The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

‘Romance her, Ben. Bring her back to the beginning and remind her of how things were and how you used to be.’

  Ben smiled. ‘That’s exactly what I’m going to do, Billy. I’m working on it.’

  ‘Good lad. How do you think Declan’s doing?’

  ‘He seems good. A lot calmer, less manic,’ Ben said.

  ‘He is, thank God. I let him go mad for a while, but then I took him aside and had a chat with him. He was drinking too much and his nightmares were getting worse with the alcohol. I was worried about him. He was very low some days. But he’s steadier now. He’s focused on his work and he’s back running and eating well and not shagging a different young one every night.’

  ‘Are you talking about me?’ Declan asked.

  ‘He’s just saying he’s glad the revolving door of women has stopped.’ Ben smiled at his friend.

  ‘Poor Da – he didn’t know who was going to be at the table for breakfast,’ Sean said.

  ‘Don’t mind him, he loved it,’ Declan said. ‘He used to charm them all, cooking them bacon and eggs.’

  ‘You need to get your own apartment,’ Sean said.

  Declan shook his head. ‘No, I like living with Da. I’m not moving out until I find my Alice.’

  How ironic, Ben thought. I need to find my Alice, too.

  When they arrived at the party venue, a cheer went up and everyone rushed over to them to shake their hands and welcome them. Although a lot of the staff had met up with Ben over the last few weeks, some hadn’t, and none had seen Declan. He was soon surrounded by colleagues and duly regaled them with stories about Eritrea.

  Ben saw Alice in the corner, talking to Theo Halston. As he was making his way over to save her from one of Theo’s inevitably long and boring stories, he bumped into Sarah Langton, the new American anaesthetist he’d worked with earlier that week.

  ‘Hey there, are you enjoying your party?’ she asked, flashing her perfect teeth at him.

  ‘It feels a bit odd, actually, because I’ve been back working for a few weeks. I think it’s more for Declan, really.’

  ‘Were you guys buddies before you went to Eritrea?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Not at all. In fact, I’d only met him once, briefly. But we certainly got to know each other very well in Eritrea.’

  ‘How well?’ She raised an eyebrow in a flirty way.

  Ben laughed. ‘Not that kind of well.’

  She winked at him. ‘You know, everyone just thinks you guys are awesome. The way you survived and escaped. It’s like a movie script.’

  Ben leant towards her. ‘It wasn’t like a movie at all. We just about made it through in one piece.’

  Sarah put her hand on his arm and spoke into his ear. He could smell her perfume and felt her cheek next to his. ‘Here’s the thing, Ben. You’re a handsome, successful surgeon who survived captivity. You’re a hero to everyone, so just go with it. You should be milking it. Have you seen the way the women look at you? They drool when you walk by.’

  Ben laughed. ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘Honey, open your big brown eyes a little wider.’

  Alice came over to them. ‘You’re late,’ she said. ‘I’ve been stuck with Theo for twenty minutes.’

  ‘Sorry, got a bit side-tracked catching up with Declan.’ Ben introduced the two women. ‘Alice, this is Sarah Langton, the new anaesthetist I’m working with.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, Sarah.’ Alice shook her hand. Ben watched as Alice took in Sarah, from head to toe. The classic women’s once-over. What was it Declan had said – ‘A bit of jealousy does no harm’?

  ‘Great to meet you too.’ Sarah flashed her pearly-whites at Alice. ‘You do realize you’re the envy of every woman here? Ben is like a total god in the hospital. Yesterday I heard two nurses talking about him and one said, “I find it so hard to concentrate when he looks at me with those eyes.” ’

  Ben laughed. The drinks he had had with Declan had loosened him up. He wasn’t embarrassed, he felt flattered.

  Alice smiled tightly. Sarah moved on, but before Alice could say anything, Ben was immediately surrounded by Declan and three nurses asking him if it was true that he had fought a wolf with his bare hands to save Declan’s life.

  Ben laughed. ‘Declan’s winding you up.’

  ‘But it’s incredible that you survived. You really are heroes,’ a pretty dark-haired nurse said, batting her eyelids at him.

  Alice nudged in beside Ben. ‘I’m Alice, Ben’s wife,’ she said pointedly.

  Declan winked at Ben.

  The nurses barely gave Alice the time of day as they continued to focus on Ben, Declan and their exploits.

  After about ten minutes, Alice tapped Ben on the arm. ‘I think I might go. Everyone here just wants to talk to you and Declan. They’re behaving as if you’re rock stars or something. It’s all a bit mad.’

  Normally Ben would have asked her to stay or gone home with her, but he was having fun and enjoying spending time with Declan. He felt really good for the first time in ages, relaxed and happy. ‘Okay, darling.’

  Alice seemed a bit taken aback. She’d clearly been waiting for Ben to ask her to stay. ‘Right, well, I’ll be off then.’ She pulled on her coat.

  ‘Are you leaving, Alice?’ Declan asked.

  ‘I’m just cramping Ben’s style tonight.’

  Ben pretended to talk to the nurses, but he was listening to Alice and Declan.

  ‘Ah, don’t mind the nurses, they can’t help themselves. They’re all in love with Ben,’ Declan said.

  Alice frowned. ‘Well, maybe they need to be reminded that he’s married.’

  ‘Maybe you need to be reminded of that too,’ Declan said evenly.

  Alice’s eyes widened. ‘I do … I am …’

  ‘He could have any woman here, but he wants you. Remember, Alice, no man is perfect. No man is immune to attention.’

  ‘I know … I can see … I’m not stupid … but … Well, some of the women just seem a bit over the top.’

  ‘Do they? Ben survived two years in Hell. He’s a hero. It’s an intoxicating combination.’

  Ben felt it was time to step in. He appreciated what Declan was doing, but he was worried he’d go too far.

  He turned to face them. ‘I’ll walk you to the car,’ he said to Alice.

  ‘I forgot that part – he’s a gentleman too.’ Declan glared at her.

  ‘I know that.’ Alice glared back.

  ‘I’ll be back in ten minutes,’ Ben said.

  ‘Bye, Alice.’ Declan waved at her.

  She walked away, frowning.

  Holly

  Stella sent us a text asking us to meet her. She said she had something she wanted to give us. Jools didn’t want to go. She pretended she didn’t want to see Stella, but I knew she did. Jools adores her and I knew she missed her but felt disloyal to Daddy if she had any contact with her.

  Eventually I persuaded her to meet Stella just this one time and say goodbye to her properly. She deserved that. She had been so nice to us. Jools was really grumpy about it, but I could tell it was because she was nervous about seeing Stella again and getting upset.

  Stella suggested that we meet in this cool café that was near her gallery. When we arrived, she was sitting at a corner table and waved to us.

  We walked over slowly. Stella stood up and hugged Jools. ‘I’m so glad to see you. I’ve missed you.’

  I saw Jools’s eyes well with tears. She hugged Stella back. She was too upset to speak.

  Then Stella kissed me and I thought I might cry too. ‘I’m so glad you came,’ she said. ‘I’ve been dying to see you.’

  Jools looked embarrassed. ‘I wanted to call you loads of times, but I felt weird about it all after Dad came back. It felt disloyal. I’m sorry.’

  Stella squeezed her hand. ‘Don’t worry, I completely understand. Your whole world was turned upside-down. It’s been a shock for everyone. How are you guys getting on?’

  Jools rolled a sugar cube between her finger
s. ‘Good, great. He’s our dad and we thought he was dead and he’s not and it’s … Well … It’s a miracle.’

  Stella smiled at me. ‘How are you, Holly?’

  ‘Fine, thanks,’ I said, feeling like I wanted to cry. It was really sad, sitting there with Stella without Mum and Dan. We’d had some really nice times together. I’d blocked them out but now that she was in front of me, all the lovely memories came back. ‘It’s a bit strange too, though, especially for Mum.’

  Stella looked down at her coffee. ‘My dad’s very cut up. He thought he’d met “the one” and then, just when everything was perfect, your dad came back. I mean, I’m really happy for you,’ she added quickly, ‘but naturally I feel really sorry for my dad. He loves Alice and you guys too.’

  Jools was close to proper tears now. ‘I know, but Ben’s our dad and he’s Mum’s husband so she has to choose him. It’s not fair to Dad if Mum stays with Dan, and I know it’s not fair to Dan either but … what can we do? He’s our dad.’ Jools began to cry.

  Stella gave her a hug. ‘Of course you have to be with your dad. It’s just really difficult. I hate seeing my dad so unhappy and I loved having “sisters”.’

  That was the comment that got me. I started crying too. People began to look at our table.

  ‘God, what a mess,’ Stella said, handing us napkins. ‘What a complete bloody mess. Here, I wanted to give you this.’ Stella handed us a framed photo. It was the selfie we took on the night we went to the Chiltern Firehouse. We were all smiling and looking so happy.

  ‘I wish things were different,’ I said.

  ‘What? That Dad wasn’t alive?’ Jools snapped.

  ‘No, of course not. But that no one had to get hurt.’

  ‘Me too,’ Stella said. ‘It’s not easy for anyone. I just wish that things hadn’t got so serious between Dad and Alice. It makes it harder for him to accept that he might lose her.’

  ‘He has to let go, Stella. He has to stop texting and calling her.’ Jools wiped her eyes. ‘Dad has suffered enough.’

  I stayed quiet. There was nothing else to say.

  ‘Hello there.’ We turned to see Dan standing behind us. I almost had a heart attack. Jools’s mouth hung open.

  ‘Hi, Dad! Why don’t you join us?’ Stella said.

  It was obvious they’d planned it. I felt very uncomfortable.

  Jools found her voice. ‘This is not cool. I’m sorry, Dan, but we can’t see you. Come on, Holly.’ She stood up to go, pulling me by the arm, but I was frozen to the spot.

  Dan looked upset. ‘Jools, come on, it’s me, Dan.’

  Jools shook her head. ‘It’s not right. Talking to you is like cheating on Dad.’

  ‘Please, girls, I’ve missed you. I just wanted to see you and say hello. Please, just five minutes?’

  Jools looked at me and I nodded. She sat down again.

  ‘How are you?’ Dan asked.

  ‘Fine,’ Jools said.

  ‘We miss you all, don’t we, Stella?’

  Jools gritted her teeth. ‘Look, I know it’s hard for you and Stella but you have to leave us alone. We have to concentrate on Dad now. I know you love Mum but you have to let her go, Dan. She needs to be with Dad.’

  Dan spread his hands wide on the table. ‘It’s not that easy. I love your mum. We were about to get married and spend the rest of our lives together, remember?’

  ‘Of course we do,’ Jools said. ‘But that’s in the past now.’

  ‘You don’t just fall out of love, Jools. I want to give you all a great life. I know your dad is back, and I’m so happy for you girls. I’m not trying to interfere in your relationship with him.’

  ‘But you are,’ I said quietly. ‘By calling Mummy and texting her.’

  ‘Your mum texts and calls back too,’ Stella said. ‘It’s not just Dad.’

  Jools froze. I put my hand on her leg under the table to calm her down.

  ‘I love her, Holly, and I think she still loves me too. Look, all I want is for Alice to be happy,’ Dan said.

  ‘She loves Dad. She wants to be with him,’ Jools said, but she didn’t sound convinced.

  ‘I’m not trying to upset you, but the bottom line here is that I want to spend the rest of my life with Alice and I’m not giving up on her. I think we can find a way where we’ll all be happy. I’m not trying to take your dad’s place. I just want to be with the woman I love.’

  I could feel my hands shaking. I felt so mixed up inside, but I was angry too. ‘But you are taking his place. You’re taking up his place in her heart. You’re not giving her a chance to be with Daddy. You’re always in the background, calling and texting. If you really loved her, you’d give her space and let her make her own mind up. That’s true love.’ I couldn’t believe I’d said so much.

  Jools squeezed my hand under the table. ‘We have to go,’ she said.

  Stella and Dan stood up. ‘Can I please have a hug?’ Dan asked, and he just looked so sad.

  We hugged them both quickly, and as we turned to leave, Dan said, ‘Just remember, if she does decide to be with me, I’ll look after all of you, just like I promised.’

  Jools hustled me out of the door and when we got outside she turned to me, smiling. ‘You were amazing in there. I was so proud of you.’

  I was literally dumbfounded. Jools had actually given me a compliment.

  Alice

  Alice stared at the two rings, sitting side by side in their boxes on the bedside table. They represented two very different men and two very different sides of her life. She knew what she had to do. She knew she had to do the right thing. Her head told her to focus on Ben and her family … but every time she thought of Dan, her heart skipped a beat.

  Things with Ben were improving. He was making a huge effort and she could see that the girls were more comfortable with him now. Jools acted as if he’d never been away and Holly was finally relaxed in his company. Alice could see how hard Ben had worked to make that happen and he was really trying with her too, but she couldn’t let go. When they had sex, she missed Dan. When Ben kissed her or touched her, she felt awkward and tense.

  It would destroy a part of her, but she was clear that there was only one solution: remove Dan from her life. She felt she could do it this time. They were meeting tonight, to talk, and she had insisted they were in a public place, so she couldn’t give in to her physical desire for him, like last time. She had to stay in control. It was impossible to keep living this double life. She knew she had to make a choice and live with it. What she was doing now was hurtful and wrong. It couldn’t continue.

  Ben came into the bedroom as she was dressing. ‘You look nice.’

  ‘Oh, thanks.’

  ‘Where are you off to?’

  Alice avoided eye contact. ‘I just need to pop out for an hour.’

  Ben froze. ‘Pop out where?’

  Alice didn’t want to get into an argument before she met Dan. She was upset enough as it was. ‘Just out.’

  ‘Are you meeting Dan?’

  Alice pulled up the zip of her boot. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I see.’ Ben’s jaw set.

  ‘I’m going to meet him to break up with him for good. Okay? Happy now? I’m giving him up for you.’

  Ben looked into her eyes. ‘I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of pity or duty.’

  Alice looked away. ‘It’s not that, it’s … We’re a family and I have to focus on that.’

  ‘We’re not a family if one of us wishes they were somewhere else all the time.’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘You check your phone a hundred times a day, you switch off during most of our conversations and you’re constantly distracted.’

  Alice felt anger bubbling up inside her. ‘Jesus, Ben, I’m doing my best. It’s not easy when your dead husband walks through the door. I’m trying to adjust. Give me a break here.’

  ‘You’re not the only one it’s difficult for, Alice. We’re all adjusting.’

 
‘Well, maybe I’m going to take longer than you. Maybe I changed more than you did. Maybe I had to change to get through the mess you left behind.’

  Ben closed his eyes. ‘You have to let it go, Alice. We can never put this behind us if you don’t let go. I’m sorry. I hate myself for what I did, but I can’t change it. All I can do is try to make it up to you, but I can’t do that if you won’t let me. I know I was selfish. Jesus Christ, I’ve apologized a million times to you and the girls. I know I was an idiot. I’ve regretted it every day since the day I walked out of here and got on that plane. I’ve tortured myself about it, but I can’t undo it. I don’t know many ways to say I’m sorry. The girls have forgiven me. Why can’t you?’

  Alice yanked on her other boot and stood up, shaking with anger. ‘Maybe it’s because I sat here and watched their hearts breaking. I spent two years holding them up, supporting them and trying to fix their heartbreak. I had to make sure they didn’t spiral into depression or go off the rails. They were so shattered and so fragile emotionally, I was terrified for them. I did everything I could to keep them safe and secure, and I think I did a bloody good job. They’re really well adjusted despite all of the turmoil.’

  Ben paused. ‘Did you know Jools was self-harming?’

  Alice stood still. ‘What?’

  ‘She’s been cutting herself.’

  What the hell was he talking about? Jools didn’t cut herself. ‘Bullshit.’

  ‘When was the last time you saw her arms?’

  Alice thought about it. She had noticed that Jools always wore long sleeves but she’d put it down to a teenage fashion thing. She’d never suspected anything. Had she really missed it? Self-harm? Oh, Jesus.

  ‘Her arms are always covered because they’re marked with scars.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘She told me.’

  Alice’s legs began to shake. She sat on the bed. How had she missed it? How could she not have known that Jools was hurting herself? She’d thought she’d been on top of things. She’d thought she knew everything. She’d thought she’d protected them and given them all the emotional support they needed.

  ‘How long has it been going on?’