The Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship

by John P. Logsdon

  “Didn’t like your new look, then?”

  “Nope. Plus, people will try to find me like what they did with Crazell. I not want that.”

  “Good point,” Whizzfiddle agreed, “but don’t you have to fight again in ten years?”

  “Nope. I retired.” He shrugged. “They kept the belt thing and I had them donate that winning money to poor families.”

  “Good man, Gungren.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And your ma?”

  “It weren’t easy to talk with her,” he admitted, “but I speak giant pretty good still.”

  “And Peapod’s spell, did you…”

  “I heard a ’ding’ sound when I told ma goodbye. It all done now. I not gonna change back.”

  “Excellent. Excellent.”

  He felt very proud of his former apprentice. The little fellow would undoubtedly go on to do wonderfully. It was inevitable.

  But now was when things became somewhat difficult.

  “Well,” Whizzfiddle said in a heavy voice, “we have the problem now that you are no longer my apprentice.”

  Gungren frowned. “Yep.”

  “And I honestly don’t need a roommate,” Whizzfiddle stated. “It kind of gets in the way of my encounters with the fairer sex.”

  “Uh-huh.” It was nice that Gungren didn’t judge Whizzfiddle’s capability to secure a partner for the evening. “Wait, am you kicking me out?”

  “Don’t think of it that way, Gungren. Think of it as me pushing you on your way.” He took a sip of his tea. “If you stay here, you’ll forever see yourself as my apprentice. You need to have your own space where you can grow and learn and hopefully lay around doing nothing like any good wizard should.” Whizzfiddle then shrugged. “Besides, someday you may have your own apprentice.”

  “That would be fun.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  Gungren was looking around the room, stopping and studying each area. He appeared almost more nervous than he had when he’d been about to face Crazell in the arena.

  “But I got no place to go,” he said finally.

  “You’ve got tons of money, Gungren. You may go wherever you want.”

  “I not has money.” Gungren pulled out his pockets to show they were empty. “I gave it to them poor people, remember?”

  And that’s when Whizzfiddle pulled out a bag of diamonds and set it on the table. He pushed it over towards the little giant.

  “After you left to finish your interviews and to see your ma, I contacted Misty Trealo and told her of my desire to bring charges against The Learning Something Channel for using our names and faces in their show without our permission. They decided to settle out of court immediately.”

  “Wow.”

  “Indeed,” Whizzfiddle said, and then he reached into another pocket. “There’s something else.”

  “What?”

  “When Teggins was caught cheating, he dropped something and I picked it up. It turned out to be the Diamond of Jaloof.”

  “That diamond Heliok wanted me to find before you told him about the dragon fight thing?”

  “The very same,” Whizzfiddle answered with a nod. “Well, I took a quick portal trip to the Museum of Finer Things and returned it to them. They gave me a sizable reward.” He pushed that bag at Gungren, too. “Since I would never have spotted it had you not done your quest, I am splitting the coins with you.”

  “This am a lot of money, Master!”

  “It sure is,” agreed Whizzfiddle, “and remember that I’m not your master anymore.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Anyway, if you spend it carefully, you’ll never have to work again.” He then giggled. “Of course, knowing you, you’ll probably just give it all away.”

  “Yep, but so do you. You always help the poor.”

  “That’s true, Gungren,” Whizzfiddle was happy to admit, “but I keep a lot as well because I can’t continue helping them if I have nothing. You have to trickle the help, if you wish to help forever.”

  “That make sense.”

  “Yes, I suppose it does,” Whizzfiddle said, smiling to himself. The he rapped his knuckles on the table twice and stood up. “Anyway, there is one more thing, if you have a moment?”

  They walked outside and down a path that led behind a thick set of trees. From this spot, Whizzfiddle’s house was completely blocked from view.

  In front of them was a quaint home with fresh paint and a nice garden. The colors on the shingles were lively and multifaceted. It was a happy-looking house.

  “Who lives here?” asked Gungren.

  “You do, Gungren,” Whizzfiddle said. “If you choose to, that is.”

  Gungren’s face lit up. “You made this for me?”

  “I called in a number of favors with the local builders and they put it together while we were away.” He then winked at the little man and added, “There may have been a little magic used to help speed things along as well. The entire Wizards’ Guild chipped in on that.”

  “Wow,” Gungren said as his eyes welled up. “I love it.”

  “Now don’t go getting all emotional. It’s not becoming of a man my age to shed tears, happy or not.” He wiped his nose. “Anyway, you’ll find that it’s all built for your particular measurements, too. Including the kitchen and such.”

  “Thank you, Master,” Gungren said, nearly crushing Whizzfiddle with a hug.

  “Call me Xeb.”

  “Nobody calls you that, though,” Gungren replied, stepping back.

  “That’s true, but that’s only because I’ve never met anyone I’d allow to do it.”

  “Okay, Xeb it are, then.”

  “Nope,” Whizzfiddle said with a sudden sour look. “That’s terrible. Whizzfiddle will have to do.”

  “Okidoki.” Gungren was beaming as he was scanning over his new home. “This am great. I can finally ask Agnitine out on a date thing.”

  “Hadn’t considered that,” mumbled Whizzfiddle.

  “What?”

  “Hmmm. Oh, nothing, nothing.” Whizzfiddle would have to remember that Gungren was now his peer. He could no longer push his personal judgments on the little man. This wasn’t going to be easy. With some effort, he said, “It’s your house, Gungren, so you may invite over whomever you wish.”

  Gungren smiled in his good old gap-toothed way. At least the little giant looked like himself again. Whizzfiddle found the physical changes that Heliok had done during the quests to be naught more than disturbing, truth be told.

  “One more question before you go?” asked Gungren, keeping his eyes on the house.

  “I have to go?”

  “Well, I want to get settled in and stuff.”

  “Oh, right. Go on.”

  Gungren moved his foot around in the dirt.

  “Am it okay if I still come over and make you sandwiches? I like to do that.”

  “Truly?”

  “Yeah. Maybe sometimes you can come over here and I make you a sandwich, too.”

  “I’d be a fool to turn down such an offer, Gungren,” he said, patting the little giant on his head. “A downright fool!”

  A Letter from Innkeeper Sargan

  Dear Reader,

  I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading this book.

  Ever since the story of Gungren and his training for the Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship event, and because the new material known as Elfstretchy was invented in my building, the Inn of Sargan has flourished.

  In fact, the entire town has seen a marked increase in revenue.

  I have converted the entire basement into a media room with multiple televisions and such. Only those who are in-the-know about the Underworld are able to get in, but they pay a pretty penny to do so.

  Before this newfound pool of funds, it looked as if I was moving towards bankruptcy.

  Now, though, I always have a packed house, the inn has been completely paid for, and I’m planning to go on my first holiday in n
early ten years!

  None of this would have been possible without your help. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I offer you 50% off your stay in any one of our suites.

  Sincerely,

  -Alvin Sargan

  The Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship Wall of Fighters

  On the outside of the arena there is a giant wall that contains the names of all the fighters who have lost their lives during a UDFC battle. Each has a little epitaph that describes how they were ended.

  Here are some of the most notable ones.

  Bessie

  UDFC 9

  Bessie, an elven wizard and the first female contestant allowed in a UDFC tournament, was fried to a crisp during a magical battle with Ebinsleezer Noodlington during UDFC 9. Though it was never proved, due to a blindness spell that’d been used to cover the entire crowd and all the cameras, there was evidence of dragon flame on the remains of Bessie and the area surrounding her. This, and the fact that Bessie was heard yelling "You can’t summon a dragon, you cheating bastard!", suggested that Noodlington, an old-school wizard who felt that the rightful place for the fairer sex was in the kitchen, had summoned a dragon to do his bidding. The tournament was halted and a UDFC rule was added to the books that disallowed casting of magic within the arena. It was made immediately effective. Noodlington, who was no longer allowed the use of his magic, was subsequently beaten to death by a gnome in the 1st round of his next bout. Due to her determined spirit, Bessie opened the door for women to participate in the UDFC while simultaneously, and inadvertently, closing the door on the allowance of magic being cast during an event.

  Lelah

  UDFC 11

  Lelah, a young dark elf with the prowess of a panther, was the first contestant to win the UDFC without leaving the ring alive. She’d beaten every contender with ease until the final bout when she came face to face with Traxor Rufflezang, the werewolf who had held the championship title for thirty years. After a ferocious four rounds of mayhem, Lelah knew she was in trouble, but she had a plan. At the start of round five, barely able to stand from the wounds given to her by Rufflezang, Lelah raised her blade. Rufflezang went to attack but Lelah took out a doggie treat and threw it, catching the werewolf’s attention long enough to side-step his attack and drive her blade home. The two lay side by side, exhausted and unable to move, until Rufflezang finally closed his eyes and was gone. Lelah followed him to the Afterlife moments later, but only after being crowned the champion of UDFC 11. As a side note, Lelah and Rufflezang became the best of friends in the Afterlife, and to this day she still takes him to the doggie park at least once a week.

  Rachel “Dark Bane” Pegrum

  UDFC 19

  Rachel “Dark Bane” Pegrum was a dark elf who was known to be somewhat cocky…even more so than your average dark elf. During UDFC 19, she got matched up against the dwarf known as Gikrir Speedbarrow, known for his fast-moving legs. The bout was promised to be one for the ages, though Rachel seemed to think Gikrir was beneath her. Being that he was a dwarf and she was a dark elf, there was a lot of truth to her thoughts on the subject. What she didn’t expect was that the dwarf would be even faster than he was touted to be. Rachel spun around at the sound of the bell, closed her eyes and flipped her hair back, and then yawned to let the dwarf know she was not planning to waste too much effort on killing him. Then, she took two arrogant steps forward and tripped over her opponent. It turned out that he had crossed the expanse almost instantly. She cracked open her skull upon hitting the ground and Gikrir spun around to finish the job with his hammer.

  Mindya Hed

  UDFC 22

  Mindya Hed, a giant with an enterprising mind (one of the first in his community), lost in round three at UDFC 22 to Yonogood Anvilsmasher, a pious dwarf with a mean temper. Mindya, knowing the biggest weak point of any giant is his shins, took a bunch of sport swimsuit catalogs and taped them to his legs for protection. It got him through the first few bouts because his opponents kept staring at the pictures of orcs, ogres, and elves who were wearing bikinis. But when he met up with Anvilsmasher, things got messy. The dwarf was annoyed by Mindya’s hedonistic images and began using his hammer’s nailpuller side to strip the magazines away, exposing the giant’s tender shins. Anvilsmasher claimed a spiritual victory after crushing Mindya Hed’s...well...head. It should be noted that Anvilsmasher went on to win the tournament but was later expelled from his church after they found copies of the swimsuit catalogs in his footlocker.

  Dennis “BS” Vergen

  UDFC 23

  Dennis “BS” Vergen was a vampire who perished in UDFC 23. His challenger, a short, cloak-wearing fellow with greenish-brown arms who went by the name of Grends, stuck the rotted end of a spear into Vergen’s chest at only 27 seconds into round one. It was noted that Vergen had kept trying to see what the creature looked like, and it seemed he ventured just a bit too close. As an aside, Grends left the tournament immediately following the slaying. It was reported that a cloaked creature was overheard saying, "I got him... I finally got him" in a hissing voice, though nobody has unraveled what he may have been talking about.

  G. Val. Hart

  UDFC 24

  G. Val. Hart was a giant who felt his height was an unfair advantage in the ring. He wanted to win his fights fair and circle (he didn’t use the word “square” because he wasn’t sure what it meant, precisely). At the start of round one in his first fight in UDFC 24, G. Val. Hart asked his opponent, Quinn Zaxprin, a vampire who was known for having a deadly bite, to give him a moment to get down on his knees so they would be the same height. Quinn took a step back and waited for the giant to finish. Then the vampire got down on his knees, making himself again smaller than the giant. Hart frowned at this and moved to being on all fours to try and even the playing field. Quinn got down on all fours as well. The giant grimaced and then lay flat on his belly, feeling it was only fair. Quinn took this opportunity to launch himself at G. Val. Hart, biting him repeatedly on the neck until the giant found that he was no longer lying face down on the arena floor…he was now on the floor in the Afterlife.

  Kathleen “The Slicer” Portig

  UDFC 26

  Kathleen “The Slicer” Portig was a dark elf who had a thing for halflings. She found them incredibly cute, especially their overly large and hairy feet. In UDFC 26, her worst nightmare became a reality when she was pitted against Welly Hummins, a halfling with bright blue eyes, bushy brown hair, and a pleasant smile. Her heart was filled with dread when the bell rang as she didn’t want to hurt the sweet-looking little fellow. They met in the center of the ring and smiled at each other. Welly held up his arms like a small child asking to be picked up. Kathleen found this irresistibly adorable, so she put away her blade and reached down for him. Just as she neared to pick him up, Welly pulled out a very long—very sharp—knife and swung it at her. She jumped back and soon found herself running around the ring, trying to get away from the little monster. Using his overly large and hairy feet, he tripped the dark elf and then jumped on her back and sent her to the Afterlife. Once she arrived, the person who was helping her noted that she was listed as a follower of the halfling god. With a grunt, Kathleen decided it was time to switch affiliations back to dark elves because she now considered them the safer option.

  Haon "Da Rock Guy" Tnavedruts

  UDFC 28

  Haon "Da Rock Guy" Tnavedruts was sent to the Afterlife during a match against the dark dwarf known as Thurnaer Armbender. Tnavedruts was said to have contracted Boulderrhea, a giant-specific STD that resulted from "playing" with rocks. Because of this, Tnavedruts had worn extra protection on his abdomen since one of the side effects of Boulderrhea was the likelihood of exploding if hit too hard in the stomach. In round two of the bout, Armbender landed a shin-crushing blow, causing Tnavedruts to howl in pain, jump in the air, and fall face-first on the ground, dropping the entirety of his massive weight directly on his stomach. It’s been said that the audience in the first eleven
rows will never forget the effects of UDFC 28. (Anyone sharing a history with Tnavedruts and/or the slightly promiscuous boulder patch two fields in Restain are advised to get tested. They should also avoid sumo wrestling, serving as target practice for cannons, and other similar activities until the results come back.)

  Jan Mummy-Sir

  UDFC 30

  Jan Mummy-Sir was an elf who suffered from the disease known as narcolepsy. She had it mostly under control, assuming she had her medicines with her, that is. Unfortunately, due to nerves regarding being accepted into UDFC 30, Jan had forgotten to bring her pills with her to the event. During round one of the first battle, against Rex “The Biter” Preston—a werewolf who was known for ripping the limbs off his opponents, Jan fell asleep at the sound of the opening bell. This would have meant an easy attack for Rex, but the werewolf never got the chance. The reason for this was because Jan had fallen forward, impaling herself on her own spear, giving her the distinction of being the only warrior in the history of the UDFC to bring about her own demise.

  Carowatt

  UDFC 33

  Mean ogres tended to do well in the UDFC fights, but Carowatt was not a mean ogre. She wasn’t a dumb one either. In fact, she was one of the rare relatively-smart-and-kind-of-nice ogres. But she loved to fight, and she’d use anything as a weapon, often daring her opponent to specify an object for her to use during battle. In UDFC 33, Soilan, a vampire known to fight dirty, dared her to use knitting needles during their bout. Carowatt found this request odd since knitting needles were known to be pointy, meaning they should cause Soilan all sorts of pain by using them. But Soilan had learned some insider information about Carowatt: She couldn’t stand seeing a shirt that was missing a button. During the first round of the fight, Soilen walked out and dropped such a shirt on the ground, followed by a nice silvery button that was just dying to be sewn back on. Carowatt’s eye twitched as she looked back and forth between the smug vampire and the shirt in need of repair. The ramification of her decision was literally a life-and-death situation. Carowatt snapped up the shirt and began running around the arena as Soilen chased her with blade in hand. While Carowatt breathed her last on that day, she did succeed at reattaching the button.