Saving Rain

by Karen-Anne Stewart

  Judge knows how she feels and has never asked her anything about her father after he granted her the emancipation. He has never crossed the line and mingled the old with the new, until now. The knowledge of Judge giving Kas information of her past feels like a blow to her stomach. Raina tries to calm herself down, knowing that even Judge doesn’t know many details, just enough about what happened that last time to grant her freedom.

  Renewed panic runs hotly through her veins as she remembers the deal she made with her father after he was brought to Judge’s chambers the night she finally went to him. She had begged Judge to let her speak privately with her father for a few minutes, knowing that was her last chance to do something about Brian. She knows Judge is a smart man, and she is aware that he has his suspicions that more went on then what her father had told him about Brian, but he never pushed her, never brought it up to her again. She’s terrified that he brought it up to Kas.

  “What happened during that time, Raina?” Kas’ question snaps her back from her nightmare.

  Raina is tempted to lie to him, but she knows he deserves better than to be lied to, besides, he would be able to tell if she were lying. Resignedly, she decides to tell him, not seeing the purpose in hiding it anymore. Kas already has a terrible image of her father, and she knows that nothing she says can make that better, so she decides to tell him the truth, with the exception of her father’s part with Brian. She forces herself to swallow, her mouth is so dry, and she hopes her voice isn’t as shaky as she feels, “I wasn’t able to go to Judge any earlier.”

  “Why?” the one simple word comes out so raw, Kas has to make himself ask her.

  “Because, my father locked me in the attic.” Raina knows that telling Kas this part will show the cruelest part of her father, and she doesn’t want Kas to see her father as some kind of monster. She knows her father was an abusive alcoholic. She knows he was physically and emotionally abusive, but at least he wasn’t like other parents you read about who burn their children, who cut them, or who sexually abuse them. That night, four years ago, rampages her mind again, but she pushes it back. She tells herself that at least it wasn’t her father who was the one who raped her. No, he was just the one who covered it up after it happened, her memories bitterly remind her.

  Kas stands up, once again running his hand through his hair. He turns away for a minute, to gain some composure, to stop the trembling in his hands from her admission. He turns back to her, the softness in his eyes back, but the tension in his jaw is wound even tighter. “How long did he lock you in the attic, Raina?”

  “Four days,” she whispers, fidgeting with her fingers.

  “How did you eat or drink?” Kas asks, his composure hanging on by a mere thread.

  “There is a bathroom in the attic, so I had access to water,” she states, trying to make that sound as positive as possible.

  “What about food, Raina?” his question comes out angrier than he intended. Once again, she looks away, and the last thread of his composure snaps. “He didn’t feed you for four days?” Kas yells, his voice dripping with undiluted contempt.

  Raina cringes, not out of fear, she knows Kas would never hurt her. Even as furious as he is right now, she knows his anger isn’t directed at her. People seeing her father for what he did, her fear from most of her secrets being exposed, her twisted childhood being brought to light, sickens her. There are reasons she didn’t want anyone to know. She doesn’t want pity, she just wants anonymity, escape from the memories, escape from the past.

  Kas sees Raina wince, and he drops to his knees, grabbing her hands reassuringly in his. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, reeling in his anger.

  She is thoroughly amazed at how he can be so angry but yet so gentle at the same time. “You didn’t scare me,” she answers honestly and manages to give him a small smile, not wanting him to be hurt the way he was last night.

  “How many times did he lock you in the attic, Raina?” Kas asks, hanging his head low, like the answer is going to physically hurt him.

  “Just three times,” she answers, hoping that him knowing it wasn’t a regular occurrence will ease him somewhat.

  “Just three,” he replies bitterly, “it never should’ve happened even once, Raina.”

  She looks away, knowing he’s right.

  “How long were you in the attic the other two times?”

  “Just a little over a day the first time and three days the second time.”

  “Your meaning of ‘just’ and my meaning of ‘just’ seems to be entirely different at the moment. Why are you defending him, Rain? He beat you, and then he starved you!”

  “I don’t want you to see him as some kind of monster,” she admits sadly.

  “I don’t see him as a monster. I see him exactly as who he is, a man who told his daughter she was to blame for her mother’s accidental death, a man who continually beat his daughter with his belt so harshly it left welts, bruises, and even cuts, a man who locked away and starved his daughter, a man who made his daughter think she was weak if she cried when he was the one who was weak and got drunk every night instead of being the type of father he should have been!” Kas seethes. “Monster’s aren’t real, Raina, but your father is!”

  Emptiness fills her every pore at his words. She has tried for so long to blame the alcohol for her father’s treatment, but the truth is that, even though he drank every night, she has only seen him actually drunk once, after what happened with Brian. “He didn’t drink until he was drunk, not usually. He was always able to function. It’s not like he was some kind of passed out drunk,” Raina replies, mad at herself at the realization that she is defending him.

  “That doesn’t make it any better, Rain. If he were the type of drunk to pass out every night, maybe that would have saved you from some of the beatings.”

  She cringes at that word; she hates the word ‘beatings’. It sounds so heartless, and it hurts too much to think that there wasn’t at least a sliver of love for her left inside of her father. “Please, stop saying he beat me.”

  “Raina, you referred to what your father did to you as punishments earlier. A punishment is being grounded, having something taken away for a while, and I don’t mean sustenance! Maybe even a spanking that doesn’t leave marks. What your father did to you wasn’t punishment, it was much, much worse,” Kas tells her as he tenderly strokes her palms with his thumbs.

  Memories of her father’s idea of punishment haunt her. His words ‘You deserve this’ taunt her as she remembers how it felt when the fierce bite of his belt repeatedly bit into her tender skin. ‘You deserve this,’ rings in her ears as she remembers the sound of the door slamming and the key turning when her father had locked her in the attic for so long, leaving her so weak from hunger that she could barely stand on her own when he had finally let her out.

  “How old were you when he locked you in the attic the first time?”

  “I had just turned six, it was the day after my birthday, and I was sick. I kept thinking of how my mom used to make me cream of chicken soup when I was sick and snuggle with me in my bed, reading to me until I fell asleep. I was missing her so much and I guess being sick made me more emotional, because I started to cry when I thought of her. I knew better than to cry, I hadn’t cried since the first incident with my father, but I was so lonely and I felt so bad. It was late, my father was working in his study, and I stopped crying and snuck downstairs to put some cream of chicken soup in the microwave. He must have heard the beep when the soup was done because he came into the kitchen to see why I was still awake. I tried to hide my eyes, but he saw that they were red from where I had been crying, and he grabbed me and told me that, if I couldn’t learn the easy way, I would have to learn the hard way. He put me in the attic and told me that he wouldn’t let me out until I learned that he would not tolerate crying or disobedience.”

  Kas shakes his head sadly, and Raina is grateful that he doesn’t look at her with pity, just ki
ndness and empathy. “I am so sorry, sweetheart.”

  “I’m fine,” she says, trying to reassure him.

  “I wish I could strip that word from your vocabulary,” Kas admonishes softly. “There’s one more thing I need to ask you, Raina,” he starts, looking her pointedly in the eye, and her stomach flutters nervously from what he might ask. “The day after your emancipation, Brian Keever, your father’s partner in the firm, was arrested on child pornography charges. I don’t put much stock into coincidence.”

  Raina feels the color drain from her face and her stomach ties in knots. Breathing is no longer an automatic function, and she has to concentrate to take in air.

  Kas grabs her face, worry emanating from him. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  Raina pulls away from him, needing to get away, needing to escape from the concern spilling from his eyes, from the gentleness in his touch. She can’t take his kindness without it destroying all of her barriers. She can’t let him know any more. There’s no way she can allow him into this putrid part of her life. She can’t allow those memories to overtake her again. Raina is barely able to push herself up from the couch, her knees are shaking so fiercely that she feels like they are going to give way as those dark, filthy memories barge into her like a battering ram, smashing into the wall she has spent over four years building.

  Kas is in front of her before she even has time to take a step, his hands grabbing her shoulders. His jaw is so tight it looks like it might lock into that fierce expression of barely repressed rage. “What did he do to you?” he asks, his words menacing and full of the threat of excruciating retribution.

  She needs water for real this time. Her mouth is so dry it takes work just to open it to mumble, “Water,” before she somehow manages to carry herself on her wobbly legs to the kitchen. Raina shakily grabs a glass from the cabinet and barely manages the menial task of turning on the faucet before she collapses against the sink, unable to hold her own weight anymore.

  The battering ram finally breaks through the wall that she doesn’t have the strength to defend anymore, and the memories of that night flood through her like a river of fire. She tries to take a sip of water, but her hands are trembling so badly that the water spills over the top, running down her hand, onto the counter. She puts the glass down and grips the edge of the sink so tightly she can see her knuckles go white as she is overwhelmed with dark memories making her feel like she was on that couch again with Brian, his large, angry hand roughly grabbing her wrists, holding her in place as he pushes his other hand up her skirt.

  The memory of his scent fills her nostrils pungently, the smell of the sickeningly sweet, musky cologne had almost made her gag, and she chokes on the memory. As her mind replays what had happened next, the last shred of strength from her legs give way, and she starts to go down. Raina is barely conscious of Kas sweeping her off her useless feet before she hits the ground and lifting her into his arms. She feels split in two as she lays her head against his strong shoulder, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in the sheer strength of Kas, a strength more powerful than her father, Chris, and even Brian, a strength that shelters her in protection instead of strength that subjects her to pain and utter helplessness.

  The clean, slightly woodsy smell of Kas gives her senses a much needed reprieve. She breaths him in, trying to push away the phantom scent of Brian as Kas carries her to the couch and sits down, never letting her go. He wraps his arms around her protectively, possessively, while she sits trembling in his lap.

  Kas places his lips on the top of her head as he whispers, over and over, “I’m so, sorry, baby, I’m so, sorry.” His heart is ripping into a million pieces from what he fears Raina is going to tell him about what Brian did to her.

  Self-disgust seeps through Raina when she feels the imminent threat of tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. She bites her lip, hard, willing them to stay inside and not fall. She allows Kas to gently rock her soothingly as he whispers heartfelt promises of never letting anyone hurt her again as she struggles to maintain her last shred of dignity.

  Sinking against Kas’ muscled torso, she allows the warmth of his powerful arms to surround her as she uses the very last of her weakened reserves to try to regain her failed composure. Kas gives her all the time she needs as he continues to hold her and brush his lips against her hair.

  Finally able to muster enough courage to pull herself away from his refuge, Raina slides off of Kas’ lap, shame slamming her to the core of how she broke down in front of him. She thinks of her only saving grace being that, by some miracle, she was able to stave off the tears that burned the back of her eyes like acid rain. She moves backwards, to lean against the opposite end of the couch again, but Kas grabs her wrist, stopping her.

  Her mind shoots back to that night again, at how Brian had held her wrists so ruthlessly that they were bruised and swollen from his unrelenting grip and her sincere but futile attempts of escaping his vice-like grasp. Kas’ hold on her is so different, just as strong, but not punishing. He slowly rubs his thumb across the inside of her wrist as he firmly holds her in place.

  His eyes are fixated on hers, keeping her eyes locked onto his, like he has her in some kind of trance. “Talk to me, sweetheart,” he coaxes her, his voice barely audible. His eyes continue to put a spell on her, making her tell him her most guarded secrets.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The words start to come out like someone else is recounting some horrible nightmare, but the memories of that night cut sharply into Raina’s mind, reminding her just how real it was. “Brian was my father’s partner in the firm, as you know. He rarely came over, no one really ever came over, but they had been working hard on the case that I mentioned earlier they had ended up winning. My father was staying late almost every night, then bringing his work home with him, and Brian stopped by to get a file. I never felt comfortable around him, the way he had looked at me before gave me the creeps, and I almost didn’t open the door, but I knew what would happen if my father found out he came by, and I didn’t let him inside. I had just gotten home from an evening at the library and was still in my school uniform, and Brian made a wise crack about the school girl look being so hot.”

  Bile threatens to rise as she relives that night. “I showed him to my father’s office then walked away, wanting to get as far away from him as possible. He was young to be an established partner in a very successful law firm, and he let everyone know it. He was handsome and wasn’t lacking for dates, he always had some woman hanging off of his arm on the few occasions that I saw him, but the way he looked at me made my skin crawl. I had gone into the living room to grab my books when he came back through with the file.”

  A shudder rolls through Raina, and she tries to stop her hands from shaking by grabbing onto her fingers. Kas sees her struggle, and he places his hand reassuringly over hers. She is no longer looking into his bewitching stare, but she still can’t manage to stop the words from spilling out. “He walked over to me and stood too close as he grabbed a loose strand of my hair and twirled it around his fingers while he told me how he liked how I filled out my uniform. He leaned in closer to me, and I took a step back, but he grabbed my arm and I dropped my books. He smiled as he said he would love to see how high my skirt would go when I bent down to pick them up. I had tights on under my skirt, and it was a modest, school regulated length, but he made me feel like I was wearing some kind of trashy bikini. All kinds of alarms were going off in my head, and I told him that he needed to leave because my father would be home anytime, but he just laughed and said that my father had his nose buried in a file and wouldn’t be home anytime soon.”

  Kas listens as Raina tells him the sordid details of that night even though he is using all the self-restraint he has to keep his fury leashed. Raina tells him about Brian forcing her down on the couch and pushing up her sweater and how he looked so pleased when he saw the welts her father’s belt had left the night before. Kas almost explodes when she tel
ls him that Brian had told her that he loved bad little girls who need to be punished.

  Raina’s stomach turns as she tells him about how Brian ripped her tights and pushed up her skirt, then how he had slapped her when she had bitten his arm when her struggling and protests didn’t deter him. As she continues, she feels so cold and empty, like some monotone robot just going through the motions. She tells him how he used his tie to restrain her hands while he sheathed himself, then raped her.

  Her voice is void of emotion due to her self-preservation kicking in, pushing her emotions far away. Her eyes are empty, almost lifeless, as she tells him how he got up afterwards and fastened his pants before untying her hands and putting his tie back on, like nothing ever happened. She retreats even deeper into herself as she tells him how her father walked through the door just as Brian had finished straightening his tie and saw her on the couch, her wrists red and bruised, her tights ripped and her lip bleeding.

  Some emotions slip through, and Raina feels her heart pounding through her chest as she tells Kas how her father had punched Brian, and how she had thought her father was finally going to be there for her when he had grabbed Brian by the shirt and they had started screaming at each other. The pounding in her chest becomes harder, and grief washes over her as she tells him how Brian had grabbed her off the couch and shoved her sweater up, showing her father the bruises and welts he had left on her back before threatening to expose him to the police and the public if he reported anything that had happened that night. The sickening nausea returns as she tells him how Brian had told her father that she had wanted it anyway, that she had asked for it.

  Kas sees the heartbreaking emptiness in Raina’s eyes when she tells him how her father had left her standing there, dazed and scared, while he went outside with Brian, only to return a few moments later to grab a bottle of whiskey and begin to drain it straight from the bottle.

  The vein is furiously twitching in Kas’ jaw as he asks her, “What did your father do, Raina?” His expression is so pale, he doesn’t ask because he wants to know, he doesn’t want to hear any more of the pain of her terrorized past, but he has to know how it ended that night. He has to know the full sickening depravity so he can begin to help her heal.