The Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship

by John P. Logsdon

  Flatulent “Flat” Butts

  UDFC 34

  Flatulent "Flat" Butts, an ogre with Fatal Bowel Disease (FBD), was bested in the second round of the semi-finals at UDFC 34 by Fried Bakonz, a dragon who also suffered from FBD. The crowd nearest the fighters at the end of the bout claimed to have heard Butts yelping "Oh, crap!" moments before his pants exploded. This, it turned out, had nothing to do with the flames being released by Bakonz. The crowd, though, was rather pleased that the dragon flamed the area soon afterward, as Butts had made quite the mess. Of course, the effort expelled in flaming the area resulted in a similar explosion from Bakonz, and he was hovering over the crowd at the time. It should be noted that Bakonz felt so bad about the way Butts had gone out that he created a charity in the ogre’s memory called the Urectumso Home for Dragon Riders. Donations are greatly appreciated.

  Lynette “Fierce Fangs” Wood

  UDFC 36

  Lynette “Fierce Fangs” Wood was a vampire who had competed in UDFC 34 and 35, losing both times in the semi-final due to knockout. In UDFC 36, though, she faced the dragon known as Muddles. Though not particularly dire in the realm of physicality, Muddles was excellent at targeting his flames. During round three of the bout, Lynette had launched herself through the air, diving directly at the dragon with her sword extended. The dragon jumped to the side and Lynette’s blade stuck directly into the wood-paneled wall he’d been standing in front of. Thinking quickly, the dragon held her legs up with his claw and cast flame at her while spinning her around. This gave Lynette the notoriety of being the first rotisserie-style death in UDFC history.

  Enoch of Halsey

  UDFC 39

  Enoch of Halsey was a giant who was known for being relatively intelligent, as far as giants go. In the semi-finals of UDFC 39, he squared off against the irritable Goozbee Shincracker, a female dwarf who sported a beard that male dwarves envied, and whose last name spoke of her particular desire to crack shins in battle. Two minutes into the first round, Enoch picked up Goozbee and prepared to throw her across the ring, but the dwarf asked him if he was able to count to twenty. Wanting to prove his intellect, he started rattling off the numbers, getting most of them correct, until he reached ten. Then he had to put Goozbee on the ground so he could continue counting on his toes. The dwarf took advantage of this lapse in Enoch’s judgment, smacked his shins with her hammer, and dropped the poor creature to the ground. To Goozbee’s credit, she did allow him to reach twenty before finishing him.

  Tily

  UDFC 42

  Tily was a dark elf who despised ogres, especially the nice ones, so when she faced off against Yurb—who was one of the kindest ogres to ever participate in the Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship—she had destruction on her mind. Yurb wasn’t known for killing his opponents, but rather just making them submit and then buying them a drink later to apologize. But during their fight, a fan in the crowd threw a banana peel onto the arena floor just as Tily went to move in for the kill. Three things happened at that moment: The first was that Tily slipped on the banana peel and landed flat on her back; the second thing was that a small spider that had been running across the field scurried up and sat itself on Tily’s helm; and the third thing to happen was that Yurb, being absolutely terrified of spiders, began stomping on Tily’s head in an effort to kill the spider. It should be noted that the kind ogre succeeded in bringing about the demise of both the spider and the dark elf once known as Tily.

  K S’Myth

  UDFC 43

  K S’Myth was a dark elf who had risen through the ranks of the Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship until finally being selected to battle in UDFC 43. She had worked for two years straight to prepare for the tournament, never taking even a single day off to relax. Hers was a mind of purpose and strength. Every angle had been considered, every potential challenger fully researched. She was the first called fighter that day and she strode onto the field and stood with her back to her opponent’s side. She had no need to see him come in, after all. Her mind was focused on the task at hand and there would be nothing to distract her. Unfortunately, her opponent—a giant named Zirve—had taken a wrong turn when he was summoned to the field. He tried to get on the field through a side door, but it was locked. In his frustration, he ripped the door from its hinges, walked out onto the field, and threw the door with all of his might. K S’Myth noted only a shadow an instant before being crushed, making her the only competitor to lose in the UDFC before the opening bell.

  Natalia Fallonherwand

  UDFC 47

  Natalia Fallonherwand had an innate dislike for standard elves because she was a dark elf. Worse, those elves who employed flowery speech were enough to drive her to madness. So when she faced off against Melooraquen in UDFC 47, she was ready to punish the elf. What she hadn’t expected was that Melooraquen was the type of warrior who loved speaking throughout the entirety of the match. His incessant rococo oration had driven her to the edge, until Natalia pleaded with him to just shut the hell up. His eyes glittered and he stood tall, pointing his sword directly out as he released a volley of euphemistic discourse. It caused Natalia to cast her blade aside, cover her ears, scream, and run into his outstretched saber, ending her ability to hear him ever again. It should be noted that she is now in the Afterlife, living a life of chosen solitude in the agnostic area.

  Mark Brown

  UDFC 48

  Mark Brown was a vampire who preferred battling against people smaller than him. If they were weaker, too, that was a bonus. The best challenger for him, though, was one who was weaker, smaller, and not very good at fighting. In UDFC 48, Mark thought he found the perfect opponent in Zupper Boltspinner. Zupper was a gnome with a chipper disposition who appeared to be absent-minded and rather clumsy. But Mark soon learned that it’s not wise to underestimate anyone in the UDFC. It was in the first minute of the first round of the first fight when Mark casually walked across the field toward Zupper. The gnome had his back turned, giving Mark the perfect opportunity to literally stab the fellow in the back. There were little lights glowing around the gnome, and a few whirring sounds came through as well, but that only made skewering the little fellow more enjoyable seeing that Mark was not a fan of gnomes. Just as he was about to put a point of finality to the tiny Zupper, the gnome cheered and ran away, leaving Mark to stare into the face of an oncoming rocket. The crowd “ewww”ed and “awwww”ed at first, but the second explosion was more colorful, causing them to change their expressions to “oooh”s and “ahhh”s instead.

  Tracitia “The Tooth” Burr

  UDFC 50

  Tracitia “The Tooth” Burr was not one of your standard double-toothed vampires. She had only one fang, and it was the left one. The right one had never grown in, and this had meant she was teased a lot. So much so that she learned the art of Dragon Martial Arts and began cracking heads. In UDFC 50, she met an orc by the name of Levkore in the second round. She’d never bitten an orc before and so that’s how she planned to take him out. They battled, punching, kicking, and slicing until the orc made a deadly mistake. He lunged forward, exposing his neck long enough for Tracitia to chomp his jugular with her single, sharpened tooth. Immediately afterward, she learned why vampires went out of their way not to bite orcs. It turned out that their blood tasted like rotting cheese. Tracitia began to gag as she pushed herself away from the grunting beast she’d just bitten. That’s when she remembered that orcs don’t just instantly fall over when bitten by a vampire. She spun back to find a very irritated orc holding his neck in one hand and a gigantic, spike-covered club in the other. The rest, as they say, is history.

  Teninch Mustdodadeed

  UDFC 51

  Teninch Mustdodadeed was a dwarf who had been known to illegally smuggle explosives into the fights. During UDFC 51, he went up against the pink dragon known as Oonakwe Kwanookwa. With nobody the wiser, Teninch had put a sunburst clusterbomb in his shorts. It was placed in the back since the security personnel knew better th
an to get near a dwarf’s rear end. But during the fight, Teninch was unable to get the bomb out. It had somehow gotten stuck. After rolling around and dodging the flames that were being thrown at him by Oonakwe, he finally was able to get the fuse exposed. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. Unfortunately, the pink dragon saw this also and so she sent a very directed flame to ignite the wick that was attached to the bomb. Teninch started to run at the dragon, knowing that she would snuff the flame if he was near her, but she leapt into the air and flew up well above the stadium. Teninch rolled on the ground and did all that he could to stop the flame from getting to the sunburst clusterbomb, but it was all for naught as the explosive detonated and sent a rainbow of colors through the air along with the pieces of one obliterated dwarf.

  Lalin

  UDFC 55

  Lalin was a werewolf who had mastered the art of turning into her wolf form whenever she desired. This had allowed her to rise up the ranks of the Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship until she’d made it to the big show. In UDFC 55, Lalin was pitted against Nednorth Cazren, a dark elf who had very large and pointy ears. The two matched up nicely through the first two rounds of battle, but in the third round things turned when Lalin flipped into her wolf mode and launched herself at Nednorth, catching the dark elf by surprise. Lalin snapped off one of Nednorth’s ears during the exchange. This would have been a boon to Lalin’s chance of winning except that the enormous ear got lodged in the werewolf’s throat and she couldn’t get it out. Nednorth went to reengage with Lalin, clearly agitated over the loss of his ear, but he stopped after noting that the werewolf had choked to death on it.

  Baronin

  UDFC 57

  Baronin was a dark halfling who fought against Sir William Tellerington, a roaming knight who had served many kingdoms over his years. Tellerington was known for saying that he was terribly sorry for having to kill his opponents moments before his sword burrowed its way into their chests. Conversely, Baronin was known for getting under the skin of her opponents. She would incessantly poke fun at them and call them names. Her tormenting style of battle was a thing of legend. So when the second round of her fight against Sir Tellerington arrived, the knight had a sneer on his face. Apparently, he was not all that fond of being called “tin man” or “armor boy” or “steel-boot Billy.” So when his sword cleaved its way into Baronin’s side, she very clearly heard Sir Tellerington say, “I am not terribly sorry for doing this.” She grabbed his boot as she hit the ground and motioned him to come closer. Being an honorable sort, Sir William Tellerington knelt beside the fallen Baronin. She winced for a moment and then smiled at him and, with her dying breath, she said, “Nice fight, Captain Pointystick.”

  Mark Beech

  UDFC 61

  Mark Beech was a dark elf who spent years studying the art of fighting dragons. When the day finally arrived for him to face one of the beasts, he was ready. It was at UDFC 61 and his opponent was the grisly creature named Wezindunia Ealumdrunan—or Wez, as her friends called her. At the bell, Mark ran towards the dragon, faked a step to the left, jumped over to the right, and swung up onto the dragon’s back while pulling forth his blade in one fluid motion. But this wasn’t Wez’s first battle, and she seemingly knew precisely how to respond to this attack. With a shot, she launched straight up towards the clouds, causing Mark to drop his blade and instead hold on for dear life. When Wez got enough altitude, Mark passed out and slid off her back and began falling back to Ononokin. This would have been enough to end the match since the dark elf was incapable of flying, but Wez kept moving him back and forth until she had him targeted just so. Then she yelled to wake him up. It took him a moment to realize he was free-falling from a great height, but things got worse when Wez smiled at him and pointed. Mark followed the direction of her finger and saw the metal edge of the enormous UDFC 61 sign moments before it split him in two.

  The Cassandra

  UDFC 64

  The Cassandra was an elf who had perfect balance, walked with a level of grace few had mastered, and was considered highly intellectual. She did have one flaw, though, and it turned out to be a fatal one. The Cassandra was not quite adept at tying her bootlaces. During the second round of fight number two in UDFC 64, one of her laces had come undone. She finished the round and came back to ask her corner to tie it back up for her, but it seemed that the hot dog vendor was nearby and the entire corner crew was famished. This left The Cassandra to fumble through the tying process on her own. She was apprehensive, but once finished fashioning a double knot, her spirits lifted and the bell rang signaling that round three had started. Feeling a sense of pride that was not typically attributed to tying one’s own shoes, The Cassandra stepped purposefully toward her opponent and felt the pull of laces. She glanced down as she began to fall and noticed that she’d tied her boots together. A curse escaped her lips an instant before her head was crushed in by her own hammer.

  Neil “Bruiser” Webber

  UDFC 66

  Neil “Bruiser” Webber was an undersized ogre with a chip on his shoulder. He’d been fighting since he was young because the bigger ogres constantly pestered him. In UDFC 66, he squared off against a dark halfling named Dupree Littleknees who made Neil feel huge. The halfling was a cunning fellow, though Neil didn’t know it until it was too late. At the sound of the opening bell, the dark halfling made chicken sounds at Neil, causing the ogre to run over in rage. Once he arrived, Dupree held up a hand and stopped Neil. He then pointed at a spot on the ground and Neil scratched his head and moved over to it. Dupree moved Neil around, getting things just right, until he finally nodded and winked at the ogre. Neil felt accomplished, though he wasn’t sure why. The halfling then took out a pair of scissors and set about cutting a thick rope that was right next to Neil, but he wasn’t getting very far. Trying to be helpful, Neil took the scissors from Dupree and snipped at the rope until it finally snapped in two. A gigantic piano plummeted from the top rafters and crushed Neil where he stood. It should be noted that Dupree was disqualified from the tournament, but he was given a consolation reward for his creativity.

  Sandeelia Lloydwynn

  UDFC 68

  Sandeelia was known as a dark elf who would fight at the drop of a hat. One wrong look tended to spell doom for any poor soul in her path. This was especially true when it came to ogres, even the dumb ones. But she’d met her match in UDFC 68 when a mean ogre by the name of Gah faced her in the semi-finals. Gah had followed Sandeelia around for years, making no bones about the fact that he was madly in love with her. This gave Sandeelia even more ammunition to end the ogre in the ring because she was highly repulsed by him. At the start of the match, Sandeelia made solid progress, swishing her two scimitars expertly at Gah, adding to his already impressive scar ensemble. But when she dived forward and shoved both blades into his thighs, Gah didn’t scream or yell. He grinned. You see, Gah was an ogre who felt no pain, and while Sandeelia’s attack would certainly spell the end for Gah due to blood loss, she’d gotten within reach of his massive arms. He grabbed her, pulling her in and giving her a big wet kiss that stirred something inside, causing her to close her eyes and kiss him back. She’d never felt anything like that before. It was like a burning in her belly. Could it be love? It wasn’t. When Gah had pulled her in for a kiss, one of her scimitars fell from his leg and stuck through her stomach. They both perished moments later. It should be noted that Gah continued pursuing Sandeelia in the Afterlife until she finally relented and married him. She figured she couldn’t kill him in the Afterlife, seeing that he was already dead, but she could certainly make his eternity a difficult one. To this day their neighbors cringe at the amount of nagging that poor ogre endures after Sandeelia hands him a honey-do list.

  Rob Rawl

  UDFC 71

  Rob Rawl was a human who spent most of his days in the portal stations acting in the role of scrag. He was tough, gruff, and in love with gold coins. In the semi-finals at UDFC 71, Rob found himself pitted against the wealt
hiest fighter the UDFC had ever known. Hubris Humphrey was a merchant who also happened to be a dark halfling. It was said that Hubris had attained his immense wealth through clever dealings, which became incredibly apparent during his fight against Rob Rawl. Rob had planned to destroy the little twerp in the ring and then mug him later in order to liberate a sizable chunk of change. But Rob’s eyes caught sight of the massive change purse that Hubris had on his side and his heart skipped a beat. The purse was immaculate. It had deep brown leather that was oiled to a sheen, gold rivets and stitching, and it bulged enough to tell Rob that there were enough coins inside to pay a king’s ransom. With a speed reserved typically for elves, Rob snatched the purse away and ran to the other side of the field as Hubris complained. But the halfling’s aggravation turned out to be a ruse because when Rob unzipped the precious purse now in his possession, a flash of white light filled the air, costing Rob not only the match, but also his life.