CUL-DE-SAC (On The Edge Book 1)

by YILDIRIM, M. E.

  “At least you had parents who loved you; mine couldn’t care less about me, focusing on my younger sister instead–until I became famous of course.” She smirked.

  “Do you think that justifies your actions?” Cat thought about Xan and how bad he had it and how that made him only more determined not to end up like his father.

  Maybe something was escaping her notice but the lack of attention didn’t sound as harsh to her as a constant threat to life. She couldn’t imagine how engaging herself in petty games was supposed to help Chloé increase her self-worth.

  Cat knew that for every person who was hell-bent on choosing differently than circumstances pushed them to, there was another giving in and falling into the trap, copying the bad instead of rooting it out.

  “I don’t need to justify the way I feel,” Chloé informed her.

  “I think you should when that involves and affects other people.”

  “Spare me, Catalina, I don’t need to hear it.”

  “No, you don’t and I think I’ve heard enough myself.” She shook off Chloé’s hold.

  “Just so you know… nothing happened between me and him, and not for my lack of trying.”

  “And I should believe you why exactly, since you’ve been lying to me for years?” She asked politely.

  “He is interested only in you and nobody else; happy now? There is something I can’t take away from you after all.”

  “I told you I am in love with him and a few hours later you tried to seduce him. Oh yeah, I am ecstatic, Chloé; can’t you tell?” Catalina was utterly disgusted, wondering how she could be so blind and failed to see how her ‘friend’ felt about her all along.

  “Do you really think you can handle a man like him? And for how long? Laughable!”

  “So you tried to save me disappointment by… disappointing me earlier? I can see how that would make perfect sense!” Cat rolled her eyes. “Save it.”

  “One day you will see it yourself and thank me for it, Kitty-Cat. You think you can parade him around on social events? I am sure the elite is going to accept him with Florence on top.” She taunted.

  “Well, they accepted you after all,” Cat snapped and became instantly ashamed of the cheap shot. ”I loved you like the sister I had never had, Chloé, and you just made a mockery of all those years. You don’t get to call me cute nicknames anymore. We are done.” She got up and walked away without looking back at the woman who turned out to be not only a stranger instead of a friend, but an adversary even.

  Catalina wasn’t the kind of a person who gave up on people easily but she couldn’t imagine coming back from something like that.

  Cat didn’t think she had ever felt as lonely as at the moment.

  Her feet automatically carried her toward her house, because wasn’t home a place people ran to when things turn rough, even if there was no one awaiting them there, no one to comfort them?

  She looked at the contours of her residence, swallowed by approaching darkness. She stopped dead in her tracks when she remembered she still didn’t have keys. She didn’t even have her cell phone to call someone and ask for help, which was a good thing perhaps, because how could she explain the lack of essentials such as documents and keys in the first place?

  Whom would she have called anyway? Cat asked herself.

  Xan, she thought instantly, because he wouldn’t have asked uncomfortable questions or demanded she explain the situation and herself. But after the way the conversation went with Chloé, she was dreading another confrontation in such short period of time, even if she had felt like driving back there.

  She didn’t, Catalina admitted inwardly.

  She was still torn between what Chloé told her and her own doubts plaguing her about the situation that took place in the club.

  What if this time Chloé hadn’t lied?

  She knew she had to apologize for slapping his face at the very least, but what was left to say after that? It felt like too much and not nearly enough at the same time.

  Nobody liked being wrong, and admitting to it felt even worse at times, but it had to be done anyway. Yes, she was a Bennett indeed, but to Cat it meant taking responsibility for her actions, not leading a privileged life as Chloé accused her of.

  When she neared her house, she saw the silhouette of a man sitting on her terrace and her heart rate accelerated because figuring out to whom it belonged wasn’t rocket science.

  Confrontation was going to happen sooner rather than later, it seemed, she thought, and took a deep breath before stepping from the shadows into the subtle lights brightening up the edges of her patio.

  CHAPTER 38

  Xan didn’t feel at liberty to enter Catalina’s house so he sat outside on the terrace instead, trying to soak in the silence and darkness surrounding him but they felt too intangible, just like Cat at the moment.

  Worry wasn’t something he did well and usually it turned into pulsating anger in the end. After all, nobody had taught him how to deal with emotions, he thought sarcastically. People usually didn’t expect or inspire many in him anyway.

  Catalina did, and that seemed to be the problem.

  The fact he was in possession of her belongings and couldn’t get a hold of her was hardly going to guarantee his peace of mind.

  His jaw hurt from the punches he received, and his whole body felt battered in a way that felt suspiciously close to defeat, rather than the triumph over his opponent he should be celebrating.

  It’d been a while since he lost one of his fights, but he would never forget the feeling.

  Xan was the only one to be blamed for the situation in the ring tonight, so he took his lumps without a word of complaint as his due for the lack of focus.

  He should have been dunking his sore muscles in his bathtub, he thought, but he was sitting here instead, wondering where Catalina could have gone to.

  Sooner or later she had to come home, Xan decided. That was a given; what remained unclear was her reaction to seeing him on her territory.

  He had never put much faith in apology, not only because in his world people were unused to expressing or feeling remorse for that matter.

  According to Robert Thorpe, men didn’t apologize.

  Since his father was convinced he had never been responsible for any wrongdoing, why would he ever be sorry? He sure as hell wasn’t for placing bruises on his son and wife. Not for stealing, lying and a dozen of other crimes he had committed.

  It was probably the only rule good ole Rob had always been religiously loyal to, Xan smirked inwardly.

  In any case, what was ‘sorry’ good for if making same mistakes over and over again seemed inevitable?

  Yet he was ready to apologize to Catalina, if only that would bring them back on track, although he wasn’t sure: what was he supposed to apologize for exactly? He was as much a victim of Chloé’s manipulation as Cat was. If the bitch was going to cost him the only good relationship he had ever had, Xan promised himself to find her and make her pay for it.

  He didn’t realize how deep he was immersed in his thoughts until light steps made his head snap up and he saw Catalina coming up onto the terrace.

  He wanted to grab her and shake her, asking where the hell she went to, for making him worry, but that would hardly be a good start.

  He wanted to grab her and just hold her but didn’t think she would welcome it right now. So he forced himself to stay exactly as he was, instead limiting himself to devouring her with his gaze alone, although she had never looked as miserably as at the moment.

  He wasn’t a happy camper himself, Xan thought.

  “You found my purse; thank you,” she said, but didn’t walk closer to take it from him.

  She felt at a loss for words; it was yet another thing she had thought herself good at and was proven wrong tonight. Just like her friendship with Chloé, or motives people were led by.

  “Do you want me to go?” He asked when the silence was stretching and prodding at both of them.

>   “No,” Cat answered instantly, but didn’t know what to say to make him stay.

  There was an unnatural stillness around him as if the night itself held its breath awaiting something.

  Good, Xan thought; he wouldn’t leave anyway, although she didn’t have to know it.

  “I talked to Chloé.”

  “Did she tell you the truth?” He wanted to know.

  “And what is the truth?”

  “I didn’t touch her, Catalina,” he said finally, because he had to get it out in the open, had to make her believe him somehow.

  “It didn’t look like that from my perspective.” Her stomach clenched again and she understood she desperately wanted to believe him.

  “I know what it looked like; I am telling you how it was. If I wanted to fuck anyone, I wouldn’t choose the moment minutes before the fight and knowing you were coming over on top of it, now, would I?” He stood up because he no longer could pretend the outer layer of his calm hadn’t started to crack and crumble at his feet.

  She gasped when he emerged from the shadows and stepped into the light because she could see his jaw was bruised, and when he walked toward her there was stiffness to his every move. She instantly forgot about the whole situation between them, pushing all of it aside.

  “Xan!” Cat reached with her hand, touching her fingertips to his face. “Did you… lose?” She asked quietly.

  “No.” He gripped her wrist, holding it to his face as if he expected her to withdraw her hand and devoid him of this gossamer light touch any moment now.

  Catalina looked him straight in the eye for the first time tonight and wanted to take a step back under the onslaught of his gaze. It was burning with emotions so potent she half-expected him to burst into flames. But the grip he had on her hand, while not painful, told her he didn’t want to severe the connection between them.

  “Would it matter to you if I lost?” It was important, he thought.

  Nobody cared much for losers, nobody even remembered a thing about them before they faded away.

  “No, but it would to you. I know what winning means to you Xan,” she said softly.

  “I thought I did too, but the funny thing, Kitten, is that I couldn’t care less about it tonight. I just wanted it to be over so we could talk. The only thing I don’t want to lose is this… you and me, Cat. Tell me that you believe me.”

  “I’m sorry I slapped your face,” she said instead, and Xan could have sworn it was the first time someone apologized to him for anything.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does! I have never done such a thing in my life. I’m really sorry, Xan.”

  She looked so sad and so beautiful he couldn’t stop himself. He pulled her into his arms and breathed out in relief when she didn’t resist.

  “Are we good?” He wanted to hear the words, although he had never had much use for them.

  She was changing all the rules he went by so far, but he didn’t want to go back. For the first time in his life, he looked forward to what tomorrow might bring instead.

  “We will be,” Cat said finally, and he accepted that, even though the fighter in him demanded he push her because it wasn’t good enough.

  “What happened between you and… her?” He asked.

  “We are done,” she said simply, although it was as far from simple as one could get. “You need ice, Xan.”

  “Later. I want to show you something first. Will you come with me?”

  “Where? Can’t it wait? It truly was a hellish day and I just want it to be over.” Catalina sighed but he shook his head.

  “I’ve waited long enough.”

  She wanted to ask about it but decided against it and just shrugged.

  “Okay.” She took her purse from the table, having the weirdest case of déjà vu.

  ***

  Catalina was gazing up at Santa Monica’s lights as they sped through the well-known streets of the city, which seemed always awake and alive.

  She had never spent as many nights out as she had since Xan entered her life. She didn’t think her life could ever be the same after learning about all that was taking place on the flip side of what was commonly available and within the reach. Not after meeting people who were living on the edge because sometimes it was the only place they could shake off all kinds of bounds and push limits without being judged for who they were.

  The problem was that now that her eyes were open, she didn’t know where exactly she belonged herself. She felt more at home on Xan’s side of things than she had in the inflexible borders of society.

  And his world has been more welcoming than hers would ever be.

  Yet it was the upcoming social event on her mind, because no matter how much she didn’t want to be a part of it, she had duties she couldn’t ignore.

  Maybe people perceived her life as privileged–Chloé surely did–but to Catalina, it all felt like nothing more than shackles tightening around her flesh, marking her as someone she could never be.

  “Will you go to a ball with me?” She asked and Chloé’s taunting words about parading Xan around at social events reverberated in her mind.

  Xan glanced at her from the corner of his eye and she saw his lips twitching.

  “A ball.”

  On his tempting lips it sounded even more ridiculous, Cat admitted.

  “I know it sounds like something straight out of a Victorian era novel or a fairy tale and neither is hardly your thing, but I have to participate and I thought maybe you could accompany me.” She tried to make it light.

  “When?”

  “This Saturday. I realize I should have said something earlier, but I was reminded about it myself recently,” she explained, wondering, was it possible it all happened just today?

  “Tell me more about it.”

  “It’s a charity thing and I know how you feel about it.” She turned in her seat to look up at him.

  She knew because he had never made it a secret what his opinion about the elite was.

  “My grandmother is going to be rewarded for her charity work and I have to be there, the same way she had to make an appearance at my exhibition.” She explained.

  “It looks like I will need a tuxedo,” Xan said, and Catalina blinked when she realized that was going to be his only comment.

  “What?” He chuckled when he saw the expression on her face.

  “I didn’t foresee this kind of reaction, and now I’m wondering if you would have said yes if tonight hadn’t gone so horribly wrong or not.” She sighed, hating all those questions and doubts that were not there before.

  “Now you will never know, will you?” His hands clenched around the steering wheel.

  “Don’t get mad when I tell you how I feel.”

  “I can’t help it; she is lucky she left the club unscathed.”

  “Alex!” Cat protested.

  “What? I can’t tell you how I feel?” He used her words against her. “We are here.”

  “And where is here exactly?” She asked, glad for the change of subject.

  “This is the place we want to change into a fighting school,” Xan explained.

  The building looked deserted and Catalina remembered it used to be a public school, but over the years the ever-increasing number of students outgrew it. A year or something before, the management finally found enough sponsors to help out with moving children onto bigger and more well-adjusted premises.

  Since then the property had been empty, awaiting another tenant. She glanced at Xan, thinking it might have finally found one.

  “Very good location. I think it is a good investment, and the fact it educated a few generations gives it a nice touch,” Cat said and felt Xan’s arm wrapping around her waist.

  “Ever been inside a school after dark?” He asked and she just had to laugh.

  “Not until now. So it’s a done deal, since you have the keys.”

  “Not official yet, but the deal is practically as good as done. They were
dragging it forever, trying to squeeze us for more money. We didn’t budge and it also helped nobody else had been interested in the place.” Xan explained.

  “You didn’t say anything earlier.”

  “I didn’t want to in case something went wrong.”

  “Congratulations.” She went to her toes to kiss him on the cheek but his head whipped to the side and her lips brushed his.

  He raised his hand cupping her cheek with his mouth hovering above hers.

  “Xan…”

  “I didn’t touch her, Kitten,” he reminded her, when he felt she was on the verge of taking a step back.

  “You said that already, but it’s really been a long day.” She sighed. “Well? Are we going in?”

  “That was the plan.”

  He opened the door, letting her in, wondering what it meant exactly when she acted as if she believed him yet tried to keep her distance at the same time. He could still tell she felt wounded and he had no idea how to fix it.

  “Did you think of a name?” Cat asked, looking around curiously.

  “’Luctor’; it’s from Latin and it means…”

  “… to wrestle, struggle,” she finished and Xan just shook his head.

  “Of course you would know Latin,” he muttered, making her laugh.

  “It’s perfect.” She smiled at him.

  “I wish I could take the credit for it, but it was Kel’s idea.”

  “Well, suits you both, I would say.”

  It seemed like nothing was going to wane her enthusiasm, he thought. Except his presence; whenever he neared Catalina he could feel her physically and mentally pulling away from him.

  Time, he had to give her some time to come to terms with all that went down tonight, Xan decided.