The Rebel Who Loved Her

by Jennifer Taylor

  Ewan took a deep breath. He could feel it filling his lungs right enough but it achieved very little else. It certainly didn’t erase those pictures in his head, the ones of Becky modelling his ratty old T-shirt, neither did it screw down the lid on the box his libido was trying to climb out of. If he was honest, the extra oxygen simply enhanced all the bad things he was thinking and did nothing for the worthy, like the fact that he was playing the good Samaritan by inviting her into his home.

  ‘That’s all over with, Becky. We’ve both moved on since then, so let’s forget about it, shall we?’ He feigned a yawn, wanting to bring the conversation to a speedy conclusion. The last thing he needed right now was them going back over old ground. ‘Right, that’s me done for the night. I’ll see you in the morning. Sleep tight.’

  He closed the door, leaning against it for a moment while he gathered his strength. It would be the work of seconds to go back and discuss what had happened but what was the point? The past was the past and there was nothing to be achieved by dwelling on what might have happened, definitely no point wishing that the child who was sleeping in his bed tonight was theirs. Millie was another man’s daughter, not his. She never would be his, either.

  The pain of that thought stung but he ignored it. Going into the living room, he shoved the coffee table aside and set about converting the sofa into a bed. He’d forgotten to get himself a pillow or a blanket but it was too risky to go back for them. There was no point pushing himself beyond all sensible limits.

  ‘I thought you’d need these.’

  Ewan jumped when Becky appeared with a pillow and a blanket in her arms. She dropped them onto the sofa and grimaced. ‘That doesn’t look very comfortable.’

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ he assured her, picking up the blanket. He draped it over the sofa then smiled with as much cheer as he could muster. ‘I’ll be as snug as a bug in a rug, as my gran used to say.’

  ‘I hope so.’ She went to go then stopped. ‘I know you said to forget what happened but I can’t. I never meant to lead you on, Ewan, and I’m sorry if I did.’

  ‘You didn’t lead me on,’ he said flatly, sitting down on the edge of the sofa. There was a broken spring digging into his backside but he welcomed the discomfort because it gave him something to focus on apart from his own turbulent emotions. ‘The attraction was mutual.’

  ‘Yes, it was.’ She bit her lip. ‘It took me completely by surprise, if I’m honest.’

  ‘These things happen, Becky.’ He shrugged. ‘And at the end of the day you made the right decision by choosing to stay with Steve.’

  ‘I wish I could agree with you.’

  Ewan’s eyes flew to her face in shock. ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘Nothing. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  She turned to go but there was no way that he was letting her leave after saying that. He shot to his feet and caught hold of her arm.

  ‘Maybe not, but you did say it and I want to know what you meant. Weren’t you and Steve happy?’

  ‘Our marriage was like everyone else’s—we had good times and we had bad ones too.’

  Ewan could tell that she was fudging the issue and even though he knew it was a mistake, he was determined to get at the truth. ‘More bad times than good from the sound of it.’

  ‘A lot of marriages go through rocky patches,’ she said defensively.

  ‘And that’s what you went through, is it, rocky patches?’

  ‘Yes. Steve...well, he set himself very high goals.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with that,’ Ewan replied, not wanting it to appear as though he was criticising the other man.

  ‘No.’

  She bit her lip. Ewan could tell that she wanted to say something else and held his breath. It had to be her decision whether or not she confided in him, although whether he would want to hear what she had to say was another matter. For some reason he couldn’t explain, it would be incredibly painful to discover that Becky had been unhappy in her marriage.

  ‘Steve and I should never have got married,’ she said at last. ‘That’s the long and the short of it.’ She looked up and her eyes were very clear as they met his, clear and so devoid of emotion that Ewan felt as though his heart was cracking wide open. To know that Becky had been hurt so badly was almost more than he could bear. ‘I wasn’t right for him, you see, not supportive enough, not interesting enough, definitely not sexy enough.’

  She gave a bitter little laugh that cut him to the quick. It was all he could do not to beg her to stop, only that would have been cowardly. She needed to get this off her chest and he had to listen, no matter how agonising he found it.

  ‘So what happened?’

  ‘What you’d expect, basically. Steve had an affair.’ She shrugged. ‘That was why he was so keen to move to the city. All those times he was supposedly called back into work, he was actually seeing her.’

  ‘How did you find out?’ Ewan asked, sickened by the thought of Becky being treated so shoddily.

  ‘It was common knowledge in the hospital so it was simply a matter of time before I got to hear about it.’

  ‘What did you do then?’

  ‘We had a massive row and I threatened to leave, but Steve begged me not to for Millie’s sake. He said he didn’t want her growing up without both her parents present.’

  ‘And you agreed with him, I take it?’ Ewan said flatly, doing his best not to show how disgusted he felt about the other man’s behaviour.

  ‘Yes. I couldn’t bear to think of Millie suffering, so I agreed to give our marriage another go on condition that Steve never saw the woman again.’ She shrugged. ‘He swore their affair was over but the night he was killed, I found an earring in the car and it wasn’t mine.’

  Ewan cursed under his breath. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Asked him who it belonged to. Oh, he tried to explain it away but it was obvious he was lying and in the end he admitted that he was still seeing her. That’s what we were arguing about when the accident happened. If we hadn’t been, he might have seen the truck in time to avoid it. So, in a way, it’s my fault that he’s dead.’

  Becky took a deep breath. She felt strangely removed, as though it hadn’t been her speaking, but someone else. Ewan didn’t say a word, although that didn’t surprise her. What could he say? Even if he tried to tell her that she wasn’t to blame, she wouldn’t believe him. He hadn’t been there, hadn’t heard the terrible things she and Steve had said to one another.

  ‘That has to be the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!’

  The anger in his voice shocked her. Becky stared at him in surprise. ‘Crazy?’

  ‘Yes.’ He turned her round to face him, his eyes blazing into hers in a way that made heat flow through her numb veins. ‘You weren’t responsible for his death, Becky. It was an accident. One of those awful things that simply happen.’

  ‘You weren’t there,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘You’ve no idea what we said.’

  ‘Maybe I can’t repeat it verbatim but I can guess.’ He gave her a shake, not hard or roughly, just enough to emphasise the point he was making. ‘Your husband had just admitted he was still seeing another woman so you were hardly going to smile and agree that it was perfectly all right, were you?’

  ‘No ’

  ‘No.’ Another tiny shake, another blast from those searingly hot eyes, and the heat inside her turned into a flood. ‘You’re only human, Becky. You were bound to feel hurt and angry. It was only natural that you wanted to lash out.’

  ‘I kept thinking about what it would mean for Millie,’ she murmured.

  ‘That she wouldn’t have her daddy around while she was growing up?’ Ewan said softly, and she nodded.

  ‘Yes. The only reason I’d agreed to try and make a go of our marriage was because I didn’t want Millie to miss out on having a proper family.’

  ‘A lot of kids grow up without one parent or the other,’ he pointed out. ‘They manage fine, too. Anyway, I’m sure yo
u and Steve would have reached some sort of an understanding with regard to Millie. I can’t imagine that you’d have stopped him seeing her.’

  ‘I wouldn’t if it had been what he’d wanted. However, he made it clear that night that he wasn’t interested in seeing her.’

  ‘What! Are you sure?’

  Becky nodded. ‘Quite sure. As Steve put it, he was sorry that we’d ever had a child and if I thought he was going to spend the next umpteen years putting his life on hold while she grew up, I could think again.’ She laughed harshly. ‘Using Millie as the reason for us to stay together had just been an excuse. It turned out that the woman he was involved with was the wife of one of the members of the hospital board. It wouldn’t have done his career any good if she’d been cited in divorce proceedings.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ He tailed off, an expression of pain crossing his face as he let her go.

  ‘There’s nothing to say, Ewan. Maybe Steve only said it because he was angry—who knows? But it isn’t easy to forget it.’

  ‘I can understand that.’

  He sat down on the sofa, looking so shaken that Becky found herself wishing that she hadn’t told him. Maybe it had helped to get it off her chest but it wasn’t fair to have upset him in the process. She laid her hand on his shoulder, feeling the heat from his body seeping into her palm in a way that was all too familiar. Ewan had always generated a lot of heat, she suddenly recalled. In fact they’d used to joke about it. She had accused him of being hot-blooded and he had claimed that it only happened when he was with her.

  She removed her hand, unable to deal with the memory. It hurt to know that she had given up all they’d had for what she had believed would be a secure and stable life. ‘It’s time I let you go to bed. Thank you again for letting us stay. I appreciate it.’

  ‘It isn’t a problem.’ He summoned a smile but she could tell it was an effort. Her story had affected him even more than she had expected but it was too late to take it back.

  Becky wished him goodnight and went into the bedroom. Millie was fast asleep. She felt her forehead but it was cool to the touch with no hint of fever, not that she’d expected there would be. Ewan would never have allowed her to take Millie home if there’d been a chance of her suffering another convulsion.

  She sighed as she slipped off her clothes and picked up the T-shirt he had lent her. The cotton felt cool against her bare skin and, she felt her nipples peak as it slithered over her body and shuddered. It had been a long time since she’d felt any sexual stirrings but all of a sudden she was aware of her body in a way that surprised her.

  Climbing into bed, she made herself comfortable but sleep proved elusive. Although the sheets and pillowcases were freshly laundered, she could still smell Ewan on them, that spicy, masculine aroma that was his alone. When she finally drifted off to sleep, her dreams were filled with pictures of them together but not as they used to be. These pictures were of a time that hadn’t happened, of a time that must never happen. Maybe there was some vestige left of the old attraction they had felt for one another but it wasn’t enough; it never would be enough to make up for the fact that she had nothing to offer him. She could never ever give him a child.

  * * *

  Ewan let himself back into the flat, taking care not to make any noise. It was just gone seven but he’d been awake for hours. If truth be told, he hadn’t slept, merely lain awake thinking about everything Becky had told him. He still found it hard to take it all in but Becky hadn’t been lying. She had told him the truth, every painful word of it, and it hurt to know how she had suffered and not been able to do anything about it.

  He made his way to the kitchen, stopping dead when he found her sitting at the table. She was nursing a cup of tea and he got the impression that she’d been sitting there, nursing it, for some time, too. ‘What are you doing up so early?’ he asked, plonking the carrier bags he was holding onto the worktop.

  ‘I couldn’t sleep.’

  She gave him a quick smile but Ewan was aware that she avoided looking directly at him. Was she sorry that she had told him about her marriage? he wondered as he began decanting the contents of the first bag. Worried in case he told someone else? His mouth thinned at the thought that she didn’t trust him to keep her confidences.

  ‘If you’re worried that I’m going to tell anyone about what you said last night, there’s no need.’ He ripped open a packet of coffee and spooned some into the cafetière, trying not to let his disappointment show. Becky had no reason to trust any man after what had happened, not even him. ‘I have no intention of repeating what you told me, Becky.’

  ‘I know that.’ She met his gaze for a second before she looked away. ‘It isn’t your style to gossip, Ewan.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ Ewan wasn’t sure what to say. If it hadn’t been that keeping her awake then what had it been? He finished unpacking the first bag and started on the second.

  ‘Are you expecting an army for breakfast?’

  There was a hint of laughter in her voice and he felt his heart lighten. Glancing at the array of goodies he’d piled on the counter, he chuckled. ‘I wasn’t sure what you and Millie might fancy so I thought I’d better cover all bases.’

  ‘So I can see.’ Becky got up and came over to the counter. ‘Croissants, bacon, cereal, yoghurt, fruit, eggs... Hmm, the only thing missing is steak.’

  ‘Steak,’ he repeated rather hoarsely, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. Becky was wearing his T-shirt and he had to admit that it had never looked better than it did at that moment, the full swell of her breasts adding an extra allure to the washed-thin fabric.

  ‘To go with the eggs, of course.’ She gave a tiny giggle that made the hair all over his body stand to attention. ‘You always claimed that steak and eggs was the perfect breakfast. It gives you a double hit of protein plus umpteen other benefits, or so you maintained.’

  ‘Probably end up giving you a coronary as well if you indulged too often,’ he said wryly because he could do wry even if he couldn’t do much else. He added a pot of jam—to go with the croissants—to the pile then started on bag number three. Nappies, wet wipes and a packet of bibs emerged and Becky gasped.

  ‘You really have thought of everything!’ She picked up a Cellophane pack containing two little cotton sleep suits with butterflies embroidered on them and shook her head. ‘You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble, Ewan.’

  ‘It was no trouble. Anyway, they’re all things that Millie will need this morning.’ He rolled the bag into a ball and stuffed it under the sink, his heart turning over when he straightened up and saw the tears in her eyes. ‘What’s the matter? Have I bought the wrong size or something?’

  ‘No. They’re perfect.’ She gave a noisy sniff. ‘I just didn’t expect this...any of it.’

  Tears began to pour down her face as she swept a hand towards the worktop and Ewan did the only thing he could think of. Drawing her into his arms, he held her while she cried, feeling the shudders that racked her body. He had a feeling that it had been a long time since she had given in to her emotions and was suddenly glad that he’d been around when she needed comforting. If Becky needed a shoulder to cry on, she could have his. Willingly.

  ‘It’s okay, sweetheart. You have a good cry,’ he murmured, stroking her hair. A few silky tendrils snagged against the rough skin on his fingers and he gently freed them before letting his hand slide down her spine. Whether he’d intended to urge her closer, he wasn’t sure, but she took a tiny step towards him, just enough to bring her body into intimate contact with his, and Ewan felt his own emotions suddenly run riot. He could feel the soft swell of her breasts pressing against the wall of his chest, feel to the very second when her nipples hardened, and his heart ran wild. A lot of water might have flowed under the bridge but there were still feelings between them—that was obvious!

  He didn’t pause to think as he bent and kissed her, didn’t give himself time to wonder if he was making a mistake. He
just wanted to kiss her, just needed to feel the softness of her mouth under his once more. The years seemed to fade away as they stood there, their mouths joined, their bodies entwined.

  Becky was kissing him back and that was all that mattered, the fact that she wanted this as much as he did. What happened next was in the lap of the gods, although Ewan was under no illusions that it was the start of something. He wasn’t even sure that he wanted it to be. All he wanted was to hold Becky in his arms and kiss her, comfort her and, if he was honest, comfort himself too because what she had told him last night had put a dent in his own heart.

  His mouth opened over hers, inviting her to respond, and desire surged through him when she did so. He guessed that Becky had no more idea than he had where this was leading but it didn’t matter to her either. At this precise moment in time, this kiss was enough for both of them!

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  BECKY COULD FEEL her heart pounding, a fierce, wild rhythm that made her cling to Ewan. His mouth was so hot, so urgent and yet so tender as it plundered hers. Even in the throes of passion, Ewan was aware of her needs, put her first. He always had done.

  Tears stung her eyes once more and she heard him murmur in concern. However, when he went to pull back, she refused to let him go. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she drew his head down, taking the lead this time as she let her tongue slide between his lips. She didn’t want the kiss to end just yet. She felt safe in Ewan’s arms, safe and wonderfully alive. After the emotional wasteland she’d existed in these past few years, it was a marvellous feeling.

  ‘Becky, please.’ His hands gently gripped her shoulders as he set her away from him. ‘I think we should stop.’

  His voice was firm, but she could hear the desire it held and smiled. ‘If it’s what you really want.’

  He groaned as he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her hungrily. ‘Of course it isn’t what I want! But I don’t want us to do something we’ll regret either.’

  A chill ran down her spine. Tilting her head, she stared into his face. ‘You’re sorry this happened?’