The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘It’s gorgeous,’ Jools said.

  ‘It really suits you,’ I added.

  ‘It really is you,’ Kevin agreed.

  Mummy looked at it and nodded. ‘It’s exactly what I would have chosen myself. Thank you, Ben.’

  Mummy tried to help with dinner but Daddy told her she wasn’t allowed to move from her chair for the whole day. ‘I want you to relax. You’ve always done Christmas dinner. It’s time I did one.’

  He had tried really hard so we all ate everything even though it wasn’t very nice.

  ‘Gosh, the sprouts are rock hard,’ Daddy said.

  ‘They’re just a bit crunchy.’ Kevin tried to chew one.

  ‘Very crunchy.’ Jools giggled.

  ‘Exceedingly crunchy.’ I snorted and we all laughed.

  ‘I reckon you could play ping-pong with them,’ Kevin said.

  ‘And the turkey’s bone dry.’ Daddy looked at the shrivelled meat.

  ‘It just needs a lot of gravy,’ Jools said.

  ‘God, I forgot all about the gravy. Sorry, everyone.’ Dad looked sheepish.

  ‘It’s fine. I like my turkey cremated,’ Kevin said.

  ‘I love the way it sticks to the top of my mouth,’ Jools cackled.

  Daddy was laughing so hard, he had to hold his stomach.

  ‘Don’t mind them, Ben. It’s lovely. The first time is always tricky,’ Mummy said, laughing too.

  ‘It was a heroic effort but I’m recommending that you stick to surgery and leave the cooking to Alice,’ Kevin suggested.

  ‘Can we please move on to dessert now?’ Jools asked.

  ‘Good idea.’ Daddy got up and went into the kitchen.

  When Daddy came back in with the trifle, Mummy clapped. ‘My favourite!’

  ‘And the good news is that I’ve tasted it and it’s edible,’ Kevin said.

  ‘You’ve gone to so much trouble, it’s … I’m … Thank you, Ben.’ Mummy got up and hugged Daddy. He held her and kissed her hair. I felt all warm inside. Jools nudged my foot under the table and grinned.

  Alice

  A ring! She couldn’t believe it. She put it on. It was beautiful. Smaller than Dan’s but much more her, if she was honest. It was exactly the kind of ring Alice would have chosen for herself. But it felt as if it was burning her finger. She felt like a fraud. The guilt of not having broken up with Dan yet was eating her up.

  She would tell herself, ‘I’ll do it’, but once she rang or texted him, she lost her conviction and wanted him all over again. That day when she had met him in the hotel had been so wonderful. She’d felt her problems melting away as she lay in his arms. She just wanted to be with him, blocking out all of her worries. He felt like an addiction. He was her safe place, her haven from the madness around her. And it didn’t help that Dan knew that. Each time they talked, he managed to talk over and around her reasons for giving him back the ring, telling her not to draw a line under it yet. Not yet. He painted pictures that swirled around her head like confetti – images of a perfect life with him, of travel, beautiful houses, comfort and great sex. It was a seduction, a temptation, and she seemed powerless against it.

  Alice was trying very hard to block Dan out and stay in the present. Ben had gone to so much trouble. She could see how hard he was trying and she was grateful, very grateful, but it didn’t change the way she felt about him. She just didn’t feel the same any more. She loved him, really loved him, but the spark was gone. He was like a really good friend she adored, but the physical side was dead.

  Maybe if she gave up Dan she could try to get it back, but she dreaded sex with Ben. It was so intimate that all their problems seemed to be heightened when they were alone and naked together. She felt completely exposed. It was as if someone was screaming, ‘You two don’t work any more.’

  But she had promised herself and the girls that she would try harder. She had to: she owed it to them. Seeing Jools so angry the other day had been a real eye-opener. This whole situation could devastate the people she loved most, maybe even split them apart. There was no way she could let that happen.

  Alice went over and hugged Ben. ‘Thank you for making this Christmas so special. It’s wonderful to have you home.’

  Alice saw Jools and Holly beaming, and her heart sank. Much as she wanted her marriage to work, she wasn’t sure she could stay with Ben in the long term, and her daughters’ hearts would be broken again.

  Alice pushed down the fears and forced herself to stay in the present. One day at a time, she told herself.

  They were playing a lively game of charades – Kevin, Holly and Alice against Ben and Jools – when there was a knock on the door. Ben went to open it and walked back into the lounge with Harold and Helen. They had brought wine and flowers for Alice and Ben, selection boxes for the girls.

  ‘We thought we’d pop in with some gifts.’ Harold was full of fake bonhomie.

  ‘I’m not eight,’ Jools muttered, when she saw the selection box.

  Alice gave her a warning look. She wanted to tell Harold where to shove his presents, but it was Christmas, he was Ben’s father and she didn’t want to upset anyone. She stood up, shook her father-in-law’s hand and was air-kissed by Helen.

  Harold barely acknowledged Kevin, which infuriated Alice. ‘Will you have a drink?’ she asked, planning to do some deep breathing exercises in the kitchen to keep her temper in hand.

  ‘A cup of tea would be lovely, thank you, dear,’ Helen said.

  ‘Yes, tea,’ Harold agreed.

  ‘I’ll make it.’ Holly got up and went into the kitchen before Alice could say anything. She sat down again and prepared to be civil. She could hear her mother’s voice in her head saying, ‘Bite your tongue, Alice’, which made her smile.

  ‘So how are you, Dad?’ Ben asked.

  ‘Fine. I must say, this is a very happy Christmas with you home safely. The last two were a bit on the grim side.’

  ‘They certainly were,’ Alice agreed.

  ‘I imagine it wasn’t much fun in Eritrea either.’ Kevin tried to make a joke.

  ‘No, Santa Claus couldn’t find us.’ Ben smiled.

  ‘Yes, well, you’re here now and all is well.’ Harold’s tone was firm.

  ‘I don’t even remember the first Christmas. It’s a complete blur,’ Jools said.

  ‘You were still in shock, poor things,’ Kevin said.

  ‘Thank God for Kevin or we wouldn’t have had anything to eat. You bought everything and cooked for us that year. You were great,’ Alice said.

  ‘David and Pippa were really nice too. Remember, Mum? They came round with loads of presents and food to put in the freezer so we wouldn’t have to cook for the whole Christmas holidays,’ Jools said.

  Alice smiled. ‘Yes, they did. They were so thoughtful.’

  ‘Where were you, Dad?’ Ben asked.

  Alice looked at her husband. His jaw was set. Uh-oh.

  Harold coughed. ‘I wasn’t feeling well. We just went to Helen’s daughter nearby for a bite to eat and straight home.’

  ‘Yes, he had a bad cold and we didn’t think it was wise to pass it on to the children.’ Helen backed up her husband.

  ‘So you didn’t call in to see my wife and children on Christmas Day when they were alone and broken-hearted.’

  ‘I phoned, of course, but I felt it was wiser to stay away. Alice was very emotional and I thought it best to leave her alone.’

  Ben walked over to his father. ‘So you thought it was a good idea to leave my widowed wife and two young daughters alone on Christmas Day and not even call in to check up on them?’

  Alice was cheering inside, Go, Ben!

  Harold stood up. ‘I don’t like your tone. I came the following Christmas and ended up being asked to leave.’

  ‘That’s because you were mean to Mummy.’ No one had seen Holly coming into the room carrying a tray of cups and saucers and the teapot.

  ‘Now, Holly, that’s not true.’ Harold was angry now.

&n
bsp; ‘Yes, it is,’ Jools said quietly.

  ‘I merely pointed out that Alice should have discouraged you from going to Eritrea.’

  The muscle on the side of Ben’s cheek was throbbing. Alice only ever saw that when Ben was incredibly angry.

  ‘Alice did discourage me. In fact, she begged me not to go. She pleaded with me, but I didn’t listen because I’m pig-headed, like you, Dad. I went because I wanted to have an adventure. Well, I certainly got one, didn’t I? So do not blame my wife for any of this. It was entirely my fault.’

  ‘Men who are content at home don’t go looking for adventure,’ Harold snapped.

  Alice watched as Ben’s fury rose to the surface and exploded out of his mouth. ‘How dare you say that? My wife is wonderful and I was very happy at home. But I’m greedy, I wanted more. I wanted the perfect home and adventure. I didn’t think about Alice and the girls, I only thought of myself when I agreed to go to Eritrea. And those two years in captivity were my punishment for being such a selfish git. And never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that you could let me down and not look after your own daughter-in-law and grandchildren. You let me down badly and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive you.’

  Alice was in shock – she didn’t know whether to step in and stop Ben, or jump up and down and cheer. It was amazing to hear Ben defending her, making it clear to Harold that it was all his own idea to go away.

  Harold’s face was puce. ‘How dare you? I have always supported you. I worked long and hard to send you to the best schools. I’ve been there every step of the way. I knew that Alice and the girls weren’t alone – he was here. He moved in the minute you were gone.’ Harold pointed at Kevin.

  Ben moved over to where Kevin was standing. Putting his arm around his brother-in-law, he said, ‘I know Kevin was here and I will always be grateful to him for looking after my family while I was gone. Kevin kept them going. Kevin helped them get back on their feet. I will spend the rest of my life trying to pay him back for all he did. I’m so disappointed in you, Dad. I expected more of you.’

  Alice was thrilled to see Ben stick up for Kevin and for really understanding how much Kevin had done.

  Harold grabbed his coat and gloves. ‘I did not come here to be insulted. They weren’t the only ones who were suffering. I believed my only child was dead. There is no worse agony to befall a man.’ Harold’s eyes were wet, and although Alice really didn’t like him, she felt sorry for him. He adored Ben and to have Ben berate him must really hurt.

  Alice tried to stop him leaving. ‘Don’t go, Harold. Sit down and have a cup of tea. Don’t leave angry.’

  Harold moved away from her towards the door. ‘Helen, we’re leaving.’

  Ben stepped forward. ‘Don’t go, Dad. I apologize for shouting. It’s Christmas, come on, sit down.’

  ‘I will not stay a minute longer in this house. I’ll talk to you when you find your manners and your respect.’

  With that, Harold stormed out of the house, Helen following in his wake.

  ‘Way to go, Dad!’ Jools high-fived Ben. ‘It was about time you told Granddad the truth. He’s always so rude to Mum. And Kevin.’

  Ben grinned. ‘That was what you call pent-up anger coming out.’

  ‘You were on fire.’ Alice smiled warmly at him.

  ‘Anger is always better out than in,’ Kevin said. ‘I thought it was very chivalrous of you to defend your wife. Well done, and thank you for what you said about me.’ Kevin raised his glass in a toast.

  ‘I felt a bit sorry for Granddad,’ Holly said. ‘He’s just a person who doesn’t know how to deal with feelings. He looked really upset.’

  Ben put his arm around her. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll let him cool down and I’ll let myself cool down, and then I’ll call him and apologize again for shouting, but not for what I said.’

  ‘I’m glad you’re not cold like Granddad,’ Holly said, hugging Ben. ‘Mummy always said you got your mother’s genes, which is lucky for us.’

  ‘I doubt you’d be here if Dad was like Harold.’ Alice laughed. ‘Cold and aloof is definitely not my type. Thankfully, your dad is nothing like that. In fact, he’s the opposite, lovely and warm and kind.’

  Ben grinned as Alice leant in and kissed him on the lips.

  Ben

  Declan put another pint in front of Ben. ‘Get that down your neck.’

  Ben was feeling a bit light-headed already. ‘Steady on, I’ll be on the floor soon. I don’t want to arrive drunk at our welcome-home party.’

  ‘Relax. You’re supposed to get drunk at welcome-home parties. You need to relax and have some fun, Benji. Come on, cheers. Here’s to 2015 being a year when we don’t get kidnapped and chained to each other.’

  ‘Hear, hear.’

  They clinked glasses and Ben took a sip of his beer. It felt good to be sitting in a pub with Declan, catching up face to face.

  ‘So, how have the first few weeks back at work been?’ Declan asked.

  Ben put his glass down. ‘I have to say, it’s really good. I was starting to go crazy sitting around the house. I need to work – I missed it. I’m rusty, though. I’ve got two years of catching up to do. But the buzz of operating is still very much there.’

  ‘You must be a legend at the hospital after Eritrea. I’d say they’re all over you.’

  Ben smiled. ‘Not quite, but I am getting a fair bit of attention, particularly from the female staff.’

  ‘Any hot ones?’

  ‘Lots, but I’m not tempted.’

  ‘You’re not normal, Benji,’ Declan said, shaking his head.

  Ben grinned. ‘Maybe not, but I have one focus, and that’s getting Alice to fall in love with me again.’

  ‘How are things going?’

  Ben ran his hands through his hair. ‘Things are better, but she’s still distant. It’s an uphill battle, but one I’m determined to win.’

  ‘Any sign of your man Dan?’

  ‘No, but it’s not over. Every now and then she gets a call or a text and she leaves the room. It’s not often, but it’s still happening.’

  ‘How’s sex?’

  Ben shifted on his stool.

  ‘Come on, it’s me. Talk to me.’

  ‘We haven’t had any in a few weeks. I’m leaving her alone for the moment. She needs space and I’m giving it to her.’

  ‘Don’t give her too much – she might disappear into it.’

  ‘On the positive side,’ Ben said, anxious to change the subject, ‘I’m getting on really well with the girls. We’re spending lots of time together. I took them camping last weekend, and although Jools protested at first, we had fun. I wanted to spend time with them away from phones and tablets and TVs.’

  ‘Did Alice go?’

  ‘Yes. She spent the first day reading her book, but the second day she came for a hike with us and we had a nice time. It was old-fashioned fun, toasting marshmallows by the fire, telling stories and laughing.’

  ‘Reminding her how nice it is to be a family again.’ Declan patted Ben on the back. ‘Good man, you’re playing it well. You might consider mentioning one or two of the women throwing themselves at you, though. A bit of jealousy works wonders.’

  Ben smiled. ‘Maybe I will. Anyway, how are you?’

  ‘Never better. I’ve decided what I’m going to do with my life. I’m telling Theo tonight at the party that I’m not coming back here. I’m staying in Dublin and I’m going to specialize in paediatrics. I can’t leave my da again. Dublin is where I belong.’

  ‘I’m happy for you, mate. You’ll be fantastic.’

  ‘It feels right, and if there’s one thing I learnt from being stuck in that hole it’s that life is short and you have to live it the way you want to and follow your heart.’

  ‘Speaking of hearts, any romance?’

  ‘I’ve stopped shagging every girl that looks sideways at me and I’m looking around for someone special now. Although tonight is kind of a mini-holiday, so I might have some fun.�
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  ‘You’ll meet someone special. Even though you’re half crazy, you’re a decent catch.’

  Declan grinned, then looked up and waved. Ben felt a hand on his shoulder.

  ‘There he is, the main man. Howzit going, Ben?’ Billy enveloped Ben in a bear-hug.

  ‘Good, thanks, Billy. How are you?’

  ‘Feckin’ brilliant. Great to be in London.’

  Ben was distracted by the large lump of hair sitting on Billy’s formerly bald head.

  ‘I see you’re checking out my new roof.’ Billy pointed to his head.

  Ben was speechless. It looked very odd.

  ‘Thanks for rushing off and leaving me to pay the taxi, Da,’ Sean said, coming in behind his father. He greeted Ben: ‘Good to see you, man.’

  ‘Ben’s just noticed Da’s thatch.’ Declan grinned. ‘He’s still not been able to muster up any words to describe it.’

  ‘I preferred him bald,’ Sean said.

  ‘Well, I prefer me not bald. Can you believe it, Ben, they took the bit of hair I had at the back of my head and put it on the top? I feel like George Clooney.’

  ‘George Clooney’s granddad.’ Sean snorted.

  ‘You look smashing, Billy,’ Ben said kindly.

  ‘The women will be lining up,’ Billy said.

  ‘Yeah, to borrow it.’ Sean laughed as Billy smacked him on the back of the head.

  ‘I hope your children have more respect for you,’ Billy said to Ben. ‘How are they?’

  ‘Really good, thanks. Jools is in her final year, which is hard to believe, and Holly is as sweet as ever.’

  ‘And Alice?’ Billy asked, lowering his voice as Declan and Sean argued about football beside them.

  ‘Things are better, but it’s very slow, to be honest.’

  Billy squeezed his arm. ‘You hang in there, son. That woman loves you. She’s had a tough few years and she got distracted, but she loves you. Keep trying, she’s a good one.’

  ‘Thanks, Billy, I will.’