The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

‘She said she did it on and off for about a year. She stopped a few months ago.’

  ‘Poor Jools.’ Alice began to cry.

  Ben came over and tried to put his arm around her but she moved away. She didn’t want him near her. She was furious that he had dumped this on her, right now, and clearly thought she was at fault.

  ‘I suppose you think I did a bad job, missing the fact that my daughter was slicing her arms open?’

  ‘No, I don’t. I just want you to stop blaming me. We can’t move forward if you don’t forgive me, Alice. I’m not perfect, but neither are you.’

  Alice narrowed her eyes. ‘Are you seriously going to try to turn this on me? Are you trying to say I messed up?’

  ‘No!’ Ben stood up and went to light a cigarette.

  ‘Don’t you dare light that thing. I’m sick of the house stinking of cigarettes. You know I hate the smell. I put up with it at first, but you have to go outside if you want to smoke. It makes me feel nauseous. And, by the way, I know Jools smokes. I didn’t miss everything. I’m not a bad mother.’

  Ben put the cigarette down. ‘I never said you were. I just want you to stop being angry. You’re so tense all the time that I can’t talk to you. I want to get close to you again, Alice. Stop pushing me away.’

  ‘I’m not.’ Alice was defensive. ‘I’m just trying to deal with everything that’s going on and make sure the girls are okay and earn money and look after everyone.’

  Ben placed his hand on her arm. ‘You don’t have to do everything on your own. I’m here. I can help. I’m back now. You don’t need anyone else. Let Dan go.’

  Alice felt herself beginning to panic. She was having trouble breathing. It was all too much. She had to get out of there. She picked up her coat. ‘I have to go.’

  Ben put out his hand to stop her, but she brushed past him. ‘I love you, Alice. I love you more than any other man possibly could.’

  Alice was crying as she ran down the stairs.

  Dan was sitting in the window of the café, typing into his BlackBerry. As she approached, Alice paused to observe him. He was so confident and strong and sexy. It was going to be so difficult to let him go. Why was life so cruel? What had she done to deserve so much upheaval and pain?

  As if sensing he was being watched, Dan looked up and saw her. A slow smile spread across his face and Alice felt her stomach plummet. It was going to be so hard to give him up. He represented ease and no worries, like a slice of perfection she could shelter in whenever things got rough. Life with him would be uncomplicated, she was sure of that. He was so attentive, so in love with her, it would all be so easy. And that ease was incredibly tempting, to fall into it, let herself go and give herself up to it. She felt her resolve crumbling, her mind starting to wonder if there was an alternative … An image of Jools popped into her head. How could she have been so caught up in her romance that she had missed her daughter’s self-harming? The guilt of that burnt in her chest. She dug deep within herself to find courage, then put her shoulders back and walked to Dan’s table.

  When she reached him, he stood up and pulled her into his arms. She rested her face in his neck.

  ‘Oh dear, this is going to hurt, isn’t it?’ he whispered.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, trying not to cry.

  They sat down opposite each other and held hands. They stared into each other’s eyes, not speaking.

  ‘Thank you.’ Alice broke the silence.

  ‘You don’t have to thank me.’

  ‘Yes, I do. You were so wonderful to me. I was so happy with you. You are such a good man.’

  ‘Oh, God, those past tenses are killing me.’

  ‘I have to … I have to …’ Tears spilt down Alice’s cheeks. ‘I don’t want to, I really don’t, but I have to …’

  ‘I know.’ Dan wiped away her tears with his hand. ‘I know, darling.’

  ‘I wish it was different. I’m so confused and angry and tired. I hate this. I hate letting you go. I’m so sorry, Dan.’

  ‘Hey, you’re an incredible woman. I’m very glad you came into my life. We had a great time. But you have to give your marriage a go, I get it. He’s a lucky man.’

  ‘I don’t even know if it’s going to work. I don’t know if I love him enough. I don’t know anything any more. I feel as if I’ve been robbed of happiness again.’

  ‘I know that feeling.’ Dan smiled sadly.

  ‘Oh, Dan, this is so unfair to you. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault. None of us could have foreseen what happened. Just one of those things, as my own father would have said.’

  Alice reached into her pocket, took out the Cartier box and placed it on the table in front of him.

  ‘I bought that for you. It’s yours.’

  ‘I can’t keep it.’

  ‘You can, Alice. I’m saying you can. It was intended as a lifelong gift and that’s just what I want it to be.’

  Alice gulped back tears. ‘No, Dan, I really can’t. I know you want me to, but as long as I have it in my possession, in my house, it says that my heart is split in two, and I can’t live like that. I have to choose one life and live it. It’s wrong to keep it, disrespectful to you and to Ben.’

  ‘But you can’t erase me out of your life. We happened, Alice. We were real. I love you, and I want you to keep a symbol of all that. Don’t discard it. You may eventually change your mind.’

  She could see that he was getting angry. Why shouldn’t he be angry? she thought. He’s become the fall guy in a situation not of his making and that he can’t control, which he must hate. His insistence was probably a desire to exert some control over things, but that was a luxury she just couldn’t give him. ‘Please don’t be angry, Dan,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to leave here with bad feeling between us. But I need you to understand that I have to give you up, which means I have to give up this gift. It’s important that I do that.’

  Dan sighed impatiently. ‘All right, Alice. I don’t really understand, but if it’s important to you, I’ll go along with it.’ He looked at her sadly. ‘Alice, is this what you really want, in your heart of hearts?’

  She couldn’t meet his eyes. The burning sensation in her chest was back and it was taking all her strength to hold herself together. Into her hands she whispered, ‘No.’

  Dan reached across the table and grabbed her hands, kissing them, holding on to her. ‘Then, please, choose us. I know it won’t be easy, but you just say one word to me right now, Alice, just say yes, and I promise you, this time next year all the hard bit will be long over and you’ll be wondering why you even considered going back to him. You’ll be happy, Alice. I’ll work so hard to make sure the girls are happy, too, give them whatever they want. Stella is one hundred per cent behind us. We can be happy – you just have to say the word. That’s all. I know I’m the man for you, Alice. I know I can make you happier than he can. Stop fighting it and just accept that it’s the truth, even if you feel bad for admitting it. Put this ring back on your finger and don’t even go back there. Come home with me now. We’ll sort it out.’

  He was staring at her, willing her to give the ‘right’ answer, willing her to choose him.

  ‘Dan, if Ben hadn’t come back, I would have married you and lived out my life with you. But he did come back. I can’t change that, and nor can you. And I made a promise to him on our wedding day that we would do this for better or worse. This is the worst worse we’ve gone through, but I have to try to see it through. I owe it to my family.’ She drew his hands towards her and kissed them. ‘I have to let you go, Dan. I’m so sorry.’

  Dan pulled his hands away and sat back in his seat. He looked weary and angry – a man who had given it his all, only to be rejected. ‘Okay. There’s nothing more I can say or do. You’ve made your decision. Go home and give it your best shot. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, which I don’t think it will, call me.’

  Alice nodded, unable to speak now as the tears ran down her
cheeks. They stood up, embraced, and Alice gave Dan a final kiss. Then she walked out of the restaurant and away from the life she wanted to live.

  Holly

  Mummy knocked on my bedroom door and asked if she could speak to me. I was lying on my bed, reading. She had her serious face on and I was terrified she was going to tell me she was leaving Daddy for Dan. I felt sick and panicky. I sat up, gripping my duvet because I was so scared of what she was going to say.

  ‘Holly, I need to ask you if there was anything I missed while Daddy was away.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I was puzzled by the question.

  ‘I mean, did you have any problems I missed, like issues in school or with friends or with grief in general?’

  ‘No, Mummy, nothing I didn’t tell you about. I did have to have the calculator near me all the time, but now that Daddy’s back I don’t need it. Why are you asking?’

  Mummy was twisting her hands together and I could see she was trying not to cry. ‘I may have missed something with Jools. I feel terrible about it and I want to make sure there’s nothing I failed to notice with you. Did you ever feel so sad that you couldn’t cope and wanted to … well …’

  It suddenly hit me: she knew about Jools cutting herself.

  ‘How did you find out about Jools?’

  ‘My God, you knew?’ Mummy was crushed. ‘How did I not see it? You were just a little girl and you knew.’ She looked so shocked. ‘Christ, how bad a mother have I been?’

  ‘You’re a brilliant mother,’ I said. ‘Jools was very secretive and I only knew about it because I walked in on her one time. That’s all.’

  She took a deep breath and sat down on my bed beside me.

  ‘How did you find out?’ I asked.

  ‘Dad told me. But why didn’t you say anything at the time, Holly? You should have told me, pet. It’s dangerous, she –’

  ‘Don’t blame Holly.’

  Jools was standing behind us in the doorway.

  ‘I made her swear not to tell you. I never wanted you to know. You had enough to deal with and I knew you’d freak out.’

  Mummy stood up and went over to Jools. ‘Of course I’d freak out. Jesus, Jools, you could have killed yourself.’

  Jools rolled her eyes. ‘I was careful.’

  ‘I’m so sorry I missed it. I should have noticed. I should have protected you.’

  ‘Oh, God, don’t get all emotional, it’s fine. It’s over. Dad shouldn’t have told you.’

  ‘Have you really stopped?’ Mummy asked.

  ‘Shortly after you met Dan. I don’t know why, everything seemed to settle down and the house was calmer and less sad and … I just didn’t need it any more.’

  Mummy bit her lip. ‘I wanted to tell you both that I’ve ended it with Dan. I met him and gave back the ring and told him it was really over.’

  Jools was smiling. I was glad but I felt sorry for Dan. He must have been so upset.

  Mummy was staring at Jools. ‘I can’t bear to think of you in so much pain that you cut yourself. I wish you’d told me – I could have helped. I’m your mother – it’s my job to notice – and I’m a bloody doctor. How did I miss it? I’m so sorry.’

  Jools shook her shoulder. ‘Stop it. Stop blaming yourself. I was an idiot. Now I’m fine and it’s over. You were brilliant when Dad wasn’t here. You did everything for us, Mum. You were the best mother in the world. You have nothing to be sorry for.’

  That set Mummy off because Jools never says nice things to her. Mummy sobbed and sobbed.

  Jools put her arm around her and leant her head against Mummy’s. She looked like she was the mother comforting the child.

  ‘It’s okay, it’s okay now, it’s okay, Mum,’ Jools said over and over. ‘You’re fine, I’m fine, Holly’s fine, Dad’s fine. It’s all okay. We’ll be okay.’

  Mummy nodded, but she kept crying. She cried like her world was ending.

  Ben

  Kevin sat opposite Ben in the coffee shop, read through the list and circled one name. He handed the piece of paper back to Ben.

  ‘Why not Venice?’ Ben asked.

  ‘She went there with Dan.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘It should be Paris. She loves Paris and it’s where you got engaged. That’s the place.’

  ‘I promised to take Alice to Paris as soon as I got back from Eritrea. I was worried going there now might remind her of that promise. But you’re right. It’s full of good memories. It’s a place where we were very much in love.’ Ben fidgeted with his pen. ‘How do you think she is now?’

  Kevin paused. ‘When they first broke up she was upset, but in the last two weeks she’s been calmer. She’s less distracted and more present. I think she’s slowly coming back to herself.’

  Ben looked at his brother-in-law. ‘Is she coming back to me?’

  Kevin put his hands up. ‘I can’t answer that because I honestly don’t know. She doesn’t talk about it. But she seems lighter and less weighed down. I think the guilt was eating her up. Alice is not the cheating kind, as you well know. I think she was overdosing on Irish Catholic levels of guilt.’

  ‘I’m sorry to ask you this, but I have to know. Is it really over?’

  Kevin nodded. ‘To the best of my knowledge, yes.’

  ‘Well, that’s something,’ he said.

  ‘She’s trying, Ben. She really is.’

  ‘I know, but she still feels far away. She’s still distant and not really with me.’

  ‘She’s had a lot of stuff to deal with. I mean, I can’t even imagine how hard it is to have grieved the death of someone only for them to turn up again. You knew she was alive, but she never for one moment thought you had survived. The report from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office was very clear that you and Declan were dead. Harold organized that awful memorial service with the empty coffin, then Alice had the ceremony for you in the garden. They were tough times. While Alice was trying to deal with your death, she went very close to the edge, Ben. She had to put your memories away to survive.’

  ‘And I had to cling to our memories to survive.’

  Kevin looked at his watch. ‘I have to go, sorry. We’ve ten more patients to see. But we’ve covered everything, haven’t we? And it’s a really good idea. I’m rooting for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Kevin, for everything.’

  Kevin squeezed Ben’s shoulder and disappeared out of the door.

  Jools padded outside in her slippers and coat and sat beside Ben on the garden bench.

  ‘Another nightmare?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Will they ever stop?’ she asked.

  ‘The psychiatrist thinks so. They’re fewer and less frequent already, so it’s going in the right direction.’

  They smoked in companionable silence.

  ‘I hate that tree,’ Jools said.

  Ben was surprised. ‘I thought you liked it.’

  ‘It’s just a constant reminder that you used to be dead and of sad times.’

  Ben stubbed out his cigarette. ‘I hate that bloody tree, too. Sometimes I feel I can’t see the future for the tree. We need to leave the past behind and focus on moving on.’

  ‘I agree.’

  Ben jumped up. ‘Let’s cut the bugger down.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yes. Do you think Mum will be cross?’

  Jools thought for a moment. ‘No. It’s a sad tree. It’s a tree that reminds us all of death.’

  Ben smiled. ‘Let’s get the saw from the shed.’

  Thankfully, the tree wasn’t very big. It still took them an hour and a lot of puffing and panting to trim the bigger branches, then chop through the trunk.

  As the tree fell sideways, they clapped.

  ‘Goodbye and good riddance,’ Ben said.

  It felt good to cut the tree down. Ben was taking back control of his life and eliminating the negative reminders of what had happened. It was cathartic to feel that he was cutting the past out of his life.
/>
  He went over to deal with the roots and saw something shining in the moonlight. He bent down and pushed back the mud. It was a little metal box.

  ‘What is it, Dad?’ Jools peered over his shoulder.

  Ben showed her the box.

  ‘Gosh, I’d forgotten all about that. Mum buried it with the tree when we planted it. I think there was a letter inside.’

  Ben tried to open the catch, but it was stuck. He went into the kitchen, Jools following.

  Ben got a knife out of the kitchen drawer and prised open the box. Inside was an envelope. It said Ben in Alice’s big loopy writing.

  ‘I’m tired after all that. I’m going to bed. I’ll leave you to read it in peace. Night, Dad.’ Jools kissed him and went upstairs.

  Ben sat down. He opened the letter, unfolded it and began to read.

  My darling Ben,

  How I wish my last words to you weren’t angry ones. How I wish I could go back in time and tell you that I love you before you walk out the door and out of our lives.

  I’m sorry I was angry with you. I know you were just looking for adventure. I understand that you felt restless. I was just so scared of losing you and now I have.

  How am I going to live without you? You’re my best friend, my rock, my everything. Who am I going to talk to, confide in, ask for advice from, laugh with, love?

  I always looked around at other couples and felt smug. None of them had what we had. None of them were as close as we were. None of them loved each other like we did.

  God, Ben, I love you so much. I wish I’d told you that more often. I wish I’d told you every day. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. We were so happy, Ben. Do you remember our wedding day? We were so in love.

  And then the girls! Our two little miracles. Jools looking so like you and Holly like me, both of them a mixture of our personalities. You were such a great dad. I’m so angry that the girls won’t get to have you in their lives as they grow up. You always knew what to say to Jools and how to handle her when she was being difficult. She worshipped you. Her heart is so broken, it’s painful to look at her. And Holly, she’s like a lost kitten. She loved you so much. You were her hero. Oh, God, Ben, what am I going to do without you?