Broken Silence

by Jade Buchanan

  He was currently sitting at one of the kid tables with his sister and four of his cousins. Yacky and Quacky were to his right, with their sister Michelle on the other side of Quacky. Last was his cousin, Kevin, a town cop who was a few years ahead of Rich. The six of them had just opened their crackers to find this weird shit.

  “Did Mom run out of ideas this year?” He held up his tea strainer. His mom and the aunts made the crackers from scratch, so they picked and chose what would go in. But, usually they weren’t this random. He'd gotten a pack of playing cards last year. At least he'd been able to use it. What the hell was he going to do with a tea strainer?

  “Well, I think they’re telling you you’re going to be travelling soon,” Lora said as she put on her pink paper crown and tilted it rakishly.

  “To prison,” Michelle finished.

  Lora giggled. “Where you’re going to be tea-bagged.”

  “Ha ha,” Rich said. "You two are hilarious."

  Lora nodded. “And Kevin’s prison shank is so you don’t become some guy’s bitch.”

  “It’s a corkscrew, not a prison shank,” Rich said.

  “Seriously, that’s what you objected to?” Lora asked. “Bro, you have to sort out your priorities.”

  “You girls are psychotic.”

  Kevin shook his head. Considering it was currently decorated with a yellow paper crown, Rich figured it didn't quite have the effect Kevin intended. He refused to put his own red crown on. They couldn't make him. Shit. Rich winced at the glare his mom sent him and gingerly placed the red crown on top of his head. Fucking sucks. He always had to wear the stupid crown and it was always slightly too small for his fucking giant head.

  “I’m so not getting into this," Kevin said. "Although, don’t be threatening to shank someone while I’m sitting here. I already told you I can’t cover up crimes unless I can say I know nothing about them.”

  Rich grinned at his cousin.

  Kevin looked almost identical to Rich. They definitely took after their fathers, although only Rich followed in his dad’s footsteps. Kevin was Uncle Henry’s son, and hadn’t felt like being a cook so he hadn’t worked in the bar and grill for long.

  Instead Kevin had gone on to the police academy and gotten a job with the Ontario Provincial Police, the OPP. He'd managed to be stationed in Temiskaming so he lived in town. Rich thought it was sweet for the most part. It helped him to get out of a few speeding tickets. Well, the ones his mom didn't know about anyway.

  “Dinner's served. Come and get it, everyone!” Rich's mom yelled out from the bar area.

  Rich impatiently waited in line for food. Big family dinners like this tended to be a potluck kind of thing. All the aunts, a few uncles and a handful of cousins gloried in bringing their best dishes, competing to see who would go home empty handed at the end of the night. It shouldn't much matter, since there were so many of them here, but he always figured they thought there were more relatives than there were since they always ended up with a shitload of leftovers at the end of the night. He couldn't figure out if they thought the men should be hungrier than they always were or if none of them could count properly. Either way, there was a lot of food.

  Rich's dad got to serve himself first, as the de facto host of the event and head of the family. He was the oldest of his brothers and sisters, and since Rich's grandparents were both dead, Dan took over the job of being head of the family on the Matheson side.

  Rich finally got his turn and loaded up on as much food as his plate would hold. There was the requisite turkey and cranberry sauce, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked potatoes, stuffed potatoes—they were Irish, potato was its own food group—salads, casseroles, miscellaneous vegetable dishes and a huge ham for those who didn't want turkey. He eyed the dessert table filled with every kind of pie one could imagine. He grinned when he saw that his Aunt Gracie had made two lemon meringue pies this year. Shit, that stuff was good. His male cousins had a rule about pie, it didn't leave the table, so there weren't going to be any leftovers of that. He might need to sneak in there early to make sure he grabbed a slice.

  Sitting back down at his table, Rich leaned in toward Kevin and whispered, “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Whoever eats the fastest, eats the most.”

  “Amen,” Kevin laughed softly.

  Father Peter, his dad's cousin, stood up and blessed the room. “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

  Rich crossed himself before he held out his hands, grasping Lora's on one side and Kevin's on the other.

  Father Peter spoke again. “Lord, we thank you for the food you've provided us with, and for the wonderful company of friends and family today as we celebrate this holy and miraculous day. May you continue to bless us, and grace us with your presence as we enter a new year. Amen.”

  “Amen,” they all repeated.

  “So, what's new with you?” Rich asked his cousin once Father Peter had seated himself again and they all started to dig into the food.

  Man, they'd outdone themselves tonight. He forked up a heaping bite of mashed potatoes and gravy and nearly moaned at the orgasmic taste. Garlic, someone had put garlic in the potatoes. Fucking A.

  Kevin shrugged. “Not much. It's been pretty hectic lately. Everyone and their dog got into a car accident before the holiday, I swear. And if I get one more domestic disturbance call at the Rafferty home, I might kill someone.”

  “They still going at it?” The two had been famous for their fights even before Rich was born, so it wasn't exactly a secret in this town.

  “I think I'd be disappointed if they didn't. At least it livens up my Wednesdays. I'm telling you, one of these days I'm just going to ignore them.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “No, I'm not, but I'm considering it.”

  Rich grinned. "No, you're not.”

  "Whatever. Oh, did you hear Little Hank is thinking of joining the OPP?”

  Rich shook his head. Little Hank was Kevin's brother, named after his dad, naturally. His dad who freaking worked with Rich every fucking day. He was out of touch. This was the first he'd heard of it. No one told him anything. “I didn't know that. How come Uncle Henry didn't tell me? When'd he decide that? No one ever tells me anything.”

  “Calm it down. He told me last night.”

  Ah, that would be why he hadn't heard about it yet. “What'd you tell him?”

  “That he had a better shot of getting into the academy if he was flaming gay, but he's determined to try anyway.”

  There it was again. Another gay reference. He was starting to get sick of it. He ignored for the moment the fact that he said enough gay jokes to wallpaper all of Toronto with, but this was different.

  Or maybe it was just that he was starting to think differently lately.

  Come to think of it, he had over a hundred relatives. He couldn't possibly be the only gay one in the family. Could he? What were the odds that there was someone else in his family that couldn't, or wouldn't, come out because of the way the relatives acted. What if it was one of the younger generation? Would they feel more comfortable if Rich led the way? If he was honest with his family, would someone else feel comfortable enough to live their life openly and proudly?

  Or would his family react badly, and reject him and everything he stood for? What would happen if he decided to be honest with himself and his family?

  He couldn't, or wouldn't if he was honest, take the risk. There was just too much at stake.

  And why was he thinking about it anyway? Sure, so he'd been having fun with Matthew in the past few days, but that was a drop in the bucket compared to how old he was. They weren't even technically in a relationship. Two sexual fumblings and a handful of meetings didn't constitute a relationship. Sure, they'd talked on the phone a few times now, and they'd texted when they'd both been at work, but Rich still wasn't sure where this was really going. Was it going anywhere? Well, sure, it was leading to actual sex now that he had his test result
s, but was that it?

  Shit, this was hard. Jonah was the only other person that he'd had a relationship with in town. What was going to happen if he continued to see Matthew? How far would this thing, whatever they were doing, last. How far could it last?

  It wasn't like they were going to ever pick out china patterns and move in together. Right? So, what was the point? Fuck, Rich felt older than his years. Not for the first time in his life he wondered where exactly his life was headed. He wasn't sure he could keep doing this. Day after day, year after year. It was all the same.

  He liked his life for the most part, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it was supposed to be more. He was supposed to be more. Or was he? Working at a bar, hanging out with his friends... Was that all he was supposed to have?

  Looking around at his family, he realized that he'd never be able to add to it. There wouldn't be any Little Rich sitting at the kid’s table. As much as he wasn't ready to tell his parents the truth, he finally realized that he wasn't enough of an asshole to marry some girl just to keep up appearances. He couldn't do that to himself. Or that nameless, faceless girl.

  So, what could he do? It was strange, but he wanted to talk to Matthew. The other man understood him in a way that he felt no one else did. They talked about stuff that he was too embarrassed to bring up to his actual friends. Matthew didn't look at him weird, or make fun of him when he talked about his feelings.

  Hell, the last time he'd brought up his future with Doobie, he'd had to endure feminine jokes for a week. Like you'd grow a pussy just because you wanted to talk about your feelings.

  He loved his friends, but they weren't always the most sensitive. Hell, neither was he. He was fully aware of how much of an asshole he could be.

  Matthew was different, though. It was crazy that he was thinking shit like this when he hadn't really known him that long. Sure, he'd known of him, and seen him around for months. But, they'd never talked until Rich had approached him those few short weeks ago. And now Rich couldn't imagine not having Matthew around. It was weird. He'd never seen this coming.

  And how weird was it that he was sitting here at Christmas, thinking of another man? Digging into his food, he said his own prayer to the big guy upstairs. Please let this be okay. Please let me find just an ounce of happiness. Whatever happens. Wherever I end up. I'm not ready to stop seeing Matthew. I want to see where this goes. Please. Just let me be happy for a bit. However long it lasts, I just want to be happy.

  He somehow managed to push that to the back of his mind and enjoy the rest of dinner. The girls were in fine form, and Kevin contributed to make it a good night overall.

  Rich was laughing at yet another story from Kevin's endless store of cop tales when he felt his phone vibrate. He quickly pulled it out of his pocket and held it on his lap under the table. He wasn't quite stupid enough to pull it out where his mom might see it.

  A grown-up he might be, but Loraine would always be his mom and rules were rules. There were to be no phones on Christmas day.

  He smiled when he realized it was a text from Matthew.

  Off work now. You free soon?

  Rich glanced at the time, and did some quick calculations in his head. He'd already been up for seconds and he noticed his dad making a beeline for the dessert table so he could probably get out of here in another hour. He quickly texted the information to Matthew and grinned at the response.

  You might want to be safe tonight after eating all that fatty food. I hear it might be helpful to sleep with a nurse.

  Rich snorted. Yeah, that could be arranged.

  He typed back, Sleep safe, sleep with a nurse? You know someone I could ask?

  I hear Edna's available, was the response.

  Rich laughed out loud at that.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Lora asked.

  “Nothing,” Rich said, before typing back another response to Matthew that he'd see him in an hour or so.

  Thank God Matthew's aunt was down south and Matthew had the house to himself because there was no way Rich was going to be able to sneak Matthew past the entire family gathered in the bar tonight. Sure, he'd just been thinking about what it would be like to come out to the family, but that probably wasn't the best way of doing so.

  Although, it sure would be something to remember. He wondered how long it would take for that gossip to spread through town.

  “Well, who the heck are you texting? Mom will have a freak out of epic proportions if she catches you.”

  “She's not going to catch me as long as you keep your yap shut.”

  “Make me, butthead.”

  Rich manfully refrained from sticking his tongue out at her, but it was a close call.

  “Hey, can you cover for me?” he asked.

  “What are you doing?”

  Rich thought quickly. “The boys are getting together, and I'm going to head over there later. But, I might not be back tonight. If we're drinking then I'll probably just stay at Marcus' place tonight. You know what Mom's like.”

  It was true, his mom had freaked about him drinking anything since he'd had his little accident a few months back. He hated lying to his mom, though, so he didn't want to directly talk to her tonight. She'd know he wasn't going to Marcus' with just one look.

  This way they'd all think he was just uncomfortable telling his mom he might be drinking. It was brilliant, if he did say so himself. He could use their own fear of him having another accident and hang out with Matthew at the same time.

  It wasn't like anyone was going to follow up with the boys, either. Which was good for him since none of them were actually here at the moment. Etienne was spending the holiday in Noranda with his family. Marcus was down south in Ottawa and Doobie was out in Sudbury visiting his grandparents. But, he was almost certain that no one actually knew what his friends were doing for the holidays. Why would they know?

  Rich just couldn't figure out any other reason for why he was leaving the family dinner and not coming back. Damn them for having this at the bar like they always did.

  He wasn't sure if she believed him or not, but Lora just nodded slowly. “Sure, I'll tell Mom if she asks.”

  “Thanks. If they don't say anything, don't offer it, okay?”

  He figured he was safe from questions if he could sneak out the back while everyone was occupied after dessert. They tended to sit and talk for hours after dinner. The little kids would get restless but they always cleared out a space in the restaurant so they could play with their toys, or watch TV if they wanted. The TV's in the restaurant were hooked up to a DVD player, for just these kinds of moments. Everyone else would be distracted after their full meal, but it was touch and go to figure out how long they'd stay.

  “Have fun.”

  Rich looked at his sister. “I'm sure I will.”

  “Say hi to the idiots for me. You'll have to tell me what Doobie got for Christmas. You know how it bugs him if people know before he tells them.”

  Yeah, that was true. Doobie was one of those people who had to tell everyone and their pet donkey what he got for Christmas. Always had been, probably always would. But, even worse than that was the fact he hated it if someone else shared the news before he got a chance to tell you. As soon as Rich and his friends had found that out they'd started the annual tradition of spilling the beans before Doob could. It drove him crazy, which made it fun.

  Anyway, he just had to make it through dessert and he would be over at Matthew's and getting his own dessert.

  He couldn't wait. To help move things along Rich stood up and walked over to the groaning dessert table. Fucking A.

  Kevin came up beside him.

  “So, who are you really seeing?”

  Rich started. “Huh?”

  “Don't pull that bullshit on me. I'm a cop. Who are you really seeing?”

  “None of your fucking business.” Rich grabbed a piece of lemon meringue and added a healthy slice of raisin pie. He ruminated over the strawberry rhubarb. Would
they kill him if he took three slices at his first serving? Hell, he'd probably be up here again, just to keep up appearances. Plus, it was fucking good pie.

  “Come on, just tell me. I'm so out of the gossip. Didn't realize you were seeing some girl. I won't tell anyone.”

  Rich realized that Kevin was still talking to him. He looked over at his cousin and shook his head. What was he supposed to say? It wasn’t exactly some girl he was going to see. “Yeah, and risk you spreading it to all the family the minute I walk out of here. Do you think I was born yesterday? Eat your pie.”

  “Nag nag. You sound like my mom.”

  “Take it back, Kev.”

  Kevin's mom was constantly telling everyone they were too skinny and needed to eat more. Didn't matter if you were a hundred pounds overweight like his Uncle Casey, she still told you to eat more. Came in handy when he went up for second desserts, but otherwise it was annoying. Mostly because she delighted in pinching your waist when she did it. Her bony little fingers freaking hurt.

  “Come on, just tell me.”

  “There's nothing to say. Seriously. I'm hanging with the boys.”

  “Right, sure you are. Well, have fun with the boys tonight. Don't get gonorrhea.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Seriously, Rich. Syphilis is making a comeback. We just got all the paperwork on it at the station.”

  That thought momentarily distracted him. “Seriously? They send you guys that shit. Why?”

  “We're supposed to do a thing at the high school in January. Like I'm going to be able to go in there, when half the kids in grade twelve are related to me, and talk about safe sex? This is fucking torture and Cap knows it. Whatever.”

  “Hell, it can't be worse than seeing Uncle Paul walking down Main Street in a diaper with a baby bottle. You'll survive.” Sometimes it didn't pay to stay in town once you graduated from high school. His uncle had gone on to Mining School in Haileybury instead of going down south to University and served as a cautionary tale for all the Matheson's not to be stupid where your relatives could see you.