Night Sky

by Jolene Perry

  “I wanted to thank you…for today.” She’s picking at her fingernails, not looking at me.

  “Is that normal? His temper?”

  She shakes her head. “No, I just broke up with him, and he was mad.”

  We’re sitting shoulder to shoulder on my floor, our backs against the foot of my bed. I lean my head back to rest against the mattress.

  “I thought you and Eric were happy,” I say.

  “I don’t know, I guess we were.” She lets her legs relax in front of her.

  “Then why did you break up with him?” And why do I suddenly feel like it has something to do with me?

  She bites her lower lip. She doesn’t want to answer. “I can’t believe I never saw it. You…liking me.” Sarah’s eyes find mine. Her voice is soft and I can see the freckles on her face closer than I ever have before.

  “Well, I never said anything.” I pull my knees up resting my arms over them. I’m trying to be casual, but I know why she broke up with him. As unbelievable as I thought it would be the night I watched them at the dance—she broke up with him, at least in part, because of me. I just need to hear her say it…once. “Why did you break up?” Please Sarah, be honest with me.

  “Jameson, I…” She leans toward me, watching me. “I got swept up in what I thought I wanted. When I think of some of the things I said to you, and how I acted around you, it makes me cringe. I’ve missed you so much.”

  Please tell me what I need to hear. Tell me you like me. That you broke up with him for me. Maybe it doesn’t matter, or maybe Sarah can heal the ragged edges around my heart left by Sky.

  “I miss being around you and…” She doesn’t say any more. She closes the rest of the distance between us and presses her lips to mine.

  I don’t react at first. I’m in shock. This is Sarah…my Sarah. I know I’m confused and that everything has gone to crap, but maybe that means something can go right for once. I slide my good hand up her arm until it’s resting on her neck. I bring us together again. She kisses me back in the way I’d imagined for the three years we were friends.

  For three years, I waited for this moment, and now I can’t enjoy it. I’m split into thirds. One third is thrilled to finally have Sarah in my arms. One third is screaming because I want Sky here instead. And the final third is just mad at everyone. I’m mad at Sarah for not seeing the possibility of her and I sooner, and for not saying what I wanted to hear. I’m mad at Sky for not telling me about her daughter, and I’m mad at my parents for splitting up. And now, to top it all off—I’m scared for my Dad who’s spending the night in the hospital.

  Is this my happy ending? Or is it something else?

  It’s too much to deal with, too much to think about. I tighten my arm around Sarah, and kiss her harder.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  I’m suspended for three days and grounded indefinitely. I’m missing the final days of my senior year. But my teachers and I have gone back and forth on email. They’ll make sure I’m able to maintain my grades. I can tell not one of them likes Eric as much as they like me. I’m sure they have a better understanding than the principal of what’s been going on between the three of us.

  I’m banished from using the phone. I stay in my room. I lie on my bed and think about the day Sky and I lied on her bed together. Was the whole thing an act—her confidence, her flirtatiousness…even her smile? I’m not sure. I hate that I’m second-guessing everything. I hate that she hasn’t called, and I hate that she hasn’t even bothered to send me an email to try and explain.

  Now I feel guilty because there are things I need to tell her. Like I kissed Sarah and I have no idea of where things stand between us. Does it matter that I kissed Sarah? I want it to matter to Sky. I want her to call. To be mad at me, or just to say that she’s sorry. Anything.

  I’m determined to take the high road. Determined. I’m going to clear everything on my side. Everything. I sit in front of my computer and type.

  Sky –

  I’m going to be brutally honest. Sarah kissed me, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I wanted to prove to you that I could tell her and I did. She broke it off with Eric and came to my room a few days later. I was mad at you, and scared about my Dad (he’s okay now, after having a heart attack). She kissed me, and I kissed her back.

  Everything suddenly feels temporary. I thought I could trust you. And now I feel like an asshole because I just told you I kissed another girl and then I complain about trust…you know what I’m saying.

  Why did you think I didn’t want to know about your daughter? Why weren’t you able to share that part of your life with me? It feels like the whole time we were together, I thought we were something different, and we really weren’t. I don’t know how to feel about that.

  I miss you, Sky, like I’ve never missed anyone. I don’t know if I have the right to say that, but I do. I’ll get myself together. Everything’s a mess right now. It’s not how I pictured my senior year. I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever hear from you again, which pretty much sucks more than anything I can imagine right now.

  Jay

  Before I can change my mind, I hit send.

  Maybe this is how our relationship ends. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I was here to listen to her about her family, and she was here to listen to me about mine, and about Sarah. Maybe we were just put together for a short time to help one another with these crazy things we have going on.

  But the thought just about crushes me. Now I get to have Sarah, and things will turn out like they should have in the beginning. Only knowing I can be with Sarah doesn’t feel like I thought it would. It doesn’t feel right. It feels like something’s missing, and I’m afraid it’s just because she’s not Sky. That’s something I don’t know how to fix.

  ***

  After three days of movies where stuff is blown up and people drop the f-bomb in British accents, I’ve watched every guy movie in the house. I’m looking forward to getting out of the here—no matter what.

  Dad is still in the hospital. He gets to leave today, but I’m not sure where he’ll end up.

  I drive to school, finally. I want to feel that nervous anticipation of hoping I’ll get a glimpse of her, hoping we’ll see one another. Instead, I know I’ll see Sarah in the morning and again for third period English. We’ll spend lunch together and might meet after school to go swimming.

  I step into the government room with my binder. Graduation is the only item on the agenda since there are only a few days of school left. Sarah’s holding a letter in her hand and laughing with Kaylee. I’m glad to see her, it’s been three days, but am I as happy about it as I should be? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like Sky, and I guess that’s all the answer I need.

  “What’s up?” I ask, dropping my backpack onto a chair.

  “I just got my acceptance to study in London for a year!” Sarah’s face is filled with happiness and excitement.

  “And you’re taking it?” Three days after kissing me? But she doesn’t have to answer. Of course she’ll take it. The fact that I feel a pretty even mix of sadness and relief sort of answers any question of how I feel about Sarah.

  She half skips to where I stand and almost puts our lips together. Her arms wrap around my neck. “This is high school, Jamesy. No one stays with the person they meet in high school.” This is her brilliant explanation?

  Her arms hold me, but my arms are down at my sides. “Right.”

  She stands up taller, putting her lips close to my ear. “Don’t be mad. I hoped you’d be my first, before we left for college.” Her body presses against me, and it just doesn’t feel right. All the fun, childish things I used to like about her, I don’t anymore—not in the way she’s suggesting.

  I back away. “It’s not about physics, Sarah…” It’s about chemistry, but I don’t say it out loud because I’d sound like a dork. My pack slides easily onto my back as I head for the door. I don’t know why I’m so hurt. She just doesn’t get it. Being so casual
about losing her virginity makes me wonder how well I ever actually liked her. Almost as much as her telling me that no one stays with the person they met in high school. I knew when I stepped into the room that I didn’t feel for Sarah what I should for the two of us to be together, but her second rejection stings almost as much as the first. Whether my feelings are all still there or not, she now has the facts and this is what she’s choosing to do with them.

  She follows me to the door. “Oh, come on, Jameson. You know I wanted us to get together and it sucks that it didn’t happen sooner, but we could still have a really great summer together.”

  And it hits me right then what’s changed about Sarah. She’s trying to be someone she’s not. She doesn’t know who she is anymore. She’s lost. And I can’t imagine being with someone like that. The problem is that when a relationship really means something, it messes with your head. No one messes with my head like Sky, and I love it. I love her. As I walk down the hall, I realize I haven’t taken a deep breath since she left.

  I start toward my locker. I can’t stay here, there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate. Besides, even if I didn’t do a shred of work for the rest of the year, I’d still graduate.

  “Jameson,” Sarah calls behind me.

  I keep walking.

  “Jameson!” she yells. She catches up and grabs my arm. “Aren’t we even going to give it a try? I don’t want to lose you.” A tear slides down her cheek.

  I wipe it away with my thumb. “We never had each other, Sarah. Not if we didn’t care enough to say what we really mean.” I spin around and walk away.

  I head out of the school just wanting to be home. I’ll just claim I thought my suspension was for four days. I stop next to my car. I can’t do it. I can’t walk out…crap. I turn back around and don’t care what people say about the fight or me and Sarah, or anything. It just doesn’t matter anymore. Sky—she’s all I can think about. I need to get myself together before I even attempt to talk to her. Sky won’t want me like this. She’s too good to take me like this. She was right. I wasn’t over Sarah for our first round. But I will be over her for our second…if there’s a second. And that horrible word comes up again—if.

  Now I’m dreading third period English where I’m supposed to sit next to Sarah. She stares at me with a face full of sympathy.

  “We’re okay.” I sit down next to her. “But you and I aren’t designed to be more than friends.”

  “Okay.” She frowns, looking sad and rejected. What I would have done for that look a couple of months ago? I slide my arm across her back and pull her into a hug. This is how Sarah and I feel good together…as friends. She puts her arm around me. And she feels like a sister, a friend. Things are finally resolved between us.

  The teacher walks up to my desk. “The principal wants to see you,” he says, handing me a hall pass. Perfect. I let Sarah go, take the slip and head down the hallway. This is probably where he tells me if I can walk at graduation or not. I care about it for my parents, but that’s it.

  I knock.

  “Jameson, come on in.” He looks tired.

  “It’s about graduation, right?”

  The look on his face says it all.

  “I can’t walk.”

  “You really did a number on Eric. If it wasn’t you and it wasn’t the end of the year, you would have been expelled. Eric’s nose is broken and he’s missing two teeth.”

  “Wow,” I say, sitting down. Eric deserved to be hit, but not like that.

  “It’s alright.” I stand up and reach my good hand over the desk. “Sorry.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Just peachy.” I chuckle once. “I’ll be alright.” I let out a breath.

  “Congratulations on setting the new freestyle record.”

  “Oh yeah, thanks.” Crazy thing is that I almost forgot. One goal accomplished. The one that seemed like the most important thing earlier in the year, and I’ve already forgotten about it. Amazing how things change.

  The rest of the school day passes in a blur of odd stares from my teachers and a million questions from my classmates. It’s about what I expected. I’m grateful there are only a few days left. Then I can walk out of here for good.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  I walk into the house to see Mom and Dad sitting on the couch together watching HGTV as if nothing ever happened.

  “Hey.” I close the door slowly behind me.

  “Hey, sweetie.” Mom waves, but turns back around, resting her head on Dad’s shoulder.

  Best to give them the news now. I step into the living room. “Got a sec?” We’ll get to the whole Mom and Dad together on the couch thing in a minute.

  “Of course.” Dad smiles.

  “I can’t walk at graduation. You know, because of the fight.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” Dad starts to tense up, and Mom rests her hand on his shoulder.

  “I knocked out two of his teeth and broke his nose,” I explain.

  Dad holds in a smile. Mom sighs in sadness and frustration. “What happened, Jameson?” she asks.

  “I told you, he was standing over Sarah and she looked scared.”

  “But shouldn’t they take that into consideration?” Mom asks, leaning forward.

  “They did. It means I still get to graduate. I just don’t get to walk.” It’s crazy to know that a few minutes of lost temper almost cost me my entire high school career.

  “So…” I look between them. “Are you home for good?”

  Dad nods. “I’m home.”

  “Okay.” I clench my jaw. I really don’t want to cry, not now, not in front of anyone, not alone. Just, not at all.

  I step into the kitchen and take the saran wrap to my room. I need to get in the water. It takes a measurable portion of the roll to cover my arm appropriately. But I finally have it.

  The late afternoon air is hot. It feels good on my skin as I step outside. I know the pool will feel even better. I slide in more slowly than I ever bother doing. I swim out to the middle and let myself sink to the bottom. I go up and down a few times and then lie floating on my back. I want to reach out and touch Sky’s fingers. I want to hear more about her home…her family…her beliefs.

  How did Sarah and Sky ever get twisted around in my heart? How could I have ever been confused or mistaken? I need to find a way to talk to Sky. I want her to know that I’m different. That just knowing her has changed me. And I love her for that.

  There’s no way I’m ready to admit I may never see her again. Right now my hope is that she won’t be gone too long. That she’ll want to tell me about herself and her daughter. That she’ll want to tell me everything, and I’ll be worthy of hearing it.

  “Hey.” Mom’s voice is soft.

  “Hey.” I continue to float.

  “You know that’s a waterproof cast, right? You don’t need to raid the saran wrap.”

  “What?” I stand up and look at the wad of plastic on my arm. “Guess I was a little out of it at the ER, huh?”

  She nods. “And I think you still have a lot on your mind.” She sits by the pool and lets her feet slide into the water.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Wanna talk?”

  “I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. In my limited experience, saying things out loud makes them more real and everything already feels too real for comfort. “I miss Sky, so bad.”

  “I know. Come over here and sit by me.” Mom pats the concrete next to her.

  I had a bit of extra spring to my jump, and manage to slide out of the water using one hand. It’s about time I told her everything. “Sky has a daughter,” I blurt out.

  “What?” Mom’s eyes widen in surprise.

  “There was a boy…and she didn’t want him, Mom…but he…” It still breaks me to think about it, and again, saying it out loud is even worse.

  Mom’s hand comes to her mouth like it always does when she receives staggering news.

  “That’s what brought her down here
. Her aunt’s raising her daughter, but there are apparently some clan issues with custody and the father is involved. It’s a mess, and I don’t know if she’ll be able to find a way out of it.”

  “I’m so sorry, Jay. I really, really like her. I just wish you two could have met two or three years down the road,” Mom says.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because she’s that awesome.”

  Awesome enough to keep around, forever…now it makes sense. “What did you two do that day you spent together?”

  Mom smiles. “We sat at the bottom of the pool, the way you like to do. Well, that was part of it.”

  “Does that mean you won’t scream my name when you see me down there anymore?” I laugh.

  “I promise.”

  “I really miss her,” I say, leaning my head against Mom’s shoulder.

  “Well, a phone call couldn’t hurt, right?”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready. There’s too much to say. And I don’t know what the phone situation is like where she is. What if I can’t even reach her?” Or what if we just yell at each other again? I don’t think I could take it. Not right now.

  “You should at least try.”

  “So…you and Dad?”

  “He’s sorry, genuinely sorry. We all get off track sometimes. It’s going to take a while for your father and I to get back to where we were before this whole mess, but we both want this marriage to work and we’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen.”

  “Just like that?” It sounds so easy.

  “When you both really want each other—you make it happen, you forgive because there’s nothing else you can do. Because you love each other enough, the other stuff doesn’t matter as much as it once did.”

  “Hmm…”

  “Just think about it, Jay.”

  “Yeah, I will.” Do I love Sky enough to forgive her? I guess at this point, we both have to forgive each other. But how can we even try to make up, if we’re not even talking?