed the phone from Jools.
‘Oh, my God, Mum, you were with him today!’ Jools screamed. ‘Being with you today was amazing. To touch you again was mind-blowing. I love you. I’ll wait for you,’ she read. ‘How could you do this to Dad?’
I felt really sick.
Mummy snatched the phone out of Jools’s hand. ‘Stop it, Jools. That’s private.’
‘You said you were going to break up with Dan. But you’re sneaking around meeting him and having sex! Why, Mum? Don’t you get it? You’re going to break Dad’s heart.’ Jools was shaking and she looked angrier than I’d ever seen her before in my life.
Mummy took a step back. ‘Jools, what goes on between Dan and me and between your dad and me is private.’
‘He’s home. We’ve got our dad after two years of utter misery. He is back and he’s so happy to be home and he loves us so much and now you’re going to ruin it all because you’re a selfish bitch.’
Mummy slapped Jools across the face. She looked really shocked – like she couldn’t believe what she’d done. Jools stumbled backwards, holding her face.
‘I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,’ Mummy gasped.
Jools glared at her. ‘I hate you. How can you be so selfish? Dad needs us. You’ll destroy him.’
Mummy wiped her eyes. ‘I’m trying to break up with Dan, but it’s not easy. I spent months and months picking up the pieces, minding you and Holly, worrying, working and heartbroken, and then I met someone, and he was kind and wonderful and I fell in love. I thought your dad was dead. I didn’t do anything wrong, Jools. Ben was dead.’
‘Yes, he was, but he’s alive now,’ Jools shouted. ‘So when you run off and shag someone behind his back, that’s cheating.’
Mummy’s hand went up to her cheek and her eyes were really wide. She was white and her mouth opened but no words came out. Then she took a deep breath and said very quietly, ‘I can’t just turn my feelings on and off. I’m doing the best I can, Jools. I’m trying really hard, but it’s not easy.’
‘Yes, it is, Mum. Dump Dan and be with Dad.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘She loves him, Jools. She can’t help it.’ I handed Mum a tissue. ‘We all liked Dan and Stella. We can’t just pretend they never existed.’
Jools turned her spiteful stare on me. ‘Oh, typical you, Holly, always taking Mum’s side. What’s wrong with you both? Dad is back. He needs us.’
‘I know that,’ I shouted back. ‘I know he wants everything to be the same as before, but it isn’t, Jools. And Mummy isn’t selfish. She did everything for us when Dad was gone. She was our person. She kept us together and did everything to make us happy again. She’s been through hell, Jools.’
‘So has Dad!’ Jools snapped. ‘So have I.’
‘Girls, please don’t fight. This situation is very complicated. I just need some time, Jools. I need to figure it all out in my head and I know your dad needs me. I’m here for him. I promise you that I’m doing my best, but I’m only human, so please don’t shout at me and call me a selfish bitch.’ Mummy wiped her tears with a tissue.
Jools sighed. ‘I’m sorry. You’re not selfish, but I’m scared. I’m scared Dad is going to find out that you were with Dan and that me and Holly were happy and that we liked Dan and that we were about to move into his house. I feel sick every time I think about it because I let Dad down. I moved on. While he was chained to a tree, I was in Dan’s house planning which bedroom I’d sleep in and having a great time with Stella. Dad’s my person. He’s the one who gets me and I let him down. Don’t you see? I let him down.’ Jools bent over and sobbed as if her heart would break.
Mummy rushed over to her and threw her arms around her. ‘Oh, Jools, no no no no. You didn’t let anyone down. You’ve been so wonderful and brave and supportive. I’d never have got through this without you. I told Dad how fantastic you were and he’s so proud and so grateful to you. You didn’t let anyone down, ever.’
Jools’s face was wet with tears. ‘But I did, Mum, I did.’
I suddenly felt really angry. Angry with everything. Angry with the mess we were in, angry with life for giving us so much to deal with.
‘I just feel so guilty,’ Jools said.
‘You have nothing to feel guilty for.’ Mummy hugged her again. ‘You never stopped loving your dad.’
Jools sat down and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m sorry for shouting at you, Mum, but you have to break up with Dan and give Dad a chance. Please don’t hurt him. Please.’
Mummy looked utterly shattered.
I was going over to give her a hug when I saw him standing at the door. We all had our backs to him.
‘David got called away, so I came home early,’ Dad said.
Alice
Christ! How much had he heard? Alice felt a pain shoot through her chest. She thought she was having a heart attack.
Jools and Holly froze. Ben stood in the doorway, not moving.
Alice knew she had to take control. ‘Girls, why don’t you go up to your rooms? It’s getting late.’
Neither moved. Ben went towards Jools. ‘Goodnight, darling.’ He reached out to hug her. She fell into his arms.
‘Goodnight, Dad.’
‘Sleep well, Jools. I love you.’
‘I love you too,’ Jools said, her voice quivering.
Ben went over to give Holly a hug. ‘Goodnight, Holly. I love you very much too.’
‘Me too, Daddy, so much.’ Holly followed her sister out of the room, but not before looking back at her mother. Her eyes were full of fear. Alice knew she had to make this better somehow.
She was shaken by what Jools had said. When she’d gone to meet Dan and they’d ended up in bed, it had never occurred to her that she was cheating: it was just being with Dan, like before. But Jools was right – before, she had been a widow, but now her husband was back and she was cheating. She had never been unfaithful to Ben in all the years of their marriage. Yet today she had been. Today she had gone behind her husband’s back and slept with another man.
She was behaving as if she was still a widow, not married, but single. How could she have done such a thing and not even realized it? Alice took ragged deep breaths, trying to calm her heart rate and think straight.
When the girls left, there was silence. Alice stood still, afraid to move or speak. Ben closed the kitchen door softly and went to the fridge.
‘I think I need a drink. Would you like some wine?’ he asked.
Alice nodded. She watched as Ben poured two large glasses. She noticed that his hands were trembling. She sat down, afraid her legs would give way from under her.
Ben remained standing, leaning against the counter. ‘So I gather there is someone else?’
Alice nodded.
Ben took a long sip of his wine. ‘Do I know him?’
‘No.’
‘How long have you been together?’
‘Six months.’
‘Was it …’ he stumbled over his words ‘ … Is it serious?’
Alice’s mind was whirring. If he was asking if it was serious, he mustn’t have heard Jools mention moving into Dan’s house. ‘It was getting there,’ she said, treading softly.
‘Who is he?’
‘Dan Penfold. He’s a businessman, he’s … a …’ Alice trailed off. Ben didn’t need to hear how successful Dan was.
‘Do the girls know him well?’
Alice swallowed. ‘Not very … quite … They had got to know him better just recently.’
‘I see.’
Alice cleared her throat. She had to make him understand that they didn’t leave him behind: they were just trying to live life. ‘The girls mourned for you so much, Ben. They were so sad, and so was I. We were shattered. Then I met Dan and he was nice to me and nice to the girls. Not in any way trying to be a father to them, just nice and kind. He has an older daughter they got on well with.’
‘How did you meet him?’
Alice knew this was going to hurt, but she couldn’t lie. ‘A dinner party at David and Pippa’s. He lives next door to them.’
Ben’s whole face caved in. He looked as if he’d been punched.
‘David set you up with him?’ he gasped.
‘It wasn’t like that.’ Alice was desperate to explain. ‘David and Pippa invited me for dinner. They invited me out lots of times and most of the time I said no because I was too upset and low. They were just being kind, wanting to see if I was all right and trying to get me out of the house. They didn’t know that anything would … well …’
‘Happen,’ Ben finished Alice’s sentence.
Alice reached out to touch Ben’s hand, but he pulled it back. ‘Ben,’ she said gently, ‘I know this must seem awful, like a betrayal, but you have to remember, I believed you were dead.’
Ben looked up at her for the first time. ‘I know you did. I know the girls did. I’m aware of that fact. I’ve thought about it every single day since I was captured. It torments me, it haunts me and it eats me up inside.’
Alice fought back tears. ‘I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just a mess, really. It’s been such a shock for all of us.’
‘Are you still seeing Dan?’ Ben asked.
Alice paused. ‘I’ve only seen him once since you came back.’
Ben took a long, deep drink, then asked, ‘Do you love him?’
Alice covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want Ben to see her eyes. He had always been able to read them. He knew when she was lying.
‘Jesus, Ben, I don’t know. I mean, I just … I’m not sure about anything.’
‘I see.’
Alice peeped through her fingers. Ben looked broken. ‘Oh, Ben, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so glad you’re back. I’m so glad you’re alive. The girls are so happy and it’s wonderful. I’m still in shock, I think, and I need to get used to it all, and then … well … then … we’ll see, I guess. I love you, Ben … I do. It’s just different. Everything has changed … I think we both have to … I … we …’ Alice didn’t know how to finish the sentence because she didn’t know how she felt or what was going to happen.
Her head ached and she felt sick with sorrow, guilt and loneliness. The strange thing was that, in the midst of everything going on, she felt incredibly lonely. She couldn’t be with Dan and she was trying and failing to be with Ben. In the middle of all this drama, Alice was alone. No one could help her. It was something she was going to have to figure out by herself.
Ben moved towards the back door. ‘I need a cigarette. This has been a lot to take in.’
Alice stood up and reached out a hand to him.
He ignored it. ‘I’m not blaming you. I’m not angry. I knew it was a possibility. You’re a beautiful woman – of course men would want to be with you. It’s just a bit too real now.’
‘Ben, I’m sorry … it’s not …’
‘It’s okay. I just need to think.’
Alice watched as Ben walked slowly out to the garden bench and lit a cigarette. He stared at the sky as he exhaled long lines of smoke. Alice felt afraid. Very afraid. She knew she had hurt him and she hadn’t meant to. She loved him: she just wasn’t sure that she was still in love with him.
Ben
Ben waited until they had all left the house for work and school, then sat down to Google Dan Penfold. He typed in the name and immediately hundreds of articles came up about him. Who the hell was this guy? Ben skimmed through Dan’s Wikipedia page. Jesus Christ, he was a multi-millionaire property baron.
Ben zoomed in on a photo of him. He was older than Ben, but Ben could see that he was good-looking and his confidence jumped out of the photo.
Ben cursed. He hadn’t imagined his rival
would be so bloody successful. He felt his confidence sag. Before Eritrea he’d always been very sure of himself, proud of his achievements and full of self-belief. But those two years had knocked him. Now he saw how important it was that he regain his confidence if he was going to win Alice back.
Ben needed to talk to someone. He certainly wasn’t going to call David. He knew it wasn’t David’s fault, but he couldn’t help being annoyed that his best friend had introduced Alice to Dan. Besides, now he knew why David had run out of the pub when Ben had been spouting on about how great it was that Alice hadn’t met anyone. He felt like a complete fool. He also felt incredibly alone. He badly needed to talk to the one person he could be totally honest with. He picked up his mobile and dialled.
‘Morning, Benji,’ Declan bellowed.
‘You sound chipper.’
‘I’ve been for a run and had breakfast already. I’ve decided to cut down on the boozing. Billy said it was making my nightmares worse and that I needed to calm down and start living a more normal life, as he so politely put it.’
‘Good for Billy.’
‘Ah, sure, he’s a rock of sense. How are you? You sound down.’
Ben smiled. Declan knew him too well. ‘I found out last night that Alice has been seeing someone else.’
‘Shite.’
‘Shite indeed.’
‘Is it serious?’
‘I don’t know. I think it might be. Alice was cagey about how serious it is, which implies that it’s serious.’
‘Don’t jump to conclusions. It might not be. It could well be a fling.’
‘No, it’s definitely more than that. It’s been going on for about six months and the girls know him quite well. I think … I think Alice is in love with him.’
‘Shite.’
‘Yes.’
‘How did she meet him?’
Ben winced. ‘David introduced them. He’s David’s next-door neighbour.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Yes, that did hurt.’
‘Mind you, if we’re being fair, they did all think you were dead.’