Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  But he was breathing, and that was enough for me.

  "He's alive," I whispered, scrambling to my feet and rushing back to Nathan, who let out a relieved breath and held me close.

  "I am sorry, Kate. He pushed me; I just wanted to get past him to get to you. He pushed. I had to...he fell," Nathan stammered, pausing when Sean moved slightly.

  "We need to leave," I said in a rush and grabbed my bag and Nathan's hat off the ground.

  Nathan watched as I gathered our things, apprehension clear as he glanced at Sean repeatedly. He stood there frozen until I reached for his hand and held it carefully as I could in my own. My touch seemed to jog him back to reality and he turned, grasping my hand. We walked swiftly out of the alley and towards his buggy that stood across from the diner. His hand never left mine until he helped me up into his buggy, climbing in quickly to sit beside me.

  A flick of the reins and we were off at a fast pace, the town fast disappearing behind us. I looked back several times, sure that we would see the red car following at any moment. It was only when I felt the heat of Nathan's hand over mine on the seat did I turn finally to find him watching me.

  His cut had stopped bleeding; leaving a darkening red line across his cheek, and his lip was caked in dried blood, the plump part of his lip growing plumper by the minute. The hand that covered mine squeezed gently, just a ghost of pressure. I picked his hand up and held it up to my lips briefly. I felt him tense slightly when I lowered it to rest on my lap, onto bare legs.

  He cleared his throat when he pulled his hand gently from my lap, turning to concentrate on the road ahead. I knew I was grossly underdressed for his sensibilities. I shifted in my seat, trying to shrink as far into the corner and hide as much of me as I could from Nathan's uncomfortable gaze. He glanced at me several times, his eyes darting back to the road when they ventured anywhere partly exposed. I suddenly felt more like the whore Sean had labeled me while I sat awkwardly half-dressed next to Nathan. I had never felt so exposed when I had worn my own clothes, but I was in a different world. And I was going back to it, with the Amish man that had told me to leave, and yet had come to my rescue.

  Why had he come to find me?

  Why was he taking me back?

  "I thought I had killed him."

  His pained voice pulled me from my thoughts.

  "But you didn't, Nathan. It wasn't your fault.”

  He shook his head and frowned hard.

  "But I thought I had. You do not understand, Kate. We do not fight. It is our law. But he hurt you, and then he pushed. I only pushed him so that I could get to you; to be sure you were not injured. I was sure I had gone too far," he said, his breath coming a little harder as he gripped the reins hard.

  "It's all right, Nathan. You didn't do anything wrong," I said softly, watching as his frown deepened while he seemed to contemplate what had happened.

  "Who was he? Does he have a claim on you?" he whispered, his eyebrows buried together at the idea.

  "No one has a claim on me," I said a little too forcefully.

  I would never be anyone’s possession again.

  "I did not mean to presume. It is not my place," he stammered, looking away hurriedly.

  "No, Nathan. I didn't mean to be rude. He is just," I said and trailed off, leaning into the side of the buggy and curling into myself, embarrassed to talk about this with him.

  He'd think me cheap. Or worse, dirty. Certainly not pure and innocent, something he deserved.

  "I am sorry," he whispered after a long silence.

  "I should be saying sorry," I replied. "I dragged you into something you don't need to trouble yourself over. It's not your problem."

  "I was worried for you."

  I looked over to find him watching me again, his eyes regarding me with such intensity.

  "I don't know why," I murmured and looked away.

  "You have something about you, Kate. Something that pulls me," he started only to stop and look back out towards the road.

  "I'm an outsider, Nathan. English. I’ll only shame you," I whispered and retreated further into my corner of the buggy.

  I felt his gaze on me again, but I refused to look into those deep eyes and see the truth of my words in them. His quiet exhale made me finally turn to face those sad green depths, losing myself in them as he continued to watch me intently.

  "I shame myself, Kate. You help me to see there is a light in the world by your kindness, and I push you away," he replied softly, looking away from me finally and off into the fields of corn.

  "Why did you come after me? You told me to leave," I asked softly, afraid to hear his admittance.

  He shook his head, a rueful smile playing at his lips.

  "I did not mean for you to leave forever, Kate. I meant for just that moment. I was afraid. You kissed me and I felt an overwhelming urge. I was tempted. I was afraid I would shame you if you remained in that moment," he said, his ears turning bright pink.

  "Shame me?" I asked, confused by how he could possibly shame me, the dirty Englisher.

  His blush grew, and he frowned, his eyebrows drawing up tight on his forehead.

  "Kate, you have an indescribable hold on me, since the first moment I met you. You are like nothing I have ever known. I have tried to deny it, to say it is merely temptation wanting to lead me astray, but it is more than that. Perhaps you are here for a reason that only God knows. But it is only a matter of time before you realize that you miss your home and leave us," he said and looked towards me, his eyes drawing me in to their tormented depths once more.

  I slid a little closer to him, his eyes widening for a moment and his mouth opening in protest before my finger tip touched his battered lips gently.

  "I have no interest in going back there, Nathan. I can't go back to that. I don’t know where I belong. But here? It's daunting I admit it. I know I will mess up. I don't understand most of what you do here. I know there are rules but I don't know them. I'll break them, I am sure. But I'd like to find my way here if I can. If it’s even possible," I whispered softly.

  “Anything is possible,” he said. A hint of a smile cracked at his lip, causing it to bleed again. I traced the wound, wiping away the blood before it could run. He seemed to sense my distress over his injuries and pulled my hand back into his own for a moment before returning it to my lap. His fingertips lingered against the flesh along the top of my thigh as he held me.

  His touch was feather light as it moved with a tentative curiosity along my arm and up, brushing lightly across the welt I could feel pounding along my hairline from where I had struck the door. I winced at the slight pressure, knowing the bruise would hurt more tomorrow.

  "I thought he had struck you dead," he whispered, his breath coming a little harder when he turned away to concentrate on the road ahead, his hands returning to the reins in a white-knuckled grip.

  "I was scared he'd hurt you. He’s strong," I said, watching his jaw clench.

  "I am not afraid of him," he murmured. His hand flexed slightly, as if to temper his anger.

  I was quiet while we traveled, wondering if he truly was unafraid of Sean.

  "I am sorry you had to hear what he said," I whispered after a while, terrified that perhaps Nathan believed the things Sean had said.

  "He had no right to behave as he did. What he said, what he did to you? That is not allowed in my world. You deserve better than what he has done. That would not happen here. I would not," he started before shaking his head, sliding away from me as another buggy approached.

  I slipped back over to my side, unsure how it would appear with Nathan to be riding with someone like me. The buggy passed, the occupant waving to Nathan who returned it and continued on. I was contemplating how things had changed when I felt his hand brush across mine and take it lightly into his once more. Looking over, I caught the brief smile flicker across his lips and he let his eyes close for a moment, his thumb lightly stroking across my knuckles.

  He had come after me
, had stood up to Sean, and his gentle smile as he grazed my hand sent shivers through my body at the thought that I had made him happy. He was truly interested in me. I just had no idea how to continue by their standards. What I had experienced so far suggested I was well out of my league in matters of dating. I had a feeling everything I had learned from Sean would be taboo in Nathan's world. Just the kiss had sent him running. Would he ignore me when others were around?

  "I don't know how to act around you," I murmured.

  He opened his eyes and his smile fought the tightness of the cut. But his eyes danced as he took me in.

  "I do not know as well. Our ways are much different I know. You are correct; there are rules and it will take time to learn them. I would like to show you our ways, if that is what you would like. I would like to know more of your world, so that I may understand you. But we must abide by the law," he whispered, his eyes thoughtful as he watched my reaction.

  He was saying he wanted something. Wanted me.

  "So what next?" I asked, feeling the blush creep along my neck as his thumb returned to brushing across my knuckles. Just his touch was certainly taboo, right? It felt entirely too good to be right.

  "I shall take you home," he said, his eyes sparkling at the mention of home.

  "And then?" I asked, my smile breaking out across my face.

  "And then I would request Elder Jonah to allow me to see you again.”

  His thumb skirted across my hand a little faster, excited.

  "And then?"

  He brought my hand up to his lips, kissing my knuckles lightly before smiling down into my eyes.

  "And then perhaps I would like to steal a kiss under the moonlight, Kate. If you would allow me," he said and offered me a smile that made my insides melt.

  I squeezed his hand in mine, eager to find out more about this man.

  We travelled back in silence, my hand in his, each of us deep in thought of what was to come. And for the first time in a long time, I felt truly safe. Whatever laws we had to abide by, I was excited to learn.

  I'd learn his ways.

  I'd learn and find my place in his world.

  Chapter 11

  Nathan held my hand all the way back to the Bergers. When we turned onto the long drive to the house, he squeezed it as if in promise of returning to it when he could before his hand slipped from my grasp. It was sunset when we finally came to a stop, in front of my new home. He carefully helped me down from the buggy and released me quickly into the arms of Fannie and Jonah, back from their duties and worried for their newest charge. Our bruises alarmed them, but Nathan promised to relay the story before supper, insisting that I needed a few moments.

  By a few moments, I was sure he meant to get some clothes on. He refused to look my way as I stood there, half clothed by his standards. I was ushered into the house by Fannie and Emma, Jonah staying with Nathan outside. Leaving me to change in the bedroom I looked out the window and down to find Jonah patting Nathan's shoulder softly, nodding as if in serious conversation. Nathan was shaking his head, taking the familiar black hat off to scrub at his hair roughly. He hung his head for a moment, Jonah taking Nathan by the shoulder towards the house, his head turned in to speak softly.

  A knock on the door drew me from the window. Opening the door, I was startled to see Hannah there in the doorway, a new dress in her hands. She offered it to me, her gaze taking in the cut along my hairline before she shook her head and looked me in the eye, the same look I had seen in the garden. Her voice was unnaturally soft when she spoke.

  "I took in the length of the dress for you. I can show you how to do this if you like, Katherine.”

  "I would like that, Hannah. Thank you," I murmured, unsure how to respond to her.

  "I would of course help you make another pie for tomorrow night, if you would allow me," she suggested. I laughed nervously, drawing her eyes up to me in confusion. My emotions were a little raw.

  "I would like that very much. Maybe we can make dinner together tomorrow?" I asked, watching as she looked at me cautiously for a moment before nodding, her face still troubled. She lingered at the door a moment before her hand came up to touch my bruises along my arm gently. I couldn’t help the flinch.

  "No one should be allowed to do this. Too many fall victim, I am sorry you are hurt," she said, her voice strangely distant.

  Before I could respond, she excused herself and left me there alone. I stood in the doorway for a long moment, contemplating what had just happened with Hannah's sudden warming. I was left feeling more confused than ever.

  Jonah ushered me into the front room of the house when I had changed, Fannie lighting several lamps near a chair that sat near the front window. Jonah motioned for me to sit, turning to his bag that sat on the table nearby. I sat hesitantly with my hands folded in my lap and watched as he turned and paused beside me, pursing his lips towards the dark corner of the room. I followed his gaze and noticed Nathan standing in the shadow, his body hunched slightly as he watched me. His arms were folded up around himself, one hand rubbing at the side of his head worriedly.

  "Nathan," Jonah sighed. "Just a few minutes alone if you would."

  Nathan's eyes darted to mine, unreadable in the half-light, but I could tell by his tight lips that he was worried. He nodded, scrubbing at his neck before slipping through the door, watching me until the door closed him off to me. I swallowed at the sudden separation, not realizing just how much Nathan's presence comforted me after my altercation with Sean.

  I could feel it significantly as Fannie and Jonah regarded me carefully.

  Was I in trouble?

  For running away? For putting Nathan in harm’s way?

  Was Nathan in trouble for hurting Sean?

  I waited while Jonah circled me slowly, taking in my appearance and sighing softly.

  "Katherine," he said softly.

  Finding the courage to look up, I was caught off guard by the amount of concern etched on his face, but also the fact that he refused to look me in the eye.

  "Katherine, I need to ask you questions. Questions we do not typically ask. I have spoken with Nathan, he has told me of your English boyfriend and the violence he inflicted upon you," he said quietly, standing very still before me.

  I concentrated my focus on my hands, at the bruises that were darkening along my wrists. I took a startled breath when he squatted down before me, his hands gently hovering over mine.

  "May I look to your injuries, Katherine?" he whispered quietly.

  I swallowed and extended my arms out to him slowly, struggling at slow measured breaths as his hands ghosted over my wrists. Jonah's fingers were cool and gentle as they traced and pressed at the bones. I winced slightly at the tenderness, but remained quiet as he frowned and moved on towards the bruises up my arms. Fannie stood beside me with her hand beside my head, tucking back the stray hairs from my bun as if to distract both of us from his exploration. It was when Jonah moved up to my face that his eyes finally caught mine fully. The kind face was back in place, but examining me saddened his normally vibrant eyes.

  He waited until I could nod to let him continue and then traced his fingertips over the tender spot on my forehead, where I had hit the car door.

  "This will need cleaning, but I do not think stitches are needed. It is not as deep as Nathan feared. Does it hurt?" he asked.

  "No more than I am used to," I whispered, my voice trembling slightly.

  I heard Fannie's harsh exhale.

  "Do you hurt elsewhere, Katherine? Anywhere that I cannot see in the moment?" Jonah asked, the meaning coming through strongly.

  They thought the worst. I shook my head, embarrassed at his words. How was it that a stranger such as Jonah worried about my health, but my father could not see?

  "He did not touch you, Katherine?" Fannie whispered.

  "Only to get me in the car. Nathan was there before anything could happen," I said, looking up into her eyes and pausing at her tortured gaze.

 
; "So only bumps and bruises, then? I will want to watch you this evening, with the bump on your head," Jonah stated and stood to go to his bag again.

  He handed Fannie a cloth and a bottle of something that smelled like rubbing alcohol. She took it and he stepped out of the room, letting Fannie take care of my cuts in private. She was quiet while she worked, her hand light as she wiped away the dirt and blood I had not known was caked on my forehead. No doubt I looked much worse than I actually was.

  For once I was glad for no mirrors in the house. I didn't need to be reminded of the damage Sean could produce, and judging by the soiled rag, I was a mess. Nathan must have been worried. He had seemed so brave in the buggy.

  "Is Nathan all right?" I asked my voice a little loud in the quiet room.

  Fannie smiled as she worked.

  "He is well. Jonah saw to his wounds while we discussed what happened. He was more worried about you than himself. He wanted Jonah to look to you first, but it was best that you changed," she said as she worked.

  "It wasn't his fault,” I said hurriedly, trying to explain Nathan's actions. “Sean's all right. Nathan was just trying to get to me."

  Fannie smiled down at me and pressed her palm against my cheek in comfort.

  "I know, Katherine. Do not worry. Nathan is not in any trouble. It is done and past us now," she whispered.

  She was quiet for a moment, changing to a balm that she swiped across my forehead before returning to clean my jaw.

  "Would you like to tell me why you left, Katherine?" she asked quietly.

  I frowned and shrugged, embarrassed to tell her how I had tempted Nathan, and scared him into fleeing from me.

  "I thought maybe it was best if I left," I replied quietly.

  “Even after our talk this morning?” she asked and I could hear the hurt in her voice.

  “I wasn’t sure if I had made the right choice to stay.”